Leaps & Bounds

Tomorrow I am flying away to one of my favorite places to see some of my most beloved people. I can count the number of times I've traveled for Thanksgiving on a couple of fingers, so this is a bit unusual for me. But they said, "Come!" and I said, "Maybe?" And then there was a ticket which cost such an astoundingly small amount of money (as tickets go, you see), so I HAD to...

I've been reflecting a little today about my life there and how the years here now just about equal those there. It's strange. Many things have changed which is likely unsurprising, but it still surprises me a little. I've been on such a journey trying to understand who I am these last several years (count them, there are a few). Here I am nearing the end of 2013 and I'm finally sensing I understand some of it.

What I've gone through to arrive here hasn't been lost on me. The process of this present year alone has sent me leaps and bounds ahead in the journey because so much pain required me to change. I couldn't stay the same any longer. This time, the change is much, much deeper though. I have a view of who I am and who I want to become and for perhaps the first time in my life, I'm unwilling to allow other voices to determine my next steps.

I've learned how people don't necessarily know better. I've learned how people can have their own agendas and when those don't blend with what I sense I'm supposed to walk in, I can let them and the way they'd like for me to behave or think go away in love. And, I've learned how I've idolized them in the past and failed to put my faith soundly where it should be. For this I've sought repentance by walking in light of the truth. It's so good. (And hey, it's also really hard to see these things about myself, so there's that...)

I'm happy to fly away tomorrow. I'm happy to have space and breathe the really cold air and be with people who have loved me and been for me for years and years and years. I'm happy to walk in old places I found significant. I'm happy to view all of it from these lenses... Newly adjusted. I'm not the same woman I was then--at the start nor at the end. I'm so glad that's true. I only hope to continue to be the very best version of myself there now and then bring her back here with me. This sounds dramatic... I'm only going for a short time, after all. But, I really mean it because there's so much more change to come in these coming weeks and months. I want to live with courage and live these precious moments I'm given with such truth and hope and love.

It's a joy to be on my way...

Donuts, Wine & Friendship

My heart has felt heavy in a certain way over the past couple of weeks. Mostly, it has to do with the details in a few dreams I've had. Ultimately, those dreams have raised and crushed a specific desire in my life and I have been grappling with hope in that arena. Funny how dreams bring things to light sometimes...

At any rate, I went to our church gatherings tonight fully intending to stay for both. I allowed the tension I've been experiencing to surface as we sang and invited the Lord to speak into my experience. Reiterating words I offered to Him while on a walk earlier today, I said, "Lord, I don't believe that You have good things for me, but I want to..."

This level of unbelief is always hard to see in myself. After all, I know His character and He's shown Himself faithful for all of these years. Yet, I still wrestle to believe Him. It's painful to see.

Grabbing a slice of pizza between the two services, the clerk mistook me and a very handsome guy as a couple. It was a sweet sort of moment as he and I embraced the awkwardness and chatted a little while we waited for our orders. Eventually we said our goodbyes, I headed back to the second gathering.

But, I just couldn't stay. Sitting outside, munching on my pizza, I felt overcome with sadness. I just wanted to cry, but didn't feel the freedom to. People kept stopping by asking me how I was doing and the best I could offer was, "I'm doing okay... Feeling a little weighed down tonight." It doesn't feel good to be in that place when you're the person who 'should be' checking in on them. Oh expectations...

Finally, I listened to what I really needed and left after learning a good friend was on her way out, too. On the way to our cars, I blurted out how I was feeling especially sad. She asked why, but assured me it was also okay if I couldn't tell her. I continued in spite of her kind offer and the tears spilled. She said we should grab some donuts and I suggested wine and after a brief chat with another friend we encountered on the way, headed to the store to pick up our essentials.

Beauty is, she just left my house. We spent the last four hours talking. The topics went well beyond where the evening started, of course. I feel so blessed to have a friend who was willing to walk through these past few hours with me--I'm encouraged by the way she chose to be present with me in my sadness. And, what a gift to remember how I'm not alone. I needed to know that tonight.

Friday Morning

Today I listened to a guy tell a group of people how being known in real relationship with other people is key, growing in awareness of self and getting help have brought health, and choosing rest, while not easy, is a good decision. (The latter two struck a significant chord with me in particular.) I must say, and I don't say this often about guys I encounter, I was impressed. And, I know I don't know his whole story--so take this as a 'skimming the surface' offering. Nonetheless, I was so encouraged to hear what he had to say.

