America Befriends Tyranny?

Is this the moment when we begin ducking our heads? Did the last day of 2011 mark the beginning of the end of my being able to state personal opinions loudly in the public square (via this platform or otherwise)? The President of the United States assures me that while he's on deck, no American will be indefinitely detained for suspicion of terrorist activity without due process. Do I believe him? And what come November? Does the United States Bill of Rights mean anything after December 31, 2011?  

I'm not naive enough to believe that this decision, this Bill, which became US Law, happened overnight. I'm presently startled by how silently it made its way through the American Legislative Branch and rested at last upon that desk in the Oval Office where our President "reluctantly" signed it into Law. Where have I been? And where are my fellow Americans? Do we really believe that the pursuit of our safety requires relinquishment of all of the freedoms granted us by the US Constitution and Bill of Rights? Sincerely, do we believe that? Do I? Perhaps more importantly, do we understand that what happened changes those freedoms profoundly and severely? Are the implications clear to each of us? 

The world is a broken place--of that I am certain--I believe we're all quite convinced on this point. In no way do I say any of this to discount the ongoing pain and suffering experienced by the families who lost loved ones on that horrific September day in 2001. In fact, I have the deepest respect for them and what they've been through. In the same way, tonight I think of our Founding Fathers. I think of those families that sacrificed their safety so that we might enjoy the freedoms we have come to expect as Americans in 2012. What of their sacrifice? What of that cost?  

I don't intend to sound dramatic. I'm simply and extremely sobered by this development. However, I am reminded in the midst of what feels like a wave of worry: God remains on His throne. I trust Him. I know that His will is already accomplished.  

I do take a moment and ask Him: What role do You desire for me to step into? How am I to live in this changing landscape of diminishing freedoms usurped from American citizens by the very people we voted into public office? Though, I also remember that my true freedom is never diminished--it rests in Christ alone and upon the sure foundation of His life, death and resurrection. What hope! This Good News certainly shines brighter tonight. 

And still, I wrestle with the existing reality. These words offered by those who have gone before give me plenty of food for thought and I sit with them tonight and consider their wisdom…

A Bill of Rights is what the people are entitled to against every government, and what no just government should refuse, or rest on inference.--Thomas Jefferson

Concentrated power has always been the enemy of liberty.--Ronald Reagan

If the freedom of speech is taken away then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to the slaughter.--George Washington

 All tyranny needs to gain a foothold is for people of good conscience to remain silent.--Thomas Jefferson

Rebuilding & Restoration

"What does this bunch of poor, feeble Jews think they're doing? Do they think they can build the wall in a single day by just offering a few sacrifices? Do they actually think they can make something of stones from a rubbish heap--and charred ones at that?" --Sanballat, Nehemiah 4: 1-2

Sometimes I wonder that, too: "Do I actually think..." The enemies of Israel were not kind. In fact, in Nehemiah, we see them reminding the Jews of the truth--the city was vulnerable and the work to restore the city wall was an enormous endeavor. I see my life in the picture of those simple stones that have been laid in a rubbish heap. I feel the coarseness of the char that exists in my soul from days gone by that have brought destruction and death. And, over the years, I've chosen to believe the enemy.

Thank God for the "Nehemiah's" of the world! As he learns of the enemy's threats, he establishes a system for protection so the rebuilding might continue when under attack. I love what he says after putting this framework into play (Nehemiah 4:19-20):

"The work is very spread out, and we are widely separated from each other along the wall. When you hear the blast of the trumpet, rush to wherever it is sounding. Then our God will fight for us!"

Two things stand out to me; first, the people were called to help one another--they were in it together--and two, even when they might rush to where the trumpet was sounding, Nehemiah recognized that it was God who would fight for them--Nehemiah knew God. Amazing.

Years of my life have gone by where I've lived in unseen bondage to beliefs established in the past. My walls of protection have turned to rubble as patterns were secured where I listened to and lived in light of the lies. I lost sight of what it looked like to fight. Honestly, I don't think I realized there was something real to battle. While I've delved into some of this during the last three years, over Christmas it became apparent that there were more areas of vulnerability in my life. And God, in His kindness, opened my eyes to see and hear the taunts of the Enemy. He brought someone alongside me to battle with me, but ultimately, He was the one providing the insight, direction, clarity and power needed to win.

