Is this Where Redemption is Found?

A few dear friends have been speaking important things into my life over the last few days. I have been experiencing my brokenness profoundly to the point of understanding that I've been running in circles for years and years wondering how I can doubt God's goodness. In many areas of my life I've come to know the truth that He is good; the lack of comprehension in another realm has left me undone over and over again. It is in this pain that I sit wishing and praying it away.

One friend offered that perhaps His "goodness" wasn't what was most critical--she said she sensed the issue arose from a place below it. Believing or having faith or telling myself that He is indeed good would not be the cure to this illness within me. She encouraged me to ask Him to show me what is beneath it.

Today, these words offered by one of my best friends struck deeply: "There's one voice that's missing here...Your voice."

So here is the question: What do I think of myself?

I know what God says about me. I'm growing in my awareness of what others think. But, the idea that I need to have a voice in this process is a new thought for me. (That reality has roots in some other parts of my story that are literally leaping out from the pages of my mind in this moment!) It all reminds me of the words a man offered back to Jesus in Luke 10:27 regarding the greatest commandment:

"You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your strength and all your mind. And, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"

Back in college, one of my pastors taught through this brief passage. I remember realizing that loving oneself--knowing, experiencing and living from the identity that God has given us in Christ--was of utmost importance. I don't think I realized until today that this is still an enormous struggle for me.  And, I don't want to live here... I want Him to redeem it. I really, really do.

What If I'm Not as Brave as Ruth?

She left everything she knew to follow her mother-in-law to a different country. Her husband was dead. Her sister-in-law chose to listen and head back to her homeland. Ruth didn't listen, deciding instead to stay with Naomi. She decided to worship the God of Naomi's ancestors. She moved toward relationship and stuck with it.

Then she put herself out there--she went to work. She knew they needed food to survive and although she might face danger or abuse in the fields, she worked hard anyway. God showed her favor as she found herself laboring in a field owned by Boaz. I'm sure she had no clue how he would choose to move toward her and provide for her. But, he did and Boaz went above and beyond.

Naomi saw an opportunity for their future--Boaz was a man who could change their situation--He was one of their kinsman redeemers. Ruth did everything Naomi instructed her to do. She put herself out there in the most pronounced way. Instead of taking advantage of her or rejecting her, Boaz acted honorably and sought Ruth's best. He went through the proper channels and kept his word in the end. He sacrificed his own future by taking Ruth as his wife.

God honored all three--Naomi was no longer destitute because God gave her a son through the union of Ruth and Boaz. Ruth and Boaz became great grandparents of King David and ultimately, Jesus came from their family line. They were blessed in ways they likely couldn't have imagined.

I've been thinking about how brave they all were, but especially Ruth. In a day when women have such independence, I don't have a need to have a man in my life in this way. But, I desire it. Honestly, it's easier these days for me to hang my hat on Paul's words in the New Testament where he says it's better to remain single than be married. Living in that, I don't have to wrestle with the tension in my heart of actually wanting a relationship, but doubting God's goodness or desire in wanting to provide for me. My experience with men has not matched what I understand as I read about Boaz--he was filled with such care and integrity. Instead, it feels easier to let go of the desire altogether.

Though my circumstances are certainly not the same, the heart issue is... Ruth chose to believe something that I'm still struggling with in this area of my life and I admire her for it.  She ventured out and lived a life of remarkable faith. She knew God as Redeemer. Instead of shutting down and failing to remain open to how God might want to provide for me, I pray I follow her example.

A Reminder Not to Forget

I sat quietly with Him this morning. Two me-sized french presses of coffee and my Bible. I have a front and back side of a page left in my current journal, but I couldn't pull it out to record what I was thinking. It's been like that for a couple weeks. Yesterday, I ventured out to buy the next edition hoping it would help me move on. I love the new one. Somehow, I did not have it in me to finish the other though. Maybe it says something that it's ending.  

