I woke up Friday morning and in the quiet first moments of the day, sensed the Lord saying, "You could take the next few days off..." I've been wanting to schedule a few consecutive days of rest, but each time I consulted my calendar, the time appeared to be at least two weeks away. But, He was right... I had no commitments over the weekend personally, if I took Sunday off and completed a few things Friday morning to free up the rest of the day, I could have 3.5 days! So, I did it.
Friday evening a friend joined me for a low-key evening in, complete with dinner and a movie. Saturday I stayed home again. I watched another movie and a few episodes of a favorite TV show. I mowed the lawn. I ran an errand. I think I napped? Sunday, I decided to go out of town overnight and booked a hotel on the Gulf Coast. Minus the adventure I created for myself by forgetting my purse (including cash, cards and identification) at home, two hours from where I'd just driven, it was a refreshing weekend. Who said grown-ups don't need their parents? Mine laughed with me and generously wired me money so I could eat more than the two granola bars, plum and four baby carrots I had remaining in my snack stash. Thanks Mom and Dad! (Not to mention, thanks to the kind people at the hotel who allowed me to check in...) I took a walk on the beach, ate Cuban food, spent time with the Lord, ate ice cream, laid out the next morning... In all, it was grand.
So today I've been feeling the pressure again. It goes something like this... "Jessica, you need to get it together and make these things happen. You need to be more creative. You need to have a plan for where you're going and know how to get there... What are you going to tell people? Why would anyone follow you unless you have a comprehensive plan? You have to prove you're worth it to the team..." Once I acknowledged this voice in my head, I was able to recognize something... In the past few years, God has been teaching me a significant lesson and it goes like this: Be Still. Everything this voice was saying was encouraging the opposite. In fact, I felt panic rise. I wondered how badly I was failing. I wondered how disposable I would become if I couldn't get it together to be brilliant and perfect. What lies.
The truth is, God wants me to give every part of who I am to Him. The sweetest seasons these past few years have come as I've sat with Him and waited. I've asked questions. I've listened (often as I read His Word He begins speaking things to me from there about direction and ideas...). I've moved when He has indicated it is the time to begin. And the cool thing? There's been good fruit. Some days I can't see it well, but it's okay. As I'm walking with Jesus, fully giving myself to Him and enjoying Him, He does things I can't picture at the starting line. He exceeds my expectations of what I thought possible -- always. I need to see this, too. I need to remember because the way He works is very different than the way the world invites me to work.
The hard part? He gets the credit. Of course, that's actually wonderful... But, my pride struggles with it at times. If I'm honest, I still see myself wanting to build my own kingdom. I still see myself wanting to be thought of in a way where others respect me, want me around, see me as a vital part of the team because of what I contribute. That's where this "prove your worth" mentality comes in. When I forget that what He asks of me is to give myself to Him -- not just what I do, but every aspect of who I am -- so He can move in and through me, I live under this invisible pressure. He is not the source of this pressure. The thing is, I don't have to live there. It's totally my choice.
So today, instead of sitting under it, I heard the Lord. I heard Him tell me He loves me. I heard Him say He knows the steps. I heard Him say He has the ideas. And, I heard Him invite me to make a cup of coffee. So, I did. And, it's grand. It's so good to remember that He is God. It's so good to remember that He'll give me what I need to do what He wants me to do. It's so good to remember that my role is to listen and obey. (Oh, and don't forget enjoy!! He's absolutely wonderful and worth spending time with, you know?)
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