I'm not sure if the Jews felt this way, but I was humbled by my lack of faith and belief. I cried tears of repentance and told God how sad I was that I believed so many things that are contrary to who He is for so long. And, the wall isn't fully rebuilt yet, but it's a beginning. There are more battles to engage in and I must live with resolution to believe God and invite other people to be in it with me. This past week I've been so grateful as He has shown generosity towards me, allowing me to recognize things that aren't from me or from Him. It has changed my perspective on the world and the impact of the supernatural in my day-to-day.

My heart is that God would fully restore me. I know it's possible--Jesus made it so. And, I know He will. I'm asking Him again to take this rubble and build a wall so solid that the lies remain on the outside. We cannot give what we do not have, after all. I know that experiencing the freedom He bought for me will have far reaching influence; I just need to live in light of it first. The exciting thing is, He is already accomplishing it in and through me...

Belonging

I'd be lying if I didn't say that sometimes I want to give up on people. Recently I've been considering what it means to continue to take the initiative in relationships even when the prospect of doing so leaves me open to feelings of rejection. Or, in another vein, finds me wondering "what if"--what if I didn't initiate? Would others seek me out and include me?

We've all found ourselves in positions like this, I'm sure. This reality has hit home a few times over the past several months when I've reached out to friends to make plans or include them in something I'm doing, but they don't reciprocate or think to call me when they move forward on something we've all talked about doing. It's hurtful, honestly and I have wondered why I wasn't included. But, it feels petty and shameful to be sad about being left out in those moments.

Yet, what I realize is that this can be significant in a couple of ways: one,  feeling forgotten or unwanted by people I care about is painful; and two, what I want to do with that pain is a weighty reality. Often, I want to close myself off from those relationships because it hurts too deeply to continue in them. Why would I want to set myself up for further disappointments? In the past, I've done that--cut people out, I mean. Let me say now, it's not a great option. In the process, you shut off important things inside of you that take effort and time, and yes, more pain to re-open. But, what are we to do with it all?

My brother and I were talking about this on the phone today. I told him that I'm trying to live a better story in this area of my life and seeking to remain open. Part of this comes from remembering that other people also want to belong. What does it look like for me to love radically and to re-frame what feels like rejection from some into an opportunity and invitation for others to step into life with me? It reminds me of the story Jesus told in Luke 14 of a rich man who planned a large banquet and at the last moment, all of his friends unanimously decided to find better things to do than come to his feast. Instead of sulking about, he made a decision to include those who were never included. He sent his servants out with the directive to search high and low for anyone who would come to his feast and fill his house. Now, I'm taking this a bit out of context here... I mean, I'm not a rich man who is experiencing purposeful rejection by his friends for some social reason the reader isn't privy to, but I can learn from him. He sought out those who did not belong and brought them in. How beautiful! Isn't that exactly what God has done for us? It made me further consider:

Who are those around me (including my current friends) who I might pursue and take the initiative with even when it means more risk for me?

How might I include them?

If my friends opt out, why wouldn't I pursue others and make new memories with them?

And, with regard to my closer friends, why hold a grudge or act out on the hurt? Forgiveness is key to maintaining strong relationships with them and keeping myself available to loving them well. I don't want to be a person who develops a bitter heart. I do want to be a person who gives others grace and remains open to relationships even when they hurt.

What it really comes down to is that I want to belong. I think others do, too, so I think I can choose to move towards them with joy and enthusiasm, don't you?

Reason 1.85 Million I Know God Loves Me

Peanut butter and dark chocolate, I mean, four words that make me remember God's love for me in a low key way. Today, I had such a hankering for a rich treat and I knew I'd be disappointed if I didn't eat something that satisfied it. But there is always a risk; often, the craving leads you in a direction and you buy something that doesn't measure up and then it's sad, right? : )

Well, I had to run to the chiropractor a little while ago and all day I kept thinking about chocolate cake. I knew that I didn't want to take the time to make one (and I know that THAT one would be perfect!), so I was considering other options.

