Rebuilding & Restoration

"What does this bunch of poor, feeble Jews think they're doing? Do they think they can build the wall in a single day by just offering a few sacrifices? Do they actually think they can make something of stones from a rubbish heap--and charred ones at that?" --Sanballat, Nehemiah 4: 1-2

Sometimes I wonder that, too: "Do I actually think..." The enemies of Israel were not kind. In fact, in Nehemiah, we see them reminding the Jews of the truth--the city was vulnerable and the work to restore the city wall was an enormous endeavor. I see my life in the picture of those simple stones that have been laid in a rubbish heap. I feel the coarseness of the char that exists in my soul from days gone by that have brought destruction and death. And, over the years, I've chosen to believe the enemy.

Thank God for the "Nehemiah's" of the world! As he learns of the enemy's threats, he establishes a system for protection so the rebuilding might continue when under attack. I love what he says after putting this framework into play (Nehemiah 4:19-20):

"The work is very spread out, and we are widely separated from each other along the wall. When you hear the blast of the trumpet, rush to wherever it is sounding. Then our God will fight for us!"

Two things stand out to me; first, the people were called to help one another--they were in it together--and two, even when they might rush to where the trumpet was sounding, Nehemiah recognized that it was God who would fight for them--Nehemiah knew God. Amazing.

Years of my life have gone by where I've lived in unseen bondage to beliefs established in the past. My walls of protection have turned to rubble as patterns were secured where I listened to and lived in light of the lies. I lost sight of what it looked like to fight. Honestly, I don't think I realized there was something real to battle. While I've delved into some of this during the last three years, over Christmas it became apparent that there were more areas of vulnerability in my life. And God, in His kindness, opened my eyes to see and hear the taunts of the Enemy. He brought someone alongside me to battle with me, but ultimately, He was the one providing the insight, direction, clarity and power needed to win.

I'm not sure if the Jews felt this way, but I was humbled by my lack of faith and belief. I cried tears of repentance and told God how sad I was that I believed so many things that are contrary to who He is for so long. And, the wall isn't fully rebuilt yet, but it's a beginning. There are more battles to engage in and I must live with resolution to believe God and invite other people to be in it with me. This past week I've been so grateful as He has shown generosity towards me, allowing me to recognize things that aren't from me or from Him. It has changed my perspective on the world and the impact of the supernatural in my day-to-day.

My heart is that God would fully restore me. I know it's possible--Jesus made it so. And, I know He will. I'm asking Him again to take this rubble and build a wall so solid that the lies remain on the outside. We cannot give what we do not have, after all. I know that experiencing the freedom He bought for me will have far reaching influence; I just need to live in light of it first. The exciting thing is, He is already accomplishing it in and through me...

Belonging

I'd be lying if I didn't say that sometimes I want to give up on people. Recently I've been considering what it means to continue to take the initiative in relationships even when the prospect of doing so leaves me open to feelings of rejection. Or, in another vein, finds me wondering "what if"--what if I didn't initiate? Would others seek me out and include me?

We've all found ourselves in positions like this, I'm sure. This reality has hit home a few times over the past several months when I've reached out to friends to make plans or include them in something I'm doing, but they don't reciprocate or think to call me when they move forward on something we've all talked about doing. It's hurtful, honestly and I have wondered why I wasn't included. But, it feels petty and shameful to be sad about being left out in those moments.

Yet, what I realize is that this can be significant in a couple of ways: one,  feeling forgotten or unwanted by people I care about is painful; and two, what I want to do with that pain is a weighty reality. Often, I want to close myself off from those relationships because it hurts too deeply to continue in them. Why would I want to set myself up for further disappointments? In the past, I've done that--cut people out, I mean. Let me say now, it's not a great option. In the process, you shut off important things inside of you that take effort and time, and yes, more pain to re-open. But, what are we to do with it all?

My brother and I were talking about this on the phone today. I told him that I'm trying to live a better story in this area of my life and seeking to remain open. Part of this comes from remembering that other people also want to belong. What does it look like for me to love radically and to re-frame what feels like rejection from some into an opportunity and invitation for others to step into life with me? It reminds me of the story Jesus told in Luke 14 of a rich man who planned a large banquet and at the last moment, all of his friends unanimously decided to find better things to do than come to his feast. Instead of sulking about, he made a decision to include those who were never included. He sent his servants out with the directive to search high and low for anyone who would come to his feast and fill his house. Now, I'm taking this a bit out of context here... I mean, I'm not a rich man who is experiencing purposeful rejection by his friends for some social reason the reader isn't privy to, but I can learn from him. He sought out those who did not belong and brought them in. How beautiful! Isn't that exactly what God has done for us? It made me further consider:

Who are those around me (including my current friends) who I might pursue and take the initiative with even when it means more risk for me?

How might I include them?

If my friends opt out, why wouldn't I pursue others and make new memories with them?

And, with regard to my closer friends, why hold a grudge or act out on the hurt? Forgiveness is key to maintaining strong relationships with them and keeping myself available to loving them well. I don't want to be a person who develops a bitter heart. I do want to be a person who gives others grace and remains open to relationships even when they hurt.

What it really comes down to is that I want to belong. I think others do, too, so I think I can choose to move towards them with joy and enthusiasm, don't you?

Reason 1.85 Million I Know God Loves Me

Peanut butter and dark chocolate, I mean, four words that make me remember God's love for me in a low key way. Today, I had such a hankering for a rich treat and I knew I'd be disappointed if I didn't eat something that satisfied it. But there is always a risk; often, the craving leads you in a direction and you buy something that doesn't measure up and then it's sad, right? : )

Well, I had to run to the chiropractor a little while ago and all day I kept thinking about chocolate cake. I knew that I didn't want to take the time to make one (and I know that THAT one would be perfect!), so I was considering other options.

By the way, isn't it nice that this took over my thought-life today?

Back to the topic at hand... I went to the chiropractor and as I walked in I saw Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory (Go Colorado!) just to the right of the office. And, after my adjustment, I laughed at myself thinking here I was having done something good for my body and now, well, welcome sugar!! I quickly made my way next store and discovered an enormous dark chocolate peanut butter cup. Let's just say my craving and a little over five dollars is gone. (As is seventy-percent of that deliciousness...)

