Monday, December 30, 2013

I Resolve

"My deepest awareness of myself is that I'm deeply loved by Jesus Christ and I have done nothing to earn it or deserve it." -- Brennan Manning

When I think of resolutions this comes to mind... What if, in 2014, I chose to come to an awareness that Jesus really loves me and He did everything for me so I could experience His life-changing, astounding love? I've been on a journey to this place for a number of years and still see how far I have to go. This year, I pray that His love for me becomes my deepest awareness of myself indeed. Thank you, Brennan Manning for continuing to teach me. I'm thankful for you and know you're enjoying His presence in a way I cannot imagine. It's a beautiful thought though. 

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Conversations

A little while ago, the Lord and I had this conversation...

Me:
How did you do it Lord? How did you forgive us?

Him:
"I had compassion on you... You really did not know what you were doing. You didn't know the extent of My love for you and the joy I had when I made you. You didn't know the brokenness you were living out. You didn't know the way you were hurting Me, yourself and others. You didn't get it because You couldn't see the full picture of what your sin cost you. I could see it and it moved Me to compassionately fulfill what you could not. I bore your debt because I loved you. I forgave you because I loved you. I wanted to set you free into the things I really made you for -- life and love and relationship."

I'm grateful for His compassion. I'm thankful I have a model to follow when it comes to forgiveness because His way is better than mine. I pray for the ability to do as He did. Forgive myself. Forgives others.

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Bless and Release

The sadness I've processed here about friendship this year has lead me to a fresh point of understanding recently. The people who regularly choose to live life with me, those who want to know my story and walk with me are my actual friends. And, the same is true for me with others.

I've decided it's no longer important to be distracted by those I thought were my close friends and the disappointment I feel about the way they don't choose me. Instead, I'm realizing how key it is for me to look around my life and notice those who ARE choosing in. These are my true friends. I have the privilege to celebrate this reality and continue to move forward, releasing my expectations of the other people by acknowledging that though they are in my life in a way, they aren't the people I'd hope they would be to me (and I to them). AND, it's okay.

No longer do I need to live in the tension I feel in what I have hoped for (because honestly, I don't feel the hope there lately). I can release and bless them in their lives and friendships with others while taking joy in those who do choose me. It's a good reality for me to embrace right now as I move through this transition and into the good things God has for me. I don't have to take anything away from them, nor do I have to live in the sadness I've experienced from regularly being overlooked and left out.

I think this is another path to freedom in my life right now. I pray I walk it with grace and kindness and love. It's good to see my choice in it, so I can take responsibility and walk freely and lightly.




Thursday, December 19, 2013

Holding Patterns

It's like floating
high up in the sky
beneath you a destination
but you're holding

There is fruit found in the pattern
lap after lap
seemingly making no progress
toward there

But here there is sight
the lay of the land
just outside your window
you see it

Over and over again
it appears
while the sun (or moon) shifts
fresh perspectives in the waiting

Sadness, too...
you're still there
while everything is changing
in and around and below

People come and go
invite then cease to want you
memories made a year ago
become just that -- memories

Another time
a different seeing
abruptly ended by a 'break'
which became more or less permanent

And you
there's no fighting for it in you
not the 'job'
not the friendships

Desire hasn't left
but hope has
it's not what you thought
and you're depleted from hoping so long

Understanding gives way
new possibilities...
changing what you can
because it's time

Blessing as you go
no one meant harm
but it did harm
nothing changes that

Bless
forgive yourself
forgive them
let those hopes die

In death comes new life
release ushers in the landing
deplaning sets your feet
on good, solid ground.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Here's to New Beginnings

The sweet Christmas tree gifted to my roommate by her boss is lit. Sitting in the corner surrounded by stuff that still doesn't have a place called home, the lights are twinkling.  It's so good to be here. I never decorate for Christmas. It seems pointless since I'm always on the road. But, this, well it's nice.

Dishes are cluttering the counters and the stove top in the kitchen. Recycling is piled at the side door. Boxes and papers sit atop the table adding to the mess. But right now, I'm happy to sit looking at this tree and choosing to take a moment to breathe.

I've finished the last detail of it. Emails have been sent. I checked each of those tasks off with a smile. In fact, I prepared for this moment in the morning by scooting my way over to Starbucks and treating myself to an Eggnog Latte for my meeting. When I arrived at the meeting my friend was about to tell me there was coffee in the kitchen, but stopped herself noticing the drink in my hand. I smiled and said I was celebrating. I was.

Today marks the last day of this season I've been in. I wanted to notice it. I wanted to feel what I felt and take in the people and my surroundings. I did. And, in my heart I was saying goodbye.

Goodbye to what's happened.
Goodbye to the pain.
Goodbye to the misunderstandings.
Goodbye to feeling not very seen or wanted or needed.
Goodbye to it.

And even: Goodbye to the me that has been here hurting for so long.
Goodbye to her.

I cried on my way home. I decided not to go to the other meeting because of something else said to me a week ago. It just didn't feel worth it to me today to choose beyond confusing words. I couldn't muster the dignity to tell myself I could be there. I wanted to open my fingers and release anything remaining from this season -- like petals falling away in the wind. There's still sadness and I have a feeling I'll cry a lot in the coming weeks. I've arrived at that piece of the grief now.

But the joy is coming. I don't say that because I need to make the grief feel better. I say it because I genuinely believe it. Some people prayed over me today and one particular prayer went something like this...

"I see a grain of sand in the ocean inside of an oyster and it is irritating."

Before he said it, I thought, "I'm the grain of sand" and I began to cry.

"You're the grain of sand," he continued as I nodded. "Your perspectives have been different than those of other people. You've stood your ground and you've felt the pressure of it. God honors you for your faithfulness in speaking what you see."

There was more and it was far better than what I'm sure I related in the quotations above. Regardless, it is so true. For two years I have felt every ounce of that pressure, that difference. I feel like an irritant -- like a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal -- but the Lord has continued to tell me to continue to say it. In love. Say it in love. Sometimes I have. Sometimes I haven't. And to this day, I'm still feeling the weight of being the irritant because I don't see things the same way they do. It hurts. Badly. And it doesn't hurt because I say the things. It hurts because I've experience the wonder of being dismissed and/or the reality that it doesn't really change anything to say it. Words so filled with opportunities and hope for greater fruitfulness in love seem to fall flat in front of my very eyes.

But then I remember the oyster... Then I remember the pearl. The pearl doesn't come without the irritant. Oh God, make me a holy irritant! Cultivate so much love in me that even when the words come out, what's felt and experienced is the power of Your Presence, Your patience, goodness, joy, kindness, love. I want to be that sort of a 'her'.

I get to rest now for a bit. My privilege is to seek Him and invite Him into the remaining pieces of this mess to sort through it in only the way He will. He gets to align me back to what He's started in me. He's faithful to complete what He's started, so this is a good beginning for me. When I return, I hope to be filled up to overflowing with His love and His light. I'd love to offer that so much more to these people and this place. Even if it looks different. And, I already know it's going to look very different. I just don't know quite how yet. The next month or so will tell.

For now, I'm content to sit in view of the lovely little tree and remember how He is for me. He is for me.

Saturday, December 07, 2013

Grandma B

Just a moment ago I came across a picture of my dad and grandmother from a few years ago at Christmas. Unexpectedly, I started to cry. She left us last year and I miss her. It's strange to think of gathering with my family in a couple of weeks to celebrate without her again this year.

It is a great picture though--a sweet reminder of moments with her. This morning, I'm really thankful for the Lord's love and the people He gives to us as gifts. I'm also thankful I'll get to see her again.

Thursday, December 05, 2013

Tell Me, Show Me

The truth can hurt, but it also sets us free. Last week I learned a couple of things that I've genuinely missed in the past two years. The lack of communication and clarity on one end and my inability to understand on my end has left me feeling a deeper sense of sadness on the whole. I've been really, really angry this year. Many things have contributed, but at the root of it I've found how my expectations for what I thought I was getting into and the reality of what it is do not add up. The anger, I've discovered is actually founded in deep sadness and disappointment. In practice, the things stated were not how they were lived out.

Funny enough, the research I used to do involved this understanding at the core. I'd walk into an interview and ask someone to tell me how they did a particular task. Once they outlined it in detail, I'd ask them to show me how they did the same task. They always did it differently than the way they explained how they did it to me. I knew the person didn't intend to lie or mislead me. In fact, awareness would often wash over their faces as they realized they really didn't accomplish it the way they said they did. We all do this in our lives. The neat thing was, solutions would come to us as we understood the gaps between what was said and what was actually done. There was space for creativity and new paths to form as we looked into those gaps.

Right now, I MUST choose to look at the circumstances and people in my life this way. If I don't, I fear I will succumb to the anger and grow bitter. It's a daily tension I'm feeling right now. I want to forgive and move forward, but the pain of the things I've experienced continues to follow me around. At the end of the day, it feels easier to be angry than allow myself to feel the sadness. But, the truth is I'm so very, very sad. I'm sad this isn't what I thought it would be. I'm disappointed that clarity didn't come until an unplanned piece of a conversation occurred and all of the light bulbs went on for me. "OH. That is EXACTLY why I feel the way I feel here," I realized. Finally, the truth came out and I saw how I wasn't as crazy as I have imagined. The things others have spoken in were affirmed, as were my own thoughts on this experience. It felt great and it felt awful.

