Sunday, October 27, 2013

Beauty: Why?

I listened to a message the other day by a guy named Skye Jethanp. His words encouraged me in present considerations regarding my life and my future. For now, I don't need to add commentary. I just want this truth to seep in deeply and set my heart toward the Lord in what He's inviting me into:

"When we cultivate beauty in our worship as the people of God, what we are declaring to a world that is full of ugliness and despair is that you can run out of line and take hold of the beauty. It is within reach because Christ has come! The Kingdom has broken in and the people of God who are inhabited by His Spirit are here to cultivate the beauty of the Kingdom and you, too, can run out of line and take hold of it and find hope in the middle of darkness knowing that the present darkness will not prevail..."

Beauty matters.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Englarged into Joy

"All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it’s not only around us; it’s within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We’re also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don’t see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy."

There's a spot on I-70 West where one arrives at the peak of a steep incline and just as the car begins to descend toward a valley, a breathtaking landscape presents itself. Rows and rows of mountain summits appear in the distance as far as the eye can see. Just thinking of the sight evokes a feeling I've felt a thousand times as I've encountered this panoramic: My heart leaps and joy erupts. The majesty of this moment always takes my breath away. It has to be one of my favorite experiences on planet earth.

Witnessing it today, I was reminded of how hard it is to wait. There are things I've longed for and they seem so far off as I continue the climb toward the crest. When I arrive there, beauty unfolds before my very eyes. There is sweetness in the arrival, but quickly fades as an awareness grows pointing me toward those peaks in the distance. My journey has only just begun. Uncertainty sets in and fear rises as I consider what it will take to reach those far-off places. To be honest, I don't have a clue what will be required of me along the way; though, I've lived long enough to know it will involve both joy and sorrow. I see those beautiful crowns and sense the good awaiting me there. What to do? Stay here? It is a lovely view... Or, plunge into the valley? I think of the possibilities. How can I lead others where I have yet to go myself?

Discovery is a risky, yet wondrous affair. Am I willing? Looking back, I see only the familiar and I'm comforted by it. Setting my sights on what is ahead, I feel alive. I feel expectant. And I feel terrified. But, there's a truth I need to remember today: I have been enlarged in this waiting. God has shaped and transformed me in ways I never imagined. He has cultivated the soil of my heart to offer who I am to the world in a way only I can. He has stripped off weights which held me back. He has prepared me for this season to be unleashed into an adventure I never imagined for myself. And, I think it's about joy. I think it's about destiny. I think He's telling me the good gifts He has ahead on this pilgrimage will not be taken from me. It sounds too good to be true, but then I remember... He is faithful to His promises.

Friday, October 18, 2013

Return to Me

It hangs there
three buttons
classic cut
black on black

transported to a time gone by
despite the pesky yellow florescents
I smiled at the new me
while a radiance reflected back
a twinkle in my eye

he was the furthest away any person could be
or so it seemed from my post on this pedestal
frozen adventures and a new love
occupying his space, his time

as here I stood delightedly
three buttons
classic cut
black on black
risky business on my mind

surging into unmapped expanses
my mind wandering forward
imagination running wildly unfettered
all I wanted would simply be

doubt afforded no license whatsoever
and hopes ...
hopes gushed over my palms like waterfalls of petals
too many to grasp
too beautiful to restrain

why bother storing up each precious droplet
who needs a reservoir when rivers and oceans exist 
no I, I'd allow floodgates of promise to open wide
releasing potential to discover and experience unhindered

I wondered if he'd see me now
but, sending double glances in my own direction, sight I gained
three buttons
classic cut
black on black

no use looking behind
this luminous future bright, ahead
and I, a girl no longer, abandoned home
so I might become ...

three buttons
classic cut
black on black
now only to gain this piece of her back
this would be something indeed.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Beyond Winter

 Today I've been wondering what it means for me to pursue beauty in the context of my life. Moving into a new place recently, all I've been thinking about when it comes to home life is how to bring order to it and cultivate an environment where people feel welcomed and even inspired. I've been absolutely energized by this place and the possibilities I see here. From the moment I viewed it, I couldn't stop thinking about how to make it special. It has a great foundation--all I have to do is build on it and highlight the best features.

