Something inside of me felt like it stopped this past month--on a
level, I have felt like I was simply surviving, but in that place I was
beginning to ask and answer some important questions. The Lord has been
encouraging me to understand what it is that I want these past few
months. It still sounds a bit nonspiritual actually--what I want has
never seemed that important in the big scheme of things. Yet, I know a
lot of people who know what they want in life and there are many moments
where I envy them. There are aspects of that part of my journey that I
do understand (the why's), but still many reasons remain unclear even
now.
So, I began to consider what it is that I don't want--these things seemed so much more easily identifiable!:
I don't want to be stagnant.
I don't want to live in fear.
I don't want that particular person to have access to my emotional life anymore.
I don't want to be in pain (and I was choosing it this time).
I don't want to give up on the dreams God has given to me.
I don't want to place my own expectations on what God has shown me, thereby putting my hope in those things and not in Him.
And, from there I gained a bit of perspective. I closed the door
of my heart to a lingering emotional relationship that needed to end because I
realized I want to be in an actual relationship. I made a
decision to move into a home and ended a few months of moving around
town, staying with different (and generous!) friends because I knew the
time had come where I could re-settle--doing so was something I really needed. I started scribbling down some notes for my writing again and dreaming of what else might come in that process. I feel hopeful as I witness this creativity rising inside of me. That's a start, I guess.
I do feel free in this place. I'm learning. I'm growing. And, I'm
experiencing God's love for me in the crevices of my soul that He's working to
redeem and restore. Thank God that He brings transformation... There's no way I could do this without Him.
