What Holds Me Back

I've been thinking a lot this week about what it takes to step into the things I really want in life--things I'm called to, dreams I've dreamed, hopes I've held on to over all of the years. Regarding the book and the writing specifically, I've been reminded how I simply have to try. Sometimes the lack of 'try' is the only thing truly holding me back.

I have to continue to take time for it, allow myself the freedom to be creative and explore the truth through actual stories in my life, but I can also invent... In fact, the short I posted here the other day was an early attempt at the latter. It has been a challenge to write what I've learned through my own stories at times. I think part of it has to do with the need to step back into those moments and places--it's tough. I've experienced so much healing over the years and the writing requires me to go back to the hard stuff in depth. Line by line I've been retelling those stories that have been the source of so much wounding and so much shaping. There's the beauty though--the shaping. I've learned a lot. Yet, it's taxing to revisit it all.

I guess I've wondered how I move through it so I can finish the work. The idea of this feels daunting most days. I feel weary of the stories. I've lived them over and over again already... At the end of the day, I want to see it come together. So, I choose to press in and move forward. I don't want to give up on the bigger picture of where all of this is taking me. Of course, I don't see clearly where that is exactly, but there's the hope of it. There's always hope.

I found it encouraