Nothing Do I Withhold

Piece by piece things are walking out of my home in the hands of people I know. Letting go. It's strange to consider these belongings are no longer mine. But, it's good. A friend said yesterday, "I cannot imagine the Lord asking you to let go of most of your things..." I smiled at her. She loves me and doesn't want me to lose anything as I walk into this new season of surrender.

The truth is, I'm not losing one thing.

For months He has been whispering it to me. Maybe longer. When it became obvious to me ten days ago, I jumped! He is inviting me to remember again how He is my Home. He's inviting me to relinquish good things so He can give better. This time around, it almost feels like I don't need faith to do it. Though, I do.

Another dear friend told me to listen to a specific and recent talk by Bill Johnson the other day. In it, he shares, "Faith is exploring the land." (My paraphrase.) I'm requiring myself to experience the truth of what I believe right now. In response to the Lord's invitation to see what He's given me, I'm extending my own:

Show me WHO You are!
Show me how GOOD You are!
Show me how FAITHFUL You are!
Take me deeper. Take me deeper still!!

I cry as I reflect on the joy of this journey! What joy to trust Him so much! What a gift from Him! He's walked me through it all. And now, I arrive at these places where He asks for more and it's easier to open these hands. It's easier to let go... Because... I KNOW Him. I know Him. And, like any significant relationship, there's more to know.

He is God. It'll take me an eternity. I'm thankful I have it. He gave me that, too.

So I sit here on the rug, leaning against the couch that's been with me for 12 years. This couch that I've loved and shuttled around the country is going, too. This sofa where so many have sat, rested, shared stories, cried, laughed... This piece of furniture that has become an institution in my view of home. And, it's beautiful. I want it to go. It's time for it to go.

I have the privilege of walking forward without the burden of so many things so I can step into the good awaiting me. I GET to make space for an unknown future of good gifts on this path He has me on. I GET to. He never asks us to let go of things without purpose. He always has our best at heart. Our obedient responses bring Him glory and honor. Win. Win. Win. Win. Win.

And still, something inside me says, "There's more..." I know it's not the end of the letting go. I wrestle with a couple of thoughts popping into my mind. I pray I choose to give it. All. I pray there's nothing I hold onto... I pray for first things to be first. Everything else, second.

He is first.

Don't Mind the Run-on Sentences? :)

Sometimes one of your best friends (who you don't get to talk with often on the phone) calls and leaves you a voice mail telling you the normal things, acknowledging how they made her think of you... You laugh aloud and shake your head "Yes!" Then she tells you she's just thinking of you and thought maybe you'd be home washing your hair on a Friday night (ha!), but you're not... Maybe you're on a hot date, but maybe just a date?... You laugh aloud and say, "Don't I wish..." Then she just tells you how she wanted to let you hear her voice and how she's thinking of you...

It's enough to make you cry and smile and cry the whole way home on the freeway from the thing you were at as you sit with the truth of how dear she is to you and what a blessing it is that across miles and months that have passed, she's still here. In your life. She still knows you. She still cares.

And, it's too late to call her back, so you blog about it instead and plan to call her this weekend.

Simple joys. Simple gifts. Thankful and blessed. Blessed and thankful.

Puzzling Reflections

I Corinthians 13
 

If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. ³ If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it;^[a] but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.

⁴ Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud ⁵ or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. ⁶ It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. ⁷ Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

⁸ Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages^[b] and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! ⁹ Now our knowledge is partial and incomplete, and even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture! ¹⁰ But when the time of perfection comes, these partial things will become useless.

¹¹ When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. ¹² Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity.^[c] All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.

¹³ Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.

Today I see incompletely. Today I wrestle with this partial view of God, myself and others. Today, I have a choice... I can choose to love. Only God knows how this all turns out. Only He can inform it. I lay my hands open to receive. In the process, I relinquish the things holding me back from receiving His BEST for me. I look at idols in my life for what they are--a path to control, a path to being "like God." He replaces those things with faith, trust, hope and WORSHIP. He shows me HOW GOOD He really is. He reveals His heart for me and invites me into deeper relationship and discovery of the abundant life He has for me. 

