Arriving home after the weekly gathering of my church community, I walked around the apartment I'm staying in and considered the time. It was a powerful night where we took time to pray. Now, most people might not consider that an ideal way to spend a couple hours on a Sunday night, but I was so grateful to witness and experience the movement of God. Striking, really.
Those thoughts swirled around a bit in my brain and then I considered something else that wasn't really related, but then, it was. I've never considered myself to be a person that gave or received hugs well. Sure, there have been moments in my life where I have, I guess, but I realized tonight that I have changed in that arena. I think it has to do with the people I'm around; they are some of the most loving and accepting people I've ever encountered. (Wherein lies the connection to tonight and our gathering.)
One of my favorite and closest guy friends was chatting with someone before our gathering and I sneaked up and stole a little hug. As I placed my head on his shoulder, I smiled at the feeling of familiarity and safety. I smiled at him without looking, actually. I just savored the haven. Later, a sweet friend whom I haven't seen for a while sat behind me. I embraced her and noticed that I really hugged her. Really. I gave part of myself away in that hug--I gave friendship and sisterhood and care to her. And again later, another dear guy in my life kissed me on the cheek and embraced me with strength and so I hugged him back. I received it. And it didn't even startle me that I did. Though the nurture of the moment lingered.
I wonder if it sounds crazy, but seriously, I haven't really noticed this change with clarity until tonight. And, I think it has to do with love. 363 days ago (give or take a few hours), I told God that I was ready for Him to re-write this banner that has flown over my life for many years. A script that has become a mantra... One that tells me that I'm not worthy of receiving love. What a curse. I spoke blessing into and over my life last year with simple words offered to God in hope for change.
There are many ways that I've neglected to acknowledge His answers to my prayer. And, yes, I did say 'answers'. I didn't expect that either. I have realized that I put expectations on how He'd go about answering, and over the course of a number of months now, having confessed those expectations and released them, I've begun to see how He has responded to me. Tonight was one example. What a sweet reply and gift.
Looking in the mirror, I see the face of this girl I've known all of my life and say, "Wow, you've come so far..." I barely recognize her in moments like these -- transformation has a way of causing this momentary need for a re-introduction.
And I wonder: Why did I wait so long to ask?
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