By the way, isn't it nice that this took over my thought-life today?

Back to the topic at hand... I went to the chiropractor and as I walked in I saw Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory (Go Colorado!) just to the right of the office. And, after my adjustment, I laughed at myself thinking here I was having done something good for my body and now, well, welcome sugar!! I quickly made my way next store and discovered an enormous dark chocolate peanut butter cup. Let's just say my craving and a little over five dollars is gone. (As is seventy-percent of that deliciousness...)

Even better, I was cleaning out the trunk of my car when I got home (moving around for a few months has a way of helping one gather piles of things) and came across a box of papers and cards. Filtering through the items, I found a Publix receipt and wrapped therein: seven dollars! I made money today. Not too shabby!

Happy Monday, world. I think the week is looking up.

What I Don't Want

Something inside of me felt like it stopped this past month--on a level, I have felt like I was simply surviving, but in that place I was beginning to ask and answer some important questions. The Lord has been encouraging me to understand what it is that I want these past few months. It still sounds a bit nonspiritual actually--what I want has never seemed that important in the big scheme of things. Yet, I know a lot of people who know what they want in life and there are many moments where I envy them. There are aspects of that part of my journey that I do understand (the why's), but still many reasons remain unclear even now.

So, I began to consider what it is that I don't want--these things seemed so much more easily identifiable!:

I don't want to be stagnant.
I don't want to live in fear.
I don't want that particular person to have access to my emotional life anymore.
I don't want to be in pain (and I was choosing it this time).
I don't want to give up on the dreams God has given to me.
I don't want to place my own expectations on what God has shown me, thereby putting my hope in those things and not in Him.

And, from there I gained a bit of perspective. I closed the door of my heart to a lingering emotional relationship that needed to end because I realized I want to be in an actual relationship. I made a decision to move into a home and ended a few months of moving around town, staying with different (and generous!) friends because I knew the time had come where I could re-settle--doing so was something I really needed. I started scribbling down some notes for my writing again and dreaming of what else might come in that process. I feel hopeful as I witness this creativity rising inside of me. That's a start, I guess.

I do feel free in this place. I'm learning. I'm growing. And, I'm experiencing God's love for me in the crevices of my soul that He's working to redeem and restore. Thank God that He brings transformation... There's no way I could do this without Him.

And So I Remain...

Some friends and I have committed to living life intentionally together this next year. Each week, or as it's gone recently at least, we've gathered to share a meal, pray, dig into our study of the book of Luke and generally, step into the stories represented by the seven people in the room. I am still unsure what to expect of what our Tuesday's will hold for us in the months ahead; but last night, for the second week in a row, I found myself taking a deep breath and settling in. I almost wore my pajama pants again. Almost.

I facilitated our time of study and although we were supposed to be somewhere around chapter four, I felt nudged back to chapters one and two in the previous days of personal study. So we went backwards. There's something kind-of sweet about it to me as I think of it tonight. In doing so, we revisited the stories of Mary, Elizabeth, Zechariah, Simeon and Anna. I don't know about you, but I have glossed over the details of their vignettes as the years have swept onward. After all, the big picture finds us witnessing the births of John the Baptist and Jesus--What do these other details matter? Well, that's me anyway. I love the macro--the vision--where it's all going...

Stopped in my tracks this week, however, I noticed many things including these two highlights: the Holy Spirit was so present in the process and each person knew God. In fact, my greatest encouragement came from the stories of Simeon and Anna... Both recognized the Messiah, Jesus, when they met Him. Through intimate relationship with God, each was able to witness the movement of God as it happened. They didn't miss it, but rejoiced in the seeing: God's salvation had come! And, they saw this in the face of a baby!!

This caused me to consider the Pharisees--they had so much knowledge about God, yet when looking at Jesus, seeing Him face-to-face, they somehow missed the movement of God. Their knowledge of Him was limited because they never experienced the joy and struggle of relationship with God. Isn't that sad?

