Hope Deferred...

Deferred: withheld for or until a stated time (Merriam-Webster online)

I'm choosing something important right now. My 'positivity' according to StrengthsFinders is an asset, but as I'm experiencing it recently it is a deterrent to my own growth. Disappointments of past and present have surfaced like torpedoes over the past few weeks - I thank the flu for the down time which provided me ample opportunity to think. And think. And Think.

What have I determined to do with my thoughts? Sit in them. Address them. Interview them. Take them to the One who can handle them (whether I believe He wants to or not is another question altogether at the moment).

If you know me, chances are high that you probably would not use "Angry" as an adjective to describe me.

I am angry. My anger comes from disappointment. The disappointment alights from many an unmet expectation.

And, I am sitting in it. It is painful. The outcome looks bleak.

... Makes the heart sick.

Longing for Home, Unsure Where It Is

I know what is true... This is not my home - I'm just on a journey here walking towards Home.

During recent days, however, I find myself longing for a home. A factor driving this to the heart today is my current battle with the flu. I miss my overstuffed sage-green couch, my dark brown leather chair, my plush off-white rug, the coffee with cream colored walls of my former living room and yes, my own bed. I miss my good friends living a stone's throw away and the ability to reach out to them. And, I just miss the familiarity of being known.

Whenever this question of home arises, I find my mind wandering toward the unknown future that awaits me. At once it is hard to wait and easy to trust. I can't imagine what the outcome will be, so I've resigned (in a healthy way), to allowing the days to take their course. Whatever will be, will, well, be.

This said, the want remains and as I wrestle with this virus, I tussle with my longing for a home.

I've Spent Seven Days in Florida...

The main question pervading my heart over this past week is this, "WHAT am I doing??" Currently, the answer escapes me; although, it is also obvious. The Lord has me here. He has chosen this for me. I'm comforted tonight by this excerpt from Streams in the Desert...

August 31st
"Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed." (John 20:29)

I do not ask that He must prove
His Word is true to me,
And that before I can believe
He first must let me see.
It is enough for me to know
It's true because He says it's so;
On His unchanging Word I'll stand
And trust till I can understand.

E.M. Winter

Living in Chaos: Not My Idea of a Good Time :)

The past two days I hit a low point with the moving-action. Picture the image with about five times the amount of stuff in it and welcome to my apartment after five days of packing. :)

One, I think I must realize that this transition is taking its toll on me - I've been overly tired as my brain refuses to shut off when it is clearly time to sleep (Sad that it doesn't listen to me!), packing up my office was an emotionally HUGE deal (I moved here for this job and I picked the carpet and base wall color for goodness sake!...), not to mention, saying goodbyes over the last couple of weeks has made me miss Boston while I'm still present in my life here. Packing has been a complete challenge - I've been so lost in how to go about doing so and have needed help.

Two, it's been really cloudy here and I think two days of it is just too much! (Good thing I'm moving to the "Sunshine State" - How do I keep forgetting how much I need the sun?)
Side note: Dear Hurricanes, please stay away... Love, Jess

This morning, I woke up and it was S-U-N-N-Y! I immediately felt like I could pack more stuff up sans my AMAZING friend and helper, Britt. She's done more for me than I can say (like telling me what to do and giving me projects to complete - a total reversal in our 'friendship roles' - hilarious!). It also occurred to me that hey, I HATE chaos - I do everything I can to ensure things are in their places and then I know I can rest. Not the case when your house is turned upside down and there are boxes, piles to sort-through, clothing and the like everywhere. And, I am unable to escape it. I just have to work in the midst of and through it.

So I am reminded, once again, of an over-sized pencil that my friend Meg gave me years ago... "Chaotically Calm," it says in bold print. Today, I feel that way and soon enough (less than seven days to be exact), I will be on the road and staring the unknown future in the face. Well, my iced Americano and stack of papers are calling me...

Counting Down...

18 days...

It is hard to believe, but I'll be moving to Orlando in under three weeks! I've just arrived back in Boston after spending the past month in Colorado and am beginning the 'I'm really moving, better start packing' process. I've made three separate to-do lists, I've yet to unpack my CO luggage, I'm starting to feel sad and I'm excited about the change (but maybe not hurricane season?!). How's that for an update?