But, now I know. I can move forward into places I'd rather be and offer what I have to offer where it is wanted and genuinely needed. It's really freeing to know that now. And, I'm trying to look at it this way: it only took me two years to figure it out. I could have remained in this for much longer. That, in and of itself, is a gift. So here's to taking responsibility for my own life, being released and stewarding my gifts well. It's terrifying, but it's time.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Leaps & Bounds

Tomorrow I am flying away to one of my favorite places to see some of my most beloved people. I can count the number of times I've traveled for Thanksgiving on a couple of fingers, so this is a bit unusual for me. But they said, "Come!" and I said, "Maybe?" And then there was a ticket which cost such an astoundingly small amount of money (as tickets go, you see), so I HAD to...

I've been reflecting a little today about my life there and how the years here now just about equal those there. It's strange. Many things have changed which is likely unsurprising, but it still surprises me a little. I've been on such a journey trying to understand who I am these last several years (count them, there are a few). Here I am nearing the end of 2013 and I'm finally sensing I understand some of it.

What I've gone through to arrive here hasn't been lost on me. The process of this present year alone has sent me leaps and bounds ahead in the journey because so much pain required me to change. I couldn't stay the same any longer. This time, the change is much, much deeper though. I have a view of who I am and who I want to become and for perhaps the first time in my life, I'm unwilling to allow other voices to determine my next steps.

I've learned how people don't necessarily know better. I've learned how people can have their own agendas and when those don't blend with what I sense I'm supposed to walk in, I can let them and the way they'd like for me to behave or think go away in love. And, I've learned how I've idolized them in the past and failed to put my faith soundly where it should be. For this I've sought repentance by walking in light of the truth. It's so good. (And hey, it's also really hard to see these things about myself, so there's that...)

I'm happy to fly away tomorrow. I'm happy to have space and breathe the really cold air and be with people who have loved me and been for me for years and years and years. I'm happy to walk in old places I found significant. I'm happy to view all of it from these lenses... Newly adjusted. I'm not the same woman I was then--at the start nor at the end. I'm so glad that's true. I only hope to continue to be the very best version of myself there now and then bring her back here with me. This sounds dramatic... I'm only going for a short time, after all. But, I really mean it because there's so much more change to come in these coming weeks and months. I want to live with courage and live these precious moments I'm given with such truth and hope and love.

It's a joy to be on my way...

Monday, November 25, 2013

Donuts, Wine & Friendship

My heart has felt heavy in a certain way over the past couple of weeks. Mostly, it has to do with the details in a few dreams I've had. Ultimately, those dreams have raised and crushed a specific desire in my life and I have been grappling with hope in that arena. Funny how dreams bring things to light sometimes...

At any rate, I went to our church gatherings tonight fully intending to stay for both. I allowed the tension I've been experiencing to surface as we sang and invited the Lord to speak into my experience. Reiterating words I offered to Him while on a walk earlier today, I said, "Lord, I don't believe that You have good things for me, but I want to..."

This level of unbelief is always hard to see in myself. After all, I know His character and He's shown Himself faithful for all of these years. Yet, I still wrestle to believe Him. It's painful to see.

Grabbing a slice of pizza between the two services, the clerk mistook me and a very handsome guy as a couple. It was a sweet sort of moment as he and I embraced the awkwardness and chatted a little while we waited for our orders. Eventually we said our goodbyes, I headed back to the second gathering.

But, I just couldn't stay. Sitting outside, munching on my pizza, I felt overcome with sadness. I just wanted to cry, but didn't feel the freedom to. People kept stopping by asking me how I was doing and the best I could offer was, "I'm doing okay... Feeling a little weighed down tonight." It doesn't feel good to be in that place when you're the person who 'should be' checking in on them. Oh expectations...

Finally, I listened to what I really needed and left after learning a good friend was on her way out, too. On the way to our cars, I blurted out how I was feeling especially sad. She asked why, but assured me it was also okay if I couldn't tell her. I continued in spite of her kind offer and the tears spilled. She said we should grab some donuts and I suggested wine and after a brief chat with another friend we encountered on the way, headed to the store to pick up our essentials.

Beauty is, she just left my house. We spent the last four hours talking. The topics went well beyond where the evening started, of course. I feel so blessed to have a friend who was willing to walk through these past few hours with me--I'm encouraged by the way she chose to be present with me in my sadness. And, what a gift to remember how I'm not alone. I needed to know that tonight.

Friday, November 22, 2013

Friday Morning

Today I listened to a guy tell a group of people how being known in real relationship with other people is key, growing in awareness of self and getting help have brought health, and choosing rest, while not easy, is a good decision. (The latter two struck a significant chord with me in particular.) I must say, and I don't say this often about guys I encounter, I was impressed. And, I know I don't know his whole story--so take this as a 'skimming the surface' offering. Nonetheless, I was so encouraged to hear what he had to say.

Additionally, I found myself typing questions, not quotes, as I listened. His thoughts created space for me to think through a bigger picture perspective on a few things like this one: What does it mean to me to be brave? Rarely do I walk away from a talk with a further need to consider deeper things (I often walk away with new ideas or perspectives, but this felt more like a soul-digging endeavor).

It was good and I'm glad I made the time to go.


Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Other People's Parents

Tonight I'm feeling thankful for parents in my life who happen to belong to other people. One such person called me back after I left him a work-related message today and honestly, I'm pretty moved by his kindness and love. He and his wife have been in my life over the past couple of years, but more recently we spent a couple months seeing each other weekly. Though we have different perspectives on a good amount of things, I always appreciate his candor and his questions.

When my friends were in the process of waiting for their little one back in the late summer and all that was involved in that process, he and his wife reached out often to check on me, let me know they were praying for me and my friends and the baby, and sat with me in my sadness after she left us. They constantly moved toward me and it has continued to mean so much.

Our conversation tonight was no exception. On the message, I'd indicated some upcoming changes I am stepping into and as soon as I answered the phone, he wanted to hear more about it. Before we got to the 'business stuff' he took time to care about me as a person and encouraged me as I shared my news. I got teary as we talked and just realized again how blessed I am by this sweet friendship. It's an honor to have him in my life. Truly, an honor.

Monday, November 18, 2013

Bursting Through the Bubble

A friend puts it this way...

Change occurs when the pain of staying the same exceeds the pain of change.

It has taken me months to get here and thankfully, I've arrived without the anger I've felt so strongly for a good majority of the year. Seriously, that alone is an incredible blessing. I'm stepping out into a new adventure where not everything is shifting, but tangibly some things will be changing in the near future. Perhaps most notably, my perception of all I've walked through has been adjusted. It's not that the challenging aspects of the environment I've been part of have been addressed. Honestly, they really haven't been dealt with on so many levels. But, I have taken a look at myself and made decisions about what I'm willing to live with as I've taken it all into account. 

Blame-shifting isn't an option here. I make my own choices and I am responsible for myself. It feels good to see this and acknowledge it. Of course, I haven't sought to make these decisions about next steps without the Lord; rather, I've seen Him allowing me the opportunity to look at my life and choose how I want to cultivate it into the things He's placed inside of me to become and to do. It's so, so good.

I guess I write this tonight because I've noticed in the past week how free I've felt. I've laughed so much. I've had a regular smile replacing the furrowed brow of a long, hard season. Things and people which have occupied my mind have been released to be where they are and where they're going -- I cannot control them, after all. And, on top of it, not only have I noticed the change, but two friends (the likes of whom I haven't seen in 4-5 months) both commented on how different I look. What God has been doing in me has become noticeable to others and I just feel so full of gratitude for this reality.

Further investing in my city is a dream on the horizon. I don't yet know what form this will take as I venture out taking new steps towards Orlando, but I'm excited. I feel hopeful and as I've mentioned before, I sense my joy returning. This time, I actually see it happening... I'm so thankful.

Monday, November 11, 2013

When I Was a Child

Years ago a friend told me his theory that what most captivates us as children speaks to our long-term passions and destiny. I promptly went home, called my dad and asked him what I cared about as a kid. It was a short list.

"You liked to...
Look pretty,
Spend time with your friends,
Talk,
And oh, look pretty..."

At first I laughed and when I shared this with my friend, he laughed, too. He loved it. Part of me didn't. I think it's because it rang true and I wondered: What do those things have to do with my contribution to the world? Each seemed fairly shallow or boring.

I remembered all of this about a month ago as I considered some things I'd processed earlier this year in counseling. Suddenly, I didn't feel so lame about the list anymore. All of these years later, I have begun to realize how these elements of who I am actually have the potential for loveliness in my own life and in the world around me.

I started to understand why beauty is so important to me -- not just in my appearance, but in the things I set out to do and cultivate in my friendships, neighborhood, and city. I realized investing in people and spending time with them isn't boring or lame, but so life-giving and a privilege -- walking with people in their own stories is an absolute honor! And my love for communication has only grown with time. I love to share ideas, write and teach. 