All of this caused me to think, of course, about my present life circumstances. There are things that I certainly don't understand about what God is doing. There have been recent days where I have wanted Him to behave in a way that makes total sense to me. I want Him to spell out the path ahead so I can just follow it. What I realize, however, is that what He is offering me is far better...

He's offering me relationship. He's affording me the opportunity to know Him. In so doing, He's continuing to build trust into the very fabric of my being. And, He's doing all of this so I will be able, in part, to witness His movement as it happens. Knowing Him, not just knowing about Him, is preparing me to really see Him.

When the insecurities and fear rise within me (like they did last Wednesday), the Lord is asking me to take a deep breath and engage. I'm learning that sure, I can ask for a formula or lean on my own understanding, but in the end, all those ideas have left me with is a lousy bit of insomnia... It's a lovely picture, really: I'm laying awake in the middle of the night imagining the drive to the airport, frantically booking a ticket and hopping a plane to Colorado. I don't know what happens when I land, but I assure all of us that I'd rather take my chances knowing Him here where He's asked me to wait and believe.  

Inspired by this Tonight

This caused me to again remember the dreams that I have and that it takes hard work and time to pursue them. From what I've heard from this album, I love it... A friend of a friend, I met Katie once or twice in college--it's so fun to see where she's gone in her life and career. And tonight, this story reminds me to choose courage and continue to take forward steps in my life.

A Day...

Stepping out of my car tonight at the place I'm staying, I felt the coolness of 70-some degrees (I can't believe I just typed that...) and the sound of a plane drew my attention upward. On its landing course, its lights flashed brightly against a deep blue-black sky. All I could think, "I want to be on you..." Well, heading somewhere else, I guess.

There are such good things happening in my life right now, but today sadness crept in again. Without warning and in two different public places, I cried. And cried. And cried again. In the process I received hurtful words and gave some. Yuck. Feeling wounded, I added to the cycle and I just feel grief.

I wish I understood why some things in my life are as they are at the moment, but I don't. It feels painful and I feel childish. A friend encouraged me, "Jess, you don't know why, but let it out... Sit in it. There's something for you in this." It is a great reminder. Another offered grace. Why is it so hard to receive?

Wishing I could change things, but knowing I have zero control, I stop trying as a new sniffle rises. Things might look different in the morning. I hope.

Big Sisters

Something I've noticed in the past year or so is the lack of older people in my life. Certainly I'm around people that are older in age and maturity than I, yet I haven't had the opportunity to spend much time with them. Having moved thousands of miles away from some of my "key" people, staying in touch has been more challenging and thus, the lack has grown.

Three months ago I started to feel the weight of it. Pouring out a lot by investing in some great relationships here, I noticed that I was growing tired and began to see how this deficit was affecting me. Wanting to continue to give and take responsibility for my own needs, I began to pray that God would provide some women in my life, further along in the journey, to whom I might connect with more regularly.

And, arriving back in town after being on the road for the past few months, a string of circumstances appeared that required more energy and faith on my part. I knew: "I need someone to walk in this with me. I cannot do this season alone." A few days after this occurred to me, a woman I respect and enjoy approached me--after catching up a little bit, I asked her if she would prayerfully consider meeting with me this fall as I walked through some larger things in my life. Her smiling response, "I don't need to pray...Should we get together Monday or Tuesday?" Her words were like a cool drink of water on a hot day. I thought, "Someone is actually going to be in this with me!..." I still tear up as I think about it. She and I met on Monday--I felt so cared for as we chatted and ate the lovely quiche she prepared, talking well into the early afternoon.

On Wednesday, it just so happened that one of my best friends was in town for work and had the evening free. As we dropped by the outlet mall and then into the city for dinner, we caught up and she spoke into my present story. When I say "spoke in", I mean the way only a friend who has known you for over a decade can. She's walked with me through so many things and here she was telling me face-to-face that my future was bright.

Coincidentally (or not?) my calendar for Thursday included my once-a-month appointment with my spiritual director. She helped me to process where God is in my present circumstances and I left feeling so seen and encouraged by her and by God. One of the questions she left me to consider was this: "Jessica, how have you been blessed to be a blessing? And then, for what purpose?" (See Genesis 12) Needless to say, I had much to consider as I departed.

