A Reminder Not to Forget

I sat quietly with Him this morning. Two me-sized french presses of coffee and my Bible. I have a front and back side of a page left in my current journal, but I couldn't pull it out to record what I was thinking. It's been like that for a couple weeks. Yesterday, I ventured out to buy the next edition hoping it would help me move on. I love the new one. Somehow, I did not have it in me to finish the other though. Maybe it says something that it's ending.  

The soon-to-be old one is blue. The now-friend that bought it for me didn't know me when she did. She later recounted that she picked up a red journal, but set it aside thinking, "No, blue..." She was right to buy that one. It was in my heart before I met her to have a blue journal. A little unexpected surprise. A gift that represented something I didn't yet understand.  

Then, that year, it became a tangible representation of what we called the "Blue Dot." The place that I hoped to arrive after walking a path forward from the "Red Dot." Standing on this red dot, I looked ahead to an unknown future--I was so broken, messy and lacked direction. The blue dot represented hope for a time to come that would bring with it change and clarity and healing. It's hard to leave that process behind, even in the face of the good that has come from red to blue to now... 

As I sat crossed-legged on the chair at my round dining room table, I read about remembering. God constantly called the Israelites to remember that He was who He claimed to be, that He loved them, and how He was faithful to His promises. Time and again they forgot. Time and again He forgave them and made a way for them to come back. Deuteronomy 6:4-9 is called the Shema, "Hear"--an essential part of Jewish worship, something that is repeated multiple times in a day. What I took from it today? It's a reminder not to forget.  

I read them aloud. Then, I wrote them on a wall. (A chalkboard wall.) 

⁴ “Listen, O Israel! The Lord is our God, the Lord alone.^{[a] 5} And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength. ⁶ And you must commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these commands that I am giving you today. ⁷ Repeat them again and again to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up. ⁸ Tie them to your hands and wear them on your forehead as reminders. ⁹ Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates."

 (www.biblegateway.com)

I still don't quite understand what it was about this reading today, but I sat there with those words for a while. I found myself closing my eyes and listening in the silence. Tears surfaced and I cried. I just let my head hang slightly downward as I took notice of my breathing and the rhythmic beating of my heart. I thought about God's goodness to me and the ways that I want to trust, but struggle with doubt. I imagined what it would be like to put these words in other places where I couldn't miss them--I so desire to remember. 

And, honestly, I just sat there as the Lord pressed into my heart. He was reminding me that there are some things I care about in my life that I'm letting go of because I don't believe that He could be good to me in those areas. I don't see how certain outcomes are possible--my understanding is so limited--but He gently reminded me that nothing is impossible for Him. Nothing. I wonder about it though. His timing is a mystery to me. The things He calls me to do at times, the same. I've been obedient to Him in ways these past few months that have only furthered the pain I experience in one particular area of my life. I know He is good to me even in that, but I still don't understand how that is true in the present. 

Perhaps that's where I leave it tonight. I want to remember. Remind me not to forget?