So, what did you like to do as a kid? Chances are, you're probably really great at it still and if you're ever in a rut trying to figure out your next steps, revisiting those things might just bring you back to center. I've certainly experienced this in my own life recently and I'm so grateful for the reminders. The Lord has been helping me tune in so I might focus more intentionally on the things He's entrusting to me--the things He made me to be and to do.

Move Forward

My friend sat across from me tonight and before the dialogue really started, the tears streamed down my face. He was kind and asked me what was going on. "I'm nervous," I replied. "Why?" he asked. Shrugging my shoulders, I let more tears fall. Lord knew if I opened my mouth there would be no stopping them. He generously continued the conversation and then my words came back.

What would I want to do if the structure of it didn't matter, if money wasn't a consideration and if I could just do what is in my heart to do? I listed out a number of things as I answered this question. I started breathing easier again and feeling cautiously excited.

The weight of things which have felt so heavy recently lifted. There's still more to iron out, but the Lord, through this friend, began making a pathway forward into the things I sense Him inviting me to do. I felt relief. I felt encouraged. I felt loved.

Not only that, but I saw how it is actually bigger than me. (I mean, of course it is!) God has been cultivating forward-direction in other people around me along similar lines. These ideas aren't just "ideas" it seems. In actuality, it appears God has been moving people together in a common direction and the pieces of my heart which feel alive as I consider a different focus in my work? Well, they line up with these other notions.

I feel humbled by this reality tonight. I feel nervous about stepping into freedom to pursue what is inside of me. But, I feel alive in the face of the uncertainty of what it will look like. Tired; but alive.

And for tonight, I've told myself to rest. I'm trying not to "go there" when it comes to understanding how several different paths and ideas I've been considering, including this one, come together moving forward. Do they? I wonder...

For now, I think I just need to see the blessing of God's goodness to me in the questions I've had and the restlessness I've experienced. Because tonight, I have more clarity on the immediate next step and it's a gift. An enormous and lovely gift.

Plus, isn't it just like the Lord to bring a friend along to help see even more than what I thought possible in the first place? It is indeed. He is so kind.

Saturday, November 09, 2013

Check Engine

We've heard the analogy drawn before. Well, at least I think most of us have. The check engine light comes on and we take a moment to consider how it applies to our hearts -- or so the pastor or clergyman tells us we should. Mine has been shining a bright yellow-orange for weeks. Every attempt to bring health to my car has failed and on the light goes again. Last night as I was driving from a time of encouragement to a time of celebration and it hit me: the state of my car engine has applied to the current condition of my heart. Oh! Duh...

I've been wrestling through job stuff, relationship wounds and financial concerns these past few weeks (you likely know if you've been reading along the way). Over and over again the Lord has been asking me to trust, to forgive, to believe. He's been showing me how easy it is right now for me to go to places which aren't His best for me in my mind, in my responses, in my posture. That silly light which has plagued me for weeks has actually been an unseen blessing reminding me: check under the hood, there's significant stuff going on in there and it needs to be addressed.

I sat with a kindred friend at the celebration last night. We dove into the deep end of the pool immediately and even in a short time, I watched and heard as God unearthed some truth. Sometimes when we're so "in" a situation or circumstance and our hearts are frail or perhaps even completely void of feeling, we have no choice but to stay there and ask Jesus to meet us in the muck. When we don't have what it takes to leave the place of pain, He has to come to us and bring us out of it.

A picture came to mind of the man who sought healing for 38 years. When Jesus found him laying by the pool, and if you know the story, He asked him a question: "Do you want to be made well?" And we all roll our eyes and say, "Jesus, isn't the answer obvious?"

The other story that popped into my mind was about Naomi. She continued grieving the loss of her husband and her sons for years beyond what any Jewish person would have considered appropriate. There was a time for mourning and a time to put the grief away, but not for Naomi. Instead, she became bitter and renamed herself in like kind, "Don't call me Naomi... Call me Maura (bitter)" she said. God had dealt her a low blow. She sat in her pain and wouldn't budge.

In both circumstances, God went there. He went to the places of pain and brought life with Him. He stirred desire and called out dreams which had faded. He wasn't content to leave them there, but the process took a particular course and in both cases, it wasn't quick.

I so desperately long for Him to continue to meet me in these things I'm struggling through and bring me out. I wish it happened yesterday, in fact. But you know, I'm realizing just how important it is that He has come to this place to find me today. I'm beginning to realize that while it has taken time sitting in much of it for longer than I'd like, desiring to give it up to Him and then taking some of it back on myself, and hurting through the areas which still require healing balm, it's good.

He's reminding me of what He's put in me. He's stirring the dreams, awakening the desires and removing the constraints. All the while, I get to take a look under the hood and invite His help as I seek to live honorably before Him and others in the midst of it. I don't know how to do it well. I've failed a lot in the past. But, I have hope that as I watch Him, I'll learn a new way through this time and be ready for whatever is ahead. Even when, especially when, it involves more pain.

Wednesday, November 06, 2013

Words to Live By

And especially... Words for my heart TODAY. Boy is it hard to love when you've been hurt, you guys. I want to shut off. I want to say, "You can't have any more of me..." I want those people to feel what I've felt by their lack of care, concern, initiative, invitation--the list goes on. But He shows me a more perfect and beautiful way. It's an enigma and it goes like this...

Love from the center of who you are; don't fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good. Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle.

Don't burn out; keep yourselves fueled and aflame. Be alert servants of the Master, cheerfully expectant. Don't quit in hard times; pray all the harder. Help needy Christians; be inventive in hospitality.

Bless your enemies; no cursing under your breath. Laugh with your happy friends when they're happy; share tears when they're down. Get along with each other; don't be stuck up. Make friends with nobodies; don't be the great somebody.

Don't hit back; discover beauty in everyone. If you've got it in you, get along with everybody. Don't insist on getting even; that's not for you to do. "I'll do the judging," says God. "I'll take care of it."

Our Scriptures tell us that if you see your enemy hungry, go buy that person lunch, or if he's thirsty, get him a drink. Your generosity will surprise him with goodness. Don't let evil get the best of you; get the best of evil by doing good. 

Romans 12:9-21


Friday, November 01, 2013

I Shall Not Want...

Not many people really like to talk about money, but I'm certain it's on most of our minds from time to time. Yes? In the midst of my transition to a new workplace in the early part of 2012, all seemed well as my final three paychecks rolled in. The timing should have been perfect to receive my first paycheck from the new organization just as the old wrapped up. All seemed well...

The day I was supposed to be paid, I looked at my bank account and could not see a direct deposit in sight. Maybe I had the wrong day? I was new to their system, after all. Picking up the phone I quickly discovered it was the right day. They had forgotten to file all of the paperwork I sent them a few months prior. They asked if I could wait until the next pay period--one month from that particular day. I wasn't sure; and, I let them know it. All things considered, it was going to take at least two weeks if not longer. So, they started the process and I waited. And, I waited.

Months before, I'd finally paid off my debt. (Insert the biggest sigh of relief and shout of joy here.) I purchased a laptop--in cash!--for my new season since the old remained with my former organization. I didn't have money coming out of my ears, but I had a little. I wondered if it would carry me through. One day late in the waiting it occurred to me:  "My newly purchased healthcare plan is coming out tomorrow through auto-withdrawal! Drat!!" I looked at my bank account. Sure enough, I was down to the last of it. The little savings I had was drained as I paid my bills that month. The auto-draft would send me into overdraft. Reaching for my purse, I pulled out my wallet and counted the cash. Just enough. I quickly headed to the bank and deposited it. I was so thankful to have caught it in time.

A few days later, my first paycheck came in. Before it hit my account, I had $13 left to my name and I didn't go into debt again. The Lord provided so faithfully--I even had a little room. Never before had I encountered a moment like this and it's not one I'll easily forget. He gave me what I needed. I had to lean on Him because I honestly had no clue how that particular story ended. He did. It was a good and growing moment in our relationship.

He's been retelling this story to me this week. This time around, I actually have money in savings, but all of it is for taxes and I don't think I've saved enough given what happened this past year. In other words, it's a "do not draw on this account" account for me. My checking account has been depleted and depleted. My paychecks have been short for months. I've been tightening the belt and though it might seem surprising, I genuinely feel content in the process. I'm okay.

But then, my car started acting up. So far my mechanic has put in two parts and the check engine light has shown brightly for the fourth time this month today. One of my largest ministry partners just let me know they are leaving my team as I've been working on developing additional funds for ministry here. There are pieces of furniture we genuinely need in our new home so we can actually put other things away--there's no more space for them elsewhere (in fact, I purchased one and took it back realizing I don't have cash flow to support the purchase). And, I was hit a few weeks ago and the scenario for things being fixed by the person who hit me are looking bleaker and bleaker by the day.... Then my insurance agency called me and sent me a letter to inform me they're dropping me. I've been hit twice in the past four months (ironically, I was at a full stop in both scenarios) and they don't want to deal with my business. I am appealing their decision, so we'll see how that goes.

