Perceptions

There have been moments over the past few days when I've felt a sadness fall over me. I've been asking for clarity as to it's cause because honestly, life has been sweet this past week. What I realized is that a good friendship has recently had to shift due to the perceptions of others and the meaning they, and yes, even my friend, assigned to my actions without asking me about my actual intentions. The process was hurtful, but in the end, my friend and I reconciled and came to clarity on what was most important. I'm very thankful for all of that.

So why the sadness?

First, because of all of this, my friendship has changed with that person. While there is merit in it changing due to these perceptions, something has been lost in the process. By nature, I'm a physically affectionate person with those I care about and I also seek to lavish my friends with verbal encouragement when I'm in their presence and when I am not. It's a joy for me to notice them and highlight things I enjoy, admire and appreciate about them.

I can no longer freely offer these things to this friend. I feel shackled (I'm choosing that, actually). I know our friendship can continue without these things being present in certain ways, but I don't feel freedom to be myself--that feels significant. I've increased in my awareness of our interactions and have even greater boundaries than I did before. I feel like I'm constantly editing myself--That makes me sad.

Second, regardless of the motives of the individuals who approached my friend, they were actually asking me to change and lacked the courage to bring it to be personally; instead, they relied on our mutual friend to handle their thoughts on the matter. I've been asked to change a lot over the years. Some people have held open disdain for me and while that's pretty hurtful, this feels worse.

Personally, I've never intentionally sought someone out to speak to them about another person without a motive. I could list for you the times I have done this and the reasons behind it because even if I communicated something 'spur of the moment', I had thought about that thing or that person for quite some time. And, if I'm honest I was always motivated by fear, jealously, envy or competition in circumstances like this one.

In this process, my friend assumed I was concerned about my reputation. While for me, the larger point was wondering what motivated these individuals to offer their perceptions in the first place. I think I value honesty so severely in my life and it bothered me not only that they made assumptions about me, but they routed their perceptions along a course that avoided dealing with me themselves. I offer forgiveness to these individuals without knowing who they are. Yet, I don't hold respect for them. This, too, makes me sad.

What do I take from all of this? Love.

God calls me to love. He calls me to trust Him for the forward steps in my friendship when I feel uncertain how to navigate it. He calls me to trust that He will speak what is true to everyone involved. He calls me to live in such a way that I would honor people in the future and always check my motives before acting. He calls me to continue to live a life of vulnerability, honesty and risk--even when that means facing rejection. He invites me to remember what is true and reminds me that He will change me in the areas that require it. Simply, I need to continue to posture myself in humility and surrender before Him and others. He will handle the rest.

So tonight I shake off these perceptions and once again, move forward in faith.