My Heart Is Here: Two Years Later

Two years ago at this time I was hurting. A relational disappointment (to say it mildly) painted the landscape of life and work whisked me away to Colorado for the summer. I oversaw a design research process focused on recent grads and we hoped the information we compiled and analyzed would make a lasting impact on the organization. I spent days and days with the mountains as my backdrop again for the first time in a handful of years. The familiar environment which shaped me from my youngest of years brought great comfort as I poured myself into work and pressed in to healing. I lived life around the corner from some of my best friends -- that alone met a need I didn't know the depth of and provided a safe space to exhale and process all that had just taken place.

The Lord took me in to the cavern of an old grief -- a relationship which meant the most to me out of all those I'd had in my life. My sadness was profound. I couldn't understand why, after all of those years, I had to go back to that particular story. I thought I'd grieved it fully, but my tears literally showered me with fresh understanding... It still wasn't finished in my heart. The drops were the largest I'd seen fly from my eyes and they came regularly. Daily, my belly felt the weight of my sadness, my loss.

Every time it rained, it seemed God pointed my eyes to the rainbow which followed as if to say, "See... Remember... My promises are true." Jesus, a man of sorrows, acquainted with deep grief became my companion in the midst of my struggle to believe God at His word. I looked at those rainbows which frequently appeared in my path and wept time and again. How could He mean it? What was this pain I was walking through again? Why rehash it now when the thing was long-dead?

Our staff conference started and for the first time ever, I found myself completely secure to sit alone. I made my way in to the arena on my schedule and found a quiet place on the floor where I could be with Him. At times, I'd find a friend to sit with, but more than not I found tremendous solace in being 'by myself' (in a room of 6,000...). I felt like I had a lot of questions for the Lord two years ago, yet I sat quietly in the enormous space longing to simply sit with Him. I didn't really know how to ask what I felt I wanted to ask.

He gave me a piece of understanding one day about steps forward--He wanted me to offer what I'd been given over the years to my church family. Little did I know in that moment... He was preparing the way for me to leave this family I'd belonged to since college. I savored the conference though. I breathed it in. I took note of my surroundings. I rested as I realized how small I was in such a big organization. I felt challenged by how big my heart had grown during the long season of service. It seemed the size and capability of my heart surpassed the enormity of this family and the work we did. The Lord had matured me, I realized. He had more for me. But mostly, I just knew He wanted to be with me and I wanted to be with Him. It was a beginning I didn't even know I was starting.

Two years later, I watch as friends from Orlando were hired, giving excellence to the event to honor Him and serve the staff. I watch online, not from my perch on the floor any longer. I watch from 1,545 United Airline miles away. I watch from my home which has become more of a home than I ever imagined it could be... The home there feeling more like a distant cousin these days. I watch as I transition from an extremely painful season in my new adventure to a season of hope and, I believe, breakthrough. I watch and part of me misses it. I belonged to it and it to me. Now, I'm an onlooker, an observer. It feels really, really strange. But then, I imagine if I was part of it still. That, I cannot imagine. My heart isn't there any longer (though my appreciation and love for it is significant).

My heart is here. I am walking in the thing He has for me and there's a fathomless beauty in this place. There's space to create and grow and change the world in ways I have yet to imagine. He has become my Home. The life He has called me to live is a gift. Still, I miss the old piece of it today.  Perhaps these tears are for the loss of what I knew. There are so many unknowns here. So, so many. At times, it is the hardest challenge I face in the midst of days where I wonder what is best and how to respond and what is next on the horizon for these people and this place.

And tonight, I don't doubt the reality that I'm supposed to be here... I believe His promises in a way I didn't think I'd ever be able to again... And, I continue to wonder: How does this all turn out?