Even better, I was cleaning out the trunk of my car when I got home (moving around for a few months has a way of helping one gather piles of things) and came across a box of papers and cards. Filtering through the items, I found a Publix receipt and wrapped therein: seven dollars! I made money today. Not too shabby!

Happy Monday, world. I think the week is looking up.

What I Don't Want

Something inside of me felt like it stopped this past month--on a level, I have felt like I was simply surviving, but in that place I was beginning to ask and answer some important questions. The Lord has been encouraging me to understand what it is that I want these past few months. It still sounds a bit nonspiritual actually--what I want has never seemed that important in the big scheme of things. Yet, I know a lot of people who know what they want in life and there are many moments where I envy them. There are aspects of that part of my journey that I do understand (the why's), but still many reasons remain unclear even now.

So, I began to consider what it is that I don't want--these things seemed so much more easily identifiable!:

I don't want to be stagnant.
I don't want to live in fear.
I don't want that particular person to have access to my emotional life anymore.
I don't want to be in pain (and I was choosing it this time).
I don't want to give up on the dreams God has given to me.
I don't want to place my own expectations on what God has shown me, thereby putting my hope in those things and not in Him.

And, from there I gained a bit of perspective. I closed the door of my heart to a lingering emotional relationship that needed to end because I realized I want to be in an actual relationship. I made a decision to move into a home and ended a few months of moving around town, staying with different (and generous!) friends because I knew the time had come where I could re-settle--doing so was something I really needed. I started scribbling down some notes for my writing again and dreaming of what else might come in that process. I feel hopeful as I witness this creativity rising inside of me. That's a start, I guess.

I do feel free in this place. I'm learning. I'm growing. And, I'm experiencing God's love for me in the crevices of my soul that He's working to redeem and restore. Thank God that He brings transformation... There's no way I could do this without Him.

And So I Remain...

Some friends and I have committed to living life intentionally together this next year. Each week, or as it's gone recently at least, we've gathered to share a meal, pray, dig into our study of the book of Luke and generally, step into the stories represented by the seven people in the room. I am still unsure what to expect of what our Tuesday's will hold for us in the months ahead; but last night, for the second week in a row, I found myself taking a deep breath and settling in. I almost wore my pajama pants again. Almost.

I facilitated our time of study and although we were supposed to be somewhere around chapter four, I felt nudged back to chapters one and two in the previous days of personal study. So we went backwards. There's something kind-of sweet about it to me as I think of it tonight. In doing so, we revisited the stories of Mary, Elizabeth, Zechariah, Simeon and Anna. I don't know about you, but I have glossed over the details of their vignettes as the years have swept onward. After all, the big picture finds us witnessing the births of John the Baptist and Jesus--What do these other details matter? Well, that's me anyway. I love the macro--the vision--where it's all going...

Stopped in my tracks this week, however, I noticed many things including these two highlights: the Holy Spirit was so present in the process and each person knew God. In fact, my greatest encouragement came from the stories of Simeon and Anna... Both recognized the Messiah, Jesus, when they met Him. Through intimate relationship with God, each was able to witness the movement of God as it happened. They didn't miss it, but rejoiced in the seeing: God's salvation had come! And, they saw this in the face of a baby!!

This caused me to consider the Pharisees--they had so much knowledge about God, yet when looking at Jesus, seeing Him face-to-face, they somehow missed the movement of God. Their knowledge of Him was limited because they never experienced the joy and struggle of relationship with God. Isn't that sad?

All of this caused me to think, of course, about my present life circumstances. There are things that I certainly don't understand about what God is doing. There have been recent days where I have wanted Him to behave in a way that makes total sense to me. I want Him to spell out the path ahead so I can just follow it. What I realize, however, is that what He is offering me is far better...

He's offering me relationship. He's affording me the opportunity to know Him. In so doing, He's continuing to build trust into the very fabric of my being. And, He's doing all of this so I will be able, in part, to witness His movement as it happens. Knowing Him, not just knowing about Him, is preparing me to really see Him.

When the insecurities and fear rise within me (like they did last Wednesday), the Lord is asking me to take a deep breath and engage. I'm learning that sure, I can ask for a formula or lean on my own understanding, but in the end, all those ideas have left me with is a lousy bit of insomnia... It's a lovely picture, really: I'm laying awake in the middle of the night imagining the drive to the airport, frantically booking a ticket and hopping a plane to Colorado. I don't know what happens when I land, but I assure all of us that I'd rather take my chances knowing Him here where He's asked me to wait and believe.  

Inspired by this Tonight

This caused me to again remember the dreams that I have and that it takes hard work and time to pursue them. From what I've heard from this album, I love it... A friend of a friend, I met Katie once or twice in college--it's so fun to see where she's gone in her life and career. And tonight, this story reminds me to choose courage and continue to take forward steps in my life.

A Day...

Stepping out of my car tonight at the place I'm staying, I felt the coolness of 70-some degrees (I can't believe I just typed that...) and the sound of a plane drew my attention upward. On its landing course, its lights flashed brightly against a deep blue-black sky. All I could think, "I want to be on you..." Well, heading somewhere else, I guess.

There are such good things happening in my life right now, but today sadness crept in again. Without warning and in two different public places, I cried. And cried. And cried again. In the process I received hurtful words and gave some. Yuck. Feeling wounded, I added to the cycle and I just feel grief.

I wish I understood why some things in my life are as they are at the moment, but I don't. It feels painful and I feel childish. A friend encouraged me, "Jess, you don't know why, but let it out... Sit in it. There's something for you in this." It is a great reminder. Another offered grace. Why is it so hard to receive?

Wishing I could change things, but knowing I have zero control, I stop trying as a new sniffle rises. Things might look different in the morning. I hope.

Big Sisters

Something I've noticed in the past year or so is the lack of older people in my life. Certainly I'm around people that are older in age and maturity than I, yet I haven't had the opportunity to spend much time with them. Having moved thousands of miles away from some of my "key" people, staying in touch has been more challenging and thus, the lack has grown.

Three months ago I started to feel the weight of it. Pouring out a lot by investing in some great relationships here, I noticed that I was growing tired and began to see how this deficit was affecting me. Wanting to continue to give and take responsibility for my own needs, I began to pray that God would provide some women in my life, further along in the journey, to whom I might connect with more regularly.