I've been asking the Lord... Why did You open up this place for me to move into when financially I was headed south? Why would You call me to a ministry where developing new financial support is more challenging than ever before? Why would You bring me out of debt to allow me back on the brink of it? I don't understand... 

This is a lot. When I consider these details and the feelings I have about them I realize, "No wonder you were biting your nails off today..." There's a stress I feel underneath the weight of this uncertainty. How does this all turn out?

But then again, the other day someone handed me a check to bless me. Today, someone else handed me some cash because the Lord told them to give it. Beyond those acts of generosity, my mechanic has generously offered to allow me to pay him when I can.

He answers all of my questions by reminding me that He, indeed, is my Shepherd. I shall not want. I'm humbly learning to receive and embrace this truth again as the dollars trickle out of my checking account. It's literally time to put my money where my mouth is -- He is my Provider.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Beauty: Why?

I listened to a message the other day by a guy named Skye Jethanp. His words encouraged me in present considerations regarding my life and my future. For now, I don't need to add commentary. I just want this truth to seep in deeply and set my heart toward the Lord in what He's inviting me into:

"When we cultivate beauty in our worship as the people of God, what we are declaring to a world that is full of ugliness and despair is that you can run out of line and take hold of the beauty. It is within reach because Christ has come! The Kingdom has broken in and the people of God who are inhabited by His Spirit are here to cultivate the beauty of the Kingdom and you, too, can run out of line and take hold of it and find hope in the middle of darkness knowing that the present darkness will not prevail..."

Beauty matters.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Englarged into Joy

"All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it’s not only around us; it’s within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We’re also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don’t see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy."

There's a spot on I-70 West where one arrives at the peak of a steep incline and just as the car begins to descend toward a valley, a breathtaking landscape presents itself. Rows and rows of mountain summits appear in the distance as far as the eye can see. Just thinking of the sight evokes a feeling I've felt a thousand times as I've encountered this panoramic: My heart leaps and joy erupts. The majesty of this moment always takes my breath away. It has to be one of my favorite experiences on planet earth.

Witnessing it today, I was reminded of how hard it is to wait. There are things I've longed for and they seem so far off as I continue the climb toward the crest. When I arrive there, beauty unfolds before my very eyes. There is sweetness in the arrival, but quickly fades as an awareness grows pointing me toward those peaks in the distance. My journey has only just begun. Uncertainty sets in and fear rises as I consider what it will take to reach those far-off places. To be honest, I don't have a clue what will be required of me along the way; though, I've lived long enough to know it will involve both joy and sorrow. I see those beautiful crowns and sense the good awaiting me there. What to do? Stay here? It is a lovely view... Or, plunge into the valley? I think of the possibilities. How can I lead others where I have yet to go myself?

Discovery is a risky, yet wondrous affair. Am I willing? Looking back, I see only the familiar and I'm comforted by it. Setting my sights on what is ahead, I feel alive. I feel expectant. And I feel terrified. But, there's a truth I need to remember today: I have been enlarged in this waiting. God has shaped and transformed me in ways I never imagined. He has cultivated the soil of my heart to offer who I am to the world in a way only I can. He has stripped off weights which held me back. He has prepared me for this season to be unleashed into an adventure I never imagined for myself. And, I think it's about joy. I think it's about destiny. I think He's telling me the good gifts He has ahead on this pilgrimage will not be taken from me. It sounds too good to be true, but then I remember... He is faithful to His promises.

Friday, October 18, 2013

Return to Me

It hangs there
three buttons
classic cut
black on black

transported to a time gone by
despite the pesky yellow florescents
I smiled at the new me
while a radiance reflected back
a twinkle in my eye

he was the furthest away any person could be
or so it seemed from my post on this pedestal
frozen adventures and a new love
occupying his space, his time

as here I stood delightedly
three buttons
classic cut
black on black
risky business on my mind

surging into unmapped expanses
my mind wandering forward
imagination running wildly unfettered
all I wanted would simply be

doubt afforded no license whatsoever
and hopes ...
hopes gushed over my palms like waterfalls of petals
too many to grasp
too beautiful to restrain

why bother storing up each precious droplet
who needs a reservoir when rivers and oceans exist 
no I, I'd allow floodgates of promise to open wide
releasing potential to discover and experience unhindered

I wondered if he'd see me now
but, sending double glances in my own direction, sight I gained
three buttons
classic cut
black on black

no use looking behind
this luminous future bright, ahead
and I, a girl no longer, abandoned home
so I might become ...

three buttons
classic cut
black on black
now only to gain this piece of her back
this would be something indeed.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Beyond Winter

 Today I've been wondering what it means for me to pursue beauty in the context of my life. Moving into a new place recently, all I've been thinking about when it comes to home life is how to bring order to it and cultivate an environment where people feel welcomed and even inspired. I've been absolutely energized by this place and the possibilities I see here. From the moment I viewed it, I couldn't stop thinking about how to make it special. It has a great foundation--all I have to do is build on it and highlight the best features.

There has been a lot of talk about the idea that I'm entering a new season. God has been speaking it to me for months and now He has other people joining the dialogue, affirming what He has said. This winter I've been in has been so very long. I've had glimpses of spring here and there for a number of years -- some of the glimpses have seemed to last, but when the winter has folded in again (like a good Colorado 'spring' snow), I've found myself discouraged bordering on despair. "You must not be hearing right..." or "You're not doing this right..." So much of what I've written recently contributes to these notions. As I said before, I'm pointed back to my true identity in Jesus and the idols I fall for, like control in relationships and work.

But you know, I think the Lord sees possibilities much like I see them in my new home. I think He sees blossoms when I wonder about the impending spring storm that reminds me it's not really spring after all... I want to believe Him. I want the newness and the freshness of Spring. I want those blossoms and the hope of new life forming and bursting up from soil which has rested in preparation for a new season throughout a seemingly unending New England winter. (Hey, why not draw both into this story? I've lived them both, after all...)

To be honest, I don't see many places to cultivate beauty in my current reality. When I've tried, the brakes have been applied from outside and inside sources. The way I offer it hasn't seemed to be desired and I haven't been able to figure out how to offer it in a different way. And I've been trying to fit a mold. I've been offering myself in a way where I seek permission to do what I sense I should do and it feels wretched. I think much of it is my own perspective. I cannot seem to see things as they actually might be... I feel chained to unseen obligations which are likely rooted in other places in my story. But I look at the reality of how I'm living and I don't think I can do it anymore because this desire for beauty is pulling me apart at the seams. It sounds terrible writing it that way--painful--but I think it's actually good. I want to live from a whole heart and I need to decide what's really going on in there so I can get to the place where I offer it! Frankly, all in all, I'm really the one holding myself back. I can look around and point my finger, but at the end of the day I'm making these choices. Ultimately, I point at myself... It's my responsibility to live my life.

It's enough. I'm tired of making excuses, trying to be 'what I should be' or trying not to be what I 'should not be'... I'm tired of my joy being gone. It has been missing for quite some time. And the Lord is inviting me to live in light of the joy of my salvation again. This beautiful thing He has done -- restored me to relationship! I get to live from this glorious and free and whole place. And with His help I've got to sort out what that means for my day-to-day so I can cease living under the heavy things I allow myself to stay under.

Today He reminded me of a place He took me five years ago... 

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”

I keep running back to the place where I allow things to be put on me which feel heavy and ill-fitting. Many times I stick them on my own back! I just picture the Lord kindly shaking His head at me saying, "Jessica, you don't have to live there... remember?" But it's so comfortable... It's so known. By His grace I've come so far. I still have so much room to grow. And yes, I'm afraid.

So today, I just keep thinking, "Grow. Go beyond everything you've ever known and held onto in this life. Surprise yourself by walking in light of how brave you actually are. Go after the beautiful things He has placed in your heart even when you don't know how the journey goes. Take a step. Breathe in the air... The winter has gone... It's SPRING."

Saturday, October 12, 2013

I Think I'm Just Afraid

My own words have been reverberating in my mind over the past few days from my last two posts. I've sat with them, reread them, and considered the weightiness of the emotion in them. Pain is never pretty. It's messy, uncomfortable and, to use a newly familiar word, ugly.

What to do with it?

I think I'm hurting because I don't know how to be willing to expose myself more than I already have. My imagination runs wild with possible outcomes of how it goes if I really say what I probably need to say, even in a different way, for the first time or once again. I'm weary from not feeling heard and understood. I'm exhausted from not feeling seen and invited. I don't want to demand or fight for these things. I don't want to be 'that girl'. I don't want to be too much. I don't want to wonder if they'll care. And, I certainly don't want my worst fears confirmed... That they actually don't care after all.

Because, if that's the case, what then? Strangely, and given all of what I've written this will sound strange... I know I'll be okay. My identity is secure. So what then is the actual issue?

I think it's that I'll need to move on into uncharted territory. New friendships. New work possibilities or a new way of viewing the current reality. I'll move into freedom in a way which feels frightening.

And if they do care? I'll move into deeper relationship in a way I haven't in quite a long while with people who are newer to me in that way. I risk exposing more and being profoundly rejected in the future.

