The Ants Go Marching One by One--No Hurrah Here

There are ants all over the townhouse I'm staying at for the first part of my summer. I discovered them the other day when a few of them determined to bite my ankle. So, I did what any new resident without proper resources would do: I sprayed some kitchen cleaner on the ones I could see and called it good for the night. I couldn't get over how small and seemingly harmless they appeared; I now beg to differ. 

Sadly, this didn't solve the issue as I awoke the next morning and sleepily, not to mention contact-and-glasses-free, made my way into the kitchen to make coffee. They'd thrown a party in the middle of the floor--thank the Lord I actually saw them! Probably 75-100 new little friends blocked my way from sink to counter. This sent me into a cleaning frenzy and I quickly vacuumed them up (more humane?) and proceeded to do the same to all of the tile floors to ensure no crumb was left to be discovered by any of their relatives.

Have I mentioned that I'm in the middle of a huge transition? Exhausted? Wondering how my new full-time life here in Florida is going to turn out especially as most of my friends are not here at present? Living out of boxes and suitcases?

Later that day, more ants. This time upstairs in the master bath. You'd think I'd head directly to the store and buy the Ortho, but no, I kept doing it 'my way' (mostly because I couldn't find the energy to deal). Big surprise: it hasn't worked. Regardless of how many ants I squash, spray with one version of household cleaner or another and even yes, in my weak moments, curse them, they've determined to stay put. In fact, late this afternoon, I was hastily getting ready for my small group and happened to notice bunches (!!!) of them in the master bedroom on the carpet and on the nightstand. Needless to say, I was late.

So tonight, I popped into Publix in Thorton Park after my small group ended. Knowing that even a small taste of the city would give my spirit some lift, I enjoyed the fleeting minutes I spent searching for the right tools to take care of my new roommates. Then, I headed far away from the city toward my home of the next weeks and yep, I cried.

Do you ever feel like the last straw has been pulled for you and you're totally out of control? This would be me at the moment.

Thankfully, I came home to a friend who listened to me rant about the day for a few minutes before I began spraying Ortho like a lunatic and strategically setting up ant traps. It was extremely cathartic. The point? Well, I'm still trying to figure that out, but somehow I think it has something to do with what I do when I reach the end of myself. Not that there's a lesson to be had in everything, but these ants have been a great reminder that I'm in need of mercy and grace as I move through this transition. They're sort-of representative of the chaos that exists inside me and how it keeps showing up in new and unexpected places. Though it's annoying and frustrating I guess I'm trying to make the best of it, doing what I can as I'm able. 

Generosity: Not for the Stingy of Heart

What would be generous?

Four simple words mobbed with meaning. It's a question I've begun asking myself recently and I'm finding it to be quite the challenge. Last week my roommates and I were packing up our apartment; I noticed that things were moving slowly. There came a moment when it hit me that we'd never be out on time unless I picked up my pace in order to be available to clean once my belongings were safely stowed. So, I did.

The next day, I finished and cleaned my room then turned my attention to the common spaces. I was in the middle of clearing and wiping out our kitchen cabinets when a wave of bitterness began to rise. Thoughts like, "I knew this would happen," and "They don't even care that I am stepping in to do more,"  raced through my mind. Standing over the kitchen sink, I allowed my rantings to continue and quietly, I heard Him... "You don't have to do all of this, you're choosing to..."

I stopped in my tracks as the warm water washed over my hands... Heart surgery. I argued that I did need to do this - we'd never be done on time. I was thinking of the people responsible for checking on our apartment to ensure it was left as required. They already had so much on their plates without our lack of care or concern about their work to get everyone out on time. I didn't want to take advantage.

Next I began to think about the way I communicate a high value on generosity in all aspects of my life. Wouldn't it be generous to clean our apartment to bless my roommates? That would certainly show kindness and love as they only had a few hours left to move their belongings. Was it really so hard for me to clean? After all, I love to clean! (Really, I am that person.)

