When You Don't Have the Answers

Yesterday and today I've been a weepy mess. The level of tenderness feels foreign to me because I cannot see where exactly it is rooted which feels very challenging--it doesn't make 'sense'. And, I realized: it's grief. Driving yesterday, I remembered back to a time earlier in my life when I lost someone I cared about. Friends who surrounded me didn't understand my behavior (because it was odd) and they worried.

I remember walking to class with my friend, Autumn a few weeks after my friend died. As we walked up the hill by the University Center (UC to us), she expressed how everyone was concerned about me. She said, "Jess, we think that you might have an eating disorder..." I stopped in the sidewalk as we made the decent to the other side of the building and looked at her with a mixture of anger and compassion. "I don't have an eating disorder, Autumn... I'm just grieving. I know my behavior is strange and honestly, I haven't been able to see it very clearly until you shared those details. Thanks for that--I'm so grateful for the way you all care about me so much. I think this is just my way of coping with what just happened... I don't know how to do this..."Looking back on that season of my life, not much made sense. I walked through days often unaware of my behavior or why I felt the way I did. It was my first true experience with grief.

Monday night, I was grateful to get time with Lindsey. We got Slurpees and took a long walk, catching up on all of the recent details of this waiting process. It's interesting to hear and see how each of us have had to live by faith. It has been weighty and daily the reality feels heavier. I'm so proud of her for the way she's walking through this. She and Kevin have stewarded Sophie's life in a powerfully loving way. I'm blessed by their example (I know I've said it before, but it's just so true).

And, the tears have followed. It's so hard to see my friends in pain. It's a challenge to have once had such strong faith and belief about the way this story turns out and to yield to the understanding that I just don't know how it all turns out. I think there has been a delay in my emotions catching up to the depth of this situation. I've felt things throughout, of course, but this current place... Well, it's the really real. These are the moments when I look to the Lord and say, "Meet me. Press in. Show me what You see. Show me how You love." And I cry. A lot.

Please pray for all of us if you would. For Linds and Kevin. For sweet baby Sophie. For me and my friend, Julie. For the families and the other close friends who are walking daily in this process. We need your prayers today. We need to see the Lord today. We long to cling to His promises today.