I think I'll go make dinner.

The Voice of God at Coors Field, Denver, CO

I absolutely LOVED the seminary course I took last week entitled: Seeing the Psalms. One of the things our professor, Dr. Mark Futato taught us about the people of the Ancient Near East was the simple reality that when the clouds rolled in, they saw God's chariot; and, when the thunder roared, they heard God's voice. How far we have come with science. Nowadays, the wonder of the theology of the Psalms is missed by our sophisticated understanding of the universe. We don't see nor do we value the greatness of God in even the most basic sense as ancient people did. We've lost so much.

Friday night, I headed to the Rockies game with some friends (wearing my Sox shirt, of course!). A rain delay was called at the top of the seventh and we witnessed an amazing thunder/lightening storm roll in from the east. It was a special storm! I couldn't help but think about the Great King's voice. And, hoping to catch a shot of the lightening, I prayed. :) A few minutes later, I saw a plastic bag being tossed upward from the field by the wind and, thinking it was sort of amusing, took a picture of it... At the same moment, this beauty flew out from the clouds above - I couldn't believe I caught it in the shot! What a way to cap off a inspiring week of study...

Hiatus from Sabbatical Posting? Yes, I Guess So...

My intentions have been good in my desire to tell, in full, the stories of my adventures in April through early May, yet here I am in June and writing a post about my lack of posting. Go figure. In my defense (I smile as I type that), I've had a crazy few weeks - literally, three open evenings in the past 14 days. It's been fun reconnecting with Boston friends, heading to Fenway for a Sox game (going again next week!! :)), visiting the MFA (Museum of Fine Arts for the non-Bostonians out there), eating the BEST Indian I've had in the city (India Quality in Kenmore - worth a visit), and probably some other stuff mixed in there, too.

It's also been amazing to get myself together and start to work out again and begin the long process of purging stuff in my house that isn't needed. I'm feeling productive and engaged and mostly, at ease. That said, I laughed aloud recently as I reread a post from January where I talked about change, but went on to assure any readers that I was not moving away from Boston.

One thing is certain: God has a sense of humor.

Indeed, I am moving from my beloved Beantown in August. Little did I know this in January, February or even early March... And, as it seems this is the way He (God, the Lord, my Dearest Friend :)) likes to work in my life, I'm off to Orlando to work at our world headquarters... Something I practically vowed, oh yes - here it comes, never to do.

Never say never?

So, at some point in the nearer than further future, I will tell the tales and post the pictures. In the meantime, imagine me shaking my head and laughing at the reality that I'm actually moving to Orlando...

Sabbatical: Week One Continued

Our adventures in Poros were fairly low-key. I think my sister and I both needed some serious downtime - to be honest, we didn't even talk to each other much. We both read books, enjoyed the walks into town, ate great food (the french fries were to-die-for!!!), met interesting friends and slept a ton.

Early in our stay we found our way to Oasis, one of my favorite spots there - mostly because the locals who worked there chatted it up with us (and as my sister will attest to, I talked with everyone in sight). Michael, a partial owner of the restaurant, was gregarious to say the least. The night we headed there for dessert, he practically forced us to sit with two unknown sailors and the ensuing hours were spent talking about everything from life and love to politics and faith.

Edvin and Michel, brothers from Holland, were engaging. We learned all about their families and their love of sailing - Michel owned the boat that was in port in Poros. They gave us a tour of the boat and we wished them well on their early-morning journey and said our goodbyes. It was 2:30 as we made our way home that night, yet I felt so awake. In large part, I think it's because Michel and I had the chance to talk about God. It was humbling to hear about his life and reasons he doesn't think God exists. We talked about suffering and the way it has shaped his worldview. It made me sad as I understood his losses and why he believes as he does. Our conversation gave me hope as I remembered that God loves him and passionately pursues a relationship with him.

Other highlights included sharing breakfasts at the hotel with Jonna and Leif from Denmark. Both teachers and excellent conversationalists which made a delightful start to the days away. One day we rented a car and experienced the island - it took about a half-hour to see it all. :)

Our little car - I revisited my knowledge of driving a standard and freaked my sister out on some of the narrow roads.

Views of the Aegean. Have I mentioned the beauty of this place?

Another view. Wow, it was breathtaking.

