I Almost Gave In Today...

There have been subtle moments over this past week that have brought me back to the place of proof.

"Provide proof that you're worth it."

"Provide proof that you know what you're doing."

"Provide proof that you have something to offer."

"Provide proof that being where you're at in the process is enough."

"Provide proof that you're in this with them."

I feel taxed reading that list. These are the messages--in my head and in my heart. Something inside of me stirs in the reading, hearing, living of these things--weariness. Each sentence loads another baggage of burden on this back of mine that's still in route to healing. Internally, the weight crushes my hope and I loose my ability to really see under this pressure. And, I almost decided to be blinded by these fiery darts today.

Sitting in a meeting this afternoon, I felt my heart waver as the load increased. I wanted to flee. I literally imagined myself running from the room. My face fell and I could feel it happening. I felt unseen, disconnected and wondered why I was there. Then I saw it--I understood what was happening to me. I prayed.

"God, this is the me from a short while ago. I know that I'm Yours. I know that I'm loved. I know that I don't have anything to prove here. And, it doesn't matter what is seen... I know I belong to You."

I'd like to say that I felt complete freedom, but I didn't. A minute later, however, someone spoke up and brought me in to the conversation. Kindness. Grace. Mercy for the moment. Yet, it was very hard to receive. Unknowingly, almost absently, I had already maneuvered myself away; the walls came up instinctively.

And now I sit here, recognizing it. I've actually been positioned under these statements as they've been building, one upon the other, for seven days. In a way, I have bought in, but there's a gift in here to be realized... I saw it today. I understood. The scales fell. I asked for help. He provided a piece of grace. And then, with fresh eyes, looked back on the burdens of the week and 'got it'.