The soon-to-be old one is blue. The now-friend that bought it for me didn't know me when she did. She later recounted that she picked up a red journal, but set it aside thinking, "No, blue..." She was right to buy that one. It was in my heart before I met her to have a blue journal. A little unexpected surprise. A gift that represented something I didn't yet understand.  

Then, that year, it became a tangible representation of what we called the "Blue Dot." The place that I hoped to arrive after walking a path forward from the "Red Dot." Standing on this red dot, I looked ahead to an unknown future--I was so broken, messy and lacked direction. The blue dot represented hope for a time to come that would bring with it change and clarity and healing. It's hard to leave that process behind, even in the face of the good that has come from red to blue to now... 

As I sat crossed-legged on the chair at my round dining room table, I read about remembering. God constantly called the Israelites to remember that He was who He claimed to be, that He loved them, and how He was faithful to His promises. Time and again they forgot. Time and again He forgave them and made a way for them to come back. Deuteronomy 6:4-9 is called the Shema, "Hear"--an essential part of Jewish worship, something that is repeated multiple times in a day. What I took from it today? It's a reminder not to forget.  

I read them aloud. Then, I wrote them on a wall. (A chalkboard wall.) 

⁴ “Listen, O Israel! The Lord is our God, the Lord alone.^{[a] 5} And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength. ⁶ And you must commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these commands that I am giving you today. ⁷ Repeat them again and again to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up. ⁸ Tie them to your hands and wear them on your forehead as reminders. ⁹ Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates."

 (www.biblegateway.com)

I still don't quite understand what it was about this reading today, but I sat there with those words for a while. I found myself closing my eyes and listening in the silence. Tears surfaced and I cried. I just let my head hang slightly downward as I took notice of my breathing and the rhythmic beating of my heart. I thought about God's goodness to me and the ways that I want to trust, but struggle with doubt. I imagined what it would be like to put these words in other places where I couldn't miss them--I so desire to remember. 

And, honestly, I just sat there as the Lord pressed into my heart. He was reminding me that there are some things I care about in my life that I'm letting go of because I don't believe that He could be good to me in those areas. I don't see how certain outcomes are possible--my understanding is so limited--but He gently reminded me that nothing is impossible for Him. Nothing. I wonder about it though. His timing is a mystery to me. The things He calls me to do at times, the same. I've been obedient to Him in ways these past few months that have only furthered the pain I experience in one particular area of my life. I know He is good to me even in that, but I still don't understand how that is true in the present. 

Perhaps that's where I leave it tonight. I want to remember. Remind me not to forget?

Grafted In

My friends are adopting a little boy from Ethiopia and just flew to meet him this week. As I've read their trip updates, I've been absolutely overwhelmed by the beauty of this story. Their journey has been long to reach this initial meeting and court date, but he belongs to them now--he is their son! And, he'll come home in the next few months. Our many prayers have been answered...

I've cried as I've read their words and imagined what it has felt like to meet this person they've invited into their family. They chose this--it was intentional. He is wanted. He is desired. He is loved. And yet, they did not even know him until recently. Those realities blow me away and lead me to tears.

God knew though. He knew all. He understood from the beginning of time that He would lead my friends in this way and give them a powerful love for this little boy. God orchestrated it all--in His love He chose this for them. I cannot understand it. It's too wonderful, it's so meaningful...

The thing is, I don't know that I know love like that. I know that God is love. I experience His love and yet, I don't think that I've recognized how His love for me reaches out to me in this same way. In John, Jesus tells us, "You did not choose Me, but I chose you..." He has grafted me in and has made me His daughter. The Lord has been taking these pieces of their story to speak directly to my heart reminding me of the depths of His love for me. I feel so wanted. I feel desired. I feel so loved. And still, I cannot adequately express what it means to me. In fact, the floodgates are opened and I weep each time I consider it.

To Paul and Anne, your faithfulness and perseverance has blessed me in a way I never imagined. Your story has helped me see the Father with new lenses. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. There is certainly more to this story in the days ahead. I think I just needed to pause in this moment to acknowledge the impact and significance of what it means to comprehend that we're wanted. Thank you for living out His heart for all of us in your lives and in your family. It matters.