Additionally, I found myself typing questions, not quotes, as I listened. His thoughts created space for me to think through a bigger picture perspective on a few things like this one: What does it mean to me to be brave? Rarely do I walk away from a talk with a further need to consider deeper things (I often walk away with new ideas or perspectives, but this felt more like a soul-digging endeavor).

It was good and I'm glad I made the time to go.

Other People's Parents

Tonight I'm feeling thankful for parents in my life who happen to belong to other people. One such person called me back after I left him a work-related message today and honestly, I'm pretty moved by his kindness and love. He and his wife have been in my life over the past couple of years, but more recently we spent a couple months seeing each other weekly. Though we have different perspectives on a good amount of things, I always appreciate his candor and his questions.

When my friends were in the process of waiting for their little one back in the late summer and all that was involved in that process, he and his wife reached out often to check on me, let me know they were praying for me and my friends and the baby, and sat with me in my sadness after she left us. They constantly moved toward me and it has continued to mean so much.

Our conversation tonight was no exception. On the message, I'd indicated some upcoming changes I am stepping into and as soon as I answered the phone, he wanted to hear more about it. Before we got to the 'business stuff' he took time to care about me as a person and encouraged me as I shared my news. I got teary as we talked and just realized again how blessed I am by this sweet friendship. It's an honor to have him in my life. Truly, an honor.

Bursting Through the Bubble

A friend puts it this way...

Change occurs when the pain of staying the same exceeds the pain of change.

It has taken me months to get here and thankfully, I've arrived without the anger I've felt so strongly for a good majority of the year. Seriously, that alone is an incredible blessing. I'm stepping out into a new adventure where not everything is shifting, but tangibly some things will be changing in the near future. Perhaps most notably, my perception of all I've walked through has been adjusted. It's not that the challenging aspects of the environment I've been part of have been addressed. Honestly, they really haven't been dealt with on so many levels. But, I have taken a look at myself and made decisions about what I'm willing to live with as I've taken it all into account. 

Blame-shifting isn't an option here. I make my own choices and I am responsible for myself. It feels good to see this and acknowledge it. Of course, I haven't sought to make these decisions about next steps without the Lord; rather, I've seen Him allowing me the opportunity to look at my life and choose how I want to cultivate it into the things He's placed inside of me to become and to do. It's so, so good.

I guess I write this tonight because I've noticed in the past week how free I've felt. I've laughed so much. I've had a regular smile replacing the furrowed brow of a long, hard season. Things and people which have occupied my mind have been released to be where they are and where they're going -- I cannot control them, after all. And, on top of it, not only have I noticed the change, but two friends (the likes of whom I haven't seen in 4-5 months) both commented on how different I look. What God has been doing in me has become noticeable to others and I just feel so full of gratitude for this reality.

Further investing in my city is a dream on the horizon. I don't yet know what form this will take as I venture out taking new steps towards Orlando, but I'm excited. I feel hopeful and as I've mentioned before, I sense my joy returning. This time, I actually see it happening... I'm so thankful.

When I Was a Child

Years ago a friend told me his theory that what most captivates us as children speaks to our long-term passions and destiny. I promptly went home, called my dad and asked him what I cared about as a kid. It was a short list.

"You liked to...
Look pretty,
Spend time with your friends,
Talk,
And oh, look pretty..."

At first I laughed and when I shared this with my friend, he laughed, too. He loved it. Part of me didn't. I think it's because it rang true and I wondered: What do those things have to do with my contribution to the world? Each seemed fairly shallow or boring.

I remembered all of this about a month ago as I considered some things I'd processed earlier this year in counseling. Suddenly, I didn't feel so lame about the list anymore. All of these years later, I have begun to realize how these elements of who I am actually have the potential for loveliness in my own life and in the world around me.

I started to understand why beauty is so important to me -- not just in my appearance, but in the things I set out to do and cultivate in my friendships, neighborhood, and city. I realized investing in people and spending time with them isn't boring or lame, but so life-giving and a privilege -- walking with people in their own stories is an absolute honor! And my love for communication has only grown with time. I love to share ideas, write and teach. 

So, what did you like to do as a kid? Chances are, you're probably really great at it still and if you're ever in a rut trying to figure out your next steps, revisiting those things might just bring you back to center. I've certainly experienced this in my own life recently and I'm so grateful for the reminders. The Lord has been helping me tune in so I might focus more intentionally on the things He's entrusting to me--the things He made me to be and to do.

Move Forward

My friend sat across from me tonight and before the dialogue really started, the tears streamed down my face. He was kind and asked me what was going on. "I'm nervous," I replied. "Why?" he asked. Shrugging my shoulders, I let more tears fall. Lord knew if I opened my mouth there would be no stopping them. He generously continued the conversation and then my words came back.