And, arriving back in town after being on the road for the past few months, a string of circumstances appeared that required more energy and faith on my part. I knew: "I need someone to walk in this with me. I cannot do this season alone." A few days after this occurred to me, a woman I respect and enjoy approached me--after catching up a little bit, I asked her if she would prayerfully consider meeting with me this fall as I walked through some larger things in my life. Her smiling response, "I don't need to pray...Should we get together Monday or Tuesday?" Her words were like a cool drink of water on a hot day. I thought, "Someone is actually going to be in this with me!..." I still tear up as I think about it. She and I met on Monday--I felt so cared for as we chatted and ate the lovely quiche she prepared, talking well into the early afternoon.

On Wednesday, it just so happened that one of my best friends was in town for work and had the evening free. As we dropped by the outlet mall and then into the city for dinner, we caught up and she spoke into my present story. When I say "spoke in", I mean the way only a friend who has known you for over a decade can. She's walked with me through so many things and here she was telling me face-to-face that my future was bright.

Coincidentally (or not?) my calendar for Thursday included my once-a-month appointment with my spiritual director. She helped me to process where God is in my present circumstances and I left feeling so seen and encouraged by her and by God. One of the questions she left me to consider was this: "Jessica, how have you been blessed to be a blessing? And then, for what purpose?" (See Genesis 12) Needless to say, I had much to consider as I departed.

Friday rolled around and I headed to the home of yet another woman I know. We sat in camping chairs outside of her garage, enjoying the fresh air, sipping on iced tea and watching her little guy play in the yard with water. She shared more about what she and her family are walking through right now and how they arrived there. I was reminded of how God makes all things beautiful in His time--it gave me perspective to continue to faithfully walk this path that I'm on.

Who knew that in a weeks time, I'd have four appointments with women that would encourage and challenge me in my present season of need and change? Talk about answered prayer!! I was floored that God provided such sweet wisdom and encouragement through these big sisters in such a concentrated fashion--He is so very kind. I was reminded of how important it is that we have godly mentors. Through their lives and experiences we gain wisdom, understanding and hope for the journey. After all, they've been in our shoes and have come through the hard and the good in life. They're able to look with joy to the days ahead because they've chosen to trust Him along the way. This is what they impart to our lives.

I'm grateful for big sisters. What a generous gift they were to me this week--a timely, timely gift.

Give Way for What's More

some things just aren't worth holding on to
something in me wants them to stay
release, let go, offer a goodbye
and continue to go on your way

who knows what's ahead
it's often unclear
and feels like another leap from a plane

carrying baggage beyond the present, quite silly
the sadness you'll move well beyond
the hope in you rekindled
through superior acquaintances to come

look in the mirror and remember
the girl peering back has great strength
faith, hope, love and that surest Foundation
extinguish fear and provide fresh relief

so don't be downcast nor down-trodden
look with joy to the good that's approaching
you've waited this long, hoped this well...
grasp with tenacity that promise and RUN.

Lessons of Hugs & Answered Prayer

Arriving home after the weekly gathering of my church community, I walked around the apartment I'm staying in and considered the time. It was a powerful night where we took time to pray. Now, most people might not consider that an ideal way to spend a couple hours on a Sunday night, but I was so grateful to witness and experience the movement of God. Striking, really.

Those thoughts swirled around a bit in my brain and then I considered something else that wasn't really related, but then, it was. I've never considered myself to be a person that gave or received hugs well. Sure, there have been moments in my life where I have, I guess, but I realized tonight that I have changed in that arena. I think it has to do with the people I'm around; they are some of the most loving and accepting people I've ever encountered. (Wherein lies the connection to tonight and our gathering.)

One of my favorite and closest guy friends was chatting with someone before our gathering and I sneaked up and stole a little hug. As I placed my head on his shoulder, I smiled at the feeling of familiarity and safety. I smiled at him without looking, actually. I just savored the haven. Later, a sweet friend whom I haven't seen for a while sat behind me. I embraced her and noticed that I really hugged her. Really. I gave part of myself away in that hug--I gave friendship and sisterhood and care to her. And again later, another dear guy in my life kissed me on the cheek and embraced me with strength and so I hugged him back. I received it. And it didn't even startle me that I did. Though the nurture of the moment lingered.

I wonder if it sounds crazy, but seriously, I haven't really noticed this change with clarity until tonight. And, I think it has to do with love. 363 days ago (give or take a few hours), I told God that I was ready for Him to re-write this banner that has flown over my life for many years. A script that has become a mantra... One that tells me that I'm not worthy of receiving love. What a curse. I spoke blessing into and over my life last year with simple words offered to God in hope for change.

There are many ways that I've neglected to acknowledge His answers to my prayer. And, yes, I did say 'answers'. I didn't expect that either. I have realized that I put expectations on how He'd go about answering, and over the course of a number of months now, having confessed those expectations and released them, I've begun to see how He has responded to me. Tonight was one example. What a sweet reply and gift.

Looking in the mirror, I see the face of this girl I've known all of my life and say, "Wow, you've come so far..." I barely recognize her in moments like these -- transformation has a way of causing this momentary need for a re-introduction.

And I wonder: Why did I wait so long to ask?

Adventure Afoot

God is up to something, that is for certain. In my weariness today, I was challenged to run to Him with much larger questions than the ones I've currently been asking about where I'm going to live as of next week.

"What are you doing in the future?" The question came from a trusted source.
I responded quickly, "What? I don't know... Like what am I 'doing'?"
"Yes..."

I next uttered words that have been in my heart, but wondering how practical those realities sound when spoken aloud. Intangible 'somethings' and purely thoughts at the moment, but I think they're formulating into something very real. This idea has been mulled over and prayed about and questioned in my own mind and heart for nearly three years. I'm asking it again; in a way, it's exhilarating. Yet in another, terrifying. Mostly because it's not just that I've considered it, but others have, and in increasing numbers, over the course of those years.

"What if ... ?" -- I wonder.

Making a decision of this magnitude in the way of releasing the hope for home, to be ready for whatever might be, is stirring a deeper contemplation in my soul today...

And I ask, "Will You go with me, Lord?"
If He does, then I can do anything.
I can do absolutely anything.

The larger questions at stake are these:

Will I open these palms and relinquish my ideas of what this needs to look like to free fall into His plans for me?

