Promises, Promises

I was reading Hebrews 11 the other day.... The Hall of Faith. It struck me again, as it always seems to do, that those mentioned believed God. Most never saw the Promise fulfilled, but they believed Him for it anyway. Driving through a horrible storm last weekend, I reflected on the quickly changing circumstances of life. We really don't know what our days or our tomorrows hold. But, He does. I've rested in that reality for months now and here He has me, sitting with the truth again.

On the drive, the storm finally passed and there they were--two rainbows brilliantly displayed across the sky. I remember saying, "You keep Your promises; You keep Your promises." Tears filled my eyes as I reflected on a prayer a friend prayed over me in early June before I left for my summer assignment. Not knowing why, she asked God to fulfill the promises He had given me. Her prayer struck a deep chord and I cried. I told her, "That's so in line with what He's been asking me to trust Him with again--thank you for listening and praying that for me."

Honestly, I've allowed that 'thing' -- remembering what He wants me to remember -- to fall to the wayside this summer. He provided a storm and a double rainbow (not to mention a Journey song playing on the radio in that *very* moment-- "Don't Stop Believing'" -- it likely sounds so silly, but a dear friend of mine declared that as our theme song this spring for a number of reasons...) to remind me that I'm supposed to remember. He wants me, in the same way as those people in the Hall of Faith, to believe Him.

Why is it so hard to do?

None of those individuals were able to choose the outcome of their belief. They were simply faithful in their belief.

Period.

I'm struck by their, well, for lack of a better word, FAITH.

So here I am in Colorado waiting on Him, trying not to push the hard things away, listening, remaining hopeful, seeking to be open, and believing that He keeps His promises.

Summer Night Reflections in Colorado

Were it not for grace
I'd walk in vain

Were it not for hope
I'd think this was Home

Were it not for love
I'd stay the same

Praise God Who IS
I'm not alone

I Almost Gave In Today...

There have been subtle moments over this past week that have brought me back to the place of proof.

"Provide proof that you're worth it."

"Provide proof that you know what you're doing."

"Provide proof that you have something to offer."

"Provide proof that being where you're at in the process is enough."

"Provide proof that you're in this with them."

I feel taxed reading that list. These are the messages--in my head and in my heart. Something inside of me stirs in the reading, hearing, living of these things--weariness. Each sentence loads another baggage of burden on this back of mine that's still in route to healing. Internally, the weight crushes my hope and I loose my ability to really see under this pressure. And, I almost decided to be blinded by these fiery darts today.

Sitting in a meeting this afternoon, I felt my heart waver as the load increased. I wanted to flee. I literally imagined myself running from the room. My face fell and I could feel it happening. I felt unseen, disconnected and wondered why I was there. Then I saw it--I understood what was happening to me. I prayed.

"God, this is the me from a short while ago. I know that I'm Yours. I know that I'm loved. I know that I don't have anything to prove here. And, it doesn't matter what is seen... I know I belong to You."

I'd like to say that I felt complete freedom, but I didn't. A minute later, however, someone spoke up and brought me in to the conversation. Kindness. Grace. Mercy for the moment. Yet, it was very hard to receive. Unknowingly, almost absently, I had already maneuvered myself away; the walls came up instinctively.

And now I sit here, recognizing it. I've actually been positioned under these statements as they've been building, one upon the other, for seven days. In a way, I have bought in, but there's a gift in here to be realized... I saw it today. I understood. The scales fell. I asked for help. He provided a piece of grace. And then, with fresh eyes, looked back on the burdens of the week and 'got it'. 

I Came Home Today...

Never could I have imagined the way that this place, my current hometown, might have weaseled its way into my heart. In fact, just a couple of weeks ago, my parents reminded me of my attitude toward the place when I was newly a 'resident' (I put that in quotes given my thinking that this was only a 10-month assignment away). Dislike would be a generous way of saying what I communicated to them during that season. And, funny enough, I don't even recall what I felt or thought at the time. I was angry at the world back then.

Today, having been working on location for almost a month, I felt almost giddy arriving at the airport. My flight was delayed (isn't that how it should go) and my anticipation of stepping onto the soil of what I like to term my "tropical" homeland grew. How I've missed it! Not just 'it', I suppose, but them, too. I've missed my friends, my house, neighborhood, routine and even that heavy, humid air. Longing has replaced my groaning for direction and clarity--desire to be here, fully present in my life in this way. I mean, I was excited driving on the tollways for goodness sake!
 
Equipped with only a few days before I fly back to my work, I plan to soak this up and rest in the present reality that I'm loving my life these days. The funny thing is, it's so unexpected to relish it as I do, but at the same time, it seems to make perfect sense. Like most humans, I imagine that I don't really understand what it is that I need, yet here I am, living in the midst of what I need. Leaving it again will likely serve only to increase my appreciation. What a sweet, sweet gift He's given me in this life...