Jessica Bott

The Really Real

2012-01-23T01:26:00.000-05:00

Quiet conversations
Meandering below stars high above
A chill in the air
Speaking of love

Tears rise to the surface
A tender routine
My battle continues
To remember I'm seen

The voices now louder
They've increased their pitch
Weighed under the banter
My heart in the ditch

Repetitive truths now I offer
Spoken from these very lips
With great energy expended
The Truth my soul grips

Rejection you're trampled
I'm closing my ears
Competition, you crumble
Farewell all my fears

I canceled our friendships
That cold, snowy day
Went back to the beginning
Paved a new way

So tonight as I rest
My dreams, they'll be sweet
The reality is,
In Him, I'm complete.

America Befriends Tyranny?

2012-01-05T00:59:00.000-05:00

Is this the moment when we beginducking our heads? Did the last day of 2011 mark the beginning of the end of mybeing able to state personal opinions loudly in the public square (via thisplatform or otherwise)? The President of the United States assures me thatwhile he's on deck, no American will be indefinitely detained for suspicion ofterrorist activity without due process. Do I believe him? And what comeNovember? Does the United States Bill of Rights mean anything after December 31, 2011?

I'm not naive enough to believe thatthis decision, this Bill, which became US Law, happened overnight. I'm presentlystartled by how silently it made its way through the American LegislativeBranch and rested at last upon that desk in the Oval Office where our President"reluctantly" signed it into Law. Where have I been? And where are myfellow Americans? Do we really believe that the pursuit of our safety requiresrelinquishment of all of the freedoms granted us by the US Constitution andBill of Rights? Sincerely, do we believe that? Do I? Perhaps more importantly,do we understand that what happened changes those freedoms profoundly andseverely? Are the implications clear to each of us?

The world is a broken place--of thatI am certain--I believe we're all quite convinced on this point. In no way do Isay any of this to discount the ongoing pain and suffering experienced by thefamilies who lost loved ones on that horrific September day in 2001. In fact, Ihave the deepest respect for them and what they've been through. In the sameway, tonight I think of our Founding Fathers. I think of those families thatsacrificed their safety so that we might enjoy the freedoms we have come toexpect as Americans in 2012. What of their sacrifice? What ofthat cost?

I don't intend to sound dramatic.I'm simply and extremely sobered by this development. However, I am reminded inthe midst of what feels like a wave of worry: God remains on His throne. Itrust Him. I know that His will is already accomplished.

I do take a moment and ask Him: Whatrole do You desire for me to step into? How am I to live in this changinglandscape of diminishing freedoms usurped from American citizens by the verypeople we voted into public office?Though, I also remember that my truefreedom is never diminished--it rests in Christ alone and upon the surefoundation of His life, death and resurrection. What hope! This Good News certainlyshines brighter tonight.

And still, I wrestle with the existing reality. Thesewords offered by those who have gone before give me plenty of food for thoughtand I sit with them tonight and consider their wisdom…

A Bill ofRights is what the people are entitled to against every government, and what nojust government should refuse, or rest on inference.--Thomas Jefferson

Concentratedpower has always been the enemy of liberty.--Ronald Reagan

If thefreedom of speech is taken away then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheepto the slaughter.--George Washington

Alltyranny needs to gain a foothold is for people of good conscience to remainsilent.--Thomas Jefferson

Rebuilding & Restoration

2011-12-30T17:25:00.000-05:00

"What does this bunch of poor,feeble Jews think they're doing? Do they think they can build the wall in asingle day by just offering a few sacrifices? Do they actually think they canmake something of stones from a rubbish heap--and charred ones at that?"--Sanballat, Nehemiah 4: 1-2

Sometimes I wonder that, too:"Do I actually think..." The enemies of Israel were not kind. Infact, in Nehemiah, we see them reminding the Jews of the truth--the city wasvulnerable and the work to restore the city wall was an enormousendeavor. I see my life in the picture of those simple stones that have beenlaid in a rubbish heap. I feel the coarseness of the char that exists in mysoul from days gone by that have brought destruction and death. And, over theyears, I've chosen to believe the enemy.

Thank God for the "Nehemiah's" of the world! As he learns of the enemy'sthreats, he establishes a system for protection so the rebuilding mightcontinue when under attack. I love what he says after putting this frameworkinto play (Nehemiah 4:19-20):

"The work is very spread out,and we are widely separated from each other along the wall. When you hear theblast of the trumpet, rush to wherever it is sounding. Then our God will fightfor us!"

Two things stand out to me; first, the people were called to help oneanother--they were in it together--and two, even when they might rush to wherethe trumpet was sounding, Nehemiah recognized that it was God who would fightfor them--Nehemiah knew God. Amazing.

Years of my life have gone by where I've lived in unseen bondage to beliefsestablished in the past. My walls of protection have turned to rubble aspatterns were secured where I listened to and lived in light of the lies. I lost sight of what it lookedlike to fight. Honestly, I don't think I realized there was something real to battle. While I've delved into some of this during the last three years, over Christmas it became apparent that there were more areas of vulnerability in my life. And God, in His kindness, opened my eyes to see and hear the taunts ofthe Enemy. He brought someone alongside me to battle with me, but ultimately, He was the one providing the insight, direction, clarity and powerneeded to win.

I'm not sure if the Jews felt this way, but I was humbled by my lack of faith and belief. I cried tears of repentance and told God how sad I was that I believed so many things that are contrary to who He is for so long. And, the wall isn't fully rebuilt yet, but it's a beginning. There are more battles to engage in and I must live with resolution to believe God and invite other people to be in it with me. This past week I've been so grateful as He has shown generosity towards me, allowing me to recognize things that aren't from me or from Him. It has changed my perspective on the world and the impact of the supernatural in my day-to-day.

My heart is that God would fully restore me. I know it's possible--Jesus made it so. And, I know He will. I'm asking Him again to take this rubble and build a wall so solid that the lies remain on the outside. We cannot give what we do not have, after all. I know that experiencing the freedom He bought for me will have far reaching influence; I just need to live in light of it first. The exciting thing is, He is already accomplishing it in and through me...

Belonging

2011-12-10T19:00:00.001-05:00

I'd be lying if I didn't say that sometimes I want to give up on people. Recently I've been considering what it means to continue to take the initiative in relationships even when the prospect of doing so leaves me open to feelings of rejection. Or, in another vein, finds me wondering "what if"--what if I didn't initiate? Would others seek me out and include me?

We've all found ourselves in positions like this, I'm sure. This reality has hit home a few times over the past several months when I've reached out to friends to make plans or include them in something I'm doing, but they don't reciprocate or think to call me when they move forward on something we've all talked about doing. It's hurtful, honestly and I have wondered why I wasn't included. But, it feels petty and shameful to be sad about being left out in those moments.

Yet, what I realize is that this can be significant in a couple of ways: one, feeling forgotten or unwanted by people I care about is painful; and two, what I want to do with that pain is a weighty reality. Often, I want to close myself off from those relationships because it hurts too deeply to continue in them. Why would I want to set myself up for further disappointments? In the past, I've done that--cut people out, I mean. Let me say now, it's not a great option. In the process, you shut off important things inside of you that take effort and time, and yes, more pain to re-open. But, what are we to do with it all?

My brother and I were talking about this on the phone today. I told him that I'm trying to live a better story in this area of my life and seeking to remain open. Part of this comes from remembering that other people also want to belong. What does it look like for me to love radically and to re-frame what feels like rejection from some into an opportunity and invitation for others to step into life with me? It reminds me of the story Jesus told in Luke 14 of a rich man who planned a large banquet and at the last moment, all of his friends unanimously decided to find better things to do than come to his feast. Instead of sulking about, he made a decision to include those who were never included. He sent his servants out with the directive to search high and low for anyone who would come to his feast and fill his house. Now, I'm taking this a bit out of context here... I mean, I'm not a rich man who is experiencing purposeful rejection by his friends for some social reason the reader isn't privy to, but I can learn from him. He sought out those who did not belong and brought them in. How beautiful! Isn't that exactly what God has done for us? It made me further consider:

Who are those around me (including my current friends) who I might pursue and take the initiative with even when it means more risk for me?

How might I include them?

If my friends opt out, why wouldn't I pursue others and make new memories with them?

And, with regard to my closer friends, why hold a grudge or act out on the hurt? Forgiveness is key to maintaining strong relationships with them and keeping myself available to loving them well. I don't want to be a person who develops a bitter heart. I do want to be a person who gives others grace and remains open to relationships even when they hurt.

What it really comes down to is that I want to belong. I think others do, too, so I think I can choose to move towards them with joy and enthusiasm, don't you?

Reason 1.85 Million I Know God Loves Me

2011-12-05T15:42:00.001-05:00

Peanut butter and dark chocolate, I mean, four words that make me remember God's love for me in a low key way. Today, I had such a hankering for a rich treat and I knew I'd be disappointed if I didn't eat something that satisfied it. But there is always a risk; often, the craving leads you in a direction and you buy something that doesn't measure up and then it's sad, right? : )

Well, I had to run to the chiropractor a little while ago and all day I kept thinking about chocolate cake. I knew that I didn't want to take the time to make one (and I know that THAT one would be perfect!), so I was considering other options.

By the way, isn't it nice that this took over my thought-life today?

Back to the topic at hand... I went to the chiropractor and as I walked in I saw Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory (Go Colorado!) just to the right of the office. And, after my adjustment, I laughed at myself thinking here I was having done something good for my body and now, well, welcome sugar!! I quickly made my way next store and discovered an enormous dark chocolate peanut butter cup. Let's just say my craving and a little over five dollars is gone. (As is seventy-percent of that deliciousness...)

Even better, I was cleaning out the trunk of my car when I got home (moving around for a few months has a way of helping one gather piles of things) and came across a box of papers and cards. Filtering through the items, I found a Publix receipt and wrapped therein: seven dollars! I made money today. Not too shabby!

Happy Monday, world. I think the week is looking up.

What I Don't Want

2011-11-25T11:56:00.001-05:00

Something inside of me felt like it stopped this past month--on a level, I have felt like I was simply surviving, but in that place I was beginning to ask and answer some important questions. The Lord has been encouraging me to understand what it is that I want these past few months. It still sounds a bit nonspiritual actually--what I want has never seemed that important in the big scheme of things. Yet, I know a lot of people who know what they want in life and there are many moments where I envy them. There are aspects of that part of my journey that I do understand (the why's), but still many reasons remain unclear even now.

So, I began to consider what it is that I don't want--these things seemed so much more easily identifiable!:

I don't want to be stagnant.
I don't want to live in fear.
I don't want that particular person to have access to my emotional life anymore.
I don't want to be in pain (and I was choosing it this time).
I don't want to give up on the dreams God has given to me.
I don't want to place my own expectations on what God has shown me, thereby putting my hope in those things and not in Him.

And, from there I gained a bit of perspective. I closed the door of my heart to a lingering emotional relationship that needed to end because I realized I want to be in an actual relationship. I made a decision to move into a home and ended a few months of moving around town, staying with different (and generous!) friends because I knew the time had come where I could re-settle--doing so was something I really needed. I started scribbling down some notes for my writing again and dreaming of what else might come in that process. I feel hopeful as I witness this creativity rising inside of me. That's a start, I guess.

I do feel free in this place. I'm learning. I'm growing. And, I'm experiencing God's love for me in the crevices of my soul that He's working to redeem and restore. Thank God that He brings transformation... There's no way I could do this without Him.

And So I Remain...

2011-10-12T19:17:00.003-05:00

Some friends and I have committed to living life intentionally together this next year. Each week, or as it's gone recently at least, we've gathered to share a meal, pray, dig into our study of the book of Luke and generally, step into the stories represented by the seven people in the room. I am still unsure what to expect of what our Tuesday's will hold for us in the months ahead; but last night, for the second week in a row, I found myself taking a deep breath and settling in. I almost wore my pajama pants again. Almost.

I facilitated our time of study and although we were supposed to be somewhere around chapter four, I felt nudged back to chapters one and two in the previous days of personal study. So we went backwards. There's something kind-of sweet about it to me as I think of it tonight. In doing so, we revisited the stories of Mary, Elizabeth, Zechariah, Simeon and Anna. I don't know about you, but I have glossed over the details of their vignettes as the years have swept onward. After all, the big picture finds us witnessing the births of John the Baptist and Jesus--What do these other details matter? Well, that's me anyway. I love the macro--the vision--where it's all going...

Stopped in my tracks this week, however, I noticed many things including these two highlights: the Holy Spirit was so present in the process and each person knew God. In fact, my greatest encouragement came from the stories of Simeon and Anna... Both recognized the Messiah, Jesus, when they met Him. Through intimate relationship with God, each was able to witness the movement of God as it happened. They didn't miss it, but rejoiced in the seeing: God's salvation had come! And, they saw this in the face of a baby!!

This caused me to consider the Pharisees--they had so much knowledge about God, yet when looking at Jesus, seeing Him face-to-face, they somehow missed the movement of God. Their knowledge of Him was limited because they never experienced the joy and struggle of relationship with God. Isn't that sad?

All of this caused me to think, of course, about my present life circumstances. There are things that I certainly don't understand about what God is doing. There have been recent days where I have wanted Him to behave in a way that makes total sense to me. I want Him to spell out the path ahead so I can just follow it. What I realize, however, is that what He is offering me is far better...

He's offering me relationship. He's affording me the opportunity to know Him. In so doing, He's continuing to build trust into the very fabric of my being. And, He's doing all of this so I will be able, in part, to witness His movement as it happens. Knowing Him, not just knowing about Him, is preparing me to really see Him.

When the insecurities and fear rise within me (like they did last Wednesday), the Lord is asking me to take a deep breath and engage. I'm learning that sure, I can ask for a formula or lean on my own understanding, but in the end, all those ideas have left me with is a lousy bit of insomnia... It's a lovely picture, really: I'm laying awake in the middle of the night imagining the drive to the airport, frantically booking a ticket and hopping a plane to Colorado. I don't know what happens when I land, but I assure all of us that I'd rather take my chances knowing Him here where He's asked me to wait and believe.

Inspired by this Tonight

2011-10-01T19:48:00.000-05:00

This caused me to again remember the dreams that I have and that it takes hard work and time to pursue them. From what I've heard from this album, I love it... A friend of a friend, I met Katie once or twice in college--it's so fun to see where she's gone in her life and career. And tonight, this story reminds me to choose courage and continue to take forward steps in my life.

A Day...

2011-09-29T22:32:00.001-05:00

Stepping out of my car tonight at the place I'm staying, I felt the coolness of 70-some degrees (I can't believe I just typed that...) and the sound of a plane drew my attention upward. On its landing course, its lights flashed brightly against a deep blue-black sky. All I could think, "I want to be on you..." Well, heading somewhere else, I guess.

There are such good things happening in my life right now, but today sadness crept in again. Without warning and in two different public places, I cried. And cried. And cried again. In the process I received hurtful words and gave some. Yuck. Feeling wounded, I added to the cycle and I just feel grief.

I wish I understood why some things in my life are as they are at the moment, but I don't. It feels painful and I feel childish. A friend encouraged me, "Jess, you don't know why, but let it out... Sit in it. There's something for you in this." It is a great reminder. Another offered grace. Why is it so hard to receive?

Wishing I could change things, but knowing I have zero control, I stop trying as a new sniffle rises. Things might look different in the morning. I hope.

Big Sisters

2011-09-18T10:39:00.000-05:00

Something I've noticed in the past year or so is the lack of older people in my life. Certainly I'm around people that are older in age and maturity than I, yet I haven't had the opportunity to spend much time with them. Having moved thousands of miles away from some of my "key" people, staying in touch has been more challenging and thus, the lack has grown.

Three months ago I started to feel the weight of it. Pouring out a lot by investing in some great relationships here, I noticed that I was growing tired and began to see how this deficit was affecting me. Wanting to continue to give and take responsibility for my own needs, I began to pray that God would provide some women in my life, further along in the journey, to whom I might connect with more regularly.

And, arriving back in town after being on the road for the past few months, a string of circumstances appeared that required more energy and faith on my part. I knew: "I need someone to walk in this with me. I cannot do this season alone." A few days after this occurred to me, a woman I respect and enjoy approached me--after catching up a little bit, I asked her if she would prayerfully consider meeting with me this fall as I walked through some larger things in my life. Her smiling response, "I don't need to pray...Should we get together Monday or Tuesday?" Her words were like a cool drink of water on a hot day. I thought, "Someone is actually going to be in this with me!..." I still tear up as I think about it. She and I met on Monday--I felt so cared for as we chatted and ate the lovely quiche she prepared, talking well into the early afternoon.

On Wednesday, it just so happened that one of my best friends was in town for work and had the evening free. As we dropped by the outlet mall and then into the city for dinner, we caught up and she spoke into my present story. When I say "spoke in", I mean the way only a friend who has known you for over a decade can. She's walked with me through so many things and here she was telling me face-to-face that my future was bright.

Coincidentally (or not?) my calendar for Thursday included my once-a-month appointment with my spiritual director. She helped me to process where God is in my present circumstances and I left feeling so seen and encouraged by her and by God. One of the questions she left me to consider was this: "Jessica, how have you been blessed to be a blessing? And then, for what purpose?" (See Genesis 12) Needless to say, I had much to consider as I departed.