Do I really want what is great, what is LIFE, so badly that I refuse to settle for my version of comfort and safety?

Will I choose to hope in Him, not in the things I can see and control?

Do I trust His heart and that He has good in store for me (good beyond what I could dream up in my frailness and need and poor imaginations)?

Will I truly allow Him to be my home, my place of safety and my refuge?

You can pray for me. Meanwhile, I'm going to walk this path with Him. I think this is the most significant decision I can make in this season of my life--at least as I'm able to view it today.

P.A.I.N.

"Pain is one of the fastest routes to a no-frills encounter with the Holy, and yet the majority of us do everything in our power to avoid it."

--Barbara Brown Taylor, An Altar in the World

Boy is she right. How often do I run, no sprint, from anything that hurts? The answer, if I'm honest: daily. Every day I have an opportunity to engage with something in my life that aches--sometimes I choose into the reality that it's truly better to deal with it and other days I don't. Yesterday was one of those days where I determined to dive in.

I've been sad about a few things in my life recently. Newer pieces of pain have only served to bring to light years of that same hurt that have acted as the building blocks making the fresh object seem even larger and more important. I decided to sit in the stuff in the early evening and pulled my turquoise journal from my bag, carefully laying the pages open to an empty slot. As I began to write about desire, my emotions went from numbness, to grief, then on to anger. I raged at the Lord for a few minutes, verbally spewing the truth at Him--the literal truth from His very own mouth--and felt my disgust rise.

Guilt permeated my soul as I did so, but God gently reminded me that He could handle it. I wept in my bitterness. Knowing that I had yet another choice in moving forward, I grabbed my Bible and turned to a familiar, yet dusty book. Song of Songs. Strange to read this book on love when I was feeling as I was, but I read it through (even the footnotes). After that, I turned to I Corinthians 13 and read about love there, too. 

Softened, I returned to the pages of my journal and reached back out to the Lord. Ultimately, nothing was resolved in this endeavor, but I did recognize something vitally important: He is who He says He is, therefore I must trust. It is not simply an option, or a nice notion, or a thing to pacify the pain. He is real. His love is true. And even in the longing, some things do not change. He does not waver. He wants all of me. Right now, that feels mean.

Suffering from a bit of an emotional hangover today, I acknowledged in the weariness that He is kind. And, if I want a real relationship with Him, this is the type of encounter that I need to embrace more often. I just wish it didn't hurt so much... But then again, don't we all...

Change Happens

I like change. Actually, yes, it’s true—I’m one of those people. Perhaps it’s the feeling of constantly being in motion toward an adventure of sorts or a necessary variety I require that leads me there regularly. I think life would be rather boring if things always remained the same. All of that said, over the past decade I’ve learned that while I welcome, even need change, I must have ample opportunity to process big adjustments. In fact, understanding that has brought tremendous freedom to my life--and likely those in or around my life. Before I knew this, I never ‘got’ why I’m so quick on my feet with most decisions, but needed major time to deliberate (mostly with myself) other considerations. 

Today, my friends and I learned that we have to move. Our landlord decided to move back into the house for a variety of reasons which is completely acceptable; the only thing is, I’d asked him numerous times over the past several months what his thoughts were on reissuing a lease. He kept putting me off (maybe he really didn’t know) and I continued to wonder. Prior to moving here, I negotiated contracts on a regular basis so when he continued to be non-committal, I felt very unsettled. Now I know why. Call it a hunch or that I felt it in my gut, but here we are thirty days out and in need of a home.

Beyond that simple reality, I’m disappointed. I love this house, neighborhood, the access I have to people and things to do nearby. I love the relationships I’ve built here and the ability to quickly connect with friends who live within minutes. I’ve viewed this as a place to minister and reach out—it has become that in more ways than I can count. I love how my furniture fits here and the way that we are in the middle of everything, but had tremendous privacy. It sounds sappy, I know, but it was like a dream come true to live here—truly, my very own version of “Cheers”—I’d longed for a place like this since I lived in Boston and what a sweet gift it has been.

It’s not to say that we won’t find another place in the neighborhood or within close proximity. If we did, I’d be thrilled. That, too, is not a guarantee, but even if it turned out that way, one truth remains: it won’t be this place; it will be different. Things are changing. In fact, as I processed some of these thoughts with one of my roommates today, she said, “It is a big deal. You didn’t choose this…” Such a simple truth… I didn’t choose this, rather, it was chosen for me. I guess that’s what is making it harder. 

Maybe that’s why the tears came when I forced myself out of the house to pick up a couple of things at Target. Tears welled on the drive there, I mostly kept them at bay in the store, but the dam broke on the way home. I bawled. Not just a dribble, but the kind of sobbing where you make the weird wheezy breath noises (and I have a hefty head-cold to boot—pretty, huh?).  I told the Lord how sad I am and about my disappointment. I also told Him that I trust Him. He knew this was going to happen. He knows where we’re going to end up and I know that He’s good in this place. I’m just really, really sad.

As all of this was unfolding, I realized that part of the reason I’m sad is because I planted myself here—in this house, in this neighborhood. I’ve always loved that passage in Jeremiah 29 when the Lord tells the children of Israel to settle into life where they’re at—build houses, settle down, plant gardens, marry, have kids, work for the good of the cities (and they’re in captivity!). He wants them to live where He’s placed them. I guess I’ve done that again here—settled in, made this home. Somehow it doesn’t lessen the pain of being uprooted. And, that’s where I’m walking by faith tonight. Ready to be replanted wherever He deems best in thirty days or less … Here we go…

Promises, Promises

I was reading Hebrews 11 the other day.... The Hall of Faith. It struck me again, as it always seems to do, that those mentioned believed God. Most never saw the Promise fulfilled, but they believed Him for it anyway. Driving through a horrible storm last weekend, I reflected on the quickly changing circumstances of life. We really don't know what our days or our tomorrows hold. But, He does. I've rested in that reality for months now and here He has me, sitting with the truth again.

On the drive, the storm finally passed and there they were--two rainbows brilliantly displayed across the sky. I remember saying, "You keep Your promises; You keep Your promises." Tears filled my eyes as I reflected on a prayer a friend prayed over me in early June before I left for my summer assignment. Not knowing why, she asked God to fulfill the promises He had given me. Her prayer struck a deep chord and I cried. I told her, "That's so in line with what He's been asking me to trust Him with again--thank you for listening and praying that for me."

