The people that know me understand that the past four years have been marked with suffering and brokenness. Not, perhaps, in the way I would classify them as such - suffering and brokenness belong to those far, far away that have very different problems and issues than those I face. In this process, I think I have longed for God to be near to me. He has seemed very far away.
It really isn't so dramatic, I have experienced him in this place because he's never left me, but my soul has felt dry. At times, I have been so cynical - a perspective that I was unfamiliar with in my life until recently. My heart has doubted and wondered about God's goodness. I've wondered how to trust him not knowing at times what that looks like, how it plays out, what he thinks of my thoughts about him. My desire really has been for him, but I've tried to find satisfaction apart from him in a number of different ways.
I feel compelled to write today because I sense the dam breaking again. My heart is moving toward tenderness and my ability to love and show compassion is beginning to grow. I'm certain that I've said similar words before - part of the process, I suppose - but, I'm seeing it fresh eyes today.
What exactly am I seeing?
Simply: God desires a relationship with me.
My first leg of my homeward flight to Boston last week came with some interesting seat mates. Jeri and Wayne were both making their way up the coast as well following business meetings in Orlando. I've never laughed so hard with strangers! She was like a seated comedian - people should pay money for her quips about the airline industry! Wayne told us that he never spoke to people on planes, yet throughout the flight, found himself conversing with us about this and that (maybe he was forced into it... He WAS in the middle seat!). I found that interesting. As we talked about work - mostly systems related chatting, he even offered me a job - He works for Microsoft.
After a while, I did turn to the book my Dad bought me before I left Colorado the week prior. "The Shack" proved, even in its earliest pages, to grip my heart. I was laughing and crying as I read (couldn't help it!) as our flight progressed. I was reminded of God's love for people and his longing for relationship. I wondered if Jeri and Wayne knew him. We said little about God on the flight. Just a few moments when I told Wayne what I do for a living and he brought up the "Christian" thing later in the flight. It was refreshing to talk openly, not about religion, but about this Jesus who wants a relationship - and how the novel was speaking to that.
The week before, in Colorado, I connected with ministry partners, family, friends and closed the project in Vail. A sweet woman from my home church gave me a devotional book called "Streams in the Desert" after learning of the dryness I've experienced in my walk with God. That book, coupled with "The Shack," has been like water to my soul. It has been speaking the truth of God's word into my life in a significant way and I find that the soil of my heart has softened during the past two weeks.
This morning, I got out of the house and headed to Starbucks to read. Sitting in an overstuffed deep purple chair, I took little notice of the elderly gentlemen sitting next to me in its twin. He did, however, take notice of me for a few minutes later, he leaned over and asked me, with a mouth full of missing teeth, what I was reading. I told him it was a book about a man who experienced tragedy in his life and the ensuing conversation he had with God about it. He couldn't quite hear me, so he asked me to speak up. Admittedly, I felt a bit self-conscious, but repeated, more loudly, my original description.
He went on to tell me how he thought I should avoid this sort of a read. "Tragedy is everywhere - you don't need to add more to your life," he stated. He then pointed out this raggedy young man sitting outside at a small table. This young man (who, in fact, I avoided eye contact with on my way in), had a tragic story. His parents had abandoned him when he was younger and he lived on the streets - "a vagrant," according to my new friend. Apparently, he had purchased a coffee and donut for him and sat to hear a bit of his story. Inside, I felt ashamed that I showed no mercy in my thoughts about this young guy.
He continued to share that I should only add good things to my life - happy things to carry with me. With that, we stopped chatting; I returned to my book, he to his watchful gaze of the people coming in and out of the store. Being a little more in tune with him now, even as I continued reading, I noticed that he knew many of the regulars. He asked questions about their lives, showed interest in a father waiting in line with his baby boy, greeted friends and made conversation. Here and there I'd glance outside and focus on that young guy at the small table. I spent time praying for him as I read - the perspective of my heart had changed.
A while later, I stood to leave. I greeted a man that joined my new friend and he responded, "How are we supposed to get to know you when your nose is in your book?" I chuckled, apologized and introduced myself. He is Bill. I then officially met my new friend, Jim. They both waved and said goodbye. I smiled as I left and thought that I must remember that... How are we supposed to get to know you when your nose is in your book?... Such a sweet, genuine community that engages and invites others into it. I love it.
What does all of this have to do with anything?...
Life is about relationships. So often I make it about something else - my work, proving myself, my competence, my pride, what I have to offer... Me, me, me.
I think this is why Jesus said to love the Lord God with all your heart, soul, strength and mind; love your neighbor as yourself. It's about so much more than me.
This isn't new, but my awareness of what is of true value is growing. And, within that, God is at work making hefty changes to life as I know it. Much of this really has to do with freedom. He wants to free me from my coping mechanisms - the ways I operate and "get through" life, my independence, my sin. He wants me to thrive and be free. He wants me to experience true relationship.
Somehow, I still don't get this. Honestly, that reality is super annoying. Yet, here I am in process and enthusiastically awaiting the things to come. Gratitude exists in my heart today because he has softened it and is at work in the midst of this mess I like to call, "My life." :)
