Donuts, Wine & Friendship

My heart has felt heavy in a certain way over the past couple of weeks. Mostly, it has to do with the details in a few dreams I've had. Ultimately, those dreams have raised and crushed a specific desire in my life and I have been grappling with hope in that arena. Funny how dreams bring things to light sometimes...

At any rate, I went to our church gatherings tonight fully intending to stay for both. I allowed the tension I've been experiencing to surface as we sang and invited the Lord to speak into my experience. Reiterating words I offered to Him while on a walk earlier today, I said, "Lord, I don't believe that You have good things for me, but I want to..."

This level of unbelief is always hard to see in myself. After all, I know His character and He's shown Himself faithful for all of these years. Yet, I still wrestle to believe Him. It's painful to see.

Grabbing a slice of pizza between the two services, the clerk mistook me and a very handsome guy as a couple. It was a sweet sort of moment as he and I embraced the awkwardness and chatted a little while we waited for our orders. Eventually we said our goodbyes, I headed back to the second gathering.

But, I just couldn't stay. Sitting outside, munching on my pizza, I felt overcome with sadness. I just wanted to cry, but didn't feel the freedom to. People kept stopping by asking me how I was doing and the best I could offer was, "I'm doing okay... Feeling a little weighed down tonight." It doesn't feel good to be in that place when you're the person who 'should be' checking in on them. Oh expectations...

Finally, I listened to what I really needed and left after learning a good friend was on her way out, too. On the way to our cars, I blurted out how I was feeling especially sad. She asked why, but assured me it was also okay if I couldn't tell her. I continued in spite of her kind offer and the tears spilled. She said we should grab some donuts and I suggested wine and after a brief chat with another friend we encountered on the way, headed to the store to pick up our essentials.

Beauty is, she just left my house. We spent the last four hours talking. The topics went well beyond where the evening started, of course. I feel so blessed to have a friend who was willing to walk through these past few hours with me--I'm encouraged by the way she chose to be present with me in my sadness. And, what a gift to remember how I'm not alone. I needed to know that tonight.