Honestly, I've allowed that 'thing' -- remembering what He wants me to remember -- to fall to the wayside this summer. He provided a storm and a double rainbow (not to mention a Journey song playing on the radio in that *very* moment-- "Don't Stop Believing'" -- it likely sounds so silly, but a dear friend of mine declared that as our theme song this spring for a number of reasons...) to remind me that I'm supposed to remember. He wants me, in the same way as those people in the Hall of Faith, to believe Him.

Why is it so hard to do?

None of those individuals were able to choose the outcome of their belief. They were simply faithful in their belief.

Period.

I'm struck by their, well, for lack of a better word, FAITH.

So here I am in Colorado waiting on Him, trying not to push the hard things away, listening, remaining hopeful, seeking to be open, and believing that He keeps His promises.

Summer Night Reflections in Colorado

Were it not for grace
I'd walk in vain

Were it not for hope
I'd think this was Home

Were it not for love
I'd stay the same

Praise God Who IS
I'm not alone

I Almost Gave In Today...

There have been subtle moments over this past week that have brought me back to the place of proof.

"Provide proof that you're worth it."

"Provide proof that you know what you're doing."

"Provide proof that you have something to offer."

"Provide proof that being where you're at in the process is enough."

"Provide proof that you're in this with them."

I feel taxed reading that list. These are the messages--in my head and in my heart. Something inside of me stirs in the reading, hearing, living of these things--weariness. Each sentence loads another baggage of burden on this back of mine that's still in route to healing. Internally, the weight crushes my hope and I loose my ability to really see under this pressure. And, I almost decided to be blinded by these fiery darts today.

Sitting in a meeting this afternoon, I felt my heart waver as the load increased. I wanted to flee. I literally imagined myself running from the room. My face fell and I could feel it happening. I felt unseen, disconnected and wondered why I was there. Then I saw it--I understood what was happening to me. I prayed.

"God, this is the me from a short while ago. I know that I'm Yours. I know that I'm loved. I know that I don't have anything to prove here. And, it doesn't matter what is seen... I know I belong to You."

I'd like to say that I felt complete freedom, but I didn't. A minute later, however, someone spoke up and brought me in to the conversation. Kindness. Grace. Mercy for the moment. Yet, it was very hard to receive. Unknowingly, almost absently, I had already maneuvered myself away; the walls came up instinctively.

And now I sit here, recognizing it. I've actually been positioned under these statements as they've been building, one upon the other, for seven days. In a way, I have bought in, but there's a gift in here to be realized... I saw it today. I understood. The scales fell. I asked for help. He provided a piece of grace. And then, with fresh eyes, looked back on the burdens of the week and 'got it'. 

I Came Home Today...

Never could I have imagined the way that this place, my current hometown, might have weaseled its way into my heart. In fact, just a couple of weeks ago, my parents reminded me of my attitude toward the place when I was newly a 'resident' (I put that in quotes given my thinking that this was only a 10-month assignment away). Dislike would be a generous way of saying what I communicated to them during that season. And, funny enough, I don't even recall what I felt or thought at the time. I was angry at the world back then.

Today, having been working on location for almost a month, I felt almost giddy arriving at the airport. My flight was delayed (isn't that how it should go) and my anticipation of stepping onto the soil of what I like to term my "tropical" homeland grew. How I've missed it! Not just 'it', I suppose, but them, too. I've missed my friends, my house, neighborhood, routine and even that heavy, humid air. Longing has replaced my groaning for direction and clarity--desire to be here, fully present in my life in this way. I mean, I was excited driving on the tollways for goodness sake!
 
Equipped with only a few days before I fly back to my work, I plan to soak this up and rest in the present reality that I'm loving my life these days. The funny thing is, it's so unexpected to relish it as I do, but at the same time, it seems to make perfect sense. Like most humans, I imagine that I don't really understand what it is that I need, yet here I am, living in the midst of what I need. Leaving it again will likely serve only to increase my appreciation. What a sweet, sweet gift He's given me in this life...

I'm supposed to be finishing a Field Guide right now...

At least I've made a few notes? Tucked away in my office for the summer, everyone else seems to have gone. My energy is low and the week has been long, but I'm celebrating (and it's not even Friday!). I've seen something in myself these past two weeks that I'm astounded by and gratefully embracing... I am depending on Him.

This is new for me in my work life. I have chosen to stop, to rest and to let some things go.  New eyes are seeing with fresh perspective that I do not have to carry it all, nor can I, and I take joy.

There's a certain sadness in the backdrop of my days that has nothing to do with life here and now. Even in that, I'm resting. He's showing me His love, faithfulness and kindness in that place. What's more, I am choosing to receive it.

And, in His goodness, He has entrusted me with the care of some pretty remarkable people. Both friends and colleagues, in fact. I'm savoring the moments where I realize that I'm not where I once was and those things, the yucky things, that He has brought me through have allowed me to speak to places in the lives of others that I could not have understood had it not been for the mess.

Wow.

It's the Small Things

At the end of another long, but good day that has left me with some important things to consider, I felt a pull to take a moment to engage in today's devotional from Joy & Strength (compiled by Mary W. Tileston) in spite of my weariness. This last entry of five for June 16 was the perfect, most timely reminder:

"I hope you will learn, what I am always hoping to learn, to rejoice in God continually, knowing that He is really ordering all your circumstances to the one end of making you a partaker of His own goodness, and bringing you within His own sympathy."

--Thomas Erskine--

I needed these life-giving words tonight... Badly.

Why Are We So Afraid of Being 'Found Out'?

Truly, it's scary stuff to open ourselves up to being known. What if they don't like what they see? What if they discover things about us of which we ourselves are unaware? What happens then?

Last night, Cole began a new series called, "Fully Mature"--in the opening dialogue, he talked a lot about spiritual infancy. There is a place in life to be an infant. We all start there, after all. We come into the world dependent and needy. Actually, we leave much the same (if afforded a long life). Yet, spiritually speaking, we encounter challenges if we remain in infancy. We are pre-occupied with ourselves and we lack discernment.