Friday rolled around and I headed to the home of yet another woman I know. We sat in camping chairs outside of her garage, enjoying the fresh air, sipping on iced tea and watching her little guy play in the yard with water. She shared more about what she and her family are walking through right now and how they arrived there. I was reminded of how God makes all things beautiful in His time--it gave me perspective to continue to faithfully walk this path that I'm on.

Who knew that in a weeks time, I'd have four appointments with women that would encourage and challenge me in my present season of need and change? Talk about answered prayer!! I was floored that God provided such sweet wisdom and encouragement through these big sisters in such a concentrated fashion--He is so very kind. I was reminded of how important it is that we have godly mentors. Through their lives and experiences we gain wisdom, understanding and hope for the journey. After all, they've been in our shoes and have come through the hard and the good in life. They're able to look with joy to the days ahead because they've chosen to trust Him along the way. This is what they impart to our lives.

I'm grateful for big sisters. What a generous gift they were to me this week--a timely, timely gift.

Give Way for What's More

some things just aren't worth holding on to
something in me wants them to stay
release, let go, offer a goodbye
and continue to go on your way

who knows what's ahead
it's often unclear
and feels like another leap from a plane

carrying baggage beyond the present, quite silly
the sadness you'll move well beyond
the hope in you rekindled
through superior acquaintances to come

look in the mirror and remember
the girl peering back has great strength
faith, hope, love and that surest Foundation
extinguish fear and provide fresh relief

so don't be downcast nor down-trodden
look with joy to the good that's approaching
you've waited this long, hoped this well...
grasp with tenacity that promise and RUN.

Lessons of Hugs & Answered Prayer

Arriving home after the weekly gathering of my church community, I walked around the apartment I'm staying in and considered the time. It was a powerful night where we took time to pray. Now, most people might not consider that an ideal way to spend a couple hours on a Sunday night, but I was so grateful to witness and experience the movement of God. Striking, really.

Those thoughts swirled around a bit in my brain and then I considered something else that wasn't really related, but then, it was. I've never considered myself to be a person that gave or received hugs well. Sure, there have been moments in my life where I have, I guess, but I realized tonight that I have changed in that arena. I think it has to do with the people I'm around; they are some of the most loving and accepting people I've ever encountered. (Wherein lies the connection to tonight and our gathering.)

One of my favorite and closest guy friends was chatting with someone before our gathering and I sneaked up and stole a little hug. As I placed my head on his shoulder, I smiled at the feeling of familiarity and safety. I smiled at him without looking, actually. I just savored the haven. Later, a sweet friend whom I haven't seen for a while sat behind me. I embraced her and noticed that I really hugged her. Really. I gave part of myself away in that hug--I gave friendship and sisterhood and care to her. And again later, another dear guy in my life kissed me on the cheek and embraced me with strength and so I hugged him back. I received it. And it didn't even startle me that I did. Though the nurture of the moment lingered.

I wonder if it sounds crazy, but seriously, I haven't really noticed this change with clarity until tonight. And, I think it has to do with love. 363 days ago (give or take a few hours), I told God that I was ready for Him to re-write this banner that has flown over my life for many years. A script that has become a mantra... One that tells me that I'm not worthy of receiving love. What a curse. I spoke blessing into and over my life last year with simple words offered to God in hope for change.

There are many ways that I've neglected to acknowledge His answers to my prayer. And, yes, I did say 'answers'. I didn't expect that either. I have realized that I put expectations on how He'd go about answering, and over the course of a number of months now, having confessed those expectations and released them, I've begun to see how He has responded to me. Tonight was one example. What a sweet reply and gift.

Looking in the mirror, I see the face of this girl I've known all of my life and say, "Wow, you've come so far..." I barely recognize her in moments like these -- transformation has a way of causing this momentary need for a re-introduction.

And I wonder: Why did I wait so long to ask?

Adventure Afoot

God is up to something, that is for certain. In my weariness today, I was challenged to run to Him with much larger questions than the ones I've currently been asking about where I'm going to live as of next week.