Either way, something or some things will change. I'm not in control. This is the problem -- the illusion of control offers meaning and power to me. Even if it is completely devoid of actual substance and truth. Idolatry at its best, yes?

The reality is, I am incapable of doing what I need to do on my own. So this is the moment when I look beyond every piece of it and pray, "Abba, Oh Abba, be near..."

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Pressing In and On

I've never been part of a team where I found myself disagreeing so strongly with certain philosophical perspectives when it comes to the very idea of just that: 'team'. The past two years have been a testament to God's commitment to my maturity and growth because more than any one thing I've encountered in this transition, this specific topic hits a very tender place in my heart each and every time it's on the table for discussion. Recently, I've noticed again how pancake thin my patience has grown with the way I experience team in this new season.

It's certainly not new that it's hard -- I think I've simply arrived at a place where I'm voicing it strongly again and part of that feels ugly because it is. I feel like I'm demanding my perspective in the process instead of extending invitations for what I see to be acknowledged and prayerfully, understood. "The way we operate doesn't line up with values we say we have," I've thought and said. But then, valuing relationship never made it to our values list until recently. Why should I be surprised? The ideal and the real intersect in a way where I don't see them aligning and I feel regularly frustrated in my experience.

My responses have varied: voice it, be angry about it, tell yourself it's not important, grieve it, isolate yourself -- they don't care anyway, you're on your own here so 'team' doesn't even matter. I see people leaving us and I look at those scenarios and the conversations I've had there and connect the dots back to relationship and/or the lack thereof. I've thought about it, too... Leaving, I mean. Part of what keeps me here isn't wholehearted devotion, but more of a perspective of, "I don't want them to think I didn't have what it took to live in this environment. I can do it. I can be like them."

The truth is, I can't. Nor do I desire to model what I experience regularly. I want to forge a different path.

I've been trying not to care. I've been trying to say it doesn't matter. But, it does--to me. And, I feel at a loss. I sense I'm supposed to be here, so I stay. In weeks like these, I wonder how long this determination will last. I'm freshly tired in it. 

The thing is, I know I give more when I feel seen and cared about as person. I know what I'm capable of when relationship is truly the foundation and when trust is real. When we remind each other of what we're going after and we help each other get there. In my experience, those moments are few and far between.

All of that said, there is one friendship I have in many of the circles I work in where I do experience these things and in that case, I move forward into greater fruitfulness. I'm so, so thankful for this piece of my current reality because honestly, without it, I don't think I could have stayed in it as long as I have. I'm also thankful because this friend isn't afraid to tell me the truth about my ugly, but sits in the story with me and helps me to see beyond it. It's a lifeline for me as I walk through my feelings about this area again.

Most days this doesn't feel as big as it feels today. I do see the Lord working. I do see my heart changing and my perspectives broadening. And, I'm grateful for the pain because it points me back to Jesus with my wants and desires and needs. That's good and I'm grateful. I think I just wish, well, I don't know... I think I just wish I didn't feel like a fish swimming the other direction from all of the other fish all of the time. (Not that they're all swimming in a different direction, I suppose. It just feels like that most days.)

I think what I long for is fairly simple, but it really isn't simple here. It's continually a place of struggle and I wonder what the Lord wants to do about it. For my part in it, I think I need to keep offering relationship by refusing to give up and/or checking out emotionally. I don't know how to do this well right now, so if you're reading this and you're a person of prayer I'd really appreciate some prayer. I want to love well, but don't think I'm doing so well at it at the moment. I think I'm demanding things that people are not capable of giving. Instead of holding those things over them, I need to continually release them into their perspectives and continue to move forward in my own. Perhaps this is a path forward...

Tuesday, October 08, 2013

Heartache ...

A few months ago, I wrapped up a season in counseling. There were many reasons I sensed God inviting me into it and coming through it, I look back with gratitude for the awareness He gave to me in the process and the transformation He continues to bring to me as a result of 'choosing in'. One of the most challenging things my counselor offered came in the final moments of my last appointment, "This is not the end of heartache for you, Jessica."

His words struck a deep chord within me because I knew he spoke the truth. And in my life there have been heartaches. Many, many, many, many heartaches.

Tonight I haven't been able to sleep. The rain is keeping me company as my thoughts swirl about and continue to land on a deep sadness I feel regarding my friendships right now. A couple years ago, I felt so connected to the people in my community. I felt desired and included and appreciated. People seemed to want to be my friends and made time to know me and I them. Invitations were extended and received. I began to come to life in a way I hadn't in a very long while and it was noticeable to those who had been journeying with me for years.

Lately, I honestly feel pretty invisible in the same community I felt so loved by not long ago. I wonder if it's me. Did I do something wrong? Am I too much? Perhaps the newness of my presence wore off and I'm just not so interesting after all? If I've learned anything this year (again), it's how my identity and worth aren't based on the answers to these questions. Yet, I struggle through them to come back to the truth of who the Lord says I am and the value He ascribes to me.

Still, most of me desires to throw in the towel and affirm what I regularly experience with a grim, "It is what it is," sort of mentality. But, I think the Lord invites me to continue on a harder path -- to stay present. I think the Lord wants me to continue to invite. He wants me to actively love people in the way I was made to love them. No strings attached. Right now this feels impossible.

And tonight as I continued to toss and turn, I remembered the handful of wonderful people in my life who regularly show their love and care. Women my age who take the time to know me and invest in me. These friends who call and text and email and want to spend time with me. I think I just wish they were all connected somehow... There's no real 'group' I belong to and it feels hard. My heart aches, actually.

I'm regularly at a loss in this present heartache, but have a feeling the Lord intends for me to find Him once again in this place. So I ask, "Lord, Who are You here?" I imagine, as my counselor wisely offered, this too will not be the last of heartache for me. As I grieve the loss of what I hoped it would be I pray: Lord, lead me to a place where, in the face of heartache, I delve even more deeply into JOY.

Sunday, October 06, 2013

Putting on My Party Dress

My new house is still in chaos; furniture needs to be found, boxes need unpacking, and small things need places to rest. I did my best today to make progress, pressing through a desire to give up when I wasn't sure which thing to do next. I forced my way out of the house at one point, roommate in tow, to look at a possible buffet that might work for the living room. It didn't, but the break was welcome. I was thankful to get out of the house even if it meant I did so in workout gear.

Then I had somewhere to be tonight. My friend instructed those on the guest list to put on our 'party dresses' so we could celebrate in style. (YES.) Running around the house, I somehow found my way into make-up and heels. What a difference! I looked like another person... Trust me, it was good. You would have wanted me to look like another person. I promise.

Arriving at the birthday celebration for my LOVELY friend, Amanda, I discovered this enchanting backyard scene! We ate and laughed and even shed a few tears under delightful lights twinkling above while cool air enveloped us (a treat for Floridians in October!). In typical form, she took the opportunity to celebrate US. What in the world?... Her birthday celebration turned into a time of gratitude for her friends. I learn so much from the way she loves and cherishes those in her life. It was really special. I kept thinking, "I'm so glad I GET to know her..." Truly.

Driving home, I reflected again on the newest blessings in my life. I cannot express how grateful I feel to be living in the city once again. Pinch me! I feel like I'm dreaming. Seriously. My mind wandered back to the wonderful time with my friend and those she invited to her party. I just felt so humbled to be included and cherished tonight. What a gift... And, walking back into my house I found it as I left it--undone. Really, it's a blessing though. My imagination has gone absolutely wild in this new place with the possibilities of what it will become. I'm dreaming and designing in my mind and it's just so stinkin' fun. I feel alive in a fresh way. It's like joy is returning to me. I don't know where it went and honestly, I don't know how long it has been put away from me, but I feel it coming back to me.

Amanda talked a lot about gratitude tonight. I appreciate her example. She reminded me to take stock of the things I am profoundly grateful for and celebrate them. It was a good way to spend a Saturday night.

Friday, September 27, 2013

Shifting Seasons

Every time I enter a new season, I encounter sleeplessness. I should have known something was about to happen when the insomnia began this past week. Tossing and turning, I continued to ask the Lord about it. I'd actively re-surrendered my desire to move back to the city because after picking up my search recently, things seemed to be falling apart once again. It didn't bother me though. A fresh understanding of His goodness remained in my view. "I'll move when it's time," I reasoned.

Sweet surrender.

Within a day of this though, everything changed. The landlord who had been pursuing called again. "My friend doesn't really 'feel' this place," I thought. Though, despite some of the realities of the space which didn't line up with our hopes, I liked it and could see myself there. And, here he was again asking if there was any way for us to come to an understanding. In all of these years, in the many places I have lived, this has never happened. I called my friend. She agreed to take a second look. Her opinion shifted as we walked through it. I was surprised. Then, he worked with us on those details where we didn't line up originally and suddenly, it was done. Done. Moving Monday!

Honestly, the Lord has loved me so well in this process. Today, as I waited for the paperwork to clear, fear rose inside of me. "Maybe this is too good to be true?" I wondered while watching the support letters I was working on print. His voice was kind, but firm, "I will not fail or abandon you." Tears. Shaking my head 'yes' in response, I stopped. "Thank you, Lord. Thank you so much for caring so well for my heart."

