Love Lavishly!!

I've been thinking a lot this last week about my most recent post. I faced my own words about throwing off those perceptions and moving forward in faith with honesty and realized I was actually on the fence about following through. As I investigated what was behind all of it, I saw that I did not believe it was possible to do so--that was hard to see in myself. The idea of throwing those perceptions off has been a point of contention for me since. What would it look like? What would it mean?

Going back to my own motivations, I understood that part of me wanted to allow a wall to remain so I would not have to risk and be hurt again. Again. Sometimes that feels like the story of my life, but I realize that it's such a small story to live out in this life. And, my story is part of a much grander and exceptionally beautiful narrative, so why would I allow this tiny thing to have lasting influence?

I talked about love in the last post, too. I know it is the tool, the sword, to combat what I've been facing. Part of me has felt like it's too heavy to pick up, too cumbersome to hold. That's the lie. It feels heavy because it's contrary to what the world wants me to do and I'm loaded down with those images, words, ways of operating--love feels so raw, so unfamiliar, so risky.

And the truth is that it is... It's all of those things, but His Kingdom is built on that foundation. It's contrary to the old life, the old me. I'm still learning to receive it. How do I offer it while I'm still in school trying to figure out how to let it in? But I realize, we learn so much better by experience... These experiences are helping me on both fronts; so I receive it and I learn to offer it. I love lavishly because I am lavishly loved.

Love is the reality that grounds these feet that want to run away. It holds them in place and invites me to stay (all of me). Love allows me the freedom to be myself and live from that place--truly throwing off those perceptions and living as freely as I did before they were brought to my attention. The perceptions are not my guide on to how to behave. Love is. He is. We love because He first loved us.

Perceptions

There have been moments over the past few days when I've felt a sadness fall over me. I've been asking for clarity as to it's cause because honestly, life has been sweet this past week. What I realized is that a good friendship has recently had to shift due to the perceptions of others and the meaning they, and yes, even my friend, assigned to my actions without asking me about my actual intentions. The process was hurtful, but in the end, my friend and I reconciled and came to clarity on what was most important. I'm very thankful for all of that.

So why the sadness?

First, because of all of this, my friendship has changed with that person. While there is merit in it changing due to these perceptions, something has been lost in the process. By nature, I'm a physically affectionate person with those I care about and I also seek to lavish my friends with verbal encouragement when I'm in their presence and when I am not. It's a joy for me to notice them and highlight things I enjoy, admire and appreciate about them.

I can no longer freely offer these things to this friend. I feel shackled (I'm choosing that, actually). I know our friendship can continue without these things being present in certain ways, but I don't feel freedom to be myself--that feels significant. I've increased in my awareness of our interactions and have even greater boundaries than I did before. I feel like I'm constantly editing myself--That makes me sad.

Second, regardless of the motives of the individuals who approached my friend, they were actually asking me to change and lacked the courage to bring it to be personally; instead, they relied on our mutual friend to handle their thoughts on the matter. I've been asked to change a lot over the years. Some people have held open disdain for me and while that's pretty hurtful, this feels worse.

Personally, I've never intentionally sought someone out to speak to them about another person without a motive. I could list for you the times I have done this and the reasons behind it because even if I communicated something 'spur of the moment', I had thought about that thing or that person for quite some time. And, if I'm honest I was always motivated by fear, jealously, envy or competition in circumstances like this one.

In this process, my friend assumed I was concerned about my reputation. While for me, the larger point was wondering what motivated these individuals to offer their perceptions in the first place. I think I value honesty so severely in my life and it bothered me not only that they made assumptions about me, but they routed their perceptions along a course that avoided dealing with me themselves. I offer forgiveness to these individuals without knowing who they are. Yet, I don't hold respect for them. This, too, makes me sad.

What do I take from all of this? Love.

God calls me to love. He calls me to trust Him for the forward steps in my friendship when I feel uncertain how to navigate it. He calls me to trust that He will speak what is true to everyone involved. He calls me to live in such a way that I would honor people in the future and always check my motives before acting. He calls me to continue to live a life of vulnerability, honesty and risk--even when that means facing rejection. He invites me to remember what is true and reminds me that He will change me in the areas that require it. Simply, I need to continue to posture myself in humility and surrender before Him and others. He will handle the rest.

So tonight I shake off these perceptions and once again, move forward in faith.

Urging it to Burn

Everywhere I've gone the past two weeks, people have gone out of their way to tell me how great I look. Honestly, I have no idea what they're seeing, but apparently it has been noticeable. And tonight, as I skimmed posts I've written over these past few months, I understood once again that God has been at work bringing redemption to me.

To run or to stay? This seems to be the most dominant theme playing out in my life right now. In a way, I've been bumping into my own issues again and again and again. I want to escape from them, but living life in community prevents me from doing so, I guess. Life has been characterized by one emotional land mine after another blowing up in my face since December, and I've been left to piece together what set each off in the first place.

What's funny in all of it though is that I've seen a spark light up inside of me in this process. This sort-of flame that was blown out a long time ago has been relit and I think I'm fanning it now... I'm urging it to burn.

Where people have spoken harmful things, I'm believing the truth and separating myself from their commentaries. When I have felt uncertain of what the best next step is I've rested, prayed and taken time not to act. Sure, I've been sad about some things, I've been wounded and some days, I haven't chosen to believe the truth. But, in all of it I've recognized that if God is really good--I mean, really, exceptionally good--and goodness is inseparable from who He is, then I don't need to sweat this stuff or these people or these circumstances.

Though, I don't dismiss them either. I take everything to Him and let Him inform the good that I need to hang onto. Still, the rest goes--like garbage that I drop at the curb and forget about completely.

I think that's where forgiveness comes in--I release it, let it go and do that over and over again until I forget to remember it or talk about it with such ease and a smile, remembering the hardship of the time, but the sweetness of the days that followed it more--this is the best choice for everyone involved; me included. It doesn't mean that I haven't had to move through the stuff to arrive at the place where I leave it at the curb. I suppose that's why it has been messy and draining.

And I guess that's why I'm surprised at these recent reactions--so here I've been with tunnel-vision, fighting my way through another war and all the while people in and around my life are witnessing beauty. I just don't know how He does it. Regardless, I think I should keep fanning this flame.