"What are you doing in the future?" The question came from a trusted source.
I responded quickly, "What? I don't know... Like what am I 'doing'?"
"Yes..."

I next uttered words that have been in my heart, but wondering how practical those realities sound when spoken aloud. Intangible 'somethings' and purely thoughts at the moment, but I think they're formulating into something very real. This idea has been mulled over and prayed about and questioned in my own mind and heart for nearly three years. I'm asking it again; in a way, it's exhilarating. Yet in another, terrifying. Mostly because it's not just that I've considered it, but others have, and in increasing numbers, over the course of those years.

"What if ... ?" -- I wonder.

Making a decision of this magnitude in the way of releasing the hope for home, to be ready for whatever might be, is stirring a deeper contemplation in my soul today...

And I ask, "Will You go with me, Lord?"
If He does, then I can do anything.
I can do absolutely anything.

The larger questions at stake are these:

Will I open these palms and relinquish my ideas of what this needs to look like to free fall into His plans for me?

Do I really want what is great, what is LIFE, so badly that I refuse to settle for my version of comfort and safety?

Will I choose to hope in Him, not in the things I can see and control?

Do I trust His heart and that He has good in store for me (good beyond what I could dream up in my frailness and need and poor imaginations)?

Will I truly allow Him to be my home, my place of safety and my refuge?

You can pray for me. Meanwhile, I'm going to walk this path with Him. I think this is the most significant decision I can make in this season of my life--at least as I'm able to view it today.

P.A.I.N.

"Pain is one of the fastest routes to a no-frills encounter with the Holy, and yet the majority of us do everything in our power to avoid it."

--Barbara Brown Taylor, An Altar in the World

Boy is she right. How often do I run, no sprint, from anything that hurts? The answer, if I'm honest: daily. Every day I have an opportunity to engage with something in my life that aches--sometimes I choose into the reality that it's truly better to deal with it and other days I don't. Yesterday was one of those days where I determined to dive in.

I've been sad about a few things in my life recently. Newer pieces of pain have only served to bring to light years of that same hurt that have acted as the building blocks making the fresh object seem even larger and more important. I decided to sit in the stuff in the early evening and pulled my turquoise journal from my bag, carefully laying the pages open to an empty slot. As I began to write about desire, my emotions went from numbness, to grief, then on to anger. I raged at the Lord for a few minutes, verbally spewing the truth at Him--the literal truth from His very own mouth--and felt my disgust rise.

Guilt permeated my soul as I did so, but God gently reminded me that He could handle it. I wept in my bitterness. Knowing that I had yet another choice in moving forward, I grabbed my Bible and turned to a familiar, yet dusty book. Song of Songs. Strange to read this book on love when I was feeling as I was, but I read it through (even the footnotes). After that, I turned to I Corinthians 13 and read about love there, too. 

Softened, I returned to the pages of my journal and reached back out to the Lord. Ultimately, nothing was resolved in this endeavor, but I did recognize something vitally important: He is who He says He is, therefore I must trust. It is not simply an option, or a nice notion, or a thing to pacify the pain. He is real. His love is true. And even in the longing, some things do not change. He does not waver. He wants all of me. Right now, that feels mean.

Suffering from a bit of an emotional hangover today, I acknowledged in the weariness that He is kind. And, if I want a real relationship with Him, this is the type of encounter that I need to embrace more often. I just wish it didn't hurt so much... But then again, don't we all...

Change Happens

I like change. Actually, yes, it’s true—I’m one of those people. Perhaps it’s the feeling of constantly being in motion toward an adventure of sorts or a necessary variety I require that leads me there regularly. I think life would be rather boring if things always remained the same. All of that said, over the past decade I’ve learned that while I welcome, even need change, I must have ample opportunity to process big adjustments. In fact, understanding that has brought tremendous freedom to my life--and likely those in or around my life. Before I knew this, I never ‘got’ why I’m so quick on my feet with most decisions, but needed major time to deliberate (mostly with myself) other considerations. 

