Pressing In and On

I've never been part of a team where I found myself disagreeing so strongly with certain philosophical perspectives when it comes to the very idea of just that: 'team'. The past two years have been a testament to God's commitment to my maturity and growth because more than any one thing I've encountered in this transition, this specific topic hits a very tender place in my heart each and every time it's on the table for discussion. Recently, I've noticed again how pancake thin my patience has grown with the way I experience team in this new season.

It's certainly not new that it's hard -- I think I've simply arrived at a place where I'm voicing it strongly again and part of that feels ugly because it is. I feel like I'm demanding my perspective in the process instead of extending invitations for what I see to be acknowledged and prayerfully, understood. "The way we operate doesn't line up with values we say we have," I've thought and said. But then, valuing relationship never made it to our values list until recently. Why should I be surprised? The ideal and the real intersect in a way where I don't see them aligning and I feel regularly frustrated in my experience.

My responses have varied: voice it, be angry about it, tell yourself it's not important, grieve it, isolate yourself -- they don't care anyway, you're on your own here so 'team' doesn't even matter. I see people leaving us and I look at those scenarios and the conversations I've had there and connect the dots back to relationship and/or the lack thereof. I've thought about it, too... Leaving, I mean. Part of what keeps me here isn't wholehearted devotion, but more of a perspective of, "I don't want them to think I didn't have what it took to live in this environment. I can do it. I can be like them."

The truth is, I can't. Nor do I desire to model what I experience regularly. I want to forge a different path.

I've been trying not to care. I've been trying to say it doesn't matter. But, it does--to me. And, I feel at a loss. I sense I'm supposed to be here, so I stay. In weeks like these, I wonder how long this determination will last. I'm freshly tired in it. 

The thing is, I know I give more when I feel seen and cared about as person. I know what I'm capable of when relationship is truly the foundation and when trust is real. When we remind each other of what we're going after and we help each other get there. In my experience, those moments are few and far between.

All of that said, there is one friendship I have in many of the circles I work in where I do experience these things and in that case, I move forward into greater fruitfulness. I'm so, so thankful for this piece of my current reality because honestly, without it, I don't think I could have stayed in it as long as I have. I'm also thankful because this friend isn't afraid to tell me the truth about my ugly, but sits in the story with me and helps me to see beyond it. It's a lifeline for me as I walk through my feelings about this area again.

Most days this doesn't feel as big as it feels today. I do see the Lord working. I do see my heart changing and my perspectives broadening. And, I'm grateful for the pain because it points me back to Jesus with my wants and desires and needs. That's good and I'm grateful. I think I just wish, well, I don't know... I think I just wish I didn't feel like a fish swimming the other direction from all of the other fish all of the time. (Not that they're all swimming in a different direction, I suppose. It just feels like that most days.)

I think what I long for is fairly simple, but it really isn't simple here. It's continually a place of struggle and I wonder what the Lord wants to do about it. For my part in it, I think I need to keep offering relationship by refusing to give up and/or checking out emotionally. I don't know how to do this well right now, so if you're reading this and you're a person of prayer I'd really appreciate some prayer. I want to love well, but don't think I'm doing so well at it at the moment. I think I'm demanding things that people are not capable of giving. Instead of holding those things over them, I need to continually release them into their perspectives and continue to move forward in my own. Perhaps this is a path forward...