Stepping out of my car tonight at the place I'm staying, I felt the coolness of 70-some degrees (I can't believe I just typed that...) and the sound of a plane drew my attention upward. On its landing course, its lights flashed brightly against a deep blue-black sky. All I could think, "I want to be on you..." Well, heading somewhere else, I guess.
There are such good things happening in my life right now, but today sadness crept in again. Without warning and in two different public places, I cried. And cried. And cried again. In the process I received hurtful words and gave some. Yuck. Feeling wounded, I added to the cycle and I just feel grief.
I wish I understood why some things in my life are as they are at the moment, but I don't. It feels painful and I feel childish. A friend encouraged me, "Jess, you don't know why, but let it out... Sit in it. There's something for you in this." It is a great reminder. Another offered grace. Why is it so hard to receive?
Wishing I could change things, but knowing I have zero control, I stop trying as a new sniffle rises. Things might look different in the morning. I hope.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Big Sisters
Something I've noticed in the past year or so is the lack of older people in my life. Certainly I'm around people that are older in age and maturity than I, yet I haven't had the opportunity to spend much time with them. Having moved thousands of miles away from some of my "key" people, staying in touch has been more challenging and thus, the lack has grown.
Three months ago I started to feel the weight of it. Pouring out a lot by investing in some great relationships here, I noticed that I was growing tired and began to see how this deficit was affecting me. Wanting to continue to give and take responsibility for my own needs, I began to pray that God would provide some women in my life, further along in the journey, to whom I might connect with more regularly.
And, arriving back in town after being on the road for the past few months, a string of circumstances appeared that required more energy and faith on my part. I knew: "I need someone to walk in this with me. I cannot do this season alone." A few days after this occurred to me, a woman I respect and enjoy approached me--after catching up a little bit, I asked her if she would prayerfully consider meeting with me this fall as I walked through some larger things in my life. Her smiling response, "I don't need to pray...Should we get together Monday or Tuesday?" Her words were like a cool drink of water on a hot day. I thought, "Someone is actually going to be in this with me!..." I still tear up as I think about it. She and I met on Monday--I felt so cared for as we chatted and ate the lovely quiche she prepared, talking well into the early afternoon.
On Wednesday, it just so happened that one of my best friends was in town for work and had the evening free. As we dropped by the outlet mall and then into the city for dinner, we caught up and she spoke into my present story. When I say "spoke in", I mean the way only a friend who has known you for over a decade can. She's walked with me through so many things and here she was telling me face-to-face that my future was bright.
Coincidentally (or not?) my calendar for Thursday included my once-a-month appointment with my spiritual director. She helped me to process where God is in my present circumstances and I left feeling so seen and encouraged by her and by God. One of the questions she left me to consider was this: "Jessica, how have you been blessed to be a blessing? And then, for what purpose?" (See Genesis 12) Needless to say, I had much to consider as I departed.
Friday rolled around and I headed to the home of yet another woman I know. We sat in camping chairs outside of her garage, enjoying the fresh air, sipping on iced tea and watching her little guy play in the yard with water. She shared more about what she and her family are walking through right now and how they arrived there. I was reminded of how God makes all things beautiful in His time--it gave me perspective to continue to faithfully walk this path that I'm on.
Who knew that in a weeks time, I'd have four appointments with women that would encourage and challenge me in my present season of need and change? Talk about answered prayer!! I was floored that God provided such sweet wisdom and encouragement through these big sisters in such a concentrated fashion--He is so very kind. I was reminded of how important it is that we have godly mentors. Through their lives and experiences we gain wisdom, understanding and hope for the journey. After all, they've been in our shoes and have come through the hard and the good in life. They're able to look with joy to the days ahead because they've chosen to trust Him along the way. This is what they impart to our lives.
I'm grateful for big sisters. What a generous gift they were to me this week--a timely, timely gift.