Today I see incompletely, but with hope... One day these partial things won't matter. I will see in full clarity all He is, all I am and the beauty of how those things have worked together for His glory and my good. Today, I forgive. Today, I posture my heart in surrender, humility and obedience to His way, His timing. Today, I walk in freedom. Today I walk in love.

Shifting

My head feels a little foggy this morning as I'm waking up into the day. What a week it has been. Today marks the start of a process to sort through belongings, make decisions about what stays and what goes, so I can be lighter on the journey ahead. I'm excited as I consider the prospect of it. Home is important to me, but Jesus is my home. So much of me wants to belong here, but it is not happening in the way I hoped. I belong to Him.

Last night, I hosted a celebration for a season of small groups just coming to a close. We heard stories of hardship, growth and God's movement. Afterwards, I sat with one of the couples--we needed to watch something on YouTube (very important stuff). I've always enjoyed them, though I don't know them very well yet. I noticed something... I'm myself with them. I'm me! The quirky, ridiculously chatty, dreamer, vision-caster came out. I laughed so hard and shared my heart so freely. I thought I was going to burst! What a gift. We talked about the Kingdom and all of the things God is up to. We talked about the pictures He has given us, the way He's let us "in", giving us eyes to see what He is doing. We talked about the things we still don't know. It was awesome.

As they left, I felt the Lord speaking over me... "See... you do belong here... I'm putting you with the people you need to run with..." And, it was the third time this week He said it to me. He's shifting my idea of team (I'm finally listening). He's shifting my idea of home (again). He's shifting and expanding my idea of church (even more).

I'm thankful.

Shattered Dreams...

Thanks to Larry Crabb, I have vocabulary for it now. This season. These pieces of pain. Two freshly shattered dreams this month. The carpet won't change. I can offer who I am and cultivate the rest of the room, but the carpet stays. It feels like death. It is a death. Another one.

I think it could still be good. He promises good, so "think" likely falls short as a description. I wonder about the things He's pressed into my heart though. I wonder why. Perhaps they are for another place at another time. Perhaps this season is simply meant to be a time of preparation for the call into the enormous dream He's placed inside of me. Either way, I want to learn well. I want to lean in. I don't want to die clutching these smaller, shattered dreams.

So I release them. I feel the anger. I feel deeply misunderstood. I feel loss. I feel grief. I release it all.

After all, I serve at the pleasure of the King of Kings. I serve at the pleasure of the One called Faithful and True. I serve at the pleasure of the Lord of Lords. I praise You, Jesus. Lead on.

All Will be Mended

There's hope
because in the end
all will be sorted

We'll slough off this shell
only to expose
a glory which will not fade

A new body
but it's only a start
our lenses fully adjusted to truth
our brokenness completely restored
our relationships whole

We won't hurt each other any more

We won't use each other any more

We'll delight in giving ourselves
unashamed
unfettered

Honest with ourselves

Honest with one another

We'll know ourselves
there won't be enormous, red-flagging gaps
we won't need distance
all will be mended

The time of reflection will be past
for the mirror dimly expired
bringing us into life, light
We'll radiate glory perfectly

It is now
and also not yet

I can't wait to look
at you
and you
and you
and you
(the list goes on)
without this current prescription
which aides in my understanding
but leaves it incomplete

I think we'll smile
I think we'll laugh
I think we'll delight in it all
We'll talk about what was
without the heartache of the memories
with hope because pain held a purpose
and we've reached the other side fully now

No more caves
no more hiding
no more sitting in it
no more chaos

Perfect dependence
Unending intimacy

Life, at last, is exactly what it's meant to be.

Redemption is in the Air

Sometimes all we need in order to make better, healthier decisions for our lives is to listen to the people who love us. Those who tell us the truth even when it means they risk hurting us further. Those who remind us how they're in our corner. Those who want to be in our story with us.

Closing a heavy door this week, I've turned around to see a room FULL of people who love me. They're cheering me on. They want more for me than I've been able to hope for myself. Did I mention... They LOVE me. I've felt a little overcome by this reality. It's sinking in more deeply by the minute.