I'm so in love with Him. He's handing me good gifts like they're going out of style right now. I feel humbled, blessed and seen. Because, well, I am. I'm just reminded, once again, how deep His love is for me and how well He cares for me and provides for me. It's amazing. Over and over again, He reminds me as He has throughout the past few weeks, "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want."

It's true. I don't want for anything. I'm incredibly grateful and feeling overwhelmed (in the best sense) tonight. As I continue thanking the Lord for being so wonderful (as always), I just wanted to brag on Him here a little bit. Hope you don't mind.

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Bon Appetit!

Thursday was full this week. The day began celebrating the life of the sweet little one who has meant so much to us. We later grabbed lunch and went to pet puppies. We were all dressed up in bright colors. I wore my four-inchers.

The afternoon found me in a meeting and after, I stopped in at a favorite coffee shop to work; though, I ended up spending the time chatting with my friend there. It was a timely visit and conversation. I felt thankful to have stopped in as I sat, listening to a present piece of her story. 

Realizing I had a short hour before I needed to be at my evening commitment, I decided to pop into my old neighborhood to grab a quick dinner. Thinking I'd sit at the bar, I went inside. But, looking out again, I thought, "It's such a lovely evening... I should enjoy it." I asked the hostess to seat me somewhere near the sidewalk and spent a quiet 40 minutes taking in the sights and sounds of the neighborhood I love so dearly. I felt overdressed, honestly, but smiled thinking of my former life in Boston. I fit in perfectly there wearing outfits like the one I had on. Oh how life has changed! I ate my dinner and realized how content I felt to be sitting there alone. I didn't feel it... Alone, I mean.

There was a moment, when I was mid-way through my meal, when a man walked by me and moved toward the parking lot on the other side of the building. I had a strange feeling that he had wanted to say something to me as he walked by. I shrugged the thought off, thinking it silly. Next thing I knew, he turned around and walked the seven paces back toward my table, lowered himself toward the table and extended his hands outward then inward towards his chest. Clasping his hands now, he smiled a sincerely kind smile; his eyes lit up as he slowly and carefully enunciated a clear, "Bon appetit!" He kept eye contact with me as I smiled, offering a cheery, "Thank you!" Then, as quickly as he came, he turned on his heels and left.

I was taken back in the best sense. I felt very noticed and even cared for. I sat there smiling at nothing for a while. It was as if the Father was saying, "Enjoy your dinner. I see you... Indeed, you aren't alone." It's sweet to remember the Lord is in the details. I'm so thankful for His generosity in employing a kind stranger to affirm His love for me. I think this is what longing for Him feels like... It is so, so good to be loved by Him. He's incredibly thoughtful...

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

The Ugly Never Really Came

There were a few moments in this day (I think there were three to be exact-ish), where I felt misunderstood. Funny thing is, I kept going. I didn't lose myself. These things stung a little (one stung a lot, if I'm honest). I felt the urge to explain myself.

And the world seemed to come to a standstill, turning its gaze in my direction.

I felt it.

I may have even nodded back at it. Like, "Yes, you see me world? I'm not receiving this stuff. I don't need to let it take me away from myself..." Still, you likely know this about me by now, I felt the tension. The little war which goes on inside my belly set off the alarms and prepared for the ugly. But, it never really came.

I wasn't perfectly composed. Nope. I wasn't. I haven't forgotten the things nor have I finished dealing with the one which needs to be further addressed. But, I was brave.

In one instance, I held my peace and let my rising objections subside into little peaceful waves. "I don't need you to affirm me or understand," I quietly mused. In another moment of opportunity, I picked up the phone and left the message I needed to leave. I wasn't fully myself... Somehow I used my voice to say what I needed to say. It's still not finished. I don't like that, but I'm okay.

It feels good to be here.

Sunday, September 08, 2013

More Important Questions

Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,  through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.  And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

Romans 5:1-5
(www.biblegateway.com)

He has led me here again. Romans 5. For years I have returned to this place in Scripture for consolation and comfort. Each time He has met me here, reminding me of what is true. The place I approach from today is no different. He has been inviting me to lift my eyes and acknowledge what is true. 

In my mind I have this picture of His eyes. There really aren't words to convey the experience as I look into them. Usually, they're hazel in color, but what I see there...?  Depth. Understanding. Care. Perfect 'seeing'. I know He knows me. I know He gets it. Somehow, I see His longing for me to see Him, too. All facades fall away and I come undone in my weariness, disappointment, sadness and in my desire to believe and to see what He sees. 

I picture myself sitting cross-legged and opening my palms before Him. "Lord, put faith in these hands. Establish in me hope and belief. Tell me the truth so I can live in it. Help me to set aside my incomplete understanding. Give me Your understanding..." The funny thing is, He typically doesn't give me the specific answers I'm seeking. One might find that frustrating. It's strange though... I find myself relieved not to know. I think it's because I trust Him. 

All things considered, at the end of the day, He has promised to work all things together for good for those who love Him. I have to believe this because it's true. Regardless of my feelings or the experience I've had in the places of pain, I've seen His goodness. I've experienced His faithfulness. How can I forget what's true? How can I disregard what He has lovingly sacrificed so I might have life? I cannot forget.

But how do I hope in the face of hardships?

A couple I love offered a blessing to me this week for my birthday. Part of the writing said, "One of the Hebrew words for 'hope' and 'wait' derives from the same root word. The Hebrew words translated 'hope' to mean confidence, twisting in labor pains, waiting, shelter, expectation, patience, security, trust, enduring, expectancy, something longed for. When your temptation to hopelessness continues without fulfillment, your Father says those who wait for Him will never be put to shame. Your Father is the God of hope who fills you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him..."

And I understand something significant. I'm asking trivial questions like, "Why, Lord?" When the more meaningful question is, "Who are You, Lord?" You see, I need to know Him as He really is. No longer viewing Him through earthly lenses, but heavenly ones. He holds all things in His hands. I don't simply cling to Him when I see how His promises are fulfilled. I cling to Him always, even when I cannot see. I don't let go of Him. Therefore, I can hope.

Friday, September 06, 2013

Uncharted Territory

Sophie came into the world on Sunday. She spent 10 short, but beautiful hours with her parents, extended family and friends. Lindsey and Kevin say it best here: 10 Precious Hours... Personally speaking, it was one of the greatest honors I've ever had to meet, hold and kiss her. And while we celebrate her life which has touched countless other lives, we also grieve. We grieve deeply.

Being with them in the hospital for a few days as Lindsey bravely labored and Kevin showed remarkable strength and courage was a gift. Welcoming Sophie was so beautiful. Losing her was terrible. And, to be honest, I haven't known how to celebrate my own birthday this week in light of the events of last weekend.

Yesterday, I was thrilled to see them. Linds, in her kindness and care asked, "What are you doing to celebrate your birthday?" The reality that she'd ask me that question in the midst of this was incredibly loving and selfless. Though, I've seen those two things in her throughout this season and have been amazed by the way she desires to see other people and their stories as she walks in her own. I'm blessed to have her in my life and call her one of my dearest and best friends. I wasn't sure what to tell her. So, I told her the truth... "It's been hard to think of how to celebrate, but I know I'll regret it if I don't..."

It's just that everything else seems so very small in comparison...

And, I'm wrestling with the Lord right now. I know He is good. I know He is faithful and loving and kind. I know He is able. I know He is willing. And, perhaps this is why I wrestle with Him.

There are layers to this season ahead and I don't know how to walk in it. It's a challenge to consider how to approach it all in my own life let alone knowing how to journey alongside some of the people I love the most. The thing I'm understanding today is that I don't have to know how. Even as I wrestle with God, He is still with me and loves me right here. He will show me the way forward and help me.

It's a strange thing to trust Him so much, yet wonder why He would allow the things He allows all at once. If anyone thinks following Jesus is easy, I guess I don't see what they see. I'm thankful for Him. He is the way, the truth, and the life indeed. But He doesn't always make sense... And the path isn't easy. He doesn't accomplish things the way I would. But then again, He is God and I am not.

So today, I sit here and invite Him to show me how to celebrate and live from a place of abiding joy. I ask Him to love on my friends and comfort them. I tell Him again how I need Him and how I really don't understand. This has to be good enough for today. It just has to be.


Wednesday, August 28, 2013

When You Don't Have the Answers

Yesterday and today I've been a weepy mess. The level of tenderness feels foreign to me because I cannot see where exactly it is rooted which feels very challenging--it doesn't make 'sense'. And, I realized: it's grief. Driving yesterday, I remembered back to a time earlier in my life when I lost someone I cared about. Friends who surrounded me didn't understand my behavior (because it was odd) and they worried.

I remember walking to class with my friend, Autumn a few weeks after my friend died. As we walked up the hill by the University Center (UC to us), she expressed how everyone was concerned about me. She said, "Jess, we think that you might have an eating disorder..." I stopped in the sidewalk as we made the decent to the other side of the building and looked at her with a mixture of anger and compassion. "I don't have an eating disorder, Autumn... I'm just grieving. I know my behavior is strange and honestly, I haven't been able to see it very clearly until you shared those details. Thanks for that--I'm so grateful for the way you all care about me so much. I think this is just my way of coping with what just happened... I don't know how to do this..."Looking back on that season of my life, not much made sense. I walked through days often unaware of my behavior or why I felt the way I did. It was my first true experience with grief.