Three months ago I started to feel the weight of it. Pouring out a lot by investing in some great relationships here, I noticed that I was growing tired and began to see how this deficit was affecting me. Wanting to continue to give and take responsibility for my own needs, I began to pray that God would provide some women in my life, further along in the journey, to whom I might connect with more regularly.
And, arriving back in town after being on the road for the past few months, a string of circumstances appeared that required more energy and faith on my part. I knew: "I need someone to walk in this with me. I cannot do this season alone." A few days after this occurred to me, a woman I respect and enjoy approached me--after catching up a little bit, I asked her if she would prayerfully consider meeting with me this fall as I walked through some larger things in my life. Her smiling response, "I don't need to pray...Should we get together Monday or Tuesday?" Her words were like a cool drink of water on a hot day. I thought, "Someone is actually going to be in this with me!..." I still tear up as I think about it. She and I met on Monday--I felt so cared for as we chatted and ate the lovely quiche she prepared, talking well into the early afternoon.
On Wednesday, it just so happened that one of my best friends was in town for work and had the evening free. As we dropped by the outlet mall and then into the city for dinner, we caught up and she spoke into my present story. When I say "spoke in", I mean the way only a friend who has known you for over a decade can. She's walked with me through so many things and here she was telling me face-to-face that my future was bright.
Coincidentally (or not?) my calendar for Thursday included my once-a-month appointment with my spiritual director. She helped me to process where God is in my present circumstances and I left feeling so seen and encouraged by her and by God. One of the questions she left me to consider was this: "Jessica, how have you been blessed to be a blessing? And then, for what purpose?" (See Genesis 12) Needless to say, I had much to consider as I departed.
Friday rolled around and I headed to the home of yet another woman I know. We sat in camping chairs outside of her garage, enjoying the fresh air, sipping on iced tea and watching her little guy play in the yard with water. She shared more about what she and her family are walking through right now and how they arrived there. I was reminded of how God makes all things beautiful in His time--it gave me perspective to continue to faithfully walk this path that I'm on.
Who knew that in a weeks time, I'd have four appointments with women that would encourage and challenge me in my present season of need and change? Talk about answered prayer!! I was floored that God provided such sweet wisdom and encouragement through these big sisters in such a concentrated fashion--He is so very kind. I was reminded of how important it is that we have godly mentors. Through their lives and experiences we gain wisdom, understanding and hope for the journey. After all, they've been in our shoes and have come through the hard and the good in life. They're able to look with joy to the days ahead because they've chosen to trust Him along the way. This is what they impart to our lives.
I'm grateful for big sisters. What a generous gift they were to me this week--a timely, timely gift.
Friday, September 09, 2011
Give Way for What's More
some things just aren't worth holding on to
something in me wants them to stay
release, let go, offer a goodbye
and continue to go on your way
who knows what's ahead
it's often unclear
and feels like another leap from a plane
carrying baggage beyond the present, quite silly
the sadness you'll move well beyond
the hope in you rekindled
through superior acquaintances to come
look in the mirror and remember
the girl peering back has great strength
faith, hope, love and that surest Foundation
extinguish fear and provide fresh relief
so don't be downcast nor down-trodden
look with joy to the good that's approaching
you've waited this long, hoped this well...
grasp with tenacity that promise and RUN.
something in me wants them to stay
release, let go, offer a goodbye
and continue to go on your way
who knows what's ahead
it's often unclear
and feels like another leap from a plane
carrying baggage beyond the present, quite silly
the sadness you'll move well beyond
the hope in you rekindled
through superior acquaintances to come
look in the mirror and remember
the girl peering back has great strength
faith, hope, love and that surest Foundation
extinguish fear and provide fresh relief
so don't be downcast nor down-trodden
look with joy to the good that's approaching
you've waited this long, hoped this well...
grasp with tenacity that promise and RUN.
Sunday, September 04, 2011
Lessons of Hugs & Answered Prayer
Arriving home after the weekly gathering of my church community, I walked around the apartment I'm staying in and considered the time. It was a powerful night where we took time to pray. Now, most people might not consider that an ideal way to spend a couple hours on a Sunday night, but I was so grateful to witness and experience the movement of God. Striking, really.
