Check Engine

We've heard the analogy drawn before. Well, at least I think most of us have. The check engine light comes on and we take a moment to consider how it applies to our hearts -- or so the pastor or clergyman tells us we should. Mine has been shining a bright yellow-orange for weeks. Every attempt to bring health to my car has failed and on the light goes again. Last night as I was driving from a time of encouragement to a time of celebration and it hit me: the state of my car engine has applied to the current condition of my heart. Oh! Duh...

I've been wrestling through job stuff, relationship wounds and financial concerns these past few weeks (you likely know if you've been reading along the way). Over and over again the Lord has been asking me to trust, to forgive, to believe. He's been showing me how easy it is right now for me to go to places which aren't His best for me in my mind, in my responses, in my posture. That silly light which has plagued me for weeks has actually been an unseen blessing reminding me: check under the hood, there's significant stuff going on in there and it needs to be addressed.

I sat with a kindred friend at the celebration last night. We dove into the deep end of the pool immediately and even in a short time, I watched and heard as God unearthed some truth. Sometimes when we're so "in" a situation or circumstance and our hearts are frail or perhaps even completely void of feeling, we have no choice but to stay there and ask Jesus to meet us in the muck. When we don't have what it takes to leave the place of pain, He has to come to us and bring us out of it.

A picture came to mind of the man who sought healing for 38 years. When Jesus found him laying by the pool, and if you know the story, He asked him a question: "Do you want to be made well?" And we all roll our eyes and say, "Jesus, isn't the answer obvious?"

The other story that popped into my mind was about Naomi. She continued grieving the loss of her husband and her sons for years beyond what any Jewish person would have considered appropriate. There was a time for mourning and a time to put the grief away, but not for Naomi. Instead, she became bitter and renamed herself in like kind, "Don't call me Naomi... Call me Maura (bitter)" she said. God had dealt her a low blow. She sat in her pain and wouldn't budge.

In both circumstances, God went there. He went to the places of pain and brought life with Him. He stirred desire and called out dreams which had faded. He wasn't content to leave them there, but the process took a particular course and in both cases, it wasn't quick.

I so desperately long for Him to continue to meet me in these things I'm struggling through and bring me out. I wish it happened yesterday, in fact. But you know, I'm realizing just how important it is that He has come to this place to find me today. I'm beginning to realize that while it has taken time sitting in much of it for longer than I'd like, desiring to give it up to Him and then taking some of it back on myself, and hurting through the areas which still require healing balm, it's good.

He's reminding me of what He's put in me. He's stirring the dreams, awakening the desires and removing the constraints. All the while, I get to take a look under the hood and invite His help as I seek to live honorably before Him and others in the midst of it. I don't know how to do it well. I've failed a lot in the past. But, I have hope that as I watch Him, I'll learn a new way through this time and be ready for whatever is ahead. Even when, especially when, it involves more pain.