I'm certain that we've all injured people in our immaturity and have also been on the receiving end. No fun. In fact, quite painful, really. Thinking about this more today, I wonder, "Why do we avoid seeking to grow in maturity when we see or learn that we're hurting others in a particular area of life?" I mean, what's in it for us?

As I've been considering the need in my life to become even more vulnerable, I understand the hesitation to really go 'there'. Dealing with our pain (especially when we've completely disconnected from it) is frightening, but it's also completely necessary to our health and healing. To blame-shift the responsibility away or ignore that there is a problem will only lead to further wounding of ourselves and others. Is that a risk we're willing to take?

Cole continued to remind us last night that we must choose into vulnerability before God and people in order to grow in maturity. I like to think of this as growing in wholeness. God wants us to be whole people! Fully restored, healed, living in freedom and equipped to bring His love and His light to the lives of people around us. I want to be that kind of person... Who's with me?

Safe, Safe, Safe

I cannot get over the goodness of God. The way He continues to speak directly to my fears, my lack of trust (in others and, this might sound strange, in myself --not belief in myself, rather a trust that I can be confident in two specific areas in life presently) and my longings is completely remarkable. Today, He led me here...

Psalm 16 continues to reinforce the message He has been telling me for months--He's got me! I'm safe!

I cannot hear it enough right now.

Psalm 16

A psalm of David.

 ¹ Keep me safe, O God,
      for I have come to you for refuge.
 ² I said to the Lord, “You are my Master!
      Every good thing I have comes from you.”
 ³ The godly people in the land
      are my true heroes!
      I take pleasure in them!
 ⁴ Troubles multiply for those who chase after other gods.
      I will not take part in their sacrifices of blood
      or even speak the names of their gods.
 ⁵ Lord, you alone are my inheritance, my cup of blessing.
      You guard all that is mine.
 ⁶ The land you have given me is a pleasant land.
      What a wonderful inheritance!
 ⁷ I will bless the Lord who guides me;
      even at night my heart instructs me.
 ⁸ I know the Lord is always with me.
      I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me.
 ⁹ No wonder my heart is glad, and I rejoice.
      My body rests in safety.
 ¹⁰ For you will not leave my soul among the dead
      or allow your holy one to rot in the grave.
 ¹¹ You will show me the way of life,
      granting me the joy of your presence
      and the pleasures of living with you forever.

(Thanks Bible Gateway for this NLT version of this Psalm!)

Beautiful by Phil Wickham

While doing fairly normal and mundane tasks this afternoon at one of my favorite non-office spots--clearing my corporate ministry expenses and cleaning out the mess that is my inbox--this song streamed across my Pandora station. I was reminded to continue to hope, persevere and look to that day (though, I don't think it's tomorrow like that one guy is saying : ) ). I cannot wait to see Him face-to-face... Sweet moments with Jesus in this not-so-ordinary day living life with Him...

If you've never heard this song, it's a must listen! Here's the live version via YouTube:



Beautiful (lyrics)
by Phil Wickham

I see Your face in every sunrise
The colors of the morning are inside Your eyes
The world awakens in the light of the day
I look up to the sky and say
You're beautiful

I see Your power in the moonlit night
Where planets are in motion and galaxies are bright
We are amazed in the light of the stars
It's all proclaiming who You are
You're beautiful, You're beautiful

I see you there hanging on a tree
You bled and then you died and then you rose again for me
Now you are sitting on Your heavenly throne
Soon we will be coming home
You're beautiful, you're beautiful

When we arrive at eternity's shore
Where death is just a memory and tears are no more
We'll enter in as the wedding bells ring
Your bride will come together and we'll sing
You're beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful

I see Your face, You're beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful
I see Your face, You're beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful
I see Your face, I see Your face
I see Your face, You're beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful

To Tell The Truth

My small group just finished our study of II Samuel tonight and I thought I'd post what I related to most about this narrative... We've been studying both I & II Samuel since August--a super rich endeavor! On to the thoughts:

There is a low-grade sadness I experience as I view the life of David in this book of the Bible. There is no doubt that he has an intimate relationship with God--David knows God. But, as we see David stepping out of God's best for him (by sending the troops off to battle without him) and the ensuing adultery with Bathsheba, plotting the murder of Uriah, her husband (once David discovers that she is pregnant with his child), death of their baby boy and the other consequences God issues for David's family life thereafter, we see a man who, in the wake of these circumstances, chooses passivity on a regular basis.

As a woman, there is something that stirs inside of me in the face of passivity. It's not pretty. I want to take control. Welcome back to the Fall... And, from my birds eye view thousands of years after-the-fact, I find myself feeling rather angry at David for his inaction when it comes to his family from this point on in the story. He seems to give up on fighting for them.

He doesn't stand up for what's right when one of his sons, Amnon, violates his daughter, Tamar. He doesn't stand up for what's right when another son, Absalom, takes justice into his own hands, killing Amnon for the crime committed against his sister. And, initially, he doesn't even take proper action when Absalom later tries to overthrow him as king. Amazing stuff, really.

(Not to mention this passivity being passed along to Absalom who tells Tamar to keep quiet about the whole thing--"Family Business" he said...)

God promised consequences, but David also failed to live righteously before his family and ultimately the Kingdom in these instances. He failed them. Along the way, David had some friends speaking the truth into his life. I loved and appreciated their influence. They chose to say, "Hey David, you've really messed up here!" And, he listened!

He did have a teachable and tender heart. We knew there were reasons God called him a man after His own heart, right?

The thing that stands out tonight is the ability that we have to bless people through proper action or wound them through passivity. The last several months of my life have been marked by these two things. I have experienced tremendous blessing at the hand of friends who chose into action (at times prayerful action) on my behalf. I've felt fought for and loved. In another relationship arena, I've been wounded by passivity. Inaction has left me feeling like my heart is a bit of a commodity being traded to satisfy someone else's underlying need. I respond and that must feel good to others, but I feel hurt when it seems like my response, not me, is the endgame. And, at the end of the day, I feel vulnerable and used.

Another side to the passivity issue is seeing good friends standing by playing witness to some of the things that have transpired and hearing them blame-shift behavior away or fail to challenge those people in what is true and good. Sometimes, I think that hurts more. We see things happen and do nothing. Perhaps we don't know what to do, but it doesn't change the reality that we're taking a backseat to the issue at hand and no one is required to grow in the process.