Those thoughts swirled around a bit in my brain and then I considered something else that wasn't really related, but then, it was. I've never considered myself to be a person that gave or received hugs well. Sure, there have been moments in my life where I have, I guess, but I realized tonight that I have changed in that arena. I think it has to do with the people I'm around; they are some of the most loving and accepting people I've ever encountered. (Wherein lies the connection to tonight and our gathering.)
One of my favorite and closest guy friends was chatting with someone before our gathering and I sneaked up and stole a little hug. As I placed my head on his shoulder, I smiled at the feeling of familiarity and safety. I smiled at him without looking, actually. I just savored the haven. Later, a sweet friend whom I haven't seen for a while sat behind me. I embraced her and noticed that I really hugged her. Really. I gave part of myself away in that hug--I gave friendship and sisterhood and care to her. And again later, another dear guy in my life kissed me on the cheek and embraced me with strength and so I hugged him back. I received it. And it didn't even startle me that I did. Though the nurture of the moment lingered.
I wonder if it sounds crazy, but seriously, I haven't really noticed this change with clarity until tonight. And, I think it has to do with love. 363 days ago (give or take a few hours), I told God that I was ready for Him to re-write this banner that has flown over my life for many years. A script that has become a mantra... One that tells me that I'm not worthy of receiving love. What a curse. I spoke blessing into and over my life last year with simple words offered to God in hope for change.
There are many ways that I've neglected to acknowledge His answers to my prayer. And, yes, I did say 'answers'. I didn't expect that either. I have realized that I put expectations on how He'd go about answering, and over the course of a number of months now, having confessed those expectations and released them, I've begun to see how He has responded to me. Tonight was one example. What a sweet reply and gift.
Looking in the mirror, I see the face of this girl I've known all of my life and say, "Wow, you've come so far..." I barely recognize her in moments like these -- transformation has a way of causing this momentary need for a re-introduction.
And I wonder: Why did I wait so long to ask?
Those thoughts swirled around a bit in my brain and then I considered something else that wasn't really related, but then, it was. I've never considered myself to be a person that gave or received hugs well. Sure, there have been moments in my life where I have, I guess, but I realized tonight that I have changed in that arena. I think it has to do with the people I'm around; they are some of the most loving and accepting people I've ever encountered. (Wherein lies the connection to tonight and our gathering.)
One of my favorite and closest guy friends was chatting with someone before our gathering and I sneaked up and stole a little hug. As I placed my head on his shoulder, I smiled at the feeling of familiarity and safety. I smiled at him without looking, actually. I just savored the haven. Later, a sweet friend whom I haven't seen for a while sat behind me. I embraced her and noticed that I really hugged her. Really. I gave part of myself away in that hug--I gave friendship and sisterhood and care to her. And again later, another dear guy in my life kissed me on the cheek and embraced me with strength and so I hugged him back. I received it. And it didn't even startle me that I did. Though the nurture of the moment lingered.
I wonder if it sounds crazy, but seriously, I haven't really noticed this change with clarity until tonight. And, I think it has to do with love. 363 days ago (give or take a few hours), I told God that I was ready for Him to re-write this banner that has flown over my life for many years. A script that has become a mantra... One that tells me that I'm not worthy of receiving love. What a curse. I spoke blessing into and over my life last year with simple words offered to God in hope for change.
There are many ways that I've neglected to acknowledge His answers to my prayer. And, yes, I did say 'answers'. I didn't expect that either. I have realized that I put expectations on how He'd go about answering, and over the course of a number of months now, having confessed those expectations and released them, I've begun to see how He has responded to me. Tonight was one example. What a sweet reply and gift.
Looking in the mirror, I see the face of this girl I've known all of my life and say, "Wow, you've come so far..." I barely recognize her in moments like these -- transformation has a way of causing this momentary need for a re-introduction.
And I wonder: Why did I wait so long to ask?
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