God, in His goodness, also reminded me in those moments that being generous outwardly did not change the reality of what He saw and experienced in my heart. Oh, stingy, stingy heart. He, as He always is, was right. Generosity doesn't depend upon my outward deeds, but pours out through a heart that is in right relationship with Him.

Relationship. Yes, that's what this is all about, isn't it?

Not only were my relationships with my roommates (as an aside: roommates whom I completely adore!) affected by what was taking place in my inner life, but also my relationship with God. The One who spared nothing, including His Son, that I might be free and have life!! SUCH generosity! Who was I to withhold this very minuscule act of generosity through a growing inward bitterness?

Both roommates later told me how grateful they were for the extra work I did to get us out of that apartment. The sweetness of their gratitude fell heavy upon my heart as I considered what had taken place between the Lord and I. It has been another good picture of the need I have for the Gospel and the mercy of God.

What does it mean to walk in generosity in my finances, work, service, relationships, with my belongings, time, gifts and beyond? 

May I have a growing awareness that God has given me everything and I now have the opportunity to employ my freedom as a blessing to others. Inwardly, I choose to give it all away. Outwardly, I do. 

How can I live out His generosity today?

Beyond Stint

Sitting in my half-empty room today, I'm thinking about transitions. My life has been full of them this year. Stint is officially over, the safety net gone, the apartment will be a distant memory beginning tomorrow and then what? I suppose I'll begin the process of actually adjusting to my new life. Well, maybe Saturday.

Like the Orlando nights filled with thick humidity-fog (I've never actually heard it called that, but I think I'll use it), I peer beyond the darkness and find the Lord opening new doors of promise up ahead. I'm waiting in anticipation and yet, I'm still very tired. I imagine the weariness will follow me around for a while longer to remind me that it is good to live at rest, walk at rest, work at rest. So Jesus, I am resting, resting...

Something I don't wish to pack away in any of these boxes is the brightness of my time with Him this year. I didn't want to forget from whence I came; today, I've turned my attention to remembering Him. Pray that I faithfully trust Him, look to Him, depend upon Him, long for Him and love Him. He is nearer, dearer and sweeter...

The Post to Help Me Remember Matthew 11:28-30

Lake Hart Stint 11 ends in a couple of weeks. This reality is exhilarating and simultaneously disconcerting. There has been a safety net beneath me for nearly ten months as I have processed my life openly before God and a few close friends. The process has been painful and sweet, yet an enormous amount of grace has been shown to me. Looking back on these months, friends tell me that they experience me differently... in a good way. I cannot feel anything but gratitude to the Lord for bringing me to the other side of what I've just been through. Deep places of need have surfaced and He tells me to rest as today I wonder: Will the changes remain?

In light of that, I felt that I needed to publish a poem here to remind myself that I do not want to return from whence I came. Regardless of who reads this blog, I find that putting this out there publicly serves as a help to continue to trust God with next growth steps. Interestingly enough, I wrote this on September 30, 2008. I think it was one of the catalysts for me to begin to see what was really going on inside. At that time, I could not have imagined how God would meet me, but He has in ways that have been profound and significant. He is truly good.

And, you can ask me how I'm doing if you want... I'm open to people coming alongside me as I step into my new role and season of life with the Lord and others here in Orlando: resting, listening, receiving, responding and giving.

Losing Sight

Running, I'm running
Running my course
A treadmill unending, lacking refuge

One day I realize
I'm sick of my game
Losing capacity; my sense:
'All is in vain'

Wondering:
What's next?...
How can I get off?...
-Of this traveling treadmill-
When is my stop?

I've sought their approval
I've established my name
I'm weary, so tired
it is such a shame
Motivation is gone
Lights' drained from my eyes
Can anyone sense I'm dying inside?

Running, I'm running
Running my course...
I've completely lost sight of my life-giving Source.