Friday rolled around and I headed to the home of yet another woman I know. We sat in camping chairs outside of her garage, enjoying the fresh air, sipping on iced tea and watching her little guy play in the yard with water. She shared more about what she and her family are walking through right now and how they arrived there. I was reminded of how God makes all things beautiful in His time--it gave me perspective to continue to faithfully walk this path that I'm on.

Who knew that in a weeks time, I'd have four appointments with women that would encourage and challenge me in my present season of need and change? Talk about answered prayer!! I was floored that God provided such sweet wisdom and encouragement through these big sisters in such a concentrated fashion--He is so very kind. I was reminded of how important it is that we have godly mentors. Through their lives and experiences we gain wisdom, understanding and hope for the journey. After all, they've been in our shoes and have come through the hard and the good in life. They're able to look with joy to the days ahead because they've chosen to trust Him along the way. This is what they impart to our lives.

I'm grateful for big sisters. What a generous gift they were to me this week--a timely, timely gift.

Give Way for What's More

2011-09-09T16:54:00.001-05:00

some things just aren't worth holding on to
something in me wants them to stay
release, let go, offer a goodbye
and continue to go on your way

who knows what's ahead
it's often unclear
and feels like another leap from a plane

carrying baggage beyond the present, quite silly
the sadness you'll move well beyond
the hope in you rekindled
through superior acquaintances to come

look in the mirror and remember
the girl peering back has great strength
faith, hope, love and that surest Foundation
extinguish fear and provide fresh relief

so don't be downcast nor down-trodden
look with joy to the good that's approaching
you've waited this long, hoped this well...
grasp with tenacity that promise and RUN.

Lessons of Hugs & Answered Prayer

2011-09-04T23:03:00.000-05:00

Arriving home after the weekly gathering of my church community, I walked around the apartment I'm staying in and considered the time. It was a powerful night where we took time to pray. Now, most people might not consider that an ideal way to spend a couple hours on a Sunday night, but I was so grateful to witness and experience the movement of God. Striking, really.

Those thoughts swirled around a bit in my brain and then I considered something else that wasn't really related, but then, it was. I've never considered myself to be a person that gave or received hugs well. Sure, there have been moments in my life where I have, I guess, but I realized tonight that I have changed in that arena. I think it has to do with the people I'm around; they are some of the most loving and accepting people I've ever encountered. (Wherein lies the connection to tonight and our gathering.)

One of my favorite and closest guy friends was chatting with someone before our gathering and I sneaked up and stole a little hug. As I placed my head on his shoulder, I smiled at the feeling of familiarity and safety. I smiled at him without looking, actually. I just savored the haven. Later, a sweet friend whom I haven't seen for a while sat behind me. I embraced her and noticed that I really hugged her. Really. I gave part of myself away in that hug--I gave friendship and sisterhood and care to her. And again later, another dear guy in my life kissed me on the cheek and embraced me with strength and so I hugged him back. I received it. And it didn't even startle me that I did. Though the nurture of the moment lingered.

I wonder if it sounds crazy, but seriously, I haven't really noticed this change with clarity until tonight. And, I think it has to do with love. 363 days ago (give or take a few hours), I told God that I was ready for Him to re-write this banner that has flown over my life for many years. A script that has become a mantra... One that tells me that I'm not worthy of receiving love. What a curse. I spoke blessing into and over my life last year with simple words offered to God in hope for change.

There are many ways that I've neglected to acknowledge His answers to my prayer. And, yes, I did say 'answers'. I didn't expect that either. I have realized that I put expectations on how He'd go about answering, and over the course of a number of months now, having confessed those expectations and released them, I've begun to see how He has responded to me. Tonight was one example. What a sweet reply and gift.

Looking in the mirror, I see the face of this girl I've known all of my life and say, "Wow, you've come so far..." I barely recognize her in moments like these -- transformation has a way of causing this momentary need for a re-introduction.

And I wonder: Why did I wait so long to ask?

Adventure Afoot

2011-08-23T15:26:00.000-05:00

God is up to something, that is for certain. In my weariness today, I was challenged to run to Him with much larger questions than the ones I've currently been asking about where I'm going to live as of next week.

"What are you doing in the future?" The question came from a trusted source.
I responded quickly, "What? I don't know... Like what am I 'doing'?"
"Yes..."

I next uttered words that have been in my heart, but wondering how practical those realities sound when spoken aloud. Intangible 'somethings' and purely thoughts at the moment, but I think they're formulating into something very real. This idea has been mulled over and prayed about and questioned in my own mind and heart for nearly three years. I'm asking it again; in a way, it's exhilarating. Yet in another, terrifying. Mostly because it's not just that I've considered it, but others have, and in increasing numbers, over the course of those years.

"What if ... ?" -- I wonder.

Making a decision of this magnitude in the way of releasing the hope for home, to be ready for whatever might be, is stirring a deeper contemplation in my soul today...

And I ask, "Will You go with me, Lord?"
If He does, then I can do anything.
I can do absolutely anything.

The larger questions at stake are these:

Will I open these palms and relinquish my ideas of what this needs to look like to free fall into His plans for me?

Do I really want what is great, what is LIFE, so badly that I refuse to settle for my version of comfort and safety?

Will I choose to hope in Him, not in the things I can see and control?

Do I trust His heart and that He has good in store for me (good beyond what I could dream up in my frailness and need and poor imaginations)?

Will I truly allow Him to be my home, my place of safety and my refuge?

You can pray for me. Meanwhile, I'm going to walk this path with Him. I think this is the most significant decision I can make in this season of my life--at least as I'm able to view it today.

P.A.I.N.

2011-08-18T20:42:00.000-05:00

"Pain is one of the fastest routes to a no-frills encounter with the Holy, and yet the majority of us do everything in our power to avoid it."

--Barbara Brown Taylor, An Altar in the World

Boy is she right. How often do I run, no sprint, from anything that hurts? The answer, if I'm honest: daily. Every day I have an opportunity to engage with something in my life that aches--sometimes I choose into the reality that it's truly better to deal with it and other days I don't. Yesterday was one of those days where I determined to dive in.

I've been sad about a few things in my life recently. Newer pieces of pain have only served to bring to light years of that same hurt that have acted as the building blocks making the fresh object seem even larger and more important. I decided to sit in the stuff in the early evening and pulled my turquoise journal from my bag, carefully laying the pages open to an empty slot. As I began to write about desire, my emotions went from numbness, to grief, then on to anger. I raged at the Lord for a few minutes, verbally spewing the truth at Him--the literal truth from His very own mouth--and felt my disgust rise.

Guilt permeated my soul as I did so, but God gently reminded me that He could handle it. I wept in my bitterness. Knowing that I had yet another choice in moving forward, I grabbed my Bible and turned to a familiar, yet dusty book. Song of Songs. Strange to read this book on love when I was feeling as I was, but I read it through (even the footnotes). After that, I turned to I Corinthians 13 and read about love there, too.

Softened, I returned to the pages of my journal and reached back out to the Lord. Ultimately, nothing was resolved in this endeavor, but I did recognize something vitally important: He is who He says He is, therefore I must trust. It is not simply an option, or a nice notion, or a thing to pacify the pain. He is real. His love is true. And even in the longing, some things do not change. He does not waver. He wants all of me. Right now, that feels mean.

Suffering from a bit of an emotional hangover today, I acknowledged in the weariness that He is kind. And, if I want a real relationship with Him, this is the type of encounter that I need to embrace more often. I just wish it didn't hurt so much... But then again, don't we all...

Change Happens

2011-08-01T20:33:00.000-05:00

I like change. Actually, yes, it’s true—I’m one of those people. Perhaps it’s the feeling of constantly being in motion toward an adventure of sorts or a necessary variety I require that leads me there regularly. I think life would be rather boring if things always remained the same. All of that said, over the past decade I’ve learned that while I welcome, even need change, I must have ample opportunity to process big adjustments. In fact, understanding that has brought tremendous freedom to my life--and likely those in or around my life. Before I knew this, I never ‘got’ why I’m so quick on my feet with most decisions, but needed major time to deliberate (mostly with myself) other considerations.

Today, my friends and I learned that we have to move. Our landlord decided to move back into the house for a variety of reasons which is completely acceptable; the only thing is, I’d asked him numerous times over the past several months what his thoughts were on reissuing a lease. He kept putting me off (maybe he really didn’t know) and I continued to wonder. Prior to moving here, I negotiated contracts on a regular basis so when he continued to be non-committal, I felt very unsettled. Now I know why. Call it a hunch or that I felt it in my gut, but here we are thirty days out and in need of a home.

Beyond that simple reality, I’m disappointed. I love this house, neighborhood, the access I have to people and things to do nearby. I love the relationships I’ve built here and the ability to quickly connect with friends who live within minutes. I’ve viewed this as a place to minister and reach out—it has become that in more ways than I can count. I love how my furniture fits here and the way that we are in the middle of everything, but had tremendous privacy. It sounds sappy, I know, but it was like a dream come true to live here—truly, my very own version of “Cheers”—I’d longed for a place like this since I lived in Boston and what a sweet gift it has been.

It’s not to say that we won’t find another place in the neighborhood or within close proximity. If we did, I’d be thrilled. That, too, is not a guarantee, but even if it turned out that way, one truth remains: it won’t be this place; it will be different. Things are changing. In fact, as I processed some of these thoughts with one of my roommates today, she said, “It is a big deal. You didn’t choose this…” Such a simple truth… I didn’t choose this, rather, it was chosen for me. I guess that’s what is making it harder.

Maybe that’s why the tears came when I forced myself out of the house to pick up a couple of things at Target. Tears welled on the drive there, I mostly kept them at bay in the store, but the dam broke on the way home. I bawled. Not just a dribble, but the kind of sobbing where you make the weird wheezy breath noises (and I have a hefty head-cold to boot—pretty, huh?). I told the Lord how sad I am and about my disappointment. I also told Him that I trust Him. He knew this was going to happen. He knows where we’re going to end up and I know that He’s good in this place. I’m just really, really sad.

As all of this was unfolding, I realized that part of the reason I’m sad is because I planted myself here—in this house, in this neighborhood. I’ve always loved that passage in Jeremiah 29 when the Lord tells the children of Israel to settle into life where they’re at—build houses, settle down, plant gardens, marry, have kids, work for the good of the cities (and they’re in captivity!). He wants them to live where He’s placed them. I guess I’ve done that again here—settled in, made this home. Somehow it doesn’t lessen the pain of being uprooted. And, that’s where I’m walking by faith tonight. Ready to be replanted wherever He deems best in thirty days or less … Here we go…

Promises, Promises

2011-07-17T23:00:00.000-05:00

I was reading Hebrews 11 the other day.... The Hall of Faith. It struck me again, as it always seems to do, that those mentioned believed God. Most never saw the Promise fulfilled, but they believed Him for it anyway. Driving through a horrible storm last weekend, I reflected on the quickly changing circumstances of life. We really don't know what our days or our tomorrows hold. But, He does. I've rested in that reality for months now and here He has me, sitting with the truth again.

On the drive, the storm finally passed and there they were--two rainbows brilliantly displayed across the sky. I remember saying, "You keep Your promises; You keep Your promises." Tears filled my eyes as I reflected on a prayer a friend prayed over me in early June before I left for my summer assignment. Not knowing why, she asked God to fulfill the promises He had given me. Her prayer struck a deep chord and I cried. I told her, "That's so in line with what He's been asking me to trust Him with again--thank you for listening and praying that for me."

Honestly, I've allowed that 'thing' -- remembering what He wants me to remember -- to fall to the wayside this summer. He provided a storm and a double rainbow (not to mention a Journey song playing on the radio in that *very* moment-- "Don't Stop Believing'" -- it likely sounds so silly, but a dear friend of mine declared that as our theme song this spring for a number of reasons...) to remind me that I'm supposed to remember. He wants me, in the same way as those people in the Hall of Faith, to believe Him.

Why is it so hard to do?

None of those individuals were able to choose the outcome of their belief. They were simply faithful in their belief.

Period.

I'm struck by their, well, for lack of a better word, FAITH.

So here I am in Colorado waiting on Him, trying not to push the hard things away, listening, remaining hopeful, seeking to be open, and believing that He keeps His promises.

Summer Night Reflections in Colorado

2011-07-17T22:10:00.000-05:00

Were it not for grace
I'd walk in vain

Were it not for hope
I'd think this was Home

Were it not for love
I'd stay the same

Praise God Who IS
I'm not alone

I Almost Gave In Today...

2011-07-07T20:51:00.000-05:00

There have been subtle moments over this past week that have brought me back to the place of proof.

"Provide proof that you're worth it."

"Provide proof that you know what you're doing."

"Provide proof that you have something to offer."

"Provide proof that being where you're at in the process is enough."

"Provide proof that you're in this with them."

I feel taxed reading that list. These are the messages--in my head and in my heart. Something inside of me stirs in the reading, hearing, living of these things--weariness. Each sentence loads another baggage of burden on this back of mine that's still in route to healing. Internally, the weight crushes my hope and I loose my ability to really see under this pressure. And, I almost decided to be blinded by these fiery darts today.

Sitting in a meeting this afternoon, I felt my heart waver as the load increased. I wanted to flee. I literally imagined myself running from the room. My face fell and I could feel it happening. I felt unseen, disconnected and wondered why I was there. Then I saw it--I understood what was happening to me. I prayed.

"God, this is the me from a short while ago. I know that I'm Yours. I know that I'm loved. I know that I don't have anything to prove here. And, it doesn't matter what is seen... I know I belong to You."

I'd like to say that I felt complete freedom, but I didn't. A minute later, however, someone spoke up and brought me in to the conversation. Kindness. Grace. Mercy for the moment. Yet, it was very hard to receive. Unknowingly, almost absently, I had already maneuvered myself away; the walls came up instinctively.

And now I sit here, recognizing it. I've actually been positioned under these statements as they've been building, one upon the other, for seven days. In a way, I have bought in, but there's a gift in here to be realized... I saw it today. I understood. The scales fell. I asked for help. He provided a piece of grace. And then, with fresh eyes, looked back on the burdens of the week and 'got it'.

I Came Home Today...

2011-07-01T21:05:00.000-05:00

Never could I have imagined the way that this place, my current hometown, might have weaseled its way into my heart. In fact, just a couple of weeks ago, my parents reminded me of my attitude toward the place when I was newly a 'resident' (I put that in quotes given my thinking that this was only a 10-month assignment away). Dislike would be a generous way of saying what I communicated to them during that season. And, funny enough, I don't even recall what I felt or thought at the time. I was angry at the world back then.

Today, having been working on location for almost a month, I felt almost giddy arriving at the airport. My flight was delayed (isn't that how it should go) and my anticipation of stepping onto the soil of what I like to term my "tropical" homeland grew. How I've missed it! Not just 'it', I suppose, but them, too. I've missed my friends, my house, neighborhood, routine and even that heavy, humid air. Longing has replaced my groaning for direction and clarity--desire to be here, fully present in my life in this way. I mean, I was excited driving on the tollways for goodness sake!

Equipped with only a few days before I fly back to my work, I plan to soak this up and rest in the present reality that I'm loving my life these days. The funny thing is, it's so unexpected to relish it as I do, but at the same time, it seems to make perfect sense. Like most humans, I imagine that I don't really understand what it is that I need, yet here I am, living in the midst of what I need. Leaving it again will likely serve only to increase my appreciation. What a sweet, sweet gift He's given me in this life...

I'm supposed to be finishing a Field Guide right now...

2011-06-23T18:20:00.000-05:00

At least I've made a few notes? Tucked away in my office for the summer, everyone else seems to have gone. My energy is low and the week has been long, but I'm celebrating (and it's not even Friday!). I've seen something in myself these past two weeks that I'm astounded by and gratefully embracing... I am depending on Him.

This is new for me in my work life. I have chosen to stop, to rest and to let some things go. New eyes are seeing with fresh perspective that I do not have to carry it all, nor can I, and I take joy.

There's a certain sadness in the backdrop of my days that has nothing to do with life here and now. Even in that, I'm resting. He's showing me His love, faithfulness and kindness in that place. What's more, I am choosing to receive it.

And, in His goodness, He has entrusted me with the care of some pretty remarkable people. Both friends and colleagues, in fact. I'm savoring the moments where I realize that I'm not where I once was and those things, the yucky things, that He has brought me through have allowed me to speak to places in the lives of others that I could not have understood had it not been for the mess.

Wow.

It's the Small Things

2011-06-16T23:35:00.001-05:00

At the end of another long, but good day that has left me with some important things to consider, I felt a pull to take a moment to engage in today's devotional from Joy & Strength (compiled by Mary W. Tileston) in spite of my weariness. This last entry of five for June 16 was the perfect, most timely reminder:

"I hope you will learn, what I am always hoping to learn, to rejoice in God continually, knowing that He is really ordering all your circumstances to the one end of making you a partaker of His own goodness, and bringing you within His own sympathy."