I feel so incredibly blessed, so unbelievably grateful. I feel them smiling at me, inviting me to take risks, telling me they'll be with me along the road--especially when it's hard. And, instead of simply pointing me in the right direction and telling me, "Good Luck!" they've stepped in with offers to help protect me as I step onto this path.

What love! What friendship! They SEE me.

In the process, I'm beginning to see what they see more clearly. Their belief that there is more for me, how there are better things for me is inspiring me to believe it for myself. And, it feels like freedom. Like I've allowed some chains to be unlocked, removed. It feels like healing.

Redemption is in the air.

Crossroads

Standing at a fork
competence or tenderness
strategies or relationships
directives or empathy

One moment I'm towering
seeing the gaps
suddenly overcome
I shrink into the white pleather chair
eating my yogurt

It's too much for today
I feel embarrassed and silly
yet I sit with it, feel it, ask for understanding

And no reprieve comes for this undercurrent of sadness
night after night padding from bedroom to couch
seeking rest in whatever package it's delivered in
sleepless, grieving, interceding
weak under its weight

Musings after midnight
my thoughts swirl back to my own story
do they care that I'm here?
would it matter if I left?
I know what I can do
I know what I can bring them
but my voice feels so small
crowded out by pigeon holes

Notice me
See me
Pursue me
my heart beats wildly, then fails

Missed again
my arms drop to my side
head hangs, shoulders droop
Missed again
  
Decide
which path will it be
Choose
one or the other?

Strong or compassionate
capable or teary
CEO or artist
leader or woman

CHOOSE

Straight ahead another road appears
between the fork it rises
light beckons me forward
a proposal...

Offer ALL of her...
even if they don't see you
Invite them...
even if they keep their distance
Persevere...
especially when you want to run away
Be HER.

**photo by my dear friend, the lovely Shannon of Vine & Light Photography

Pockets of Turbulent Air

There have been so many days in the past month or two when I've wanted to quit. Today was the latest example of "one of those days." It started brightly--joy and hope were close companions this morning. Within a few hours, I was thinking again about how it would feel to throw in the towel, leave the country, start a new life. Part of it sounds lovely. Problem is, I reminded myself once again that the things rising up in this current process would certainly follow me wherever I landed.

Now, that's a helpful reality check when I imagine leaving it all behind because well, I wouldn't. Leave it all behind, that is.

My emotional margin is at an all time low. I find myself trying to fight against where I'm at because it feels terrible. I wish the tears weren't just below the surface. I wish the chaos felt manageable. I wish I knew how to "fix" the way I'm feeling and the things I'm seeing so I can just keep moving.

The funny thing is, I'm realizing how thankful I am that I can't keep moving. I'm thankful when I see the truth that this is hard. I'm thankful for how silly I feel when the tears hit the surface and I cannot hide how I'm affected. All of these things are gifts. Gifts!

I remember how this competent woman does not lose her competency in the face of feelings. I remember how this stuff I'm a part of is so much bigger than me. I remember how good it is to depend on Jesus. I take these moments to sit with Him and tell Him all about it.  I remember how He's the One who gives me what I need to do what He's asked me to do. (Even when I feel like that's absolutely nothing... He always gives me something to give when it's needed.)

His mercies are new every day. Every single day. Grace abounds. Every single day. Love invites and awaits me. Every single day.

I'm alone a lot these days. I feel it acutely. I'm pouring out a lot. I only have a couple ongoing safe spaces where I can unabashedly lay it all out and there isn't much time in those spaces. There are some dear people who want to journey with me. I'm trying to remember to invite them in as regularly as possible. Distance makes it hard, but boy am I grateful they'd want to journey with me in the first place.

When I consider those realities, I take a deeper breath. This is not easy. But, I believe with all of my heart, it is fruitful. The fruit comes in the being--He's changing me as I sit with Him in these places. He's bringing clarity and hope on days when I long for it, but have no clue where it will come from. He's bringing intimacy and kindness; care and compassion. He's helping me to persevere.