What would I want to do if the structure of it didn't matter, if money wasn't a consideration and if I could just do what is in my heart to do? I listed out a number of things as I answered this question. I started breathing easier again and feeling cautiously excited.

The weight of things which have felt so heavy recently lifted. There's still more to iron out, but the Lord, through this friend, began making a pathway forward into the things I sense Him inviting me to do. I felt relief. I felt encouraged. I felt loved.

Not only that, but I saw how it is actually bigger than me. (I mean, of course it is!) God has been cultivating forward-direction in other people around me along similar lines. These ideas aren't just "ideas" it seems. In actuality, it appears God has been moving people together in a common direction and the pieces of my heart which feel alive as I consider a different focus in my work? Well, they line up with these other notions.

I feel humbled by this reality tonight. I feel nervous about stepping into freedom to pursue what is inside of me. But, I feel alive in the face of the uncertainty of what it will look like. Tired; but alive.

And for tonight, I've told myself to rest. I'm trying not to "go there" when it comes to understanding how several different paths and ideas I've been considering, including this one, come together moving forward. Do they? I wonder...

For now, I think I just need to see the blessing of God's goodness to me in the questions I've had and the restlessness I've experienced. Because tonight, I have more clarity on the immediate next step and it's a gift. An enormous and lovely gift.

Plus, isn't it just like the Lord to bring a friend along to help see even more than what I thought possible in the first place? It is indeed. He is so kind.

Check Engine

We've heard the analogy drawn before. Well, at least I think most of us have. The check engine light comes on and we take a moment to consider how it applies to our hearts -- or so the pastor or clergyman tells us we should. Mine has been shining a bright yellow-orange for weeks. Every attempt to bring health to my car has failed and on the light goes again. Last night as I was driving from a time of encouragement to a time of celebration and it hit me: the state of my car engine has applied to the current condition of my heart. Oh! Duh...

I've been wrestling through job stuff, relationship wounds and financial concerns these past few weeks (you likely know if you've been reading along the way). Over and over again the Lord has been asking me to trust, to forgive, to believe. He's been showing me how easy it is right now for me to go to places which aren't His best for me in my mind, in my responses, in my posture. That silly light which has plagued me for weeks has actually been an unseen blessing reminding me: check under the hood, there's significant stuff going on in there and it needs to be addressed.

I sat with a kindred friend at the celebration last night. We dove into the deep end of the pool immediately and even in a short time, I watched and heard as God unearthed some truth. Sometimes when we're so "in" a situation or circumstance and our hearts are frail or perhaps even completely void of feeling, we have no choice but to stay there and ask Jesus to meet us in the muck. When we don't have what it takes to leave the place of pain, He has to come to us and bring us out of it.

A picture came to mind of the man who sought healing for 38 years. When Jesus found him laying by the pool, and if you know the story, He asked him a question: "Do you want to be made well?" And we all roll our eyes and say, "Jesus, isn't the answer obvious?"

The other story that popped into my mind was about Naomi. She continued grieving the loss of her husband and her sons for years beyond what any Jewish person would have considered appropriate. There was a time for mourning and a time to put the grief away, but not for Naomi. Instead, she became bitter and renamed herself in like kind, "Don't call me Naomi... Call me Maura (bitter)" she said. God had dealt her a low blow. She sat in her pain and wouldn't budge.

In both circumstances, God went there. He went to the places of pain and brought life with Him. He stirred desire and called out dreams which had faded. He wasn't content to leave them there, but the process took a particular course and in both cases, it wasn't quick.

I so desperately long for Him to continue to meet me in these things I'm struggling through and bring me out. I wish it happened yesterday, in fact. But you know, I'm realizing just how important it is that He has come to this place to find me today. I'm beginning to realize that while it has taken time sitting in much of it for longer than I'd like, desiring to give it up to Him and then taking some of it back on myself, and hurting through the areas which still require healing balm, it's good.

He's reminding me of what He's put in me. He's stirring the dreams, awakening the desires and removing the constraints. All the while, I get to take a look under the hood and invite His help as I seek to live honorably before Him and others in the midst of it. I don't know how to do it well. I've failed a lot in the past. But, I have hope that as I watch Him, I'll learn a new way through this time and be ready for whatever is ahead. Even when, especially when, it involves more pain.

Words to Live By

And especially... Words for my heart TODAY. Boy is it hard to love when you've been hurt, you guys. I want to shut off. I want to say, "You can't have any more of me..." I want those people to feel what I've felt by their lack of care, concern, initiative, invitation--the list goes on. But He shows me a more perfect and beautiful way. It's an enigma and it goes like this...

