I Think It's Called Living in Confidence

Six weeks ago my life looked radically different. On the outside, only a few things have changed (significant for sure); but what has happened on the inside is what I'm taking stock of right now. Driving home today, I realized how tired I am. I haven't slept well since Christmas and as a friend in my small group offered tonight, "That's a really long time..." True. I'm feeling it.

So driving home I got teary. I talked to the Lord about a couple of repetitive thoughts which feel irritating and hard. I dropped by to see a friend at a thing, paused to grab my mail and showed up at my house wanting nothing more than to see myself in my pajamas. Releasing any care of small group friends showing up 45 minutes after that, I let myself go there. I felt the small bit of sadness I felt today and I let the tired feeling exist without living in tension about it. Then they came and I was glad to see them (even in my pajamas).

Leaving for another thing after we wrapped up, I couldn't imagine why I got myself ready. There was nothing left in me, yet the place I arrived at and the people there required only that I be present. One woman showered me with unexpected encouragement. I don't even know if she could know how much her words meant to my heart today. She couldn't have... As I sat, writing notes to a couple of the friends we were celebrating, I noticed being noticed and felt a part. It was sweet.

What I'm seeing right now about myself is the way I've been called to live by a deeper level of faith than ever before and I think it looks good on me even in spite of the weariness. I feel alive. I don't have a great handle on where exactly I'm going, but the Lord has been inviting me to take even more significant steps forward this past week and I'm surprised, encouraged, curious and hopeful about what is to come. Somehow I've settled even more specifically into being just who I've been created to be. It's difficult to describe, but I guess I'm feeling decisively more comfortable in my own skin.

Over the weekend, I took time to revisit journal entries from the past nine or ten months. It's funny how God was literally birthing new desires in me and I wasn't able to see it clearly until now. And, perhaps they weren't so new, after all. When I think of it more, it seems He's been pointing me back to the core of what He's put in me all along. I think He's making a way for me to actually invest part of my time (in a legitimate paid sort-of way) finishing my first book later this year. I think He's making it possible for me to come alongside some people in ways I never imagined I could. I think He's bringing me to a place where I step into, in a substantial way, the things He's put in me to do and I believe the season I've just left afforded me the help of breaking off a lot of junk that needed to go so I might be right here. Right here in this place.

I'm tired and while a small bit of sadness lingers over some rather ordinary things, I see myself coming of age. I see promises being fulfilled. I see intimacy growing only deeper. I have hope in the core of who I am that He is who He says He is and He always, always, always leads me into good things. I have faith that the things I cannot see are actually coming to fruition right now. I keep encouraging these tired eyes to remain open, even focused, because what's ahead will certainly be a lovely view like I've never seen. I don't want to miss a moment.

A Life of Learning

I don't think there's anything in life which prepares one to walk through the deepest tragedies with people except for that one thing... Walking through them with people....

A few weeks back, two of my best friends and I decided to schedule an excursion to the coast, but mostly to Trader Joe's. I've been wanting to go for a month or two and was grateful we landed on a date. Within the day, I realized we would be making our way there on the 5th month anniversary of Sophie's life and death. There's nothing easy about death. Even five months into the grief, we all feel it.

Still, we took the day for what it was and found ourselves eating lovely fish tacos, then strolling down the street to witness the beauty which is the Gulf Coast. We took a couple of pictures (the kindest man offered to help us as he and his beloved walked by) and sat on the sand, staring out over the water for 20 minutes. I felt profoundly grateful for these friends who are more like sisters to me. They're more beautiful to me four and a half years into our friendship. I know it's because of the roads we've walked together.

Walking back to our car, we daydreamed about renting a vacation home there so we could get even more time together. It's fun to dream those little dreams, you know? But, I can see it... A week there with them (and probably the other peanut we love and their husbands... I don't think the guys would let us get away with a week without them). I'd love it.

I'm realizing more and more as I get older how much I simply don't know. The Lord, in His kindness, is helping me to open up my arms and invite whatever He deems as best. He's helping me to be faithful and to walk in obedience. And perhaps most importantly, He's helping me to learn to lean on Him in so many moments when I 'just don't know how' to relate or do the thing I need to do or risk or be the friend I'm not sure how to be for someone else. 

It's amazing how much I don't know, actually. I'm finding peace in this place, though. I'm learning to be present and how to be free. I'm learning to love better. And, I'm learning to be grateful for the process and these people in a way I never knew I could learn it.