--Thomas Erskine--

I needed these life-giving words tonight... Badly.

Why Are We So Afraid of Being 'Found Out'?

2011-06-06T16:40:00.000-05:00

Truly, it's scary stuff to open ourselves up to being known. What if they don't like what they see? What if they discover things about us of which we ourselves are unaware? What happens then?

Last night, Cole began a new series called, "Fully Mature"--in the opening dialogue, he talked a lot about spiritual infancy. There is a place in life to be an infant. We all start there, after all. We come into the world dependent and needy. Actually, we leave much the same (if afforded a long life). Yet, spiritually speaking, we encounter challenges if we remain in infancy. We are pre-occupied with ourselves and we lack discernment.

I'm certain that we've all injured people in our immaturity and have also been on the receiving end. No fun. In fact, quite painful, really. Thinking about this more today, I wonder, "Why do we avoid seeking to grow in maturity when we see or learn that we're hurting others in a particular area of life?" I mean, what's in it for us?

As I've been considering the need in my life to become even more vulnerable, I understand the hesitation to really go 'there'. Dealing with our pain (especially when we've completely disconnected from it) is frightening, but it's also completely necessary to our health and healing. To blame-shift the responsibility away or ignore that there is a problem will only lead to further wounding of ourselves and others. Is that a risk we're willing to take?

Cole continued to remind us last night that we must choose into vulnerability before God and people in order to grow in maturity. I like to think of this as growing in wholeness. God wants us to be whole people! Fully restored, healed, living in freedom and equipped to bring His love and His light to the lives of people around us. I want to be that kind of person... Who's with me?

Safe, Safe, Safe

2011-05-31T16:50:00.003-05:00

I cannot get over the goodness of God. The way He continues to speak directly to my fears, my lack of trust (in others and, this might sound strange, in myself --not belief in myself, rather a trust that I can be confident in two specific areas in life presently) and my longings is completely remarkable. Today, He led me here...

Psalm 16 continues to reinforce the message He has been telling me for months--He's got me! I'm safe!

I cannot hear it enough right now.

Psalm 16

A psalm of David.

¹ Keep me safe, O God,
      for I have come to you for refuge.
² I said to the Lord, “You are my Master!
      Every good thing I have comes from you.”
³ The godly people in the land
      are my true heroes!
      I take pleasure in them!
⁴ Troubles multiply for those who chase after other gods.
      I will not take part in their sacrifices of blood
      or even speak the names of their gods.
⁵ Lord, you alone are my inheritance, my cup of blessing.
      You guard all that is mine.
⁶ The land you have given me is a pleasant land.
      What a wonderful inheritance!
⁷ I will bless the Lord who guides me;
      even at night my heart instructs me.
⁸ I know the Lord is always with me.
      I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me.
⁹ No wonder my heart is glad, and I rejoice.
      My body rests in safety.
¹⁰ For you will not leave my soul among the dead
      or allow your holy oneto rot in the grave.
¹¹ You will show me the way of life,
      granting me the joy of your presence
      and the pleasures of living with you forever.

(Thanks Bible Gateway for this NLT version of this Psalm!)

Beautiful by Phil Wickham

2011-05-20T14:14:00.001-05:00

While doing fairly normal and mundane tasks this afternoon at one of my favorite non-office spots--clearing my corporate ministry expenses and cleaning out the mess that is my inbox--this song streamed across my Pandora station. I was reminded to continue to hope, persevere and look to that day (though, I don't think it's tomorrow like that one guy is saying : ) ). I cannot wait to see Him face-to-face... Sweet moments with Jesus in this not-so-ordinary day living life with Him...

If you've never heard this song, it's a must listen! Here's the live version via YouTube:

Beautiful (lyrics)
by Phil Wickham

I see Your face in every sunrise
The colors of the morning are inside Your eyes
The world awakens in the light of the day
I look up to the sky and say
You're beautiful

I see Your power in the moonlit night
Where planets are in motion and galaxies are bright
We are amazed in the light of the stars
It's all proclaiming who You are
You're beautiful, You're beautiful

I see you there hanging on a tree
You bled and then you died and then you rose again for me
Now you are sitting on Your heavenly throne
Soon we will be coming home
You're beautiful, you're beautiful

When we arrive at eternity's shore
Where death is just a memory and tears are no more
We'll enter in as the wedding bells ring
Your bride will come together and we'll sing
You're beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful

I see Your face, You're beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful
I see Your face, You're beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful
I see Your face, I see Your face
I see Your face, You're beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful

To Tell The Truth

2011-05-18T23:04:00.003-05:00

My small group just finished our study of II Samuel tonight and I thought I'd post what I related to most about this narrative... We've been studying both I & II Samuel since August--a super rich endeavor! On to the thoughts:

There is a low-grade sadness I experience as I view the life of David in this book of the Bible. There is no doubt that he has an intimate relationship with God--David knows God. But, as we see David stepping out of God's best for him (by sending the troops off to battle without him) and the ensuing adultery with Bathsheba, plotting the murder of Uriah, her husband (once David discovers that she is pregnant with his child), death of their baby boy and the other consequences God issues for David's family life thereafter, we see a man who, in the wake of these circumstances, chooses passivity on a regular basis.

As a woman, there is something that stirs inside of me in the face of passivity. It's not pretty. I want to take control. Welcome back to the Fall... And, from my birds eye view thousands of years after-the-fact, I find myself feeling rather angry at David for his inaction when it comes to his family from this point on in the story. He seems to give up on fighting for them.

He doesn't stand up for what's right when one of his sons, Amnon, violates his daughter, Tamar. He doesn't stand up for what's right when another son, Absalom, takes justice into his own hands, killing Amnon for the crime committed against his sister. And, initially, he doesn't even take proper action when Absalom later tries to overthrow him as king. Amazing stuff, really.

(Not to mention this passivity being passed along to Absalom who tells Tamar to keep quiet about the whole thing--"Family Business" he said...)

God promised consequences, but David also failed to live righteously before his family and ultimately the Kingdom in these instances. He failed them. Along the way, David had some friends speaking the truth into his life. I loved and appreciated their influence. They chose to say, "Hey David, you've really messed up here!" And, he listened!

He did have a teachable and tender heart. We knew there were reasons God called him a man after His own heart, right?

The thing that stands out tonight is the ability that we have to bless people through proper action or wound them through passivity. The last several months of my life have been marked by these two things. I have experienced tremendous blessing at the hand of friends who chose into action (at times prayerful action) on my behalf. I've felt fought for and loved. In another relationship arena, I've been wounded by passivity. Inaction has left me feeling like my heart is a bit of a commodity being traded to satisfy someone else's underlying need. I respond and that must feel good to others, but I feel hurt when it seems like my response, not me, is the endgame. And, at the end of the day, I feel vulnerable and used.

Another side to the passivity issue is seeing good friends standing by playing witness to some of the things that have transpired and hearing them blame-shift behavior away or fail to challenge those people in what is true and good. Sometimes, I think that hurts more. We see things happen and do nothing. Perhaps we don't know what to do, but it doesn't change the reality that we're taking a backseat to the issue at hand and no one is required to grow in the process.

Of course, this all has me thinking of the ways I choose into passivity in my own life. There are a couple areas that come to mind immediately and I am responsible before the Lord in those places. I guess the bottom line is that I want to be a person that tells the truth. I don't want to pretend. And, I hope that those who care for me will love me enough to tell me the truth when I need to hear it, too.

May this life and the way I live it bless others, not wound them further.

How Else But Through A Broken Heart...

2011-05-06T11:17:00.002-05:00

All is Said, Now I'm Done

2011-04-05T17:19:00.009-05:00

The rain has washed away

clusters of a thousand thoughts

revealing a spoiled care

and so,

I’m moving on

I’ve said my piece

to myself

quietly on car rides

canopied by lovely trees

Prompted by the beauty of 'being'

Appreciating: I have nothing to prove

I am this

I am not another

He calls it good

Finding release in the surrender

of hopeful glances, taps, words

each uprooted quite simply

action neglected

my hope deferred

But now I choose health

In place of dis-ease

Palms wide open

postured to receive

Yet waiting in motion (I cannot shake this directive)

Around the corner sipping coffee

    Traversing concrete blocks
    Maneuvering myself toward warm sand,
          sweet glimmering vastness of shore and sun

taking in

sights

sounds

people

places

Laughing until my stomach lurches

All the while

living

this

life

in a Presence so Abundant

Satisfying

Protecting

Good

Lost in FRESH considerations

Encountering DELIGHTED faces

Sharing NOVEL moments

that leave me with love,

not breadcrumbs.

Sadness Crept In

2011-03-22T00:13:00.000-05:00

Meet me in the sadness
   in this sorrow
    oh, what madness

Hold my fragile heart
the too familiar breaking
     accompanied with aching

Speak into stark rising fears
this longing moment
     subdue my tears

Firmly plant such wayward feet
     prone to run
    escape before I'd come undone

Bring me to Your joy and rest
     help me breathe
      embrace what You deem best

Cause this wobbly heart to settle
     slow its pace
      lean into Your strength and grace

Love me in this sadness
     a silly sorrow
      oh sweet, known madness.

Triangle Pose & Love

2011-03-04T00:14:00.000-05:00

In recent years I have had wise people and friends strongly encourage me to take part in the practice of yoga because somewhere along this road I travel, I have forgotten how to breathe. Leave it to me, the type-A, driven, perfectionist in remission to lose sight of a foundational necessity like breathing. The thing is, of course I breathe, but my breaths are shallow; and, the concern is that my body isn't receiving the oxygen it needs to function properly. In fact, without it, I cannot thrive. Amazing things I'm learning...

Lately, when I go to my class, I have focused my attention on what it means to trust God--to understand him as my Refuge. As I'm moving through the flow of movement, I turn my attention to how much I need him to even complete the poses, to rest in them, to find strength as I maintain the posture. One thing is for certain: it's hard. I see my need to depend upon him each and every week. The parallels to life are unending.

Last week, I realized mid-class that I was soaring through the flow. A first. I felt so grateful and strong. This week, I struggled. Maintaining my breath was challenging, I couldn't hold a bunch of poses and where strength was found last time, I found weakness this week.

When we arrived at triangle pose, I felt weary in it. I'm finding it challenging to explain the pose as I think about it so this next part might make sense... Leave it to the internet to find a photo in seconds... Here you go: Extended Triangle Pose. Anyway, while I focused on my breath and maintaining my stance, our instructor began to talk about the vulnerability of having our hearts so open to the world. I reflected on that as my whole body was turned out, exposed. She said that sometimes it is hard to choose into that vulnerability because of the risk it involves. Tears welled in my eyes.

I reflected on that with the Lord as I continued through the class. It is scary and messy to choose into love--receiving and giving--in this life. My immediate response is often to be guarded. Crossed arms, legs, and body positioned away from those I interact with regularly (ask the guys at the office--one has pointed this out to me).

BUT, if I desire to be loved (and really, to be able to offer love), I have to be open. I have to risk. And, in my weakness, I have to choose to allow Jesus to be my strength.

Beautiful Things

2011-02-21T21:04:00.000-05:00

There's a song that I've come to love... Much of it goes like this...

"You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of the dust

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of us"

--Gungor--

This afternoon, I pulled out my oil pastels and took time to draw and reflect on these lyrics. Here's what came out:

I've been thinking a lot these days about my strength. Mostly, I've been evaluating my belief that I lack it. While I know this is not true, I've often bought into the lie that I don't have what it takes to make it through the difficulties in my life. They have been immense in a way. Recently, a friend and I reflected on the hardships I've experienced these past few years. I feel like I've been to hell and back in specific ways relationally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. I've wondered if I would make it to the other side OR if the record player of my life would "play and repeat" adversity forever ...

God has begun to reveal, with more clarity, why he has brought me into this place of refinement through hardship. He wants to free me from those war wounds I mentioned recently. In fact, the other day, my brother put it this way, "He wants to kill the performer!" God cares so much more about my soul than he does about what I do for him.

I have to type that again...

God cares so much more about my soul than he does about what I do for him.

I've been forced to slow my pace. Most days it feels like I'm creeping along. But, the stillness has revealed this bittersweet truth: I am in deep pain. And, God has provided me with the strength to handle the process of healing. Here's how he's recently been showing this to me:

Two weeks ago, I found a card from one of my best friends. She sent it to me the first year I was in Boston... It was significant then and means so much today: "Your strength may surprise you... The rest of us already know..."

My back is healing from my car accident months ago, and as I've been challenging myself in physical therapy, I've noticed something... I'm actually achieving things that I'd given up on, watching daily as my strength returns and I regain ground I thought I lost.

Last night at church, a friend came to me during the musical worship time near the end. She said, "The Lord wants you to know that you are strong. You are stronger than you think you are..." I wept.

Today, I've chosen to step into my strength.

"You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of the dust

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of us"

...

God = Refuge

2011-02-09T12:04:00.001-05:00

Two weeks ago I had a feeling... If I could just give myself the grace to not have it together and do what I was 'supposed' to be doing, but make the choice to rest and listen to my body instead, my energy would return. And today, coming home from my physical therapy and chiropractic appointments, I realized that it is coming back! Honestly, this is such a sweet gift from God. To have the flexibility to be able to live this out is one huge blessing and having seen growth in my life to the point where I actually chose it is amazing!

I feel grateful.
I feel encouraged.
I feel seen by God.
I feel loved by Him.

Psalm 91 has come up again and again these past few weeks. In fact, almost every time I've opened my Bible, the page has fallen there... He definitely got my attention. So many parts of the Psalm resonate with my heart right now (given the things I've shared here recently, as well as these musings for today), but this stuck out this morning as I read the Message version of the text:

"If you'll hold on to me for dear life," says God,
"I'll get you out of any trouble.
I'll give you my best of care
if you'll only get to know and trust me.
Call me and I'll answer, be at your side in bad times;
I'll rescue you, then throw you a party.
I'll give you a long life,
give you a long drink of salvation!"
(Psalm 91:14-16)

I laughed aloud when I read the part about throwing me a party. He's so fun, isn't He? The early parts of the Psalm talk about God as our refuge. I'm resting in that today. He is my home and with Him, I am safe. I'm learning that as I listen, I'm living and thriving--far from my past history of simply surviving.

How grateful I am to Him for such sweet gifts in the midst of life that still feels rather confusing and chaotic right now. Trusting, leaning, depending, waiting, needing, listening... New words that are finding their way into my everyday vocabulary.

War Wounds

2011-01-31T13:01:00.003-05:00

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

John 16:33

I don't know about you, but when I break down in tears with the physical therapist over a simple inability to conquer a more intense version of the plank, it's time to really take stock of what's happening inside. I knew I was off this morning. I had the hardest time sleeping and sent a late night text to my big brother to see if he might be able to give me some perspective. Sadly, when we finally did connect at 1:30 AM, he was engaged with a friend and couldn't offer more than a listening ear for the overview before hanging up with a promise to talk soon. Thankfully, just the brief connection helped put me at ease and I fell asleep a short time later.

I jolted awake 30 minutes before my scheduled alarm and the thoughts that kindly slipped away as I embraced REM, flooded back into my consciousness. Hours later, I'm still not certain what it is that I'm feeling. Loss? Grief? Disturbed? I cannot pinpoint the emotion and perhaps that's why peace seems far from me. Obviously I'm vague, but I learned something last night that has been challenging to process. Does it alter life? No, not really, but I'm struggling with it.

More to the point, I think it has much to do with this fear that has crept back into my life this past week; it comes in the form of this statement: "I don't want to be messed with again..." Life and relationships have taught me many things, but this sits high atop the list. The Lord, in His goodness I believe, has brought this up for a purpose--perhaps to heal this particular war wound.

It's true. Life is filled with pain. Sometimes it seems like it sits at attention waiting to spill over, covering every ounce of hopefulness that exists in my life. The old platitude, "This too shall pass," no longer comforts but becomes yet another stake to plunge into the ground declaring the absurdity of the broken world.

And then I remember... "But take heart! I have overcome the world."

Meeting with two sweet women yesterday, we chatted for hours about forgiveness. What does it mean to forgive? In part, we must confess where we are in relationship to God--understanding our own depravity and need for forgiveness. We are not able to give what we have not received. Then, we are free to forgive ourselves and forgive others. How is this possible? Truly, only through a relationship with Jesus. We cannot manufacture it--it had to have been provided for us. There's no other source, no other way.

At one point in our dialogue we read a favorite passage of mine in the Bible that speaks about hope:

"Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us."

Romans 5:1-5

God has met me time and again through this particular passage because it points me to what is true. Where is my hope found? Hope does not exist to disappoint... It exists because God loves us and provides a greater picture and truth about the world than what we see and experience regularly. He has made us righteous by grace (which we stand in! Amazing...) through the work that Jesus accomplished in his life, death and resurrection. We're at peace with God and therefore, whatever trouble we encounter, we are transformed as we move through it and find: hope; and, we can move beyond it to the glory of God. Not only that (as if it wasn't enough!), he ensures that we're able to walk in his love through the gift of the Holy Spirit. I'm just in awe of him...