Love from the center of who you are; don't fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good. Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle.

Don't burn out; keep yourselves fueled and aflame. Be alert servants of the Master, cheerfully expectant. Don't quit in hard times; pray all the harder. Help needy Christians; be inventive in hospitality.

Bless your enemies; no cursing under your breath. Laugh with your happy friends when they're happy; share tears when they're down. Get along with each other; don't be stuck up. Make friends with nobodies; don't be the great somebody.

Don't hit back; discover beauty in everyone. If you've got it in you, get along with everybody. Don't insist on getting even; that's not for you to do. "I'll do the judging," says God. "I'll take care of it."

Our Scriptures tell us that if you see your enemy hungry, go buy that person lunch, or if he's thirsty, get him a drink. Your generosity will surprise him with goodness. Don't let evil get the best of you; get the best of evil by doing good. 

Romans 12:9-21

I Shall Not Want...

Not many people really like to talk about money, but I'm certain it's on most of our minds from time to time. Yes? In the midst of my transition to a new workplace in the early part of 2012, all seemed well as my final three paychecks rolled in. The timing should have been perfect to receive my first paycheck from the new organization just as the old wrapped up. All seemed well...

The day I was supposed to be paid, I looked at my bank account and could not see a direct deposit in sight. Maybe I had the wrong day? I was new to their system, after all. Picking up the phone I quickly discovered it was the right day. They had forgotten to file all of the paperwork I sent them a few months prior. They asked if I could wait until the next pay period--one month from that particular day. I wasn't sure; and, I let them know it. All things considered, it was going to take at least two weeks if not longer. So, they started the process and I waited. And, I waited.

Months before, I'd finally paid off my debt. (Insert the biggest sigh of relief and shout of joy here.) I purchased a laptop--in cash!--for my new season since the old remained with my former organization. I didn't have money coming out of my ears, but I had a little. I wondered if it would carry me through. One day late in the waiting it occurred to me:  "My newly purchased healthcare plan is coming out tomorrow through auto-withdrawal! Drat!!" I looked at my bank account. Sure enough, I was down to the last of it. The little savings I had was drained as I paid my bills that month. The auto-draft would send me into overdraft. Reaching for my purse, I pulled out my wallet and counted the cash. Just enough. I quickly headed to the bank and deposited it. I was so thankful to have caught it in time.

A few days later, my first paycheck came in. Before it hit my account, I had $13 left to my name and I didn't go into debt again. The Lord provided so faithfully--I even had a little room. Never before had I encountered a moment like this and it's not one I'll easily forget. He gave me what I needed. I had to lean on Him because I honestly had no clue how that particular story ended. He did. It was a good and growing moment in our relationship.

He's been retelling this story to me this week. This time around, I actually have money in savings, but all of it is for taxes and I don't think I've saved enough given what happened this past year. In other words, it's a "do not draw on this account" account for me. My checking account has been depleted and depleted. My paychecks have been short for months. I've been tightening the belt and though it might seem surprising, I genuinely feel content in the process. I'm okay.

But then, my car started acting up. So far my mechanic has put in two parts and the check engine light has shown brightly for the fourth time this month today. One of my largest ministry partners just let me know they are leaving my team as I've been working on developing additional funds for ministry here. There are pieces of furniture we genuinely need in our new home so we can actually put other things away--there's no more space for them elsewhere (in fact, I purchased one and took it back realizing I don't have cash flow to support the purchase). And, I was hit a few weeks ago and the scenario for things being fixed by the person who hit me are looking bleaker and bleaker by the day.... Then my insurance agency called me and sent me a letter to inform me they're dropping me. I've been hit twice in the past four months (ironically, I was at a full stop in both scenarios) and they don't want to deal with my business. I am appealing their decision, so we'll see how that goes.

I've been asking the Lord... Why did You open up this place for me to move into when financially I was headed south? Why would You call me to a ministry where developing new financial support is more challenging than ever before? Why would You bring me out of debt to allow me back on the brink of it? I don't understand... 

This is a lot. When I consider these details and the feelings I have about them I realize, "No wonder you were biting your nails off today..." There's a stress I feel underneath the weight of this uncertainty. How does this all turn out?

But then again, the other day someone handed me a check to bless me. Today, someone else handed me some cash because the Lord told them to give it. Beyond those acts of generosity, my mechanic has generously offered to allow me to pay him when I can.

He answers all of my questions by reminding me that He, indeed, is my Shepherd. I shall not want. I'm humbly learning to receive and embrace this truth again as the dollars trickle out of my checking account. It's literally time to put my money where my mouth is -- He is my Provider.