Of course, this all has me thinking of the ways I choose into passivity in my own life. There are a couple areas that come to mind immediately and I am responsible before the Lord in those places. I guess the bottom line is that I want to be a person that tells the truth. I don't want to pretend. And, I hope that those who care for me will love me enough to tell me the truth when I need to hear it, too.

May this life and the way I live it bless others, not wound them further.

How Else But Through A Broken Heart...

All is Said, Now I'm Done

The rain has washed away

clusters of a thousand thoughts

revealing a spoiled care

and so,

I’m moving on

I’ve said my piece

   to myself

      quietly on car rides

        canopied by lovely trees

Prompted by the beauty of 'being'

Appreciating: I have nothing to prove

I am this

I am not another

He calls it good

Finding release in the surrender

      of hopeful glances, taps, words

           each uprooted quite simply

                   action neglected

                   my hope deferred

But now I choose health

       In place of dis-ease

Palms wide open

     postured to receive

Yet waiting in motion (I cannot shake this directive)

    Around the corner sipping coffee

    Traversing concrete blocks
    Maneuvering myself toward warm sand,
          sweet glimmering vastness of shore and sun

       taking in 

          sights

          sounds

          people

          places

    Laughing until my stomach lurches

   

All the while

living 

this 

life

in a Presence so Abundant

                                  Satisfying

                                           Protecting

                                                       Good

Lost in FRESH considerations

Encountering DELIGHTED faces

Sharing NOVEL moments

that leave me with love,

not breadcrumbs.

Sadness Crept In

Meet me in the sadness
   in this sorrow
    oh, what madness

Hold my fragile heart
  the too familiar breaking
     accompanied with aching

Speak into stark rising fears
    this longing moment
     subdue my tears

Firmly plant such wayward feet
     prone to run
      escape before I'd come undone

Bring me to Your joy and rest
     help me breathe
      embrace what You deem best

Cause this wobbly heart to settle
     slow its pace
      lean into Your strength and grace

Love me in this sadness
     a silly sorrow
      oh sweet, known madness.

Triangle Pose & Love

In recent years I have had wise people and friends strongly encourage me to take part in the practice of yoga because somewhere along this road I travel, I have forgotten how to breathe. Leave it to me, the type-A, driven, perfectionist in remission to lose sight of a foundational necessity like breathing. The thing is, of course I breathe, but my breaths are shallow; and, the concern is that my body isn't receiving the oxygen it needs to function properly. In fact, without it, I cannot thrive. Amazing things I'm learning...

Lately, when I go to my class, I have focused my attention on what it means to trust God--to understand him as my Refuge. As I'm moving through the flow of movement, I turn my attention to how much I need him to even complete the poses, to rest in them, to find strength as I maintain the posture. One thing is for certain: it's hard. I see my need to depend upon him each and every week. The parallels to life are unending.

Last week, I realized mid-class that I was soaring through the flow. A first. I felt so grateful and strong. This week, I struggled. Maintaining my breath was challenging, I couldn't hold a bunch of poses and where strength was found last time, I found weakness this week.

When we arrived at triangle pose, I felt weary in it. I'm finding it challenging to explain the pose as I think about it so this next part might make sense... Leave it to the internet to find a photo in seconds... Here you go: Extended Triangle Pose. Anyway, while I focused on my breath and maintaining my stance, our instructor began to talk about the vulnerability of having our hearts so open to the world. I reflected on that as my whole body was turned out, exposed. She said that sometimes it is hard to choose into that vulnerability because of the risk it involves. Tears welled in my eyes.

I reflected on that with the Lord as I continued through the class. It is scary and messy to choose into love--receiving and giving--in this life. My immediate response is often to be guarded. Crossed arms, legs, and body positioned away from those I interact with regularly (ask the guys at the office--one has pointed this out to me).

BUT, if I desire to be loved (and really, to be able to offer love), I have to be open. I have to risk. And, in my weakness, I have to choose to allow Jesus to be my strength.

Beautiful Things

There's a song that I've come to love... Much of it goes like this...

"You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of the dust

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of us"

--Gungor--

This afternoon, I pulled out my oil pastels and took time to draw and reflect on these lyrics. Here's what came out:

I've been thinking a lot these days about my strength. Mostly, I've been evaluating my belief that I lack it. While I know this is not true, I've often bought into the lie that I don't have what it takes to make it through the difficulties in my life. They have been immense in a way. Recently, a friend and I reflected on the hardships I've experienced these past few years. I feel like I've been to hell and back in specific ways relationally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. I've wondered if I would make it to the other side OR if the record player of my life would "play and repeat" adversity forever ...

God has begun to reveal, with more clarity, why he has brought me into this place of refinement through hardship. He wants to free me from those war wounds I mentioned recently. In fact, the other day, my brother put it this way, "He wants to kill the performer!" God cares so much more about my soul than he does about what I do for him.

I have to type that again...

God cares so much more about my soul than he does about what I do for him.

I've been forced to slow my pace. Most days it feels like I'm creeping along. But, the stillness has revealed this bittersweet truth: I am in deep pain. And, God has provided me with the strength to handle the process of healing. Here's how he's recently been showing this to me:

Two weeks ago, I found a card from one of my best friends. She sent it to me the first year I was in Boston... It was significant then and means so much today: "Your strength may surprise you... The rest of us already know..."

My back is healing from my car accident months ago, and as I've been challenging myself in physical therapy, I've noticed something... I'm actually achieving things that I'd given up on, watching daily as my strength returns and I regain ground I thought I lost.

Last night at church, a friend came to me during the musical worship time near the end. She said, "The Lord wants you to know that you are strong. You are stronger than you think you are..." I wept.

Today, I've chosen to step into my strength.

"You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of the dust

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of us"

...

God = Refuge

Two weeks ago I had a feeling... If I could just give myself the grace to not have it together and do what I was 'supposed' to be doing, but make the choice to rest and listen to my body instead, my energy would return. And today, coming home from my physical therapy and chiropractic appointments, I realized that it is coming back! Honestly, this is such a sweet gift from God. To have the flexibility to be able to live this out is one huge blessing and having seen growth in my life to the point where I actually chose it is amazing!

I feel grateful.
I feel encouraged.
I feel seen by God.
I feel loved by Him.