Here I am in front of a Greek olive tree. The olives were amazing...

Sabbatical: Week One

Greece. I don't remember what drew me to the idea of this place years ago, but now I know why I want to return. Early Saturday morning (4/11), my sister and I headed back to Heathrow via private taxi (less expensive than those cool London taxis that we see in the movies) - we got an Audi instead. :) The driver played a variety of techno 80's music. It was 3:30 AM.
I arrived at Heathrow at 6:35 AM the morning prior.

Our driver drops us off and we discover hiccup #2 of the trip: not enough cash to tip him properly (Oh dear!) - he generously accepts $5 (USD) and tells me he's going to keep it as a souvenir. Sweet, sweet man...

We find Costa just outside of security (this is my sister's favorite coffee spot in London) and order our beverages - truly an amazing latte, I must add. I also have a chocolate muffin unlike anything in my life. Suddenly, the reality that it's 4:30 AM doesn't seem so bad. We finish up and head for security, the gate and well, Vienna. That's where we're stopping on the road to Athens today.

Two hours pass with a lovely breakfast - can you say that about plane food? - and we land in Austria, deplane onto the tarmack (see, I've been there now!), passports stamped by the new Austrian friends and we scooted off to board the flight that will take us to GREECE. I was excited.

Landing in Athens, we experienced no passport control (strange we thought), grabbed our bags, figured out how to get to Port Piraeus via bus (Yes! Public Transport at the bargain price of $3.20 EURO each). Took the bus (stood for most of the hour-long ride), arrived at the Port and searched for the Flying Dolphin Ferry that would take us to Poros Island. Arriving in Poros, we grabbed our bags and looked for a taxi - a Mercedes this time. An aside: The Europeans know how to do things with style! He pulled up to a driveway and pointed up the hill saying, "I think that's your hotel."

There were no signs. There were no stairs. In fact, after manuevering our luggage to the hilltop, we couldn't decide where the Lobby might be. We started knocking on doors. After a few minutes, a woman walked towards us from the alleyway; we thought nothing of this until she handed me her cell phone and made a gesture towards it, then me. I said, "Hello. We are supposed to check-in today. Is this such and such hotel?" Affirmative. The woman on the other end gave some brief instructions - the jist: follow the woman who gave you the phone. So, we did. Evarina was fabulous to us during our time in Poros!

At any rate, we follow her to the itty bitty elevator and then to our room. A while later, Greek phrasebook in hand, we return to the Lobby asking her for thoughts on dinner. And well, then we meet Costas. Yes, Costas. He speaks a little English and quickly herds us toward his truck. He's taking us on a tour of Poros. We drive around - he kept pointing out places to eat and continues to tell us how beautiful we are. We kind-of liked Costas. Eventually, he drops us off at this restaurant at the base of the hill below the hotel and we have our first official meal in Greece. It was delicious.

This is our first of many new friends at the restaurant. Poor stray kitty.

The view from our table. It was beautiful at dusk.

Stray kitties made themselves at home all over the island. Here one catches a cat-nap on the seat of a Yamaha. :)

A view of the harbor on our way into Poros Town. I could spend some serious time here.

Sabbatical, Day One

As promised, here are some posts detailing my adventures over the past month. In way of background, I'd say that I've been on the road to burnout for the past couple of years. There have been spaces in time that served as reprieves and allowed me to keep plugging forward (especially my summer assignment in Vail in 2007), but as time went on, I knew I needed to get away from ministry life AND that staying home for my sabbatical would not produce results that would ultimately benefit my heart. For the first two weeks, I hopped the Pond, landed in London which acted as home-base and did more traveling from there.

First hiccup of the trip:

While I was filling out my entry form for the UK just before our descent, I realized a huge oversight: I did not have my sister's address! She was picking me up at the airport, so I didn't think much about it. The only thing I knew about where I was going was the Tube line she lived off of - helpful, I'm sure... Making my way through the immigration area, I came to the UK officer and told him of my dilemma. He proceeded to look over my form where I had written "Ministry Operations" as my occupation. He thought that was a bit interesting and asked me a plethora of questions which finally included: "Are you planning to evangelize while you're in the UK?" Well... Not exactly planning on it. He also thought it strange that I was on "Sabbatical."