Honestly, even after all of that, my feelings are still at war inside me. The ability to heal, forgive and hope have to be entrusted to God. I cannot make those things happen in my own strength. I lack it. But, I do want those things... I'm trusting him for it.

Which reminds me, last week I sensed the Lord asking me that question: "Whom do you trust, Jess?"

In this world we will have trouble... Jesus has overcome the world.

Green Lights?

2011-01-23T11:18:00.001-05:00

"Who had time for those switchbacks with the destination so clearly in sight?"

Taylor, Barbara Brown. An Altar in the World: A Geography of Faith.

Canada: HarperCollins Publishing, 2009.

I'm certainly not much of a fan of switchbacks. When my eyes see ahead to the end goal, I'm there within seconds and have figured out the best course of action to get directly from Point A --where I'm likely standing-- to point B. Once a decision is made, green lights all the way, baby! But, that's not always life. Certainly not my life at this moment, anyhow. The past week or so I have absolutely longed for it to work this way, but I've been traversing a path that keeps winding me around to a familiar location: the place of Waiting.

I add a capital "W" there because it feels like a real place right now. I'm there. I wonder if I'll ever leave it and somehow, I'm coming to understand that as I become more self-aware, I'll likely find myself living here. There are always things to wait upon. My dear friend told me that truth years ago in a poignant way referencing her own story--you wait to grow up, go to school, graduate from school, meet someone, get engaged, get married, have a baby... And, more routinely, you wait in line at the grocery store, post office and in traffic. You get the idea. We all have to wait. It is a necessary and admittedly, a good part of life. So why doesn't it feel good?

Control--yep, the tug-o-war is in play. I want to be in control. I want to determine how things will happen so I can know how I'll feel about them happening; and then I can decide whether I want that thing, whatever it is, to happen or not. Whew... That feels exhausting just to write out, let alone live. But, past experience has taught me that hurt awaits if I don't control my own life-- you just can't let people get that close or allow that thing hoped for to carry the weight it does... "Live and learn," right?

While I do need to exercise more discernment when it comes to trusting others and making wise decisions about my life, I also need to leap! Faith says that I won't always understand why or how, but I must trust something (Someone, in fact), greater than myself. The switchbacks don't make sense to me, but he gets it and is engaging my heart as I faithfully maneuver their corners.

So today I'm seeking to enjoy the view and the journey. I'm finding that as I embrace the course set before me, I'm experience peace deep within my belly--and if you know me, you know what a great thing that is! Here's to letting the Lord inform the future and waiting on his best for my life, not manufacturing my own version of what I think is best... It's a process. I'm in it.

My Choice: Woe or Thank?

2010-12-14T21:38:00.000-05:00

A few days ago I realized a need in my life: attitude adjustment! I'm just processing some heavier things right now and I realized (in the midst of a virus that kept me on the sofa and asleep in my bed for five days) that I was on a 'woe-is-me' spiral headed DOWNWARD. For such a positive person, I have issues. :) Honestly, I think it's easy at times to let circumstances rule my emotions and perspective. I read something that very evening that reminded me about gratitude. And, before bed, I felt *compelled* (quite literally) to jump out of bed, grab my journal and write 10 things I was thankful for that night.

I did it and found release in the action. I felt like I moved above those things concerning me (not to say that they didn't slip back into my consciousness the moment my head hit the pillow) and had something new to detour my brain towards in my considerations. And, I even thanked God for a couple things for which I don't feel very thankful right now.

Last night, I did it again. I think I'm going to turn this into a practice for the next month or so--feel free to check with me if you want. I'm excited to see how God will use this time to shape my heart toward relationship with Him. I think it'll be sweet... That's just a guess, but I hope...

Waiting (Well!)

2010-12-08T22:40:00.000-05:00

"She was not accustomed in these days to meet troubles, small or great, with the small stock of strength her mind or body could afford. She had acquired, by long habit, the power of putting them from her until she could take them into the presence of her Lord, and there, in secret, commune with Him of all that was in her heart."

--Sarah W. Stephen

(As published in Joy & Strength, 1993, Tileston, Mary W.)

I've recently grown weary in waiting. There are several thieves I've allowed in my life these past few months. They have stolen two important assets: my joy and my energy. I'm beginning to remember that sometimes I have to fight for my own heart when others are incapable of seeing what's happening in my stomach. When I reach the place where I feel the familiar sickness and ache in the depths of my insides, I know something is terribly amiss. I'm thankful for the knowledge. There are things to release and others of which I need to grab hold.

Waiting is never easy. Placing your trust in others equally challenging. Life, however, requires that I do both and I see this as a good reality. Though, knowing when to take action while waiting well and allowing appropriate trust is tricky. In my personal and work lives, I'm still a novice. I'm taking new ground as I grow, yet it has yet to 'feel' comfortable, safe or fun. I'd like the process to feel like this because I'd be more at ease. That said, I'm learning peace in it. (He, after all, is our Peace!)

The quote above is my hope for myself as I walk through the waiting. May I take everything to Him--commune!--finding rest in my Source and setting my body and mind (let's also add emotions) on a course toward purposeful change. Thank God that He is committed to transformation in my life.

Coco Said It... I Like It...

2010-11-17T13:13:00.000-05:00

My friend, Joanna recently sent this quote to me. I want to remember it forever. I think Coco and I could have been good friends. :)

“I don't understand how a woman can leave the house without fixing herself up a little - if only out of politeness. And then, you never know, maybe that's the day she has a date with destiny. And it's best to be as pretty as possible for destiny.”

--Coco Chanel--

Taking It Easy

2010-11-04T15:01:00.001-05:00

I'm at home taking it easy again after being rear-ended on the way home from work the other day. All things considered, I'm so grateful that the accident wasn't worse--my car and I will both recover soon. That said, I'm surprised by the level of discomfort I'm feeling in my back and neck. Today, I just feel like I cannot do much which is a rarity for me. I've been in a similar type of accident before, but these injuries feel different. After dealing with two insurance companies (both were great!), I was cleared to see my faithful chiropractor... Looks like I'm going to be seeing quite a bit of him, actually.

One thing that struck me the night of the accident was that I had no idea at the start of the day, or even on my commute home, that this event would transpire. The reality of my true lack of control creeps up at times like these. I am grateful that I know God and that I can depend upon his 'knowing' in every aspect of my life. He wasn't startled by the accident. I came home to an empty house that night and thankfully, had plans with a couple friends for dinner. Both guys were super kind and made the evening end on a much higher note. It was also perfect that we met across the street from my house, so no further driving was involved. : )

In the midst of it, I'm giving myself permission to be low-key and recover. I must say, it's a little challenging for me when I feel like there is a lot to do (and there is); but then again, life is short and it is okay to take a deep breath and realize that the best thing I can do for the Lord today is listen to the body he's given me and honor the need to heal. I've even given myself permission not to respond to email. All in all, a good day.

If you are someone who prays, I'd love prayers for my back and neck. I hope to feel well again soon.

Highlights from Home

2010-10-20T10:48:00.002-05:00

Ten months marked my longest absence from home... Ever. There is something strange about being away for so long. In part, I think I miss aspects of myself that come alive there, but it's a paradox of sorts as I know I'm living the life I'm supposed to be in at the moment, just elsewhere. In fact, I'm experiencing life profoundly these days--to no credit of my own, but all to the adoration of God who is so very, very good. Here were some highlights...

Driving with the Rockies as the backdrop wherever I found myself.
Experiencing Fall ... the Aspen leaves shining brilliant gold put at bay my insatiable appetite for the seasons.
Seeing old friends; meeting new ones. So blessed to hear and know their stories...
The golden-years friends I smiled at during a buffet lunch out with grandma and great auntie. Their warm smiles and bright-eyed responses were a precious gift. The simple desire to be seen... Wow.
Picking lush (and organic!) tomatoes from the garden my parents planted this year. Pictured above.
Grabbing Vietnamese food with a dear friend.
Holding my grandmother's hands in my own and praying over her.
The incredible night sky seen from 10-acres with no streetlights... I'm astounded each and every time.
The crisp, dry Colorado air.
Witnessing the consistent deepening of my parents faith reminded me to be grateful for the place from which I came. Inspiring.
Spruce Confections with Em & kiddos. Ruby Scone, Belgium Chocolate Mocha. Need I say more?

Chez JAL

2010-09-26T01:45:00.000-05:00

My friend laughed at the party description I listed in our Evite... September 25th through September 26th. Well, here I am at close to 2:30 AM on the 26th smiling at the loveliness that was our "Housewarming Shindig." We really meant it when we said come whenever! Our last guest left a mere 30 minutes ago and I'm nestled on my sofa enjoying the quiet and the memories while the dishwasher is hard at work in the background.

Many ideas spring to mind when I think of the question, "What makes a house a home?" Tonight, well actually, early this morning, I'm well-reminded that beyond the furniture, the pictures hanging on the wall, and that newly painted bedroom, people make a house a home. And, I feel more at home in this moment than I have in a month. Honestly, I feel loved. The friends that were able to come tonight made my life in this new city feel sweeter, more significant and seen. I loved how handfuls of them celebrated this amazing place of provision with us.

A favorite aspect of the party was the way several friends invited others into it with us--from Starbucks around the corner, the restaurant across the street, to their own housemates. It was awesome to say, "Welcome, make yourself at home," to people I've never laid eyes on before tonight. This is the kind of home I want to have throughout my lifetime...

I savored every second.

I Came to Leave It

2010-08-28T08:38:00.000-05:00

Two days ago I watched as my belongings were loaded onto a truck heading southward. It's hard to believe that I'm closing this chapter on Boston. This is real. Before I know it, I'll be settled in that great new-to-me house and my things will be around me. On a level, that is comforting; it's a sweet thing to feel a sense of familiarity--even when it comes from a connection with inanimate objects. There is a lot of good in my life right now and I'm seeking to daily live with that in mind. Transitions are hard, but life moves on. The tears that welled in my eyes upon landing here Wednesday tell me that I'm still grieving. And, I'll get through this because the Lord has given me hope for the next season of my story.

I'm soaking up today, my last day for a while, in the Bean. Looking back, I don't think I knew that I could ever love it so and I hope to feel that way about Orlando sooner than later. Goodbye, Boston.

God's Kindness via My Ministry Blog: Enjoy!

2010-08-21T13:33:00.000-05:00

Thought I'd share a story I posted on my ministry blog about how God is moving in my life here in Orlando... Providing in a way I never expected.

God's Kindness

Summer Vacation, Who Knew?

2010-08-03T20:47:00.000-05:00

It's official... My life is changing...

Tomorrow I'm heading out to celebrate two friends in the days leading up to their wedding and the start of their life-journey. I love it. I'm praying for them--after all, what an endeavor! Faith, faith, faith. I'm proud of them for the way they've walked through their engagement, persevered in seeking to understand the other even when the differences are pronounced and the way they have loved the Lord and each other in the process. He's been leading them sweetly in the same direction.

I also get to see my cousin and her family and spend two days with one of my favorite college friends and her family. How good of the Lord to give me some time to refuel in the midst of my crazy. Yep, let's leave it at that... Crazy. Blessed, blessed, blessed.

How is my life changing? Well first, I'm actually taking vacation days which is rare for me. Typically I intermingle work in there. Second, I'm traveling sans laptop. I must say, this is the challenging aspect. The thought makes me feel free (one obvious plus: won't have to pull it out at airport security!) and strangely weighed down (what will I do with my incredibly long stopover on the way home?).

I'm planning to read a book. Or two, perhaps.

Vacation. Wow. Excited.

I Will Exalt You

2010-07-19T13:10:00.000-05:00

I will exalt You
I will exalt You
I will exalt You
You are my God

My hiding place
My safe refuge
My treasure, Lord, You are
My friend and King
Anointed One
Most holy

Because You're with me
Because You're with me
Because You're with me
I will not fear

(Hillsong Church)

2 Days After My Last Post

2010-07-16T21:41:00.000-05:00

Last night around midnight found me tossing and turning. I was feeling the stress that I so often internalize (gift!), but let's just say that it was not fun--perhaps that's why I've learned to internalize it? But, I digress. Actually, an increasing sense of panic began to spread over me regarding my recent decision to officially move to Florida. I imagined ways of escape:

I could hop a plane and be anywhere but here this weekend,
I could leave my job and start something new, but somewhere where I was known,
I could live by myself and not deal with the anxiety I'm feeling of managing the expectations of three people,
I could sell all of my belongings currently residing in storage in the Northeast and rebuild my home life somehow,
I could...

In all honesty, I didn't like most or any of these suggestions I offered to my panicky self. Ultimately, I realized they wouldn't solve my problem. I wanted to go home. Which, I promptly told the Lord a number of times. And, then I cried as I realized I still don't quite know where that is. Don't get me wrong, I know home is with Him. I'm so grateful that this is true. Yet, me, in this place of transition isn't feeling that at the moment. I'm starting over and it's settling in... deeply.

So today, I made it into the office (did I mention I've been by myself all week, suffering from a virus that has encouraged me to sleep 15-16 hours a day?). I saw real people, whom I spoke with about things. That was good. I felt myself slowly backing away from the ledge, but the tears were immediately below the surface and welled to the brim several times throughout the day.

And tonight, one of my best friends from college called. We caught up for a while and I chatted with her precious little girl on speaker phone. I was grinning from ear-to-ear. She was telling me about making lemonade today (I think it was make-believe) and what she had for dinner (chicken tetrazini--big words for such a little person!). I loved how she said my name in her goodbye--how is it that little kids can make you feel like a huge celebrity simply by saying your name?? I love it!

Back to the point... My friend asked how I was doing and I spilled about this week and how I'm feeling about the change. She reminded me that I am known; in fact, that I have friends all over the country who care about me and this little life of mine (my words, not hers : ) ). It reminded me of that Mosaic... Didn't I say I needed to keep that in mind just a couple of days ago? My life might be fragmented, but it's a good life and there are actual people (living and breathing!) who share in it with me. Good, bad and mundane.

The point of these words? I needed the reminder. I might need more, so forgive me if I drone on about this for another few posts or another couple of months. This too shall pass.

Fragmentation

2010-07-14T16:12:00.001-05:00

Independence Day found me atop a parking garage in Orlando with others from my church community celebrating the holiday and discussing freedom. It was a great evening connecting with new people and enjoying the city (food to my soul!). At one point, I had a conversation in which I described my life as 'fragmented' and I've been thinking about it ever since. Here goes my verbal process:

Fragmented, Fragmenting, Fragments (www.thefreedictionary.com)
To break or separate (something) into fragments
To become broken into fragments

Sometimes, it feels like both; either my life is being broken into fragments or I'm becoming broken into fragments. When I moved east, as I've said here before, I wasn't logically nor emotionally aware of the consequences of my decision. I stepped out in faith, knew I was following the Lord and went for it. This time around, my perspective has changed. No longer sweetly naive to the realities of change, I am constantly aware of my choice. It's the right decision and I'm really encouraged as I see God at work, please don't misunderstand me; though, I do feel differently this time.

As I explained that night to the kind person with the listening ear, I'm starting over and my life feels like it's in three places now. Part of me is still in Colorado, most of me is in Boston and the rest has wandered down to Central Florida. DEAR friends live in each place while others reside in a variety of distant locations beyond the three, I'm finding it a challenge to keep up with my own life. How do we do it??

Fully aware that I'm not the only person living this sort of life, I'm struck by how crazy it is that we're all so interconnected and distant at once. (By the way, I know what I'm about to say has been said much more eloquently by others before me...) There's no use pointing fingers of blame at technology which made life this complicated because it also makes it this sweet. Goodbyes are no longer for good. We have the ability to hop planes, see each other online (literally and figuratively), text, call, send pictures via our phones and more. It's AMAZING. Can you believe we get to live in a time like this?

The ramifications, however, are real. Yes, I, the achiever, feel strongly that I should be able to do it all--stay connected to every person I've ever known and have yet to meet--but the more places I visit, the more I know the stories of the people I meet there, the less able I am to do it well. Perhaps this is the greatest hardship of the new move... Knowing that I'm further away from staying connected the way I desired to be at this time last year.

Another side to the issue? I now have the choice and ability to let new people into my life. This is a beautiful thing and I really do want that, but starting from, "Once upon a time there was a girl from Colorado..." feels so draining. Maybe I don't need to start there (I am an extrovert who does have a lot of words...), but, "Hi, I'm Jessica" can steal my energy just as fast as it's typically followed by, "What do you do? Where do you live? How long have you been here?" Bottom line? I just want to be known--sooner rather than later. Yet, it requires effort and it requires time.

So, here's a perspective the Lord gave me today regarding my fragmented life--the one I will carry with me when the waves of uncertainty rise in moments where I feel so out of place--again, not a new idea: A Mosaic. All of these fragments, the pieces from various places and people in my life are beautifully melded together creating a picture I cannot see this side of Heaven; but prayerfully, a picture that brings glory to God who has led me so faithfully along this path, provided so lavishly for this daughter who loves Him and would go anywhere because I know He is good, and simply sits at His feet wondering at His ability to make the pieces add up to something whole.

