Tonight I sat quietly during our church gathering asking the Lord to speak. He gave me three words, two were accompanied by pictures. They have to do with this place of tenderness I've been walking in (and as it seems to go, a friend came to find me so she could pray for me--sensing she was supposed to-- this occurred a short while after I heard these words from the Lord and "tenderness" was the vocabulary He gave her for me). I decided to come home instead of heading out with people tonight and on the drive, I mulled over those words again and I cried.
I don't understand why God wants to make promises to me--one of the things He said was something I've known, the other two things were new. I feel like it's one thing to remind me of the old promise, but why add anything additional? I don't think my heart can process it, let alone handle the idea of those things actually being on His heart for me. They feel too delicate and sad, somehow.
I am past the point where I accused Him of cruelty and have reached the place of simply no longer understanding Him in it--and, I leave it there. I don't get it. It doesn't make any sense to me. I'm not mad at Him, I just feel sad because I really don't believe those things are possible for me anymore. And, it's a paradox because I believe Him for so many things. I believe Him for these enormous realities that I see Him accomplishing. I do not waver as I perceive His faithfulness in the big picture. Yet in this, I miss how these promises, fulfilled, even matter now.
How can I believe one without the other? I don't know, but I do. I think I've just reached the point in the grieving process where I just feel sad. There is no anger, no rage. There's no real hope for a different outcome--this piece of my heart feels dead--it's left me and I cannot do anything about it. It is beyond my control.
And I sit in tenderness, in sadness wondering about promises again tonight... I wish He would stop making them to me.