Today, my friends and I learned that we have to move. Our landlord decided to move back into the house for a variety of reasons which is completely acceptable; the only thing is, I’d asked him numerous times over the past several months what his thoughts were on reissuing a lease. He kept putting me off (maybe he really didn’t know) and I continued to wonder. Prior to moving here, I negotiated contracts on a regular basis so when he continued to be non-committal, I felt very unsettled. Now I know why. Call it a hunch or that I felt it in my gut, but here we are thirty days out and in need of a home.

Beyond that simple reality, I’m disappointed. I love this house, neighborhood, the access I have to people and things to do nearby. I love the relationships I’ve built here and the ability to quickly connect with friends who live within minutes. I’ve viewed this as a place to minister and reach out—it has become that in more ways than I can count. I love how my furniture fits here and the way that we are in the middle of everything, but had tremendous privacy. It sounds sappy, I know, but it was like a dream come true to live here—truly, my very own version of “Cheers”—I’d longed for a place like this since I lived in Boston and what a sweet gift it has been.

It’s not to say that we won’t find another place in the neighborhood or within close proximity. If we did, I’d be thrilled. That, too, is not a guarantee, but even if it turned out that way, one truth remains: it won’t be this place; it will be different. Things are changing. In fact, as I processed some of these thoughts with one of my roommates today, she said, “It is a big deal. You didn’t choose this…” Such a simple truth… I didn’t choose this, rather, it was chosen for me. I guess that’s what is making it harder. 

Maybe that’s why the tears came when I forced myself out of the house to pick up a couple of things at Target. Tears welled on the drive there, I mostly kept them at bay in the store, but the dam broke on the way home. I bawled. Not just a dribble, but the kind of sobbing where you make the weird wheezy breath noises (and I have a hefty head-cold to boot—pretty, huh?).  I told the Lord how sad I am and about my disappointment. I also told Him that I trust Him. He knew this was going to happen. He knows where we’re going to end up and I know that He’s good in this place. I’m just really, really sad.

As all of this was unfolding, I realized that part of the reason I’m sad is because I planted myself here—in this house, in this neighborhood. I’ve always loved that passage in Jeremiah 29 when the Lord tells the children of Israel to settle into life where they’re at—build houses, settle down, plant gardens, marry, have kids, work for the good of the cities (and they’re in captivity!). He wants them to live where He’s placed them. I guess I’ve done that again here—settled in, made this home. Somehow it doesn’t lessen the pain of being uprooted. And, that’s where I’m walking by faith tonight. Ready to be replanted wherever He deems best in thirty days or less … Here we go…

Promises, Promises

I was reading Hebrews 11 the other day.... The Hall of Faith. It struck me again, as it always seems to do, that those mentioned believed God. Most never saw the Promise fulfilled, but they believed Him for it anyway. Driving through a horrible storm last weekend, I reflected on the quickly changing circumstances of life. We really don't know what our days or our tomorrows hold. But, He does. I've rested in that reality for months now and here He has me, sitting with the truth again.

On the drive, the storm finally passed and there they were--two rainbows brilliantly displayed across the sky. I remember saying, "You keep Your promises; You keep Your promises." Tears filled my eyes as I reflected on a prayer a friend prayed over me in early June before I left for my summer assignment. Not knowing why, she asked God to fulfill the promises He had given me. Her prayer struck a deep chord and I cried. I told her, "That's so in line with what He's been asking me to trust Him with again--thank you for listening and praying that for me."

Honestly, I've allowed that 'thing' -- remembering what He wants me to remember -- to fall to the wayside this summer. He provided a storm and a double rainbow (not to mention a Journey song playing on the radio in that *very* moment-- "Don't Stop Believing'" -- it likely sounds so silly, but a dear friend of mine declared that as our theme song this spring for a number of reasons...) to remind me that I'm supposed to remember. He wants me, in the same way as those people in the Hall of Faith, to believe Him.

Why is it so hard to do?

None of those individuals were able to choose the outcome of their belief. They were simply faithful in their belief.

Period.

I'm struck by their, well, for lack of a better word, FAITH.

So here I am in Colorado waiting on Him, trying not to push the hard things away, listening, remaining hopeful, seeking to be open, and believing that He keeps His promises.