Seriously Unscheduled

2010-07-01T21:01:00.000-05:00

A few minutes ago I pulled up my trusty online calendar and began inserting details for the coming weeks. At times, I'm the type of person who feels discouraged looking at what is ahead because it all seems to transpire too quickly. I experience powerlessness in its passing. It is not that I want to save my life; rather, I want to savor life and have lacked the skills required to engage in my longing to reestablish a whole-life. Thankfully, this year has changed that immensely.

What I noticed as I glanced through each of the remaining months of 2010 was a supreme lack of detail marking out my days and weeks. While I have a feeling this state of being will not last long, I gaped at those empty squares dedicated to unfilled days, feeling a rush of fascination and fear. I do not remember a time in the past six years where there was so much emptiness, openness, or opportunity (I'm still undecided on which to choose) in my schedule.

I'm wondering tonight how these moments of life will transpire. What does God have in store? Who are the people with whom I will spend them? How can I choose to engage and invest in a way I've never imagined?

Exciting, right?

The Ants Go Marching One by One--No Hurrah Here

2010-06-24T00:02:00.000-05:00

There are ants all over the townhouse I'm staying at for the first part of my summer. I discovered them the other day when a few of them determined to bite my ankle. So, I did what any new resident without proper resources would do: I sprayed some kitchen cleaner on the ones I could see and called it good for the night. I couldn't get over how small and seemingly harmless they appeared; I now beg to differ.

Sadly, this didn't solve the issue as I awoke the next morning and sleepily, not to mention contact-and-glasses-free, made my way into the kitchen to make coffee. They'd thrown a party in the middle of the floor--thank the Lord I actually saw them! Probably 75-100 new little friends blocked my way from sink to counter. This sent me into a cleaning frenzy and I quickly vacuumed them up (more humane?) and proceeded to do the same to all of the tile floors to ensure no crumb was left to be discovered by any of their relatives.

Have I mentioned that I'm in the middle of a huge transition? Exhausted? Wondering how my new full-time life here in Florida is going to turn out especially as most of my friends are not here at present? Living out of boxes and suitcases?

Later that day, more ants. This time upstairs in the master bath. You'd think I'd head directly to the store and buy the Ortho, but no, I kept doing it 'my way' (mostly because I couldn't find the energy to deal). Big surprise: it hasn't worked. Regardless of how many ants I squash, spray with one version of household cleaner or another and even yes, in my weak moments, curse them, they've determined to stay put. In fact, late this afternoon, I was hastily getting ready for my small group and happened to notice bunches (!!!) of them in the master bedroom on the carpet and on the nightstand. Needless to say, I was late.

So tonight, I popped into Publix in Thorton Park after my small group ended. Knowing that even a small taste of the city would give my spirit some lift, I enjoyed the fleeting minutes I spent searching for the right tools to take care of my new roommates. Then, I headed far away from the city toward my home of the next weeks and yep, I cried.

Do you ever feel like the last straw has been pulled for you and you're totally out of control? This would be me at the moment.

Thankfully, I came home to a friend who listened to me rant about the day for a few minutes before I began spraying Ortho like a lunatic and strategically setting up ant traps. It was extremely cathartic. The point? Well, I'm still trying to figure that out, but somehow I think it has something to do with what I do when I reach the end of myself. Not that there's a lesson to be had in everything, but these ants have been a great reminder that I'm in need of mercy and grace as I move through this transition. They're sort-of representative of the chaos that exists inside me and how it keeps showing up in new and unexpected places. Though it's annoying and frustrating I guess I'm trying to make the best of it, doing what I can as I'm able.

Generosity: Not for the Stingy of Heart

2010-06-21T19:07:00.000-05:00

What would be generous?

Four simple words mobbed with meaning. It's a question I've begun asking myself recently and I'm finding it to be quite the challenge. Last week my roommates and I were packing up our apartment; I noticed that things were moving slowly. There came a moment when it hit me that we'd never be out on time unless I picked up my pace in order to be available to clean once my belongings were safely stowed. So, I did.

The next day, I finished and cleaned my room then turned my attention to the common spaces. I was in the middle of clearing and wiping out our kitchen cabinets when a wave of bitterness began to rise. Thoughts like, "I knew this would happen," and "They don't even care that I am stepping in to do more," raced through my mind. Standing over the kitchen sink, I allowed my rantings to continue and quietly, I heard Him... "You don't have to do all of this, you're choosing to..."

I stopped in my tracks as the warm water washed over my hands... Heart surgery. I argued that I did need to do this - we'd never be done on time. I was thinking of the people responsible for checking on our apartment to ensure it was left as required. They already had so much on their plates without our lack of care or concern about their work to get everyone out on time. I didn't want to take advantage.

Next I began to think about the way I communicate a high value on generosity in all aspects of my life. Wouldn't it be generous to clean our apartment to bless my roommates? That would certainly show kindness and love as they only had a few hours left to move their belongings. Was it really so hard for me to clean? After all, I love to clean! (Really, I am that person.)

God, in His goodness, also reminded me in those moments that being generous outwardly did not change the reality of what He saw and experienced in my heart. Oh, stingy, stingy heart. He, as He always is, was right. Generosity doesn't depend upon my outward deeds, but pours out through a heart that is in right relationship with Him.

Relationship. Yes, that's what this is all about, isn't it?

Not only were my relationships with my roommates (as an aside: roommates whom I completely adore!) affected by what was taking place in my inner life, but also my relationship with God. The One who spared nothing, including His Son, that I might be free and have life!! SUCH generosity! Who was I to withhold this very minuscule act of generosity through a growing inward bitterness?

Both roommates later told me how grateful they were for the extra work I did to get us out of that apartment. The sweetness of their gratitude fell heavy upon my heart as I considered what had taken place between the Lord and I. It has been another good picture of the need I have for the Gospel and the mercy of God.

What does it mean to walk in generosity in my finances, work, service, relationships, with my belongings, time, gifts and beyond?

May I have a growing awareness that God has given me everything and I now have the opportunity to employ my freedom as a blessing to others. Inwardly, I choose to give it all away. Outwardly, I do.

How can I live out His generosity today?

Beyond Stint

2010-06-17T13:49:00.000-05:00

Sitting in my half-empty room today, I'm thinking about transitions. My life has been full of them this year. Stint is officially over, the safety net gone, the apartment will be a distant memory beginning tomorrow and then what? I suppose I'll begin the process of actually adjusting to my new life. Well, maybe Saturday.

Like the Orlando nights filled with thick humidity-fog (I've never actually heard it called that, but I think I'll use it), I peer beyond the darkness and find the Lord opening new doors of promise up ahead. I'm waiting in anticipation and yet, I'm still very tired. I imagine the weariness will follow me around for a while longer to remind me that it is good to live at rest, walk at rest, work at rest. So Jesus, I am resting, resting...

Something I don't wish to pack away in any of these boxes is the brightness of my time with Him this year. I didn't want to forget from whence I came; today, I've turned my attention to remembering Him. Pray that I faithfully trust Him, look to Him, depend upon Him, long for Him and love Him. He is nearer, dearer and sweeter...

The Post to Help Me Remember Matthew 11:28-30

2010-06-02T22:10:00.000-05:00

Lake Hart Stint 11 ends in a couple of weeks. This reality is exhilarating and simultaneously disconcerting. There has been a safety net beneath me for nearly ten months as I have processed my life openly before God and a few close friends. The process has been painful and sweet, yet an enormous amount of grace has been shown to me. Looking back on these months, friends tell me that they experience me differently... in a good way. I cannot feel anything but gratitude to the Lord for bringing me to the other side of what I've just been through. Deep places of need have surfaced and He tells me to rest as today I wonder: Will the changes remain?

In light of that, I felt that I needed to publish a poem here to remind myself that I do not want to return from whence I came. Regardless of who reads this blog, I find that putting this out there publicly serves as a help to continue to trust God with next growth steps. Interestingly enough, I wrote this on September 30, 2008. I think it was one of the catalysts for me to begin to see what was really going on inside. At that time, I could not have imagined how God would meet me, but He has in ways that have been profound and significant. He is truly good.

And, you can ask me how I'm doing if you want... I'm open to people coming alongside me as I step into my new role and season of life with the Lord and others here in Orlando: resting, listening, receiving, responding and giving.

Losing Sight

Running, I'm running
Running my course
A treadmill unending, lacking refuge

One day I realize
I'm sick of my game
Losing capacity; my sense:
'All is in vain'

Wondering:
What's next?...
How can I get off?...
-Of this traveling treadmill-
When is my stop?

I've sought their approval
I've established my name
I'm weary, so tired
it is such a shame
Motivation is gone
Lights' drained from my eyes
Can anyone sense I'm dying inside?

Running, I'm running
Running my course...
I've completely lost sight of my life-giving Source.

An Unexpectedly Wonderful Day

2010-05-23T14:16:00.001-05:00

Saturday.

Noon. Found my way out of the house; packed my writing notebook, Message version Bible, Journal, and book my Sphere is reading this summer...

1:30PMish. After driving through some sketchy parts of the city, praying for God to bring His Kingdom and restore the broken (what sweet time!), I landed at Infusion Tea in College Park for a bit.

Ran into Brenda from my department, met her friend, Jan and then found a window seat at a high top table to spend some quiet time.

I wrote about some broken places in my life and reflected on how I have experienced growth, even when it doesn't appear that way. A dear friend, Megan and I caught up via phone and prayed before hanging up. She encouraged me immensely. Read two chapters in my Sphere book, The Furious Longing of God, by Brennan Manning. It make me think and smile.

3:45 PM. Off to another adventure. A new friend highly recommended a photography exhibit downtown... SNAP, so I decided to go.

4:05 PM. Parked and meandered toward the gallery I visited last weekend to better understand the lay of the land. Happened upon a wine/food festival there. Popped into the gallery, asked some questions, discovered the main event didn't occur until 7 PM (Hummm... 3 hours to kill?) and took some time to look at the pieces they had in their possession.

Was challenged by the story one photographer told about a mobile home park here in Florida. The residents chose to live there and LOVED it. Their perspective on beauty had so much more to do with people than with things. I admired them and soaked in the images.

And, I looked to my left, and there was Jenn from Status. She and a friend popped into the gallery while waiting to meet others who were attending the festival outside.

We chatted briefly and then they left; I continued my tour. I found myself in the front of the gallery talking with Donna, a painter who volunteered there. We talked about the importance of our humanity and what we can learn from people like those in the mobile home park.

She kindly offered me a free pass to the wine/food festival outside! And, we said our goodbyes and I went on my way.

5:30 PM. I took in the crowds of people and wandered through the booths. Sipped some vino, ate tiny food and felt hot under the late afternoon sun. In one line, I met Tommy who gave me a hard time about being at the festival on my own. A psychotherapist in town who oversees the hospital wards, he shared briefly of the depth of pain that kids that he and his staff encounter experience in life. It reminded me to be grateful.

He introduced me to his friends, Ian and Tim. We chatted for a few minutes and they asked what I was up to -- I told them I was passing the time until the exhibit opened at 7 PM and how I had happened upon the festival. They couldn't believe I got in for free. I told them I must have a way with people. ;)

We said our goodbyes with the hope that perhaps we'd reconnect later --potentially at the exhibit--he sweetly kissed my cheek and I wished them a great afternoon.

5:45 PM. A bit more navigation required, I finally found a local coffee shop where some local musicians were setting up to play. I sat at a bar of sorts with my iced peppermint mocha (delightful!!), pulled out my journal and thought I'd spend some time processing on paper the thoughts swirling in my mind from the last 36 hours.

I wrote for quite a while and decided to go back and remember... The entries varied and I saw how I longed to connect with God and be changed by Him. The hardest to read? October 20, 2009. That was the day I felt "done" with Him and laid it all out there. I was in so much pain... The redeeming thing about October 20, 2009, however, was that my relationship with God was forever altered -- in a good way. Had this day never occurred, I would not be who I am and where I am now.

7:05 PM. A guy named Shaun sat down by me at the counter. He asked what I was doing and I told him I was remembering. He asked if I was a writer. I actually said "Yes." (Who knew it was in me to begin to admit it to perfect strangers!) He asked some personal questions about the writing and I was able to answer. I wasn't sure what he was going after, so I cautiously went along. I told him about God and how that's my foundation. He and his sister, Megan (a college student in S. FL who was visiting her big brother for the weekend) were participating in the festival and he asked what I was up to. I told him I was heading to a photography exhibit and he said, "Why don't we all go together?"

And so we did. Trust me, I was being safe, but I can imagine this might sound unsafe.

So we went. Taking in the different perspectives, we discussed what they meant and honestly, after a while, the vibe I was getting from him made me determine that I needed to head out sooner than later.

I enjoyed interacting with Seth who showed us a new technology that projects images, film and the like from a device the size of an iPhone... Pretty cool stuff. And, just a few other people that I didn't officially meet, but interacted with throughout the exhibit space.

I was able to move along on my own after expressing that I needed to get going to meet up with some friends back home. And, in the process, found my way up the stairs to the last part of the exhibit. Probably one of my favorite rooms.

9:20 PM. At the end of the day and on my drive home, I understood what a unique and special day the Lord had given me. I met so many people throughout its course - some known, some unknown - and was able to share about the Kingdom in small ways. What an encouraging time and what a beautiful way to spend a day.

The Last Will Be First

2010-05-07T16:17:00.000-05:00

I came across an online photo today of a woman lying in a bed, her small body had nothing to it. Standing over this frail one, was another woman, very healthy in appearance, reaching out her hand to touch her. As I sat with the image for a minute, the thought that permeated my mind was this: that woman should go before me in the Kingdom.

Jesus' words hit me like a ton of bricks, "But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first." ( Speaking about the Kingdom in Matthew 19:30.) How often do I desire to be 'first' in life? As an American, it is often my expectation, not simply a privilege or blessing. When I approach life and people this way, I am wrong. And, it takes a moment of introspection to see it most clearly.

Compared with the myriad of sufferers in the world (...not seeking to invalidate my own suffering, yet desiring God to enlarge my perspective), my suffering is minimal. There is so much pain in the world. The reality that some believers (notwithstanding, the unbelievers around the globe) don't have clean water, proper nourishment, shelter, medicine, religious freedoms and more, humbles me in a way I cannot properly express.

Today, I feel grateful that God will honor others ahead of me. It is appropriate and loving.

Perceiving the Potluck: An Invitation

2010-05-02T23:14:00.000-05:00

Tonight at Status we had an ol' fashioned Potluck. After finishing up my paintings earlier in the afternoon, I spent the next few hours wrestling over the decision to go or not. Here's the thing: I've been out of town (and honestly, out of sorts this year on the Stint) and made a commitment to myself following my last trip to be present at Status (the community of believers I'm engaging with here in Orlando). However, the friend I typically attend with was not able to go tonight.

So all afternoon I wrestled. I knew the Lord wanted me to go and I found myself wondering if it would be okay to outright disobey and head out with some friends who had other ideas for the evening. In the midst of this, I texted two others... Not going. Even though I enjoy people, it felt pretty intimidating to go by myself since we'd be having this Potluck and certainly sitting around tables with strangers or something of the sort. Every insecure place inside me rose to the occasion and I reasoned, "Well, the Lord loves me and will forgive me if I don't listen..." Right?

It's true, He would do that, but I would MISS out on something He had for me.

Long story, still long? I went. By God's mercy (truly, that's absolutely it!), another friend agreed to go with me to be my wing-woman. I told the Lord that He didn't have to provide in that way, but I was so grateful that He did. He's so stinkin' kind to me.

On my way there, I dropped into a store to grab something I might contribute. I found some crackers, meat and cheese, hopped in the car making it there early. (Can't remember the last time that happened now that I think of it.) And, yep, I was so glad that I listened to the Lord. Everything from the table-time to the message was so poignant and timely. Cole is continuing a series called Awaken the Dawn and continued sharing about spiritual maturity tonight utilizing the metaphor: Buffet v. Potluck. It was so encouraging and challenging.

The bottom line of what he talked about was that we want to live a Potluck lifestyle when it comes to our spiritual growth and maturity...

The table is empty: we approach with something to offer (note to self: let the Lord shower grace upon you when you find yourself apologizing for what you have to offer... like you did tonight with what you brought for the Potluck. Sad, but true in my life - this spoke volumes!)
Many people can contribute to a potluck--actually its SO much better with many than with a few.
A potluck is full of flavor; people bring part of who they are to the equation, it's diverse and delicious.
Potlucks are risky (as a Germaphobe, I LOVED this point :) ); you don't know what you're going to get, so you step out on a limb--we're able to risk because we're surrounded by people who love us.
A call to generosity; if we didn't give of ourselves, the table would be empty.
We participate and therefore, we grow! We don't simply approach and consume, but we are empowered to contribute.

Another positive? Ask my family, they'll affirm this... I hate buffets!! ; )

On a more serious note, as we looked at many passages in Scripture throughout the evening, I was reminded how high a value God places on our growth and maturity. For me, the Lord continues to affirm His desire that I step from fear to faith in several big areas of my life, trusting Him because He loves me. The post from earlier today gives a glimpse of some of those fears. I hear the Lord inviting me to join Him in a sweeter place -- a place of freedom -- and I really want to follow Him as He leads me there.