And today, I saw a safe friend and asked him if he would hug me and he did. He just held me for a short time and cared for me where I was at without knowing a thing about any of it. Later, three people checked in on me. They wanted to know how I was doing. They noticed me then took the additional step to let me know that they saw me. I cried. More. All of those things meant the world to me today.

When one friend called to see what happened I simply stated, "I just hit some unexpected turbulence today." Isn't that the truth? It caught me off guard--again. I think these are the moments where grace abounds though. I'm not sure what will trigger the tenderness, but I hope to move through it with dignity and resist the urge to run from relationship (with the Lord and others) when I fly over a fresh patch.

Bring the Dead to Life

I don't know how not to believe, how not to hope that God is bigger. I don't know how to resign myself to outcomes spoken by humans whose wisdom, insight and ability are incomplete in the presence of a powerful, loving, relentlessly pursuing God. He is the One who spoke the Heavens and the Earth into existence. He is the One who breathed life into dust, bringing us life as He formed us in His image.

I don't know how not to believe Him as I watch and learn of things that are beyond my understanding and control. I don't want to resign myself to what people say is true or will be true. He is bigger. Shall we forget to knock, ask, wait, trust, believe? Shall we believe them instead of asking Him to give us a greater understanding of His willingness, His ability? Opening our hands in receptivity for different outcomes?

Do we look at the impossible and say, "Indeed, it's impossible." Or do we look at the impossible and say, "My God is the God OF the impossible"?

The outcomes are still in His hands. I simply don't want to stay His hand of provision because I didn't think to ask, press in, call forth dreams and realities that He has offered us this side of the Cross. And, to think, before the Cross He still accomplished the impossible. How much more now are we able to step into and believe Him for as His Spirit dwells INSIDE of those of us who are IN Christ?

Today, I choose belief. I choose faith. I choose to ask. I choose to knock. And knock. And knock. The persistent widow doesn't have anything on me in this process for those I love.

God, increase my faith. Help me to see what You are capable of and willing to do and accomplish. I choose to stand in the gap and see how You move mountains in the wake of the faith Your Spirit instills in me. I step in, I believe, I see You, Lord Jesus. I see You. Bring the dead to life.

Rejecting Rejection

My Daddy said He's proud
like I got all A's on my report-card proud
even when I see the B, or worse
the F or incomplete.

He says I've stayed tender
I've remained soft
Grace upon grace
Mercy upon mercy.

I think it's why the tears came
So much pain
Thousands of invitations extended
And, rejected.

The mirror reflected Rejection back to me
She took on my face
so closely associated, she and I,
I lost track of which one of us it was staring back from the wall
I couldn't tell the difference.

But I've kept going
Offering who I am to people
Longing for depth, desiring intimacy
My loyal, hopeful, persevering nature has felt like a curse.

He takes delight in it
Like He's been cheering me on to keep inviting
The thought amazes me
How could He?
He knew what it would bring.

He's seen it differently than I have.

He sees my strength
I see my weakness
He sees my trust
I see my naivety 
He sees me becoming who He made me to be
I wonder what's wrong with me.

And He's inviting me now
to see this story through His lenses
He's asking me to look in the mirror again
Seeing His reflection in mine
Separating me and the lie in finality
so I now witness the brightness and beauty of the truth
Rejecting Rejection because...
He was rejected on my behalf so I could be free.

***************************************

"He was despised and rejected—
    a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief.
We turned our backs on him and looked the other way.
    He was despised, and we did not care."
Isaiah 53:3 

The Road Called Repentance

The past couple of weeks have dealt some crushing blows. Why have circumstances resulted in my feeling rejected again? I've been leaning into with Jesus with this question. But, I feel it deeply. It feels like a strong, significant blow. I've felt blindsided, angry, confused, hurt. Processing with someone today, we talked about my tendency to head for the hills when a shadow of possible rejection looms. If just a hint of it hits the air, I smell it. I see it coming. I know what's about to happen. I'm packing my bags. I've learned it well.

And the tears fall.

"I've learned it well."

Sometimes it feels like I know rejection better than I know Love. I've learned to self-protect while Love knocks at the door. But, how can I trust Love in the face of realities that have spoken the opposite into and over me time and time again? Love is on a hazardous road when it comes to winning me, it seems.

