I Shall Not Want...

Not many people really like to talk about money, but I'm certain it's on most of our minds from time to time. Yes? In the midst of my transition to a new workplace in the early part of 2012, all seemed well as my final three paychecks rolled in. The timing should have been perfect to receive my first paycheck from the new organization just as the old wrapped up. All seemed well...

The day I was supposed to be paid, I looked at my bank account and could not see a direct deposit in sight. Maybe I had the wrong day? I was new to their system, after all. Picking up the phone I quickly discovered it was the right day. They had forgotten to file all of the paperwork I sent them a few months prior. They asked if I could wait until the next pay period--one month from that particular day. I wasn't sure; and, I let them know it. All things considered, it was going to take at least two weeks if not longer. So, they started the process and I waited. And, I waited.

Months before, I'd finally paid off my debt. (Insert the biggest sigh of relief and shout of joy here.) I purchased a laptop--in cash!--for my new season since the old remained with my former organization. I didn't have money coming out of my ears, but I had a little. I wondered if it would carry me through. One day late in the waiting it occurred to me:  "My newly purchased healthcare plan is coming out tomorrow through auto-withdrawal! Drat!!" I looked at my bank account. Sure enough, I was down to the last of it. The little savings I had was drained as I paid my bills that month. The auto-draft would send me into overdraft. Reaching for my purse, I pulled out my wallet and counted the cash. Just enough. I quickly headed to the bank and deposited it. I was so thankful to have caught it in time.

A few days later, my first paycheck came in. Before it hit my account, I had $13 left to my name and I didn't go into debt again. The Lord provided so faithfully--I even had a little room. Never before had I encountered a moment like this and it's not one I'll easily forget. He gave me what I needed. I had to lean on Him because I honestly had no clue how that particular story ended. He did. It was a good and growing moment in our relationship.

He's been retelling this story to me this week. This time around, I actually have money in savings, but all of it is for taxes and I don't think I've saved enough given what happened this past year. In other words, it's a "do not draw on this account" account for me. My checking account has been depleted and depleted. My paychecks have been short for months. I've been tightening the belt and though it might seem surprising, I genuinely feel content in the process. I'm okay.

But then, my car started acting up. So far my mechanic has put in two parts and the check engine light has shown brightly for the fourth time this month today. One of my largest ministry partners just let me know they are leaving my team as I've been working on developing additional funds for ministry here. There are pieces of furniture we genuinely need in our new home so we can actually put other things away--there's no more space for them elsewhere (in fact, I purchased one and took it back realizing I don't have cash flow to support the purchase). And, I was hit a few weeks ago and the scenario for things being fixed by the person who hit me are looking bleaker and bleaker by the day.... Then my insurance agency called me and sent me a letter to inform me they're dropping me. I've been hit twice in the past four months (ironically, I was at a full stop in both scenarios) and they don't want to deal with my business. I am appealing their decision, so we'll see how that goes.

I've been asking the Lord... Why did You open up this place for me to move into when financially I was headed south? Why would You call me to a ministry where developing new financial support is more challenging than ever before? Why would You bring me out of debt to allow me back on the brink of it? I don't understand... 

This is a lot. When I consider these details and the feelings I have about them I realize, "No wonder you were biting your nails off today..." There's a stress I feel underneath the weight of this uncertainty. How does this all turn out?

But then again, the other day someone handed me a check to bless me. Today, someone else handed me some cash because the Lord told them to give it. Beyond those acts of generosity, my mechanic has generously offered to allow me to pay him when I can.

He answers all of my questions by reminding me that He, indeed, is my Shepherd. I shall not want. I'm humbly learning to receive and embrace this truth again as the dollars trickle out of my checking account. It's literally time to put my money where my mouth is -- He is my Provider.