In the Face of Fear

2010-05-02T14:00:00.001-05:00

Artists I know understand something about the process. The initial inspiration leads them to action and by some means unknown to me, most would say that the product is not what they originally envisioned, but better. Though I try to internalize the greatness of how it seems to work, I struggle with the reality.

If you know me, you know that I thrive on the messy and love to solve problems with excellence. A perfectionist and yes, Type A (me in a box!), I have a tendency to procrastinate until I know I can do something well. As a result, the creative process can feel like torture to me. I love the idea of expressing myself, engaging with the Lord and experiencing His truth as I write, draw or paint; yet, all of these forms of artistry take a toll because I can't know how it will turn out in the end. And, if I'm honest, I don't know how open I am to feeling this 'seen'. I am afraid.

As I type, I'm also reminded of how this comparison relates to people--you cannot control them, you must listen and temper your expectations of what's coming next. Uncertainty is the only certainty you're guaranteed. Intimacy comes when you are vulnerable and let them close enough to see the cracks and they do the same. This, too, is scary.

Today I sat down and actually completed two smallish paintings. Shockingly, I found myself reveling in the process throughout the whole of the morning! I smiled and teared up as I realized it mid-stroke. And, who knows if they're even any good--though, it really doesn't matter... I like them.

It feels brave.

In the Land of Women...

2010-04-30T23:15:00.000-05:00

My roommate and I were in the "I'm not up for going out on the town", aka Friday, sort of mood tonight, so I popped over to the new frozen yogurt place across the way, grabbed treats and headed back to introduce her to one of my favorite films. I don't think I've written about it here before...

Each of the ten (+) times I've watched In the Land of Women, I find myself reflecting and thinking about life. Such a poignant, funny, sad and truly beautiful story erupts as a young guy from LA runs from his present reality, finding an unexpectedly safe haven in a small Michigan neighborhood where he takes time to care for his ailing grandmother. Two key characters, a mother and daughter living across the street, bring their own issues to bear as they spend time with him.

In the film everyone works to conceal something, but the thing they think is hidden is actually known. They just don't know that it's known. Confusing enough for you? Each time I watch it I'm reminded of the chaos existing in my own heart. What do I do with my pain? The characters handle pain differently. We see them running from it, medicating it, filling the void with things like relationships and busyness, or utterly suppressing it.

However, the sweetness comes in the honest moments. Each of them wants to be known; each takes risks, engages, fails, forgives. I love how messy it is -- I don't always understand or agree with their choices, but I 'get' the chaos, the pain. I never experience a sense of resolution as the credits roll, but I do feel strangely inspired. And though I have seen it many times, I'm still trying to put my finger on the 'why'.

Free: Amazing Hymns Album! Yes, Please.

2010-04-30T17:28:00.004-05:00

My friends, Page CXVI just released their newest hymns album!! Please show your support, love on them a little bit, spread the word. Free downloads from their first album until May 4th. You can sample tracks from the newest album while you visit. You won't be sorry!

Download it

Would I Give Up High Heels?

2010-04-26T17:28:00.001-05:00

In my world these last years, I have become fond of a description I ascribe to myself regarding my obsession with high heels... I am my 'true-intended height' when I wear them. God made me 5'4.5", but created men who would make shoes that would take me to the 5'7" or 5'8" that He intended. It was kind of the Lord to do this for me, don't you think?

A recent conversation with a friend has called into question (in a nice, non-judgmental, but making-me-think-sort-of-way) if part of the obsession exists so I might better fit into a daydream I carry around about marrying a very tall man. Yep, that sounds as funny as I expected - ridiculous perhaps? But honestly, when she said this to me on Saturday, I thought, "Hummm...." There is something in me that really desires to feel small and protected in a relationship. I've continued to mull this over wondering what I really do hope for in the person I marry... Another friend, recently engaged, shared just two weeks before how her fiance came in a 'package' she didn't expect, yet how tremendously well-suited they are for another. Was this the Lord preparing me to think this through a bit more?

And Saturday, this question was posed, "Jess, would you give up high heels?" Let's talk about this: "what if" I met a godly man, passionately pursuing and building God's Kingdom, a great communicator who loved me enough to encourage me toward the Lord in life, was growing in grace and truth, and was not what I have envisioned outwardly? What if I towered over him when I wore my heels and that was strange for him? Could I wear flats 'til death do us part? Part of me says, "EEK!"...

Let's just say that I'm still in process with the latter (aka, 'Wow, this is harder to consider than I ever imagined'), but seeking to let the Lord inform my future because I know that He is truly good -- Who knew a girls' high heels could be such a big deal?

New Roots

2010-04-17T16:59:00.000-05:00

There is this beautiful ocean pathway along the Atlantic in Maine called the Marginal Way. Walking along it, you can't help but breathe in the salt of the ocean and spot the gulls at play. I don't remember a single thing about its history or even the details of the times I walked it, but I have this photo hanging in a white frame against the textured white wall of my bedroom that I took on one of those treks that shows a lovely leaf-covered tunnel, colored with New England's finest fall colors. I remember the man at the photo printing store (yes, this was prior to the digital age) telling me that the bottom was a bit blurry and it was probably the result of some residue on my camera lens at the time I snapped the picture. (That doesn't have much to do with what I'm about to say, but I'll allow it to serve as my little tangent memory for the post.)

At any rate, I feel like life has gone a bit pear-shaped over the past two weeks (thank you Sweet Home Alabama for that way of looking at life when its messy); I feel out of sorts which has much to do with a complete week of crazy two weeks back, then the following seven days I limited the insanity, yet presently suffer from an overwhelming sense of depletion. Five friends have called that I need to catch up with--I can't bring myself to respond, I keep thinking that a work-out will help--I'm immobilized from shear indecision, I know I'd feel better if I just took care of the cluttered stacks of paper around my room--but really, why would I want to file today? So, I'm productively staring at the wall and find my gaze settling on this photograph while my memory meanders back to the time I moved to Boston.

I don't remember questioning the decision or even feeling super concerned about the lack of relationships I had in the Northeast (Oh, let's think... None). Yet, I've just made a decision to stay in Florida -- details to come in the nearer future -- and I think what I'm experiencing is loss. It is very normal to face this with any major change in life, but I think it snuck up on me. I'm really excited about the 'why' when it comes to staying; but the meaning of the change isn't lost on me this time around. I'm not going back to my relationships, my apartment, my city, the Charles River, my favorite restaurants, the seasons, the Public Garden, my office (with the door!), the Red Line, my church... I've already left.

I have to grow new roots. It's like the tunnel in the picture: it is really beautiful to look at, but I'm unsure if I want to walk into and through it. What if I don't like what is on the other side? The pathway is a bit blurry at the bottom and my uncertainty, in the midst of faith, grows.

Two months ago, I was talking with the president of my organization about the outcomes of following the Lord and how I previously grew so close to a community of friends who became my 'family' in Boston. He compassionately said that perhaps it was indeed time for me to establish roots with a new family. At the time, I remember thinking this was true and it really is now.

Praying to thrive where I'm planted. And so goes the story of laying new roots.

March 18: It's Tourney Time!!

2010-03-18T11:56:00.000-05:00

The most wonderful time of my year has arrived... Days and nights filled with nothing but NCAA Men's Basketball. Truth be told, my life is altered as I make plans around the games I "must see"! And, I relish it. I love fan-ship, cheering my team on, competing in the bracket challenges with friends (and hopefully beating them!); and, even when it marks death for my bracket, I hanker for a good Cinderella story. It's the fodder from which dreams are made and brings us hope because, at heart, we all love an underdog!

Let the Madness begin!

Unmet Expectations and Social Media: Danger Zone

2010-03-16T23:29:00.001-05:00

Yesterday I accepted a friend request on Facebook from a woman I met at a social outing. Today, I was taken aback when I logged on and saw her status update in my news-feed... She was publicly berating her husband. I won't share details of what she communicated, but here I am, unable to sleep and still thinking about it.

At the core, I think she was really disappointed. The sadness therein likely played out in hurt, then anger. It sounded as though her husband played a role beyond what occurred initially which escalated the issue. They both contributed.

Why am I continuing to mull it over?

Part of me feels so sad for her husband. What would it be like to log on to Facebook and see your failure? The reality that she highlighted this openly is hard for me to stomach. Even though I'm not married, friends have helped me gain a small understanding of what this does to a man... She publicly stripped him of something significant today.

My other reflection has been focused on her disappointment. Her husband did not meet a need for her and it seems to have magnified all else. He let her down and it triggered something inside of her. There is genuine validity for the need she experienced -- there's something much deeper going on in her heart. The reality of what she did with the disappointment is another thing altogether.

Lately, I've been weighing the power of my own words (perhaps even in light of my last post and wanting to ensure I provided a fairly balanced perspective in my thinking). In my life, I've experienced the truth of this verse: "Words kill, words give life; they're either poison or fruit -- you choose." (Proverbs 18:21) What we do with them matters. Perhaps I don't "air my dirty laundry" on Facebook, but what she put out there for all to see happens regularly in my heart. I am not immune and I must remember it.

Perhaps a question or two to ask in the near future:

What is my motivation for posting "this" publicly?
What is really going on in my heart?

Also, a good principle I was reminded of today: HALT: Stopping to ask some of these key questions can help us make better decisions especially when things feel out of control emotionally.

Hungry: What do I really need right now?
Angry: What is really upsetting me and how can I fix it?
Lonely: Who or what will fill my need for companionship right now?
Tired: What is a healthy way to increase my energy right now?

Forget Los Angeles?

2010-03-14T14:10:00.000-05:00

So I've been thinking...

What is it about men in the context of a Christian subculture of sorts that leads them to become excessively cautious when it comes to relationships? Or, on a much less risky level, the fear of offering a mere compliment to a female friend because of what it could communicate?

I know, I know. We women like to immediately jump into our fantasy-island-land and picture the guy on our first date, then the proposal (he tells us he CANNOT POSSIBLY live without us), our wedding day (we look STUNNING; he thinks so, too!) and our happily ever after where the children (if we have them) think we're amazing, we never fight, we have it all together and the story fades into the backdrop with the well-known sunset and feel good music (perhaps Michael Buble's "Haven't Met You Yet" - we'll see the irony in the lyric as we're so enraptured by the beauty of the story we've just witnessed?)... Whew.

This is what happens when girlfriends get together to shoot the breeze - probably a scary idea for most guys. : ) We, however, do WONDER about these weird realities and where they come from...

Perhaps we've placed too much pressure on guys to have it figured out when really, we know you don't (have it figured out, that is). This doesn't come from a bitter place, actually, rather one filled with compassion. Or perhaps, we continue (in our lovely female way) to give some guys more credit than is due because they know, as do their male friends, that they are afraid and it immobilizes them.

THAT said, we, females, have MAJOR issues, too... Let's not lose sight of that in this moment. (Remember, fantasy-island-land!... If I were a man, I'd be afraid...)

I have been thinking about this since returning from LA last weekend. A strange thing happened there... I actually met Christian guys that were both engaging, handsome, and fun. They weren't scared of me. They asked me questions, made eye contact (what!?!), were kind, even forthright and seemingly mature. (Basis for "seemingly" as used in the last sentence: I don't know much more than the first impression allowed, so I can't comment beyond this, nor they about me for that matter...)

The one remarkable thing I took with me (as I headed back into the, sometimes strange, subculture I live in) was the real sense of being a woman. They behaved like men and in turn, I felt noticed, interesting and yes, even attractive. It was awesome and encouraging.

No wonder I want to move to Los Angeles A.S.A.P. ;)

Watching, Learning, Living Freely & Lightly

2010-03-10T19:15:00.001-05:00

^{Matthew 11:28-30}"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

This passage has become all too familiar over the past couple of years. I feel like the Lord keeps bringing me back to it; it's where I found myself again today while spending the afternoon focused on personal development in 70+ degree weather, poolside. (Yes, my life is pretty amazing on a few levels this year... I just wish I could come to love Orlando in some way.)

Early Sunday I returned from Los Angeles where I spent a few days interviewing some field volunteers, interns and staff for a huge organizational project. While away, I had the opportunity to process some of the ways the Lord has been at work in my life this year. One obvious way is the change from my post last fall to the one I wrote the other week. Beyond that, however, I have begun to see the freedom God is instilling in my heart regarding my life and future. In walking with Jesus and watching how he does things, I am seeing that he really wants me to live. Truly he has been helping me to recover my life.

Sunday night I walked into an altered auditorium space at church; the chairs were replaced with 'stations' with descriptions like Service, Prayer, Confession and more. My first response was, "Get me out of here!" I'm still new to this church and feel like the simple act of showing up on Sunday night is a step of faith. When Cole, who was teaching that night, explained the evening -- he asked us to consider where the Lord might want us to first engage -- I gave in and chose to oblige.

At one station (Solitude), I was able to ask the Lord what I was holding on to that I needed to release back to his care. Relationships. Eye opening. I spent some time at Silence and Sabbatical, seeking to posture my heart to hear. Finally, I headed out to Prayer. That station encouraged us to ask the Lord about the dreams he has placed in our hearts. I grabbed the piece of paper and found a spot alone against a wall. Sitting quietly, I asked the Lord what it was that he wanted me to remember about these dreams. I filled the page.

It was a sweet time with him because I see the Lord changing the way I'm viewing what he might have in store for me -- not in the sense of the mission itself or building His Kingdom, but how he wants me to participate in that. It was in Hollywood last week that I was inspired (!) for the first time in quite some time by the way he's working. I'm beginning to ask him what dreams he's placed in me that I've allowed to fall to the wayside in my attempts to determine my own safe outcomes and create a place in my life where I'm moving higher in leadership, yet lacking vision for those advances.

The reality is that I need him to show me. I don't want to miss what he has for me because I'm too afraid to step out and live in light of his call. A few weeks ago, a guy came and spoke to our national leaders on organizational change. One of the things that stayed with me was this:

"The fruit is out on the branches; we cannot reach it by staying by the trunk."

It's risky to step out on those branches to reach the fruit. The question I've been asking myself since then is this: What's the alternative?

I suppose this is why we Christians continue to say that walking with Jesus is an adventure... It is. And, because it is the greatest and most worthy undertaking in life, it is both terrifying and exhilarating. Thankfully, I have a good teacher to show me the ropes. Lead on, Lord: I'm following you.

New Perspective, New Post

2010-02-03T18:42:00.000-05:00

We're still in the midst of winter and I don't even know if the Groundhog saw his shadow. It's warm here in Florida and, with the exception of some rain showers the past few days, the sun is shining. This is probably the kindest of February's I've experienced in years. Disappointments shared here months ago are not necessarily resolved, but my heart is... Once again, I'm choosing to trust.

John of the Cross, a Spanish believer and spiritual pilgrim, referred to times like the one I've been walking through as "the dark night of the soul" - there's a consciousness regarding the depth of pain we experience when all of our hopes in God do not add up to the reality of what we see and understand. The process has been challenging to sit in, but I'm grateful that I've chosen to be still. The value to my soul? Immeasurable.

I've been praying for years that I would more fully experience what the Apostle Paul talks about in Ephesians 3:

"...that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height--
to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God." (emphasis mine)

I think these recent months, and even the past several years, are a clear answer to this prayer. While it seems counter-intuitive and even cruel, I am coming to understand that in order to experience God's love in this way, I must be wounded by Him first. John of the Cross talks about this in his writings. When I first read it, my anger increased and I felt a greater measure of despondency. How could God choose to wound me further? Wasn't the struggle and disappointment severe enough?

And now, I see more clearly. In my life I have set up systems and structures that act as "workarounds" to deal with the brokenness. I'm more dependent upon these than I am upon God who loves me deeply and sent His Son to free me from this very thing. I've been coping my whole life.

The answers? I don't know them all or even most or some.

What I do know:
I am present.
I am listening.
I am in it.
I am not alone.
My hope is in God.

Hope Deferred...

2009-10-26T22:11:00.002-05:00

Deferred: withheld for or until a stated time (Merriam-Webster online)

I'm choosing something important right now. My 'positivity' according to StrengthsFinders is an asset, but as I'm experiencing it recently it is a deterrent to my own growth. Disappointments of past and present have surfaced like torpedoes over the past few weeks - I thank the flu for the down time which provided me ample opportunity to think. And think. And Think.

What have I determined to do with my thoughts? Sit in them. Address them. Interview them. Take them to the One who can handle them (whether I believe He wants to or not is another question altogether at the moment).

If you know me, chances are high that you probably would not use "Angry" as an adjective to describe me.

I am angry. My anger comes from disappointment. The disappointment alights from many an unmet expectation.

And, I am sitting in it. It is painful. The outcome looks bleak.

... Makes the heart sick.

Longing for Home, Unsure Where It Is

2009-10-06T19:38:00.002-05:00

I know what is true... This is not my home - I'm just on a journey here walking towards Home.

During recent days, however, I find myself longing for a home. A factor driving this to the heart today is my current battle with the flu. I miss my overstuffed sage-green couch, my dark brown leather chair, my plush off-white rug, the coffee with cream colored walls of my former living room and yes, my own bed. I miss my good friends living a stone's throw away and the ability to reach out to them. And, I just miss the familiarity of being known.

