Friday, April 30, 2010

In the Land of Women...

My roommate and I were in the "I'm not up for going out on the town", aka Friday, sort of mood tonight, so I popped over to the new frozen yogurt place across the way, grabbed treats and headed back to introduce her to one of my favorite films. I don't think I've written about it here before...

Each of the ten (+) times I've watched In the Land of Women, I find myself reflecting and thinking about life. Such a poignant, funny, sad and truly beautiful story erupts as a young guy from LA runs from his present reality, finding an unexpectedly safe haven in a small Michigan neighborhood where he takes time to care for his ailing grandmother. Two key characters, a mother and daughter living across the street, bring their own issues to bear as they spend time with him.

In the film everyone works to conceal something, but the thing they think is hidden is actually known. They just don't know that it's known. Confusing enough for you? Each time I watch it I'm reminded of the chaos existing in my own heart. What do I do with my pain? The characters handle pain differently. We see them running from it, medicating it, filling the void with things like relationships and busyness, or utterly suppressing it.

However, the sweetness comes in the honest moments. Each of them wants to be known; each takes risks, engages, fails, forgives. I love how messy it is -- I don't always understand or agree with their choices, but I 'get' the chaos, the pain.  I never experience a sense of resolution as the credits roll, but I do feel strangely inspired. And though I have seen it many times, I'm still trying to put my finger on the 'why'.

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Monday, April 26, 2010

Would I Give Up High Heels?

In my world these last years, I have become fond of a description I ascribe to myself regarding my obsession with high heels... I am my 'true-intended height' when I wear them. God made me 5'4.5", but created men who would make shoes that would take me to the 5'7" or 5'8" that He intended. It was kind of the Lord to do this for me, don't you think?

A recent conversation with a friend has called into question (in a nice, non-judgmental, but making-me-think-sort-of-way) if part of the obsession exists so I might better fit into a daydream I carry around about marrying a very tall man. Yep, that sounds as funny as I expected - ridiculous perhaps? But honestly, when she said this to me on Saturday, I thought, "Hummm...." There is something in me that really desires to feel small and protected in a relationship. I've continued to mull this over wondering what I really do hope for in the person I marry... Another friend, recently engaged, shared just two weeks before how her fiance came in a 'package' she didn't expect, yet how tremendously well-suited they are for another. Was this the Lord preparing me to think this through a bit more?

And Saturday, this question was posed, "Jess, would you give up high heels?" Let's talk about this: "what if" I met a godly man, passionately pursuing and building God's Kingdom, a great communicator who loved me enough to encourage me toward the Lord in life, was growing in grace and truth, and was not what I have envisioned outwardly? What if I towered over him when I wore my heels and that was strange for him? Could I wear flats 'til death do us part? Part of me says, "EEK!"...

Let's just say that I'm still in process with the latter (aka, 'Wow, this is harder to consider than I ever imagined'), but seeking to let the Lord inform my future because I know that He is truly good -- Who knew a girls' high heels could be such a big deal?

Saturday, April 17, 2010

New Roots

There is this beautiful ocean pathway along the Atlantic in Maine called the Marginal Way. Walking along it, you can't help but breathe in the salt of the ocean and spot the gulls at play. I don't remember a single thing about its history or even the details of the times I walked it, but I have this photo hanging in a white frame against the textured white wall of my bedroom that I took on one of those treks that shows a lovely leaf-covered tunnel, colored with New England's finest fall colors. I remember the man at the photo printing store (yes, this was prior to the digital age) telling me that the bottom was a bit blurry and it was probably the result of some residue on my camera lens at the time I snapped the picture. (That doesn't have much to do with what I'm about to say, but I'll allow it to serve as my little tangent memory for the post.)

At any rate, I feel like life has gone a bit pear-shaped over the past two weeks (thank you Sweet Home Alabama for that way of looking at life when its messy); I feel out of sorts which has much to do with a complete week of crazy two weeks back, then the following seven days I limited the insanity, yet presently suffer from an overwhelming sense of depletion. Five friends have called that I need to catch up with--I can't bring myself to respond, I keep thinking that a work-out will help--I'm immobilized from shear indecision, I know I'd feel better if I just took care of the cluttered stacks of  paper around my room--but really, why would I want to file today? So, I'm productively staring at the wall and find my gaze settling on this photograph while my memory meanders back to the time I moved to Boston.

I don't remember questioning the decision or even feeling super concerned about the lack of relationships I had in the Northeast  (Oh, let's think... None). Yet, I've just made a decision to stay in Florida -- details to come in the nearer future -- and I think what I'm experiencing is loss. It is very normal to face this with any major change in life, but I think it snuck up on me. I'm really excited about the 'why' when it comes to staying; but the meaning of the change isn't lost on me this time around. I'm not going back to my relationships, my apartment, my city, the Charles River, my favorite restaurants, the seasons, the Public Garden, my office (with the door!), the Red Line, my church... I've already left.

I have to grow new roots. It's like the tunnel in the picture: it is really beautiful to look at, but I'm unsure if I want to walk into and through it. What if I don't like what is on the other side? The pathway is a bit blurry at the bottom and my uncertainty, in the midst of faith, grows.

Two months ago, I was talking with the president of my organization about the outcomes of following the Lord and how I previously grew so close to a community of friends who became my 'family' in Boston. He compassionately said that perhaps it was indeed time for me to establish roots with a new family. At the time, I remember thinking this was true and it really is now.

Praying to thrive where I'm planted. And so goes the story of laying new roots.