I've been reading the Book of Ruth lately. One verse has stood out to me each time I've encountered it. Naomi is speaking to Ruth who has just put herself "out there" with Boaz. Full of character, he doesn't take advantage of Ruth, but invites her to wait for him to do what is necessary to ensure a virtuous and redemptive outcome. I think it would have been really hard to be in Ruth's shoes... Is he trustworthy? Does he mean it? Does he really love me?

The stakes are high for Naomi in all of this, as well. Her future is on the line. Yet, hope seems to have found a way into her soul once again. She understands something more about the situation and wisely instructs Ruth, "Just be patient, my daughter, until we hear what happens. The man won't rest until he has settled things today." (3:18)

My process of healing in this area of my life has been long. I wonder what it will look like to step out from it and I pray for that day--I battle through the hardship, trusting the Lord for that future. And, I experience pieces of it today. I do so because I know Him... I understand something fresh about His heart for me... He won't rest until things are settled in the proper way, in the proper time. I'm grateful and I hurt.

I felt certain I would have left the country last Thursday. Too bad my passport is still expired. I thought about that today as I talked about running away and how intense the desire is when I see the writing of rejection on the wall. I cried again as I considered how I've learned that I'm something easily rejected, easily abandoned, easily released. I cried more when I realized I've bought into that lie over and over and over and over again. I've allowed myself to be dehumanized. I've allowed myself to be labeled: Rejected.

And as I felt a new level of sadness for the girl who didn't realize she bought into a lie along the way, the Lord reminded me that I was hungry and I called a favorite Thai spot (the best food in the world?). I cried on my way to pick up my take out and cried on my way to pick up my mail at the Post Office. And, well, I've been eating green curry while crying on and off since.

The road is long, but He is at the end of it, He's walking next to me on it, and He's in step behind me helping me to press on. My responsibility is to walk with Him in the truth. I think the road is called Repentance.

The Contemplative Life

Sadly, the contemplative life is not for everyone. Not because it isn't offered, but the invitation is ignored, or perhaps worse, missed.

Disembarking from the Disney Monorail last night, I remember feeling a bit sad. I love taking the boat back to the resort area at the end of the night, but with no vessel in sight, we opted for the train. The automatic doors opened as we neared them, wafting lovely music in our direction. Crossing the threshold, I couldn't help but slow my pace and then I began to stroll toward the edge of the balcony. Smiling, I leaned forward taking in the couches and people below, the chandeliers above and the band directly ahead. My attitude shifted and I suddenly felt as though I'd been ushered into a party--a party just for me. (No offense to my friends... Maybe the party was for them, too...) I felt delighted!

One friend suggested we drink in the loveliness from the floor below. I gladly followed her lead and found myself sitting (more like lounging) on a sofa marveling at the sounds and sights in the room all around me. I was transported to a delicious place--I felt seen by the Lord. He knew I would love this! And here I was, leisurely receiving His good gift to me.

I thought about it again today as I was reading in a beautiful garden. How often do we run ahead with life, forgetting to capture the treasured moments by staying present in them? How often do we miss the extended invitation for beauty, dependence and intimacy? One thing I'm seeing so clearly in my life right now is the way in which all of my disappointments have added up to a growing awareness of my desire. It is so painful. The longings at times, unquenchable. I'd rather ignore them than sit in them. It hurts too much. My preference would be to exterminate what feels bad even though it's pointing toward good paths of freedom ahead. Trouble is, I cannot see exactly where they lead and fear rises within me. I want to know and I want to be in control because otherwise, how can I be sure that I'll be okay?

Larry Crabb talks about this idea... He says (my summary) that to exterminate desire is the way of Buddha, not the way of Jesus. Jesus actually invites us to go deeply into the pain of desire and longing. His heart is to bring us joy that cannot be stolen from us, but we must live in reality that at our core, we desire Him. Squelching or deadening desire or longing keeps us from discovering the depths of our desire for God. I'm finding this picture he offers to be so true of my experience over the past four years. And, I'm thankful. I've never been so honest. I've never hurt so much. And, I have never felt more alive.