Thankfully, 20 or so minutes later, he let me go. Relaying the conversation to my sister on the way to her place, she said, "V-A-C-A-T-I-O-N - That's all you needed to tell him!" I tend to be thorough! Needless to say, next time I'll remember her address.

Here's my first shot on the road to rest while jet-lagged and experiencing rainy London for the first time.

Forward Progress

A while back, my friend Ryan sent me a copy of a post from Seth Godin's blog. I wanted to post it here as a reminder that in this uncertain place, setting goals, risking and failure are part of what it's all about - I don't want to miss out on being remarkable... This is highly encouraging.

The Goals You Never Hear About

Farewell Sabbatical

Tomorrow (rather, later this morning) I head back to the office after a month away. I need to find my key. It's 12:20 AM and I'm not quite sure if all of the travel has changed my internal 'need-to-sleep' clock, but alas, I am so tired, but still awake. I plan to write more about my weeks away from the regularly schedule program called, My Life, and provide some pictures soon, but I will say this: I have been able to rest. That alone is highly encouraging.

Honestly, it's hard to go back to work because I know I could use another couple of months to move forward and delve into some areas where I need to experience growth. Here's the silver lining: I am better equipped to build this into my downtime now that I've had time to come down from the rest of it. Somehow, I know it'll work itself out.

For now, I think I'll try to submit to the weariness in spite of the thoughts swirling through my mind - mostly engrossed in the last four days of my sabbatical. They were really, really good days. Ironically, after spending time abroad and near the ocean for the majority of the month, these last four treasured days of freedom were spent in... Wisconsin. LOL. More soon...

Be Still My Soul

Listening to the Atlantic from a lovely balcony as I rest
and seek to be still...

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on your side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
leave to your God to order and provide;
in every change God faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: your best, your heavenly friend
through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: your God will undertake
to guide the future, as in ages past.
Your hope, your confidence let nothing shake;
all now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
the Christ who ruled them while he dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
when we shall be forever with the Lord,
when disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past,
all safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Text: Katharina von Schlegel, 1752; trans. by Jane Borthwick, 1855 (Ps. 46:10)
Music: Jean Sibelius, 1899; arr. from The Hymnal, 1933
Excerpt from www.hymnsite.com

Mars Hill - the Real Deal

I'm currently sitting on my balcony overlooking Constitution Square and the Parliament building here in Athens. Tonight, my friend Marta (with her roommate, Paige) joined my sister and I for a tour of Athens where they're living and ministering right now. We headed to Mars Hill and the Acropolis at sunset. While a bit distracted from the site by a zealous Greek man named Apollos (who planned THAT I don't quite know), I must say in thinking back over those moments where I stood and Paul sat atop the hill making a compelling case for the person of Christ, I am grateful. It's Easter Week (Holy Week) here in Greece and the celebrations are about to start beginning tomorrow. Unfortunately, my sister and I leave the city quite early, but it's just such a treat that we were here in the first place.

As an aside, I'm currently on sabbatical and had the tremendous opportunity to make my way to Europe using travel points and airline miles. This trip is such a blessing and I can't wait to share more about it soon. I've already had many adventures and I'm sure there will be more to share as I head back to my sister's home of London tomorrow.

For the moment, it's approximately 11:30 PM here in Athens. There is a ton of traffic below and kids on skateboards honing their skills across the way in the square. And, not more than a mile away, Paul the Apostle brought the news of Jesus to the people of Athens. Amazing.

Clarity

In a box called operations and everything administrative, someone I well know has peeked over the edge at another that might co-exist, wondering about her. This person, the one, that was never held in high esteem -- she who wanted to create and dream and be special in that way -- diminished as the hours counted down and time passed on. Occasionally seen and recognized, she delighted in those moments. In due course reality would return and back into the box she would flee.

It's not that the box was uncomfortable. The box was well-fitted, sturdy, safe, known. Effortlessly lived from and recognized and appreciated. She knew it was a part of her and desired from its fullness not to escape with finality.

Yet, sadness crept in with the realization that living within and from the box had become all that was seen of her. The grief of fragmentation prevailed, the pendulum began to swing. And, in this place she acknowledged that change lay waiting. Perhaps God was asking her to have courage to leap beyond the boundaries of her box and be known.