There has been a lot of talk about the idea that I'm entering a new season. God has been speaking it to me for months and now He has other people joining the dialogue, affirming what He has said. This winter I've been in has been so very long. I've had glimpses of spring here and there for a number of years -- some of the glimpses have seemed to last, but when the winter has folded in again (like a good Colorado 'spring' snow), I've found myself discouraged bordering on despair. "You must not be hearing right..." or "You're not doing this right..." So much of what I've written recently contributes to these notions. As I said before, I'm pointed back to my true identity in Jesus and the idols I fall for, like control in relationships and work.

But you know, I think the Lord sees possibilities much like I see them in my new home. I think He sees blossoms when I wonder about the impending spring storm that reminds me it's not really spring after all... I want to believe Him. I want the newness and the freshness of Spring. I want those blossoms and the hope of new life forming and bursting up from soil which has rested in preparation for a new season throughout a seemingly unending New England winter. (Hey, why not draw both into this story? I've lived them both, after all...)

To be honest, I don't see many places to cultivate beauty in my current reality. When I've tried, the brakes have been applied from outside and inside sources. The way I offer it hasn't seemed to be desired and I haven't been able to figure out how to offer it in a different way. And I've been trying to fit a mold. I've been offering myself in a way where I seek permission to do what I sense I should do and it feels wretched. I think much of it is my own perspective. I cannot seem to see things as they actually might be... I feel chained to unseen obligations which are likely rooted in other places in my story. But I look at the reality of how I'm living and I don't think I can do it anymore because this desire for beauty is pulling me apart at the seams. It sounds terrible writing it that way--painful--but I think it's actually good. I want to live from a whole heart and I need to decide what's really going on in there so I can get to the place where I offer it! Frankly, all in all, I'm really the one holding myself back. I can look around and point my finger, but at the end of the day I'm making these choices. Ultimately, I point at myself... It's my responsibility to live my life.

It's enough. I'm tired of making excuses, trying to be 'what I should be' or trying not to be what I 'should not be'... I'm tired of my joy being gone. It has been missing for quite some time. And the Lord is inviting me to live in light of the joy of my salvation again. This beautiful thing He has done -- restored me to relationship! I get to live from this glorious and free and whole place. And with His help I've got to sort out what that means for my day-to-day so I can cease living under the heavy things I allow myself to stay under.

Today He reminded me of a place He took me five years ago... 

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”

I keep running back to the place where I allow things to be put on me which feel heavy and ill-fitting. Many times I stick them on my own back! I just picture the Lord kindly shaking His head at me saying, "Jessica, you don't have to live there... remember?" But it's so comfortable... It's so known. By His grace I've come so far. I still have so much room to grow. And yes, I'm afraid.

So today, I just keep thinking, "Grow. Go beyond everything you've ever known and held onto in this life. Surprise yourself by walking in light of how brave you actually are. Go after the beautiful things He has placed in your heart even when you don't know how the journey goes. Take a step. Breathe in the air... The winter has gone... It's SPRING."

Saturday, October 12, 2013

I Think I'm Just Afraid

My own words have been reverberating in my mind over the past few days from my last two posts. I've sat with them, reread them, and considered the weightiness of the emotion in them. Pain is never pretty. It's messy, uncomfortable and, to use a newly familiar word, ugly.

What to do with it?

I think I'm hurting because I don't know how to be willing to expose myself more than I already have. My imagination runs wild with possible outcomes of how it goes if I really say what I probably need to say, even in a different way, for the first time or once again. I'm weary from not feeling heard and understood. I'm exhausted from not feeling seen and invited. I don't want to demand or fight for these things. I don't want to be 'that girl'. I don't want to be too much. I don't want to wonder if they'll care. And, I certainly don't want my worst fears confirmed... That they actually don't care after all.

Because, if that's the case, what then? Strangely, and given all of what I've written this will sound strange... I know I'll be okay. My identity is secure. So what then is the actual issue?

I think it's that I'll need to move on into uncharted territory. New friendships. New work possibilities or a new way of viewing the current reality. I'll move into freedom in a way which feels frightening.