Monday night, I was grateful to get time with Lindsey. We got Slurpees and took a long walk, catching up on all of the recent details of this waiting process. It's interesting to hear and see how each of us have had to live by faith. It has been weighty and daily the reality feels heavier. I'm so proud of her for the way she's walking through this. She and Kevin have stewarded Sophie's life in a powerfully loving way. I'm blessed by their example (I know I've said it before, but it's just so true).

And, the tears have followed. It's so hard to see my friends in pain. It's a challenge to have once had such strong faith and belief about the way this story turns out and to yield to the understanding that I just don't know how it all turns out. I think there has been a delay in my emotions catching up to the depth of this situation. I've felt things throughout, of course, but this current place... Well, it's the really real. These are the moments when I look to the Lord and say, "Meet me. Press in. Show me what You see. Show me how You love." And I cry. A lot.

Please pray for all of us if you would. For Linds and Kevin. For sweet baby Sophie. For me and my friend, Julie. For the families and the other close friends who are walking daily in this process. We need your prayers today. We need to see the Lord today. We long to cling to His promises today.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Waiting is Hard

We're on day 11 past Sophie's due date and I think we're all feeling it. We're wondering, "Lord, why the delay?" We trust His timing to be perfect. I was just thinking last night about all of the people who need to be present for this sweet baby's birth. Which doctors, nurses and other hospital staff are supposed to be present? Who are the people who need to be in the waiting room, those we're supposed to meet and encourage, while we await Sophie's arrival? He doesn't miss anything and so I trust these final preparations are underway so Sophie can come in His proper time.

But, I don't understand it still. My friends are tired and labor pains have been long (since the wee hours of yesterday morning) -- I include Kevin in this ("friends") because I know he's totally in it with Linds. It's really incredible to know that, actually. One dear friend is caring so well for another dear friend--both of them on this unexpected journey of faith in their life and marriage together. How kind is God to allow me to know them both and live life with them? How kind is God to show me devotion, faithfulness, belief and the beauty of wrestling through the questions as I've sat on the front row watching this story unfold? What a model of devotion they are to me. How kind is God to give all of us the gift of Sophie?

I lost it this morning. I started freaking out as I stood against the wall doing the exercise my chiropractor has asked me to do for my neck. I gripped the wall hoping it would hold me up. The tears fell and I told the Lord, "I just want to stuff these feelings away. I want to drown them out with activity and diversion. I don't want to feel what I'm feeling and wonder what I'm wondering..." I want to know what God knows right now, guys. I want to know the end of this story. He gently reminded me, "Trust Me. I'm good. I'm faithful." He invited me to press in.

I read the story of Solomon dedicating the Temple in I Kings 8. I read of his wholehearted devotion to God and the way the Lord received him. That story doesn't end well--Solomon eventually releases his faithful devotion to God. I want to be a person who embraces the Lord right where He has me. David did this... God didn't allow him to build the Temple, so what did he do? He set aside everything he could to ensure it would be fabulous when his son built it. He honored God even when God gave him a "No". His heart belonged to the Lord.

I guess the bottom line is this, I get to choose to believe the Lord today. Choose to believe what He says when He tells me He is faithful and true. When He shows me His perfect goodness and righteousness, I get to I bow in surrender and take joy in it. He is God. I am not.

Waiting is hard. As we've texted back and forth this morning, I'm encouraged to be in this with Linds and Julie, our other dearest friend. I'm thankful for the friendship we have and the way God has knit us together through so much life lived together. I'm thankful we can offer one another comedic relief and prayer and Scripture to uplift and encourage one another. I'm thankful to know they'd go to bat for me in the way we're standing in the gap with and for Linds right now. I wouldn't trade this season. And, whatever is to come, I won't trade that either.

So, we wait. We hope. We pray that even now, God is knitting together Sophie's skull and her brain inside of Lindsey. We trust the Author of Life to sustain these dear ones. To offer them hope. To invite them deeper into Himself. We ask Him to do the same in us.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Sophie

We're all waiting. We don't know what will happen in the next few days and yet, we continue to pray for complete healing. It would be a miracle. Sophia Kyla Dennis is precious to me, but I haven't met her face-to-face. She's the unborn baby of two of my dearest friends here in Orlando and her brain and skull haven't been developing as she's been growing inside of Lindsey. Her due date has come and gone. Now, we wait. We wait to see what God, the Author of Life, who always leads us into life will do. We trust Him. We petition Him. And, we wonder... Our questions are unanswered and new ones are constantly forming.

This season has been weighty and sweet. We've all taken deeper steps in our understanding of where our hope is placed. As our hope is in the Lord, we won't be disappointed even in the midst of grief. And, there has already been grief. We've been grieving the story we thought He was giving Lindsey and Kevin when we all found out they were expecting their first baby. We've been grieving a broken world which has been redeemed by Jesus and that which is not-yet whole, but is also presently whole because He purchased our freedom through His death on the cross and resurrection from the dead.

Yet, we also press in and grow in our understanding that what He purchased--our healing, our freedom, the true life He intended from the beginning--is offered to us now. We see the example of Jesus and the way He healed every person who came to Him. We see the Apostles and how even the cast of their shadow brought healing to someone. We know the most critical healing is our spiritual healing--no longer separated from God because of our sin, but made alive with Christ as God raised Him from the dead. We see and we wrestle. Our faith grows. Our dependence grows. Our longing for things to finally be set fully right grows.

And, we wait.

We love you, Sophie. We're so thankful for your life. You are precious to us. Come see us soon. We're so excited to meet you face-to-face. xo

(More on Sophie's story here)

Monday, August 12, 2013

The Challenges of Peacemaking

I've been exposed a lot these past 18 months. Some of the things people have shared with others have been partial truths, while other things haven't been true at all. There has been damage caused in relationships as a result of people speaking out aspects of my 'story' to others. This week, I experienced another similar circumstance. This time, albeit I knew the intention lacked malice of any sort, the piece of my 'story' wasn't even from my story. I felt frustrated because I was 'outed' for something that wasn't true. I wondered about how the other person who was invited in to the conversation would view me (I'd only met the person one time). Encouragingly, I saw it--my desire to be seen a certain way. I could make different decisions on how to respond because I saw this. I'm thankful for the seeing.

In my life right now, I'm learning to be a peacemaker and it's painful. Up to this point, I think I'd describe myself as a peacekeeper. The distinction is key. I'm learning to lean in to conflict (whatever form it takes) in hopes of living life in a more honest way with people. I don't want to hide anymore. I'm not ashamed of who I am or how I feel or what I'm walking through. Because I know I'm loved, I can tell the truth. But, I'm not great at this peacemaker thing...

Even though it's true that I'm loved completely and can therefore walk unashamedly in my stuff, there was something in this circumstance which required mending. I needed to do what doesn't come naturally yet. I needed to be a peacemaker. Because, the truth is, this friend still shared my 'story' with someone else without my permission. They made a decision for me--it's okay to share this because 'we' want to have an open environment. They went further by defining the terms of what it meant to achieve this sort of framework: Everything I want to know about you needs to be on the table for everyone else to know about you. Even if what they shared was true (and perhaps more so if it had actually been the case), I would have felt as I did. You see, our stories are ours to tell and ours alone. Unless we grant someone permission to put us on display, a boundary is being crossed. It must be acknowledged because we take something from them: dignity.

The thing is, I've done this, too and I've meant well. But, I've made a decision for those people in those circumstances. I've taken their voices away from them and replaced them with my own. My hope is to continue to be a person who can be trusted with the stories of others. I have a long way to go in the process for sure. This circumstance helped me to see this even more clearly in my own life.

Honestly, I wish I would have launched in to the conversation differently with my friend tonight though. I have a regret about how I dived in so directly. I wish I would have said, "Hey, I know you probably didn't intend this, but here's how I experienced what happened..." Instead, I expressed what was hard and awkwardly walked through the conversation. I became defensive when I felt misunderstood about what was hard and when we didn't see eye to eye on why it was a big deal for me.

And, I don't know where this friend and I will be in the future as a result of this conversation. That's extremely challenging for me... I want peace, but what it takes to arrive there at times feels more like war to me. I hate that feeling. Perhaps it's why 'Peacemaker' hasn't topped my list as most desired character quality. So tonight, I go to sleep with mixed emotions. I'm thankful for the way I'm finally using my voice. I only hope I learn to be a more loving, generous, compassionate person as I become a peacemaker.

Thursday, August 08, 2013

In Quietness and Rest...