Psalm 91 has come up again and again these past few weeks. In fact, almost every time I've opened my Bible, the page has fallen there... He definitely got my attention. So many parts of the Psalm resonate with my heart right now (given the things I've shared here recently, as well as these musings for today), but this stuck out this morning as I read the Message version of the text:

"If you'll hold on to me for dear life," says God,
"I'll get you out of any trouble.
I'll give you my best of care
if you'll only get to know and trust me.
Call me and I'll answer, be at your side in bad times;
I'll rescue you, then throw you a party.
I'll give you a long life,
give you a long drink of salvation!"
(Psalm 91:14-16)

I laughed aloud when I read the part about throwing me a party. He's so fun, isn't He? The early parts of the Psalm talk about God as our refuge. I'm resting in that today. He is my home and with Him, I am safe. I'm learning that as I listen, I'm living and thriving--far from my past history of simply surviving.

How grateful I am to Him for such sweet gifts in the midst of life that still feels rather confusing and chaotic right now. Trusting, leaning, depending, waiting, needing, listening... New words that are finding their way into my everyday vocabulary.

War Wounds

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." 

John 16:33

I don't know about you, but when I break down in tears with the physical therapist over a simple inability to conquer a more intense version of the plank, it's time to really take stock of what's happening inside. I knew I was off this morning. I had the hardest time sleeping and sent a late night text to my big brother to see if he might be able to give me some perspective. Sadly, when we finally did connect at 1:30 AM, he was engaged with a friend and couldn't offer more than a listening ear for the overview before hanging up with a promise to talk soon. Thankfully, just the brief connection helped put me at ease and I fell asleep a short time later.

I jolted awake 30 minutes before my scheduled alarm and the thoughts that kindly slipped away as I embraced REM, flooded back into my consciousness. Hours later, I'm still not certain what it is that I'm feeling. Loss? Grief? Disturbed? I cannot pinpoint the emotion and perhaps that's why peace seems far from me. Obviously I'm vague, but I learned something last night that has been challenging to process. Does it alter life? No, not really, but I'm struggling with it. 

More to the point, I think it has much to do with this fear that has crept back into my life this past week; it comes in the form of this statement: "I don't want to be messed with again..." Life and relationships have taught me many things, but this sits high atop the list. The Lord, in His goodness I believe, has brought this up for a purpose--perhaps to heal this particular war wound.

It's true. Life is filled with pain. Sometimes it seems like it sits at attention waiting to spill over, covering every ounce of hopefulness that exists in my life. The old platitude, "This too shall pass," no longer comforts but becomes yet another stake to plunge into the ground declaring the absurdity of the broken world.

And then I remember... "But take heart! I have overcome the world." 

Meeting with two sweet women yesterday, we chatted for hours about forgiveness. What does it mean to forgive? In part, we must confess where we are in relationship to God--understanding our own depravity and need for forgiveness. We are not able to give what we have not received. Then, we are free to forgive ourselves and forgive others. How is this possible? Truly, only through a relationship with Jesus. We cannot manufacture it--it had to have been provided for us. There's no other source, no other way.

At one point in our dialogue we read a favorite passage of mine in the Bible that speaks about hope:

"Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us."

Romans 5:1-5

God has met me time and again through this particular passage because it points me to what is true. Where is my hope found? Hope does not exist to disappoint... It exists because God loves us and provides a greater picture and truth about the world than what we see and experience regularly. He has made us righteous by grace (which we stand in! Amazing...) through the work that Jesus accomplished in his life, death and resurrection. We're at peace with God and therefore, whatever trouble we encounter, we are transformed as we move through it and find: hope; and, we can move beyond it to the glory of God. Not only that (as if it wasn't enough!), he ensures that we're able to walk in his love through the gift of the Holy Spirit. I'm just in awe of him...

Honestly, even after all of that, my feelings are still at war inside me. The ability to heal, forgive and hope have to be entrusted to God. I cannot make those things happen in my own strength. I lack it. But, I do want those things... I'm trusting him for it.

Which reminds me, last week I sensed the Lord asking me that question: "Whom do you trust, Jess?"

In this world we will have trouble... Jesus has overcome the world.

Green Lights?

"Who had time for those switchbacks with the destination so clearly in sight?"

Taylor, Barbara Brown. An Altar in the World: A Geography of Faith.

Canada: HarperCollins Publishing, 2009.

I'm certainly not much of a fan of switchbacks. When my eyes see ahead to the end goal, I'm there within seconds and have figured out the best course of action to get directly from Point A --where I'm likely standing-- to point B. Once a decision is made, green lights all the way, baby! But, that's not always life. Certainly not my life at this moment, anyhow. The past week or so I have absolutely longed for it to work this way, but I've been traversing a path that keeps winding me around to a familiar location: the place of Waiting.

I add a capital "W" there because it feels like a real place right now. I'm there. I wonder if I'll ever leave it and somehow, I'm coming to understand that as I become more self-aware, I'll likely find myself living here. There are always things to wait upon. My dear friend told me that truth years ago in a poignant way referencing her own story--you wait to grow up, go to school, graduate from school, meet someone, get engaged, get married, have a baby... And, more routinely, you wait in line at the grocery store, post office and in traffic. You get the idea. We all have to wait. It is a necessary and admittedly, a good part of life. So why doesn't it feel good?

Control--yep, the tug-o-war is in play. I want to be in control. I want to determine how things will happen so I can know how I'll feel about them happening; and then I can decide whether I want that thing, whatever it is, to happen or not. Whew... That feels exhausting just to write out, let alone live. But, past experience has taught me that hurt awaits if I don't control my own life-- you just can't let people get that close or allow that thing hoped for to carry the weight it does... "Live and learn," right?

While I do need to exercise more discernment when it comes to trusting others and making wise decisions about my life, I also need to leap! Faith says that I won't always understand why or how, but I must trust something (Someone, in fact), greater than myself. The switchbacks don't make sense to me, but he gets it and is engaging my heart as I faithfully maneuver their corners.

So today I'm seeking to enjoy the view and the journey. I'm finding that as I embrace the course set before me, I'm experience peace deep within my belly--and if you know me, you know what a great thing that is! Here's to letting the Lord inform the future and waiting on his best for my life, not manufacturing my own version of what I think is best... It's a process. I'm in it.