And if they do care? I'll move into deeper relationship in a way I haven't in quite a long while with people who are newer to me in that way. I risk exposing more and being profoundly rejected in the future.

Either way, something or some things will change. I'm not in control. This is the problem -- the illusion of control offers meaning and power to me. Even if it is completely devoid of actual substance and truth. Idolatry at its best, yes?

The reality is, I am incapable of doing what I need to do on my own. So this is the moment when I look beyond every piece of it and pray, "Abba, Oh Abba, be near..."

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Pressing In and On

I've never been part of a team where I found myself disagreeing so strongly with certain philosophical perspectives when it comes to the very idea of just that: 'team'. The past two years have been a testament to God's commitment to my maturity and growth because more than any one thing I've encountered in this transition, this specific topic hits a very tender place in my heart each and every time it's on the table for discussion. Recently, I've noticed again how pancake thin my patience has grown with the way I experience team in this new season.

It's certainly not new that it's hard -- I think I've simply arrived at a place where I'm voicing it strongly again and part of that feels ugly because it is. I feel like I'm demanding my perspective in the process instead of extending invitations for what I see to be acknowledged and prayerfully, understood. "The way we operate doesn't line up with values we say we have," I've thought and said. But then, valuing relationship never made it to our values list until recently. Why should I be surprised? The ideal and the real intersect in a way where I don't see them aligning and I feel regularly frustrated in my experience.

My responses have varied: voice it, be angry about it, tell yourself it's not important, grieve it, isolate yourself -- they don't care anyway, you're on your own here so 'team' doesn't even matter. I see people leaving us and I look at those scenarios and the conversations I've had there and connect the dots back to relationship and/or the lack thereof. I've thought about it, too... Leaving, I mean. Part of what keeps me here isn't wholehearted devotion, but more of a perspective of, "I don't want them to think I didn't have what it took to live in this environment. I can do it. I can be like them."

The truth is, I can't. Nor do I desire to model what I experience regularly. I want to forge a different path.

I've been trying not to care. I've been trying to say it doesn't matter. But, it does--to me. And, I feel at a loss. I sense I'm supposed to be here, so I stay. In weeks like these, I wonder how long this determination will last. I'm freshly tired in it. 

The thing is, I know I give more when I feel seen and cared about as person. I know what I'm capable of when relationship is truly the foundation and when trust is real. When we remind each other of what we're going after and we help each other get there. In my experience, those moments are few and far between.

All of that said, there is one friendship I have in many of the circles I work in where I do experience these things and in that case, I move forward into greater fruitfulness. I'm so, so thankful for this piece of my current reality because honestly, without it, I don't think I could have stayed in it as long as I have. I'm also thankful because this friend isn't afraid to tell me the truth about my ugly, but sits in the story with me and helps me to see beyond it. It's a lifeline for me as I walk through my feelings about this area again.

Most days this doesn't feel as big as it feels today. I do see the Lord working. I do see my heart changing and my perspectives broadening. And, I'm grateful for the pain because it points me back to Jesus with my wants and desires and needs. That's good and I'm grateful. I think I just wish, well, I don't know... I think I just wish I didn't feel like a fish swimming the other direction from all of the other fish all of the time. (Not that they're all swimming in a different direction, I suppose. It just feels like that most days.)

I think what I long for is fairly simple, but it really isn't simple here. It's continually a place of struggle and I wonder what the Lord wants to do about it. For my part in it, I think I need to keep offering relationship by refusing to give up and/or checking out emotionally. I don't know how to do this well right now, so if you're reading this and you're a person of prayer I'd really appreciate some prayer. I want to love well, but don't think I'm doing so well at it at the moment. I think I'm demanding things that people are not capable of giving. Instead of holding those things over them, I need to continually release them into their perspectives and continue to move forward in my own. Perhaps this is a path forward...

Tuesday, October 08, 2013

Heartache ...

