Heartache ...

A few months ago, I wrapped up a season in counseling. There were many reasons I sensed God inviting me into it and coming through it, I look back with gratitude for the awareness He gave to me in the process and the transformation He continues to bring to me as a result of 'choosing in'. One of the most challenging things my counselor offered came in the final moments of my last appointment, "This is not the end of heartache for you, Jessica."

His words struck a deep chord within me because I knew he spoke the truth. And in my life there have been heartaches. Many, many, many, many heartaches.

Tonight I haven't been able to sleep. The rain is keeping me company as my thoughts swirl about and continue to land on a deep sadness I feel regarding my friendships right now. A couple years ago, I felt so connected to the people in my community. I felt desired and included and appreciated. People seemed to want to be my friends and made time to know me and I them. Invitations were extended and received. I began to come to life in a way I hadn't in a very long while and it was noticeable to those who had been journeying with me for years.

Lately, I honestly feel pretty invisible in the same community I felt so loved by not long ago. I wonder if it's me. Did I do something wrong? Am I too much? Perhaps the newness of my presence wore off and I'm just not so interesting after all? If I've learned anything this year (again), it's how my identity and worth aren't based on the answers to these questions. Yet, I struggle through them to come back to the truth of who the Lord says I am and the value He ascribes to me.

Still, most of me desires to throw in the towel and affirm what I regularly experience with a grim, "It is what it is," sort of mentality. But, I think the Lord invites me to continue on a harder path -- to stay present. I think the Lord wants me to continue to invite. He wants me to actively love people in the way I was made to love them. No strings attached. Right now this feels impossible.

And tonight as I continued to toss and turn, I remembered the handful of wonderful people in my life who regularly show their love and care. Women my age who take the time to know me and invest in me. These friends who call and text and email and want to spend time with me. I think I just wish they were all connected somehow... There's no real 'group' I belong to and it feels hard. My heart aches, actually.

I'm regularly at a loss in this present heartache, but have a feeling the Lord intends for me to find Him once again in this place. So I ask, "Lord, Who are You here?" I imagine, as my counselor wisely offered, this too will not be the last of heartache for me. As I grieve the loss of what I hoped it would be I pray: Lord, lead me to a place where, in the face of heartache, I delve even more deeply into JOY.