I'm learning to accept this invitation into a deeper faith. I'm learning to love God for who He is, not what I think He should be or what He needs to do for me. Jesus has so often been a means to an end for me. In this process, I'm finding that He is the end. All of these paths--of sorrow and gladness--lead to Him. In Him, and in Him alone, there is fullness of JOY and life ABUNDANT. I don't want to be a woman of shallow faith. I want to be a woman who lives from a place of abiding hope, peace and joy despite the pain I may encounter in disappointment and longing. I want to recognize these as gifts and invitations to love God more deeply and experience His desire for me more profoundly. So today, I pray again for the courage to sit in those places and accept His invitation into a deeper and more meaningful relationship. It's an incredible invitation...

Lessons from "Be Present"

Tonight, in the midst of an acting exercise I saw a truth about my life with fresh eyes. The guy in front of me was portraying an action; I didn't know what it was, but my responsibility was to engage with him in it. He was postured toward me with indifference. He held a folder in his hands and whatever was on it was more interesting than what I had to say to him. He didn't care. In my approach, I began to tell him a story. He looked up, obviously annoyed and returned his gaze to the folder. I tried again, this time moving closer. I even shifted lower and tried to meet his gaze from the level of the folder. He wouldn't give.

In the background, our instructor/coach was now giving me directives: "The news you have for him is life and death... Convince him to listen!!" A little frustrated, I took a second with the advice and got back in my scene partners face. This time, I ripped the folder from his hand and threw it to the ground. Still no response, no engagement. My coach continued, "It's life and DEATH!!!" I broke focus and turned my attention to him now. "It's hard to do this when you're telling me what to do!" And I was done.

Later, as we debriefed the time, I felt disconnected. I was still thinking about the interaction from earlier. I decided to share about the frustration I experienced toward our facilitator when he started directing me in the exercise. "Honestly, I felt angry at you. I tried what I could with John, but he wouldn't have it. I guess I realized it's how I operate in my life... If someone ignores me like that, I give up. I want to get out of there..." He responded to this by adding a few things including, "A scene is boring if you're neutral. It would have been great for you to just leave then. Require your scene partner to have to figure out what to do next..."

Yet another guy in the room spoke up at this point, "I see what you're saying there, but Jessica is a pacifist-type of person. I don't see her leaving dramatically like that..." And I nodded. It's so true. But, what I realized in the midst of all of it is that I really don't fight for myself. This is a larger theme I'm seeing in my life right now especially when it comes to relationships. I often take what's issued to me and after giving it my best shot, I sort of slink away when the person isn't responding to me. I feel sad as I see and consider it, actually. I allow rejection to rule.

Though, one encouragement came in the process, too... I surprised myself by actually throwing the folder to the ground tonight... That's not like me. I think there was growth there--it didn't seem good enough for our coach though. He wanted more from me.

I wonder if I should expect it from myself...
I wonder what it would look like if I actually did.

Seen

I walked into a coffee shop I love this morning and was quickly (and rather loudly) greeted by a couple of smiling guys I'm getting to know. They were spending some time together with two others (strangers to me), but for 50 seconds, all four pairs of eyes were on me. I felt a little sheepish, actually. I may have blushed. Their greeting felt like celebration... I was there and they were glad. I felt surprised by it.

Sometimes, even when I'm with my closest friends, I can feel invisible or boring. Perhaps other people feel that way, too? Maybe we forget to notice each other, practice curiosity by asking our friends about themselves or sometimes we might see something in our friend we don't understand so it's hard to move toward them. This past year, I've really begun to desire to become a person who notices and also a person of invitation, I see how focusing on myself, genuinely lacking interest in those around me (sad to say, but true) or fear of not knowing what to do keeps me from people. But this morning, I was reminded again of how good it feels to be noticed. To been seen. To be wanted.

I hope to reach out to others in like-kind. I hope they feel noticed, seen and wanted by me. The heart of the Father intersects life in these relational moments. He reminds us that we belong... In fact, we belong to Him. Amazing.

So I'm thankful for those guys today. I'm grateful to have been seen and even delighted in. What a gift.