Whenever this question of home arises, I find my mind wandering toward the unknown future that awaits me. At once it is hard to wait and easy to trust. I can't imagine what the outcome will be, so I've resigned (in a healthy way), to allowing the days to take their course. Whatever will be, will, well, be.

This said, the want remains and as I wrestle with this virus, I tussle with my longing for a home.

I've Spent Seven Days in Florida...

2009-08-31T20:40:00.003-05:00

The main question pervading my heart over this past week is this, "WHAT am I doing??" Currently, the answer escapes me; although, it is also obvious. The Lord has me here. He has chosen this for me. I'm comforted tonight by this excerpt from Streams in the Desert...

August 31st
"Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed." (John 20:29)

I do not ask that He must prove
His Word is true to me,
And that before I can believe
He first must let me see.
It is enough for me to know
It's true because He says it's so;
On His unchanging Word I'll stand
And trust till I can understand.

E.M. Winter

Living in Chaos: Not My Idea of a Good Time :)

2009-08-14T13:45:00.003-05:00

The past two days I hit a low point with the moving-action. Picture the image with about five times the amount of stuff in it and welcome to my apartment after five days of packing. :)

One, I think I must realize that this transition is taking its toll on me - I've been overly tired as my brain refuses to shut off when it is clearly time to sleep (Sad that it doesn't listen to me!), packing up my office was an emotionally HUGE deal (I moved here for this job and I picked the carpet and base wall color for goodness sake!...), not to mention, saying goodbyes over the last couple of weeks has made me miss Boston while I'm still present in my life here. Packing has been a complete challenge - I've been so lost in how to go about doing so and have needed help.

Two, it's been really cloudy here and I think two days of it is just too much! (Good thing I'm moving to the "Sunshine State" - How do I keep forgetting how much I need the sun?)
Side note: Dear Hurricanes, please stay away... Love, Jess

This morning, I woke up and it was S-U-N-N-Y! I immediately felt like I could pack more stuff up sans my AMAZING friend and helper, Britt. She's done more for me than I can say (like telling me what to do and giving me projects to complete - a total reversal in our 'friendship roles' - hilarious!). It also occurred to me that hey, I HATE chaos - I do everything I can to ensure things are in their places and then I know I can rest. Not the case when your house is turned upside down and there are boxes, piles to sort-through, clothing and the like everywhere. And, I am unable to escape it. I just have to work in the midst of and through it.

So I am reminded, once again, of an over-sized pencil that my friend Meg gave me years ago... "Chaotically Calm," it says in bold print. Today, I feel that way and soon enough (less than seven days to be exact), I will be on the road and staring the unknown future in the face. Well, my iced Americano and stack of papers are calling me...

Counting Down...

2009-08-03T15:37:00.001-05:00

18 days...

It is hard to believe, but I'll be moving to Orlando in under three weeks! I've just arrived back in Boston after spending the past month in Colorado and am beginning the 'I'm really moving, better start packing' process. I've made three separate to-do lists, I've yet to unpack my CO luggage, I'm starting to feel sad and I'm excited about the change (but maybe not hurricane season?!). How's that for an update?

I think I'll go make dinner.

The Voice of God at Coors Field, Denver, CO

2009-07-12T17:15:00.001-05:00

I absolutely LOVED the seminary course I took last week entitled: Seeing the Psalms. One of the things our professor, Dr. Mark Futato taught us about the people of the Ancient Near East was the simple reality that when the clouds rolled in, they saw God's chariot; and, when the thunder roared, they heard God's voice. How far we have come with science. Nowadays, the wonder of the theology of the Psalms is missed by our sophisticated understanding of the universe. We don't see nor do we value the greatness of God in even the most basic sense as ancient people did. We've lost so much.

Friday night, I headed to the Rockies game with some friends (wearing my Sox shirt, of course!). A rain delay was called at the top of the seventh and we witnessed an amazing thunder/lightening storm roll in from the east. It was a special storm! I couldn't help but think about the Great King's voice. And, hoping to catch a shot of the lightening, I prayed. :) A few minutes later, I saw a plastic bag being tossed upward from the field by the wind and, thinking it was sort of amusing, took a picture of it... At the same moment, this beauty flew out from the clouds above - I couldn't believe I caught it in the shot! What a way to cap off a inspiring week of study...

Hiatus from Sabbatical Posting? Yes, I Guess So...

2009-06-08T20:37:00.002-05:00

My intentions have been good in my desire to tell, in full, the stories of my adventures in April through early May, yet here I am in June and writing a post about my lack of posting. Go figure. In my defense (I smile as I type that), I've had a crazy few weeks - literally, three open evenings in the past 14 days. It's been fun reconnecting with Boston friends, heading to Fenway for a Sox game (going again next week!! :)), visiting the MFA (Museum of Fine Arts for the non-Bostonians out there), eating the BEST Indian I've had in the city (India Quality in Kenmore - worth a visit), and probably some other stuff mixed in there, too.

It's also been amazing to get myself together and start to work out again and begin the long process of purging stuff in my house that isn't needed. I'm feeling productive and engaged and mostly, at ease. That said, I laughed aloud recently as I reread a post from January where I talked about change, but went on to assure any readers that I was not moving away from Boston.

One thing is certain: God has a sense of humor.

Indeed, I am moving from my beloved Beantown in August. Little did I know this in January, February or even early March... And, as it seems this is the way He (God, the Lord, my Dearest Friend :)) likes to work in my life, I'm off to Orlando to work at our world headquarters... Something I practically vowed, oh yes - here it comes, never to do.

Never say never?

So, at some point in the nearer than further future, I will tell the tales and post the pictures. In the meantime, imagine me shaking my head and laughing at the reality that I'm actually moving to Orlando...

Sabbatical: Week One Continued

2009-05-21T14:50:00.002-05:00

Our adventures in Poros were fairly low-key. I think my sister and I both needed some serious downtime - to be honest, we didn't even talk to each other much. We both read books, enjoyed the walks into town, ate great food (the french fries were to-die-for!!!), met interesting friends and slept a ton.

Early in our stay we found our way to Oasis, one of my favorite spots there - mostly because the locals who worked there chatted it up with us (and as my sister will attest to, I talked with everyone in sight). Michael, a partial owner of the restaurant, was gregarious to say the least. The night we headed there for dessert, he practically forced us to sit with two unknown sailors and the ensuing hours were spent talking about everything from life and love to politics and faith.

Edvin and Michel, brothers from Holland, were engaging. We learned all about their families and their love of sailing - Michel owned the boat that was in port in Poros. They gave us a tour of the boat and we wished them well on their early-morning journey and said our goodbyes. It was 2:30 as we made our way home that night, yet I felt so awake. In large part, I think it's because Michel and I had the chance to talk about God. It was humbling to hear about his life and reasons he doesn't think God exists. We talked about suffering and the way it has shaped his worldview. It made me sad as I understood his losses and why he believes as he does. Our conversation gave me hope as I remembered that God loves him and passionately pursues a relationship with him.

Other highlights included sharing breakfasts at the hotel with Jonna and Leif from Denmark. Both teachers and excellent conversationalists which made a delightful start to the days away. One day we rented a car and experienced the island - it took about a half-hour to see it all. :)

Our little car - I revisited my knowledge of driving a standard and freaked my sister out on some of the narrow roads.

Views of the Aegean. Have I mentioned the beauty of this place?

Another view. Wow, it was breathtaking.

Here I am in front of a Greek olive tree. The olives were amazing...

Sabbatical: Week One

2009-05-20T17:20:00.002-05:00

Greece. I don't remember what drew me to the idea of this place years ago, but now I know why I want to return. Early Saturday morning (4/11), my sister and I headed back to Heathrow via private taxi (less expensive than those cool London taxis that we see in the movies) - we got an Audi instead. :) The driver played a variety of techno 80's music. It was 3:30 AM.
I arrived at Heathrow at 6:35 AM the morning prior.

Our driver drops us off and we discover hiccup #2 of the trip: not enough cash to tip him properly (Oh dear!) - he generously accepts $5 (USD) and tells me he's going to keep it as a souvenir. Sweet, sweet man...

We find Costa just outside of security (this is my sister's favorite coffee spot in London) and order our beverages - truly an amazing latte, I must add. I also have a chocolate muffin unlike anything in my life. Suddenly, the reality that it's 4:30 AM doesn't seem so bad. We finish up and head for security, the gate and well, Vienna. That's where we're stopping on the road to Athens today.

Two hours pass with a lovely breakfast - can you say that about plane food? - and we land in Austria, deplane onto the tarmack (see, I've been there now!), passports stamped by the new Austrian friends and we scooted off to board the flight that will take us to GREECE. I was excited.

Landing in Athens, we experienced no passport control (strange we thought), grabbed our bags, figured out how to get to Port Piraeus via bus (Yes! Public Transport at the bargain price of $3.20 EURO each). Took the bus (stood for most of the hour-long ride), arrived at the Port and searched for the Flying Dolphin Ferry that would take us to Poros Island. Arriving in Poros, we grabbed our bags and looked for a taxi - a Mercedes this time. An aside: The Europeans know how to do things with style! He pulled up to a driveway and pointed up the hill saying, "I think that's your hotel."

There were no signs. There were no stairs. In fact, after manuevering our luggage to the hilltop, we couldn't decide where the Lobby might be. We started knocking on doors. After a few minutes, a woman walked towards us from the alleyway; we thought nothing of this until she handed me her cell phone and made a gesture towards it, then me. I said, "Hello. We are supposed to check-in today. Is this such and such hotel?" Affirmative. The woman on the other end gave some brief instructions - the jist: follow the woman who gave you the phone. So, we did. Evarina was fabulous to us during our time in Poros!

At any rate, we follow her to the itty bitty elevator and then to our room. A while later, Greek phrasebook in hand, we return to the Lobby asking her for thoughts on dinner. And well, then we meet Costas. Yes, Costas. He speaks a little English and quickly herds us toward his truck. He's taking us on a tour of Poros. We drive around - he kept pointing out places to eat and continues to tell us how beautiful we are. We kind-of liked Costas. Eventually, he drops us off at this restaurant at the base of the hill below the hotel and we have our first official meal in Greece. It was delicious.

This is our first of many new friends at the restaurant. Poor stray kitty.

The view from our table. It was beautiful at dusk.

Stray kitties made themselves at home all over the island. Here one catches a cat-nap on the seat of a Yamaha. :)

A view of the harbor on our way into Poros Town. I could spend some serious time here.

Sabbatical, Day One

2009-05-16T11:23:00.001-05:00

As promised, here are some posts detailing my adventures over the past month. In way of background, I'd say that I've been on the road to burnout for the past couple of years. There have been spaces in time that served as reprieves and allowed me to keep plugging forward (especially my summer assignment in Vail in 2007), but as time went on, I knew I needed to get away from ministry life AND that staying home for my sabbatical would not produce results that would ultimately benefit my heart. For the first two weeks, I hopped the Pond, landed in London which acted as home-base and did more traveling from there.

First hiccup of the trip:

While I was filling out my entry form for the UK just before our descent, I realized a huge oversight: I did not have my sister's address! She was picking me up at the airport, so I didn't think much about it. The only thing I knew about where I was going was the Tube line she lived off of - helpful, I'm sure... Making my way through the immigration area, I came to the UK officer and told him of my dilemma. He proceeded to look over my form where I had written "Ministry Operations" as my occupation. He thought that was a bit interesting and asked me a plethora of questions which finally included: "Are you planning to evangelize while you're in the UK?" Well... Not exactly planning on it. He also thought it strange that I was on "Sabbatical."

Thankfully, 20 or so minutes later, he let me go. Relaying the conversation to my sister on the way to her place, she said, "V-A-C-A-T-I-O-N - That's all you needed to tell him!" I tend to be thorough! Needless to say, next time I'll remember her address.

Here's my first shot on the road to rest while jet-lagged and experiencing rainy London for the first time.

Forward Progress

2009-05-13T12:59:00.002-05:00

A while back, my friend Ryan sent me a copy of a post from Seth Godin's blog. I wanted to post it here as a reminder that in this uncertain place, setting goals, risking and failure are part of what it's all about - I don't want to miss out on being remarkable... This is highly encouraging.

The Goals You Never Hear About

Farewell Sabbatical

2009-05-11T23:20:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow (rather, later this morning) I head back to the office after a month away. I need to find my key. It's 12:20 AM and I'm not quite sure if all of the travel has changed my internal 'need-to-sleep' clock, but alas, I am so tired, but still awake. I plan to write more about my weeks away from the regularly schedule program called, My Life, and provide some pictures soon, but I will say this: I have been able to rest. That alone is highly encouraging.

Honestly, it's hard to go back to work because I know I could use another couple of months to move forward and delve into some areas where I need to experience growth. Here's the silver lining: I am better equipped to build this into my downtime now that I've had time to come down from the rest of it. Somehow, I know it'll work itself out.

For now, I think I'll try to submit to the weariness in spite of the thoughts swirling through my mind - mostly engrossed in the last four days of my sabbatical. They were really, really good days. Ironically, after spending time abroad and near the ocean for the majority of the month, these last four treasured days of freedom were spent in... Wisconsin. LOL. More soon...

Be Still My Soul

2009-05-02T22:07:00.006-05:00

Listening to the Atlantic from a lovely balcony as I rest
and seek to be still...

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on your side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
leave to your God to order and provide;
in every change God faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: your best, your heavenly friend
through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: your God will undertake
to guide the future, as in ages past.
Your hope, your confidence let nothing shake;
all now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
the Christ who ruled them while he dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
when we shall be forever with the Lord,
when disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past,
all safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Text: Katharina von Schlegel, 1752; trans. by Jane Borthwick, 1855 (Ps. 46:10)
Music: Jean Sibelius, 1899; arr. from The Hymnal, 1933
Excerpt from www.hymnsite.com

Mars Hill - the Real Deal

2009-04-16T15:19:00.002-05:00

I'm currently sitting on my balcony overlooking Constitution Square and the Parliament building here in Athens. Tonight, my friend Marta (with her roommate, Paige) joined my sister and I for a tour of Athens where they're living and ministering right now. We headed to Mars Hill and the Acropolis at sunset. While a bit distracted from the site by a zealous Greek man named Apollos (who planned THAT I don't quite know), I must say in thinking back over those moments where I stood and Paul sat atop the hill making a compelling case for the person of Christ, I am grateful. It's Easter Week (Holy Week) here in Greece and the celebrations are about to start beginning tomorrow. Unfortunately, my sister and I leave the city quite early, but it's just such a treat that we were here in the first place.

As an aside, I'm currently on sabbatical and had the tremendous opportunity to make my way to Europe using travel points and airline miles. This trip is such a blessing and I can't wait to share more about it soon. I've already had many adventures and I'm sure there will be more to share as I head back to my sister's home of London tomorrow.

For the moment, it's approximately 11:30 PM here in Athens. There is a ton of traffic below and kids on skateboards honing their skills across the way in the square. And, not more than a mile away, Paul the Apostle brought the news of Jesus to the people of Athens. Amazing.

Clarity

2009-03-16T14:05:00.004-05:00

In a box called operations and everything administrative, someone I well know has peeked over the edge at another that might co-exist, wondering about her. This person, the one, that was never held in high esteem -- she who wanted to create and dream and be special in that way -- diminished as the hours counted down and time passed on. Occasionally seen and recognized, she delighted in those moments. In due course reality would return and back into the box she would flee.

It's not that the box was uncomfortable. The box was well-fitted, sturdy, safe, known. Effortlessly lived from and recognized and appreciated. She knew it was a part of her and desired from its fullness not to escape with finality.

Yet, sadness crept in with the realization that living within and from the box had become all that was seen of her. The grief of fragmentation prevailed, the pendulum began to swing. And, in this place she acknowledged that change lay waiting. Perhaps God was asking her to have courage to leap beyond the boundaries of her box and be known.

iLike

2009-03-12T18:57:00.003-05:00

I recently posted my disappointment about the way we choose to handle one another in American politics and today, I came across this article that made me smile. Here are some real life people making hard choices for the benefit of others - a Gospel-centric message, I'd say. And, in a rather surprising twist? The story comes from my very own city. Thanks to these Bostonians for being concerned about the needs of others... An inspiring story indeed.

A head with a heart

Forward We Spring!

2009-03-07T21:53:00.004-05:00

While I'm not super enthused about losing the hour of sleep tonight, I am excited that more daylight is on the way! Winter lasts so long here and every year I welcome any glimpse of spring. Not to mention, by the way, the 58 degree weather we had here in Boston today... Dreamy! (We'll forget for a moment, the Nor'easter that hit last week and the hour I spent digging my car out... But, I digress.) It's supposed to be in the mid-50's again tomorrow. Smile.

Wow, so let's go there...?

2009-03-04T10:19:00.002-05:00

I came across the article below this morning which caused me to consider American politics again. I've been trying to take a break since Obama was elected following the longest-contended election in US History. Instead of facing up to the truth (both sides), the process of seeking new scapegoats continues... Let's keep hammering one another. I'm quite fed up with it and I hope my fellow Americans will be too. This is beyond ridiculous.

