I Belonged There

Standing in my shoes today, the view from here looks dreary. It rained this morning, but then the sun came out. I don't feel very capable of appreciating its brightness. Not so much from an outward view (I see how lovely it is!), but from my soul perspective. I feel lonely in my life right now. The reality is hitting me hard this week. Perhaps this is an aspect of the season of life I'm in. Combined with the challenges I've faced relationally and in my work these past several months, I feel depleted. I don't feel successful at much. I don't feel seen or known well. I don't feel like I belong anywhere specific.

There are many people around my life. They have their opinions about what it looks like from their view and the reasons I've wrestled deeply. I have my own, as well. It's not that I don't think they care for me or want to care--I just don't see anyone having the energy or desire to care in a way that I need someone to care. I continue to extend invitations for people to be "inside"--some are accepted and that has been very sweet. God has met me through people who have taken the time to notice me and those who have also invited me to be part of what they're doing. But, my trust has also been broken as other people have taken what they've seen on the inside and shared it on the outside. That's not so sweet.  And, all of that aside, I think I'm just weary in the process of extending invitations. It feels like planning my own birthday party over and over again, hoping people will want to come but realizing they've found something more exciting to do instead.

One of my oldest friends put it well about a month ago, "You have good friends in your life, but you don't have a group... Everyone who you're close with is part of their own circle and you belong with those individuals, but the circles don't connect." Once upon a time, I did have a group. Earlier today I had the chance to share about that group. Those friends wanted me there. It wasn't even a question in my mind or theirs whether I'd be included in plans being made. At one point, I'd moved thousands of miles away and they called saying they had to have me at a last blowout party and wanted to pay to fly me home to be with them... "It wouldn't be the same without you," they exclaimed.

I knew I belonged there. And wow, thinking of it now, I felt safe, secure and oh so very loved. I knew I was wanted. I knew my presence was precious to them. I felt precious. I'm seeing now how profoundly their love changed me. What a gift. What an absolute gift.

I told the Lord today that I'm not sure how to walk this path He has me on. I know I belong to Him. I know the picture is not as black and white as the story I've unpacked above illustrates--my perception is incomplete. I just feel the deficit deeply today. I'm tired of being strong. I'm tired of being told how things should work. I'm tired of being told I offer so much one week and being critiqued over the smallest thing the next. I'm sad as people who have expressed their willingness to battle for me have pushed me away. I'm just tired right now. There's just a lot more bad than good. And, it feels really hard.

Release

Darkness falls
glowing ball hides
I am awake.

Sixty one days
my voice grew strong
my voice faltered.

You all like giants
tread upon tenderness
the cast of your feet linger.

You know better
...or do you?

Commentaries pressed in
cemented, hardened
enveloping me.

Still, dignity rises
unquenchable expectation, hope.

Like a tree whose roots grow down deep
uncovering a source
true and good
all pales in comparison.

Downcast eyes see.
Broken heart receive.
Silent lips speak.

Forgive.
Love.
Forgive.
Love.
Release.

Be who you are not who they think you to be.

And Now, About That Nap...

My eyes didn't want to open this morning. You know the kind... You're exhausted, your whole body aches for reasons you cannot remember, your brain is trying to run, but it feels like you're running Windows instead of your Mac. I encouraged my eyelids to open and felt shocked by the sun peeking through the blinds. "Why do you have to be so bright?!" I muttered inside my head (there's no way my lips would utter any such word or phrase). As I came to, I began to consider the crazy day I'd scheduled for myself. Literally six different commitments filled my Saturday calendar between the hours of 11:00 & midnight, plus an errand or three I really need to run. Too much. But being me, even in this overly-tired place, I thought, "You can do it!"

I somehow made my way to the kitchen to cook oatmeal, folded my laundry and showered while contemplating the reality of how I was never going to get myself out the door on time. Moving at a snail's pace, I sat on my knees pulling papers from under the bed to consider what needed to go with me and I sunk deeper into this posture and wanted to nap. Not good when you need to leave the house soon. As I stood and evaluated myself in the mirror I wondered aloud, "What are you doing?" I wanted to cry with weariness (it was like when you're little and you don't know what's wrong, but nothing seems too good and you just want to cry... Or is that just me?). 

So I looked at myself again and thought, "You don't have to do this..." I texted my first appointment, apologized and said I couldn't make it. My phone wouldn't send the text. I tried four times. When it finally worked, I exhaled and thought, "Good... That bought you a few more hours." Total relief. It's in moments like these that I remember how the Lord loves me and wants to care for me. I really get in the way of that in seasons like this one. It's like what I wrote the other day... I forget to check in with my heart and ask Him what's best. I almost forgot today, but I'm so glad I remembered. So glad I listened.

New Mercies

I wasn't prepared last night. Mid-way through a time with small group shepherds, I noticed everything was off, but instead of correcting the course, I kept pressing on. It's not that anything bad happened per say. But, the good I can now see had I turned onto the other road was missed.

On the drive home, I felt very sad. I went into auto-pilot and led from a place I've been before, but not necessarily the place where we're going. I can see where we're going... I felt sad about the way I didn't recognize what was happening in the moment though. The way I wasn't listening well enough to guide us there.

When I got home I just stretched out on my bed and stared at the wall as the evening looped on repeat in front of my eyes. I asked the Lord to fill the sadness with His peace. I asked Him to help me live from my identity in Christ and not go down the path of shame for missing it and not performing perfectly. I asked Him to turn the evening into good despite the fact that I didn't listen to the all-too-familiar nudge of His Spirit.

It's a weighty thing to come alongside and equip people. The preparation I lacked wasn't in the form of task, but rather the heart. I didn't quiet myself before the Lord and invite Him to lead the time. I didn't reflect on the bigger picture of where we're going. I got caught up in the details.

So I've stepped into this new day with a little heaviness (I'm still trying to sort out how I didn't do it perfectly and that hurts, you see). And in the midst of it, I get to talk with the Lord about it. I get to allow my perception of myself to realign with what He says is true about me. I get to embrace grace and truth together. I get to mature and walk humbly. It hurts to see how badly I need Him--I want to be able to do this on my own. And, I'm thankful for His love and faithfulness to me in it. I'm so glad for the reminder that I can't do it without Him.

Summer Scenery

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" 

--Mary Oliver--

A woman I've only met over the phone offered this quote and a few significant words of encouragement to me in an email after we spoke last week. I've been thinking of it as I completed (well, nearly completed...) the process of moving. I have high hopes for this life of mine. The past few months have been so challenging, but I don't want to give up on the dreams God has given me or the pictures He has offered me about what He is doing all around me. 

I woke up this morning and opened the blinds. The picture above is my view for the summer. What a gift. I slept better than I have in months and while I was still sleepy upon waking, I pressed into the day with hope that this adventure is a good one to be on. I feel safe and wanted in this place. I feel removed from my routine already. It's a good feeling. I have space and time to take some deep breaths and consider the future. I GET to (there it is again!) sit with Jesus and savor Him. I GET to look out this window and consider the things He has put in my heart. I GET to listen and consider all He tells me about where He's taking me and the good He has for me and others in the process.

Sometimes all that's required is a change of scenery. I'm thankful to have it. I didn't know how badly I needed this break from my regularly scheduled life. Though there's no doubt it will prove challenging to commute for work and see friends, I get to choose into a new rhythm, a fresh pace. And, I'm not alone. There's something very significant about that aspect of this change for me. These friends and their sweet little ones are a gift for me. So, here's to considering, again, what I get to do with my one wild and precious life...