I've been exposed a lot these past 18 months. Some of the things people have shared with others have been partial truths, while other things haven't been true at all. There has been damage caused in relationships as a result of people speaking out aspects of my 'story' to others. This week, I experienced another similar circumstance. This time, albeit I knew the intention lacked malice of any sort, the piece of my 'story' wasn't even from my story. I felt frustrated because I was 'outed' for something that wasn't true. I wondered about how the other person who was invited in to the conversation would view me (I'd only met the person one time). Encouragingly, I saw it--my desire to be seen a certain way. I could make different decisions on how to respond because I saw this. I'm thankful for the seeing.
In my life right now, I'm learning to be a peacemaker and it's painful. Up to this point, I think I'd describe myself as a peacekeeper. The distinction is key. I'm learning to lean in to conflict (whatever form it takes) in hopes of living life in a more honest way with people. I don't want to hide anymore. I'm not ashamed of who I am or how I feel or what I'm walking through. Because I know I'm loved, I can tell the truth. But, I'm not great at this peacemaker thing...
Even though it's true that I'm loved completely and can therefore walk unashamedly in my stuff, there was something in this circumstance which required mending. I needed to do what doesn't come naturally yet. I needed to be a peacemaker. Because, the truth is, this friend still shared my 'story' with someone else without my permission. They made a decision for me--it's okay to share this because 'we' want to have an open environment. They went further by defining the terms of what it meant to achieve this sort of framework: Everything I want to know about you needs to be on the table for everyone else to know about you. Even if what they shared was true (and perhaps more so if it had actually been the case), I would have felt as I did. You see, our stories are ours to tell and ours alone. Unless we grant someone permission to put us on display, a boundary is being crossed. It must be acknowledged because we take something from them: dignity.
The thing is, I've done this, too and I've meant well. But, I've made a decision for those people in those circumstances. I've taken their voices away from them and replaced them with my own. My hope is to continue to be a person who can be trusted with the stories of others. I have a long way to go in the process for sure. This circumstance helped me to see this even more clearly in my own life.
Honestly, I wish I would have launched in to the conversation differently with my friend tonight though. I have a regret about how I dived in so directly. I wish I would have said, "Hey, I know you probably didn't intend this, but here's how I experienced what happened..." Instead, I expressed what was hard and awkwardly walked through the conversation. I became defensive when I felt misunderstood about what was hard and when we didn't see eye to eye on why it was a big deal for me.
And, I don't know where this friend and I will be in the future as a result of this conversation. That's extremely challenging for me... I want peace, but what it takes to arrive there at times feels more like war to me. I hate that feeling. Perhaps it's why 'Peacemaker' hasn't topped my list as most desired character quality. So tonight, I go to sleep with mixed emotions. I'm thankful for the way I'm finally using my voice. I only hope I learn to be a more loving, generous, compassionate person as I become a peacemaker.
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