New Mercies

I wasn't prepared last night. Mid-way through a time with small group shepherds, I noticed everything was off, but instead of correcting the course, I kept pressing on. It's not that anything bad happened per say. But, the good I can now see had I turned onto the other road was missed.

On the drive home, I felt very sad. I went into auto-pilot and led from a place I've been before, but not necessarily the place where we're going. I can see where we're going... I felt sad about the way I didn't recognize what was happening in the moment though. The way I wasn't listening well enough to guide us there.

When I got home I just stretched out on my bed and stared at the wall as the evening looped on repeat in front of my eyes. I asked the Lord to fill the sadness with His peace. I asked Him to help me live from my identity in Christ and not go down the path of shame for missing it and not performing perfectly. I asked Him to turn the evening into good despite the fact that I didn't listen to the all-too-familiar nudge of His Spirit.

It's a weighty thing to come alongside and equip people. The preparation I lacked wasn't in the form of task, but rather the heart. I didn't quiet myself before the Lord and invite Him to lead the time. I didn't reflect on the bigger picture of where we're going. I got caught up in the details.

So I've stepped into this new day with a little heaviness (I'm still trying to sort out how I didn't do it perfectly and that hurts, you see). And in the midst of it, I get to talk with the Lord about it. I get to allow my perception of myself to realign with what He says is true about me. I get to embrace grace and truth together. I get to mature and walk humbly. It hurts to see how badly I need Him--I want to be able to do this on my own. And, I'm thankful for His love and faithfulness to me in it. I'm so glad for the reminder that I can't do it without Him.