A few months ago, I wrapped up a season in counseling. There were many reasons I sensed God inviting me into it and coming through it, I look back with gratitude for the awareness He gave to me in the process and the transformation He continues to bring to me as a result of 'choosing in'. One of the most challenging things my counselor offered came in the final moments of my last appointment, "This is not the end of heartache for you, Jessica."

His words struck a deep chord within me because I knew he spoke the truth. And in my life there have been heartaches. Many, many, many, many heartaches.

Tonight I haven't been able to sleep. The rain is keeping me company as my thoughts swirl about and continue to land on a deep sadness I feel regarding my friendships right now. A couple years ago, I felt so connected to the people in my community. I felt desired and included and appreciated. People seemed to want to be my friends and made time to know me and I them. Invitations were extended and received. I began to come to life in a way I hadn't in a very long while and it was noticeable to those who had been journeying with me for years.

Lately, I honestly feel pretty invisible in the same community I felt so loved by not long ago. I wonder if it's me. Did I do something wrong? Am I too much? Perhaps the newness of my presence wore off and I'm just not so interesting after all? If I've learned anything this year (again), it's how my identity and worth aren't based on the answers to these questions. Yet, I struggle through them to come back to the truth of who the Lord says I am and the value He ascribes to me.

Still, most of me desires to throw in the towel and affirm what I regularly experience with a grim, "It is what it is," sort of mentality. But, I think the Lord invites me to continue on a harder path -- to stay present. I think the Lord wants me to continue to invite. He wants me to actively love people in the way I was made to love them. No strings attached. Right now this feels impossible.

And tonight as I continued to toss and turn, I remembered the handful of wonderful people in my life who regularly show their love and care. Women my age who take the time to know me and invest in me. These friends who call and text and email and want to spend time with me. I think I just wish they were all connected somehow... There's no real 'group' I belong to and it feels hard. My heart aches, actually.

I'm regularly at a loss in this present heartache, but have a feeling the Lord intends for me to find Him once again in this place. So I ask, "Lord, Who are You here?" I imagine, as my counselor wisely offered, this too will not be the last of heartache for me. As I grieve the loss of what I hoped it would be I pray: Lord, lead me to a place where, in the face of heartache, I delve even more deeply into JOY.

Sunday, October 06, 2013

Putting on My Party Dress

My new house is still in chaos; furniture needs to be found, boxes need unpacking, and small things need places to rest. I did my best today to make progress, pressing through a desire to give up when I wasn't sure which thing to do next. I forced my way out of the house at one point, roommate in tow, to look at a possible buffet that might work for the living room. It didn't, but the break was welcome. I was thankful to get out of the house even if it meant I did so in workout gear.

Then I had somewhere to be tonight. My friend instructed those on the guest list to put on our 'party dresses' so we could celebrate in style. (YES.) Running around the house, I somehow found my way into make-up and heels. What a difference! I looked like another person... Trust me, it was good. You would have wanted me to look like another person. I promise.

Arriving at the birthday celebration for my LOVELY friend, Amanda, I discovered this enchanting backyard scene! We ate and laughed and even shed a few tears under delightful lights twinkling above while cool air enveloped us (a treat for Floridians in October!). In typical form, she took the opportunity to celebrate US. What in the world?... Her birthday celebration turned into a time of gratitude for her friends. I learn so much from the way she loves and cherishes those in her life. It was really special. I kept thinking, "I'm so glad I GET to know her..." Truly.

Driving home, I reflected again on the newest blessings in my life. I cannot express how grateful I feel to be living in the city once again. Pinch me! I feel like I'm dreaming. Seriously. My mind wandered back to the wonderful time with my friend and those she invited to her party. I just felt so humbled to be included and cherished tonight. What a gift... And, walking back into my house I found it as I left it--undone. Really, it's a blessing though. My imagination has gone absolutely wild in this new place with the possibilities of what it will become. I'm dreaming and designing in my mind and it's just so stinkin' fun. I feel alive in a fresh way. It's like joy is returning to me. I don't know where it went and honestly, I don't know how long it has been put away from me, but I feel it coming back to me.

Amanda talked a lot about gratitude tonight. I appreciate her example. She reminded me to take stock of the things I am profoundly grateful for and celebrate them. It was a good way to spend a Saturday night.