Gold Rush: Dems launch Operation Rushbo

The Value Meal... By Starbucks

2009-03-03T15:40:00.003-05:00

In introductory economics we learned that when luxury goods began to struggle, that's when the economy experienced a true down-turn. Not that Starbucks is considered a 'luxury' good by all in our world today, though I'd imagine that this is one area of household budgets being slashed in the past months (I know it has in mine). It's certainly not a necessity and as we've seen with the downward spiral of the stock market, Starbucks has been affected and has closed stores nationwide. Part of this is due to over-saturation of the market (personal opinion), thus the introduction of many more products (food and the like). I read an article months back that observed a key missing ingredient when walking into a Starbucks store: the smell of... Coffee. That tells you something. :)

At any rate, the recession we've found ourselves in also provides us with some positives (inclusive of making smarter choices with our resources) and of them, the Starbucks Value Meal. Might be worth checking out. It's actually in the range of what I spend at Cosi on the first floor of our building. At last, Starbucks offers a value.

A Perspective I Appreciate

2009-02-26T08:58:00.003-05:00

SADAR/CAMMARATA: In global warming we trust

Highly Helpful Credit Advice for Today's Economy

2009-02-12T16:33:00.001-05:00

If you think your credit score is safe in this economy due to your debt to credit ratio (latter is higher than the former for a good score), beware:

Credit-Card Issuers: Buy Something or Else!

Tugboat

2009-02-11T16:01:00.002-05:00

Crossing over the Charles on the Red Line yesterday (Mind you, a very empty Red Line Train!), I found myself staring at a tugboat (at least that's what I'm calling it since I'm not overly familiar with boats). It doesn't sound so surprising, I suppose. A boat on a river... Cool. BUT, the arctic-like temperatures we've experienced this year have left the Charles as frozen as the Frog Pond. Happily, the weather has warmed in the past few days (we're talking 40 degrees and feeling like summer!) and I guess the ice is melting away.

Here I was, sitting on the T, watching the tugboat shredding its way through the ice. There was no other movement on the river, just this serene little boat sneaking up behind the Museum of Science. I was thinking about the effort required to form its path along the way. It left a narrowly gaping space of water behind between shores of frost-covered ice. You could see the path it left quite a ways in the direction of the Mass Ave Bridge. It was really quite beautiful.

It made me think a little about my life. I feel a bit like that tugboat right now. Moving slowly ahead in a direction -- maybe uncertain of what awaits on the other side of the city -- leaving a visible impact behind. Hopefully, one that's positive. I'm still mulling over that tugboat and wondering what's ahead.

Lists

2009-02-01T15:53:00.003-05:00

Previously in my life I made lists. Grocery lists, to-do lists, 'thinking about' lists, what songs to buy on iTunes lists (I'm actually good about this one :)) -- you get the idea. Lately, I've become less productive during my down-time, which if you're an Activator/Achiever like me (see StrengthsFinders if you'd like to read all about it), simply put, bugs. Even when I'm at 'rest' I need to accomplish... So here's my latest thought: I need to return to my old ways and begin my list-making anew. I'm thinking it will involve lot's and lot's of post-it notes. (I love them!)

Hopefully I'll actually make progress on the ideas that have been lingering in my brain and heart until now - those which require action if ever to have the chance to succeed. We'll see how I do... I think I'll make a list now... :)

Prager's Thoughts on the Inaugural Address

2009-01-21T11:01:00.001-05:00

Obama's Inaugural Address

Thank you, President Bush

2009-01-20T09:44:00.002-05:00

Today is an historic day in the USA. A new president takes the oath of office and the American people and the world recognize how far we have come in embracing diversity and healing as a nation. I am thankful for the reality that this is true of our nation (though there will always be issues to address regarding race, I think) and can appreciate the magnitude of this event. It is a testament to the greatness of our nation as transfer of power occurs so peacefully and with such respect.

I didn't wake up this morning thinking as much about the inauguration as I did about the man leaving office. President Bush heads home to Texas today to begin his next adventure. It saddened me as I turned on the television this morning, and in reading through the headlines swooshing past on the bottom of the screen saw the media making mention of Bush's low approval ratings as he leaves office. What would have been fair? To remind the American people that our Congress has an even lower rating still, but I digress. Bush for all of his strengths and his flaws still deserves our respect and gratitude for the service he has done for our nation.

While there are people that might disagree with me on this point, I want to express my appreciation, my gratitude for President Bush who led us through an amazing eight years of life and history. His firm stance on terrorism and ensuing protection of our nation, the rights of the unborn, his choices for Supreme Court justices, assistance for those living with AIDS in Africa are some of the highlights for me from his presidency. He showed great strength when the shocking and grievous events happened on 9-11 and resolve as he shared with the American people so honestly that this war would be long-lasting and needed to be pursued.

I was recently reflecting on his first term when, because of litigation over the presidency, he had to put his appointments on hold for his administration. How amazing it is that he handled 9-11 as he did in light of the late start he experienced in getting his administration set-up. And, how easily we forget some of these things. I appreciated his Farewell Address to the nation last week, as well. He was honest, humble, hopeful and so very gracious.

The 'world' may cheer as he leaves office today, but I am sad. I pray he has a smooth transition away from Washington and a restful few weeks or months of reflection. I hope we look back in the years to come and shower him with the respect and gratitude he deserves. And, I trust that he will continue to influence and impact the lives of people wherever these next steps may take him.

Thank you so much, President Bush! May God bless you in the days ahead.

Carolina on My Mind

2009-01-16T17:37:00.002-05:00

My friend Megan and I hit the road spontaneously last night to begin our trek to North Carolina. (Our friends Josh and Erin are getting married tomorrow!) I arrived at her place in New Haven in the mid-afternoon, grabbed Thai for lunch and as soon as we walked into her apartment realized, 'Wait, we're going to drive all day tomorrow and all day Sunday'? - our plan, or really lack thereof, was lame. Within forty minutes we'd called her relatives in D.C. making arrangements to stay with them, she packed and we were bustling out of Connecticut trying to miss as much of the ensuing NYC rush hour traffic as humanly possible.

An additional snag? She had to complete her final grad school application essays and submit them online by midnight. Needless to say, I quickly refreshed on driving a standard, she edited and typed and I drove the majority of the trip once we made a pit stop in Jersey (Praise God they pump your gas for you! It was balistically cold last night!). Later, we took a quick dinner break (essays almost done) and were able to catch President Bush as he gave his farewell address to the nation. Good timing!

Back on the road, we searched for signs of Wi-Fi (musing about the world we live in when this word is a part of our vocabulary and something we'd look for on a road trip down south). Sadly, it was after 9 PM and not a Panera to be found! Thankfully, her relatives (who are a bit older) were set up far beyond expectation and she was able to email them away after some of the most delicious apple pie I've had, courtesy of her great aunt, around 11 PM.

We made it to North Carolina today after an awesome morning with her amazingly hospitable relatives (thanks Dave and Jackie!!), Chick-Fil-A in Virginia with a really weird hand dryer in the restrooms (ask me about it - so creepy) and no major mishaps on the highways and bi-ways between D.C. and here. I'm still on the search for peanut butter M & M's (you wouldn't believe how hard they are to find!), but excited to have a reunion of sorts with friends of old and hanging out with such a fun friend.

...In my mind I've gone to Carolina... ! JT

Hackers R Us

2009-01-13T13:53:00.002-05:00

My friend and colleague, Geoff is experiencing this loveliness...

Heinous Facebook Identity Theft

Life at Rest?

2009-01-11T13:52:00.002-05:00

2009 finds me embarking on a new adventure. No, I'm not planning to move and yes, I am unsure about what I'll be doing a few months from now as I transition away from my current role (in process); but, I am on a new mission I like to call: Jessica Learns How to Rest. And, January 7th marked the beginning of my endeavor. Our winter conference behind me, I suddenly found myself staring the days and weeks ahead in the face and wondering, "Will I actually be able to do this?"

Unaccustomed to a slower pace and actively choosing to have less on my plate, I feel a bit nervous about the future. However, more than ever before in my life, I actually understand that I NEED this. The decision isn't solely a charming flash of pragmatism on my part, but perhaps more significantly appreciated as my opportunity to spread my wings and discover what is true about who I am without all of the clutter. Less is more, if you will.

I'm hopeful that this time will find me living in the "Room of Grace" not in the "Room of Good Expectations" as the authors of a tremendous book called, TrueFaced so eloquently put it. I've lived in the latter for most of my life and honestly, I need to rest from all of my 'good' work. I need the Gospel to penetrate every crevice of my life and heart. I need to experience transformation. And, I need to rest.

We'll see how it goes! I'm sure it will be challenging and surprising.

Implications

2008-11-14T15:21:00.003-05:00

An interesting article by Oliver North on what could be for the world financial system of the future.

The New World Financial Order

Imagine the extended control governments will have not only over business and commerce, but individual constituents in the future. This is no small thing to consider - the global and very personal implications are huge. I think this past election has re-energized my belief that the constituency needs to be intimately acquainted with decisions government makes on their behalf. What this means for me is that I need to be more involved and ensuring that I use the freedom of my voice to challenge and encourage leaders of our great nation.

Parking People

2008-11-10T08:52:00.003-05:00

When walking around the city or near my house I often think of the parking people. Rarely will they make eye contact with others and I'm guessing it's because they're the "enforcers" and aren't the most popular kids on the playground. This morning, I grabbed my favorite tea from the BCC (lemon poppy seed muffin top, too!) and rounded a corner, office bound. There, I encountered a parking person and made my best effort to 'stare' her down (in a nice way!) simply for the purpose of smiling at her and saying, "Good morning." She seemed surprised! :)

Here's to more happy encounters with PP! Hopefully she has a good day.

More Thoughts from Dennis Prager

2008-11-02T15:31:00.001-05:00

I continue to appreciate his writing and all it causes me to consider:

Why the Left Wants to Change America

Thought-Provoking

2008-10-18T23:02:00.001-05:00

I had to sit back and think after reading this one and I'm glad I did...

There Are Two Irreconcilable Americas

Avoiding Antibacterial Soap

2008-10-18T10:40:00.002-05:00

This has been one of my "soap boxes" for the last couple of years. I have avoided using antibacterial products as much as possible and here's another article explaining 'why.'

Click Here

Wanted: Life Mission Statement

2008-10-10T21:09:00.003-05:00

Tonight, while perusing friends blogs and websites, I came across this statement a friend makes about her current hobbies in life:

"...excavating human hearts from the rubble of a materialistic culture..."

And, I stopped. What a statement. What a purpose.

As I'm tossing about in my new decade of life and musing about the things ahead, I'm inspired by her statement. It moves me.

Lately, I'm giving in to the creative side of my life and I'm beginning to like it. I'm beginning to discover more of what is true of me. I'm edging around a dark room with only my fingers to guide me. Small, slow steps, overwhelmingly aware of every noise - it's deafening, the sound of my breathing and my heart so evident. It feels scary, but I know it's safe.

Soon, I hope to arrive at such a well-stated version of what I am doing on this planet... In the mean time...

With Gratitude...

2008-09-11T18:47:00.007-05:00

In memory of those who perished and their loved ones today, on the seventh anniversary of 9/11. With tremendous gratitude to our troops who are a living example of love and bravery - the men and women protecting our nation and fighting for our freedom so that others might be free.

More Paint

2008-09-11T18:05:00.003-05:00

In late August, I grieved the loss of a great roommate - she's totally fine, just had a fun opportunity to move in with a good friend IN (!) the city - and the loss of a paint color I loved. The room she lived in has housed quite the variety of women since I moved into my place four years ago. Roommates have come and gone like the weather changes in New England. And, each was a sad goodbye in its own way.

Saying farewell to my latest roommate also meant saying adieu to my favorite wall color in the house. I couldn't help capturing the change as I reflected on the people that have lived in the room - I was a little sentimental about the color because of the friend and former roommate that chose it a couple years back. Here's a pic of the progress I made in painting over the gorgeous blue for my new roommate who desired green instead. I call it, "Transitions."

It Has Begun...

2008-08-19T10:06:00.004-05:00

The people that know me understand that the past four years have been marked with suffering and brokenness. Not, perhaps, in the way I would classify them as such - suffering and brokenness belong to those far, far away that have very different problems and issues than those I face. In this process, I think I have longed for God to be near to me. He has seemed very far away.

It really isn't so dramatic, I have experienced him in this place because he's never left me, but my soul has felt dry. At times, I have been so cynical - a perspective that I was unfamiliar with in my life until recently. My heart has doubted and wondered about God's goodness. I've wondered how to trust him not knowing at times what that looks like, how it plays out, what he thinks of my thoughts about him. My desire really has been for him, but I've tried to find satisfaction apart from him in a number of different ways.

I feel compelled to write today because I sense the dam breaking again. My heart is moving toward tenderness and my ability to love and show compassion is beginning to grow. I'm certain that I've said similar words before - part of the process, I suppose - but, I'm seeing it fresh eyes today.

What exactly am I seeing?

Simply: God desires a relationship with me.

My first leg of my homeward flight to Boston last week came with some interesting seat mates. Jeri and Wayne were both making their way up the coast as well following business meetings in Orlando. I've never laughed so hard with strangers! She was like a seated comedian - people should pay money for her quips about the airline industry! Wayne told us that he never spoke to people on planes, yet throughout the flight, found himself conversing with us about this and that (maybe he was forced into it... He WAS in the middle seat!). I found that interesting. As we talked about work - mostly systems related chatting, he even offered me a job - He works for Microsoft.

After a while, I did turn to the book my Dad bought me before I left Colorado the week prior. "The Shack" proved, even in its earliest pages, to grip my heart. I was laughing and crying as I read (couldn't help it!) as our flight progressed. I was reminded of God's love for people and his longing for relationship. I wondered if Jeri and Wayne knew him. We said little about God on the flight. Just a few moments when I told Wayne what I do for a living and he brought up the "Christian" thing later in the flight. It was refreshing to talk openly, not about religion, but about this Jesus who wants a relationship - and how the novel was speaking to that.

The week before, in Colorado, I connected with ministry partners, family, friends and closed the project in Vail. A sweet woman from my home church gave me a devotional book called "Streams in the Desert" after learning of the dryness I've experienced in my walk with God. That book, coupled with "The Shack," has been like water to my soul. It has been speaking the truth of God's word into my life in a significant way and I find that the soil of my heart has softened during the past two weeks.

This morning, I got out of the house and headed to Starbucks to read. Sitting in an overstuffed deep purple chair, I took little notice of the elderly gentlemen sitting next to me in its twin. He did, however, take notice of me for a few minutes later, he leaned over and asked me, with a mouth full of missing teeth, what I was reading. I told him it was a book about a man who experienced tragedy in his life and the ensuing conversation he had with God about it. He couldn't quite hear me, so he asked me to speak up. Admittedly, I felt a bit self-conscious, but repeated, more loudly, my original description.

He went on to tell me how he thought I should avoid this sort of a read. "Tragedy is everywhere - you don't need to add more to your life," he stated. He then pointed out this raggedy young man sitting outside at a small table. This young man (who, in fact, I avoided eye contact with on my way in), had a tragic story. His parents had abandoned him when he was younger and he lived on the streets - "a vagrant," according to my new friend. Apparently, he had purchased a coffee and donut for him and sat to hear a bit of his story. Inside, I felt ashamed that I showed no mercy in my thoughts about this young guy.

He continued to share that I should only add good things to my life - happy things to carry with me. With that, we stopped chatting; I returned to my book, he to his watchful gaze of the people coming in and out of the store. Being a little more in tune with him now, even as I continued reading, I noticed that he knew many of the regulars. He asked questions about their lives, showed interest in a father waiting in line with his baby boy, greeted friends and made conversation. Here and there I'd glance outside and focus on that young guy at the small table. I spent time praying for him as I read - the perspective of my heart had changed.

A while later, I stood to leave. I greeted a man that joined my new friend and he responded, "How are we supposed to get to know you when your nose is in your book?" I chuckled, apologized and introduced myself. He is Bill. I then officially met my new friend, Jim. They both waved and said goodbye. I smiled as I left and thought that I must remember that... How are we supposed to get to know you when your nose is in your book?... Such a sweet, genuine community that engages and invites others into it. I love it.

What does all of this have to do with anything?...

Life is about relationships. So often I make it about something else - my work, proving myself, my competence, my pride, what I have to offer... Me, me, me.

I think this is why Jesus said to love the Lord God with all your heart, soul, strength and mind; love your neighbor as yourself. It's about so much more than me.

This isn't new, but my awareness of what is of true value is growing. And, within that, God is at work making hefty changes to life as I know it. Much of this really has to do with freedom. He wants to free me from my coping mechanisms - the ways I operate and "get through" life, my independence, my sin. He wants me to thrive and be free. He wants me to experience true relationship.

Somehow, I still don't get this. Honestly, that reality is super annoying. Yet, here I am in process and enthusiastically awaiting the things to come. Gratitude exists in my heart today because he has softened it and is at work in the midst of this mess I like to call, "My life." :)