I've been tired this week. The sort of tired where my body says, "Stop! Why are you still in motion?"  Needless to say, I felt so grateful to wake up this morning without need to pull myself together to leave the house for an appointment. I made an egg with veggies and some toast. I slowly drank my coffee. Sitting down to read, I felt all over the place and finally asked the Lord to bring stillness to me and show me something meaningful. After, I came upon Psalm 93:

The Lord is king! He is robed in majesty.
    Indeed, the Lord is robed in majesty and armed with strength.
The world stands firm
    and cannot be shaken.
Your throne, O Lord, has stood from time immemorial.
    You yourself are from the everlasting past.
The floods have risen up, O Lord.
    The floods have roared like thunder;
    the floods have lifted their pounding waves.
But mightier than the violent raging of the seas,
    mightier than the breakers on the shore—
    the Lord above is mightier than these!
Your royal laws cannot be changed.
    Your reign, O Lord, is holy forever and ever.

The house I'm living in right now has a lovely bit of open space behind it. I sat here looking out on green fields warming in the wake of the rising sun considering these words. It is such a comfort to know the Lord. I'm thankful for the reminders in this particular Psalm because as I remember who He is, I find rest.

I sensed an opportunity to sit in the knowledge of His love for me. So I asked Him, "Lord, would You show me how You love me today?" As I waited, several different people and the related circumstances I'm walking through with them came to mind. My eyes welled up with tears as I thought about each. They weren't tears of sadness, but tears of release. I realized the Lord was inviting me to hand the questions, the frustrations and the outcomes to Him. I asked, "Lord, would You show me how Your love touches these things and how I'm to respond knowing that You love me perfectly and completely?"

In the midst of the weariness, these are the sweetest moments I could ask for with God. Learning to sit in the quiet to hear Him today made space for the things going on in my heart to surface. It allowed a place for me to understand how the Lord loves me and relates to me. We looked at them together. In the process, He invited me to lift my eyes -- to see what He sees. I saw His goodness and His love. And, as I remembered the truth of who He is, I found peace and strength at the start of this new day.

Friday, August 02, 2013

Your Love Never Fails

Life has been on the upswing lately. Really. Something has shifted and I'm looking at the world differently. I think it has a lot to do with love. Perhaps for the first time ever, I really know (like know in the bottom of my stomach down to the edges of my toes and back up again to the top of my head know-know) how the Lord loves me. He just does. It's simple. It's profound. I find rest here in His love.

So imagine my surprise as yesterday and today I'm walking around with some sadness. I mean, knowing how He loves me these days has made a significant impact on all the little and big things taking place inside of me and on the outside, too. But, then I started seeing this sadness there and I've been asking Him about it. Well, if I'm honest, at first I decided to ignore it, assuming it would pass. Then it was there again in the afternoon yesterday and last night as I drove home. I cried a little and asked Him why I was crying.

Today, I sat with my journal for a few minutes and wrote out three things I really want right now. The tears came again. I think I hit the sweet spot. (Or perhaps more appropriately, the tender spot.) I closed the pages sort-of quickly because I really don't want to cry today. I just want to enjoy this corner I've turned...sans the tears, you know? (Don't get me wrong--I'm all about the tears, but lately they've come from a place of peace or joy or understanding, not sadness...)

Turning around, there was my Bible on the sofa. Picking myself up and placing it on my lap as I sat down again, I opened it and these words (underlined by yours truly) flew off the page, "I will lead blind Israel down a new path, guiding them along an unfamiliar way. I will brighten the darkness before them and smooth out the road ahead of them. Yes, I will indeed do these things; I will not forsake them. But those who trust in idols, who say, 'You are our gods', will be turned away in shame." Isaiah 42:6-17

Then, my eyes skipped to the page on the left and I read more underlined words: "He will not crush the weakest reed or put out a flickering candle. He will bring justice to all who have been wronged. He will not falter or lose heart until justice prevails throughout the earth." Isaiah 42:4

In the right-hand margin, I had written this... "He will lead me out of this..." 12.13.12

The Lord is so beautiful in the way He loves and provides for us. Reflecting on how this passage tells us about the coming Messiah, Jesus and goes on to celebrate God's goodness to His people, I cried for the third time since late last night. The truth is, He has walked me through a very painful wilderness season and I'm seeing it fade away into the distance behind me now. I've stepped into a new season, but I was reminded as I read these words today how even here, having been through all of that, there will be sadness. I really don't want to see that reality today. I want bubblegum and gumdrops and things that remind one to always be happy.

Yet, God in His goodness reminds me that my hope in Him is fruitful. If I put it in other things, 'idols' as the passage mentions, I'm going to be very, very disappointed. There are longings inside of me which provide me a unique opportunity: Will I move toward the Lord with them or move away? Will the longings and the lack I feel inside as they remain unfulfilled become my focus, or will I place my hope in Him?

If there's anything I've learned about longing in the past decade, it's simply how God desires to honor what He's put inside of me, but always in His way and His time. I must be faithful. I must move forward and steward the things in my heart I know are from Him. And, I must also wait. Waiting is hard. But He tells me how He's good. He won't crush me or my hope in this process. He won't give up on the good plans He has. He will bring justice to the places in my life where brokenness has wreaked havoc (and I've seen Him do just that these past eight months!). He won't forsake me. He never has. He doesn't fail.

So today, I'm choosing to feel this sadness. I picture myself cupping my hands together offering those three little (rather, one smallish, two rather enormous) items up to Him. I see Him smile and nod His head. How the Father delights in the way we choose to trust Him... I know I can do this now because He loves me. He loves me enough to tell me to rest and to wait as He brightens the darkness ahead of me, leading me on a smooth and unfamiliar path.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Make a Cup of Coffee


Do you ever suffer from an internal low-grade pressure? The kind which seems to speak: "Do. Do something. Make something happen!" What happens when you don't know what to do or how to make the thing you're thinking of happen? I've been considering these questions today as I've felt the pressure rise inside again. The past ten days I've been wondering about next steps and how they happen. Plus, what about all of these people involved (and the many opinions that accompany many people)? I've lacked focus and I've felt restless.

I woke up Friday morning and in the quiet first moments of the day, sensed the Lord saying, "You could take the next few days off..." I've been wanting to schedule a few consecutive days of rest, but each time I consulted my calendar, the time appeared to be at least two weeks away. But, He was right... I had no commitments over the weekend personally, if I took Sunday off and completed a few things Friday morning to free up the rest of the day, I could have 3.5 days! So, I did it.

Friday evening a friend joined me for a low-key evening in, complete with dinner and a movie. Saturday I stayed home again. I watched another movie and a few episodes of a favorite TV show. I mowed the lawn. I ran an errand. I think I napped? Sunday, I decided to go out of town overnight and booked a hotel on the Gulf Coast. Minus the adventure I created for myself by forgetting my purse (including cash, cards and identification) at home, two hours from where I'd just driven, it was a refreshing weekend. Who said grown-ups don't need their parents? Mine laughed with me and generously wired me money so I could eat more than the two granola bars, plum and four baby carrots I had remaining in my snack stash. Thanks Mom and Dad! (Not to mention, thanks to the kind people at the hotel who allowed me to check in...) I took a walk on the beach, ate Cuban food, spent time with the Lord, ate ice cream, laid out the next morning... In all, it was grand.

So today I've been feeling the pressure again. It goes something like this... "Jessica, you need to get it together and make these things happen. You need to be more creative. You need to have a plan for where you're going and know how to get there... What are you going to tell people? Why would anyone follow you unless you have a comprehensive plan? You have to prove you're worth it to the team..." Once I acknowledged this voice in my head, I was able to recognize something... In the past few years, God has been teaching me a significant lesson and it goes like this: Be Still.  Everything this voice was saying was encouraging the opposite. In fact, I felt panic rise. I wondered how badly I was failing. I wondered how disposable I would become if I couldn't get it together to be brilliant and perfect. What lies.

The truth is, God wants me to give every part of who I am to Him. The sweetest seasons these past few years have come as I've sat with Him and waited. I've asked questions. I've listened (often as I read His Word He begins speaking things to me from there about direction and ideas...). I've moved when He has indicated it is the time to begin. And the cool thing? There's been good fruit. Some days I can't see it well, but it's okay. As I'm walking with Jesus, fully giving myself to Him and enjoying Him, He does things I can't picture at the starting line. He exceeds my expectations of what I thought possible -- always. I need to see this, too. I need to remember because the way He works is very different than the way the world invites me to work.

The hard part? He gets the credit. Of course, that's actually wonderful... But, my pride struggles with it at times. If I'm honest, I still see myself wanting to build my own kingdom. I still see myself wanting to be thought of in a way where others respect me, want me around, see me as a vital part of the team because of what I contribute. That's where this "prove your worth" mentality comes in. When I forget that what He asks of me is to give myself to Him -- not just what I do, but every aspect of who I am -- so He can move in and through me, I live under this invisible pressure. He is not the source of this pressure. The thing is, I don't have to live there. It's totally my choice.

So today, instead of sitting under it, I heard the Lord. I heard Him tell me He loves me. I heard Him say He knows the steps. I heard Him say He has the ideas. And, I heard Him invite me to make a cup of coffee. So, I did. And, it's grand. It's so good to remember that He is God. It's so good to remember that He'll give me what I need to do what He wants me to do. It's so good to remember that my role is to listen and obey. (Oh, and don't forget enjoy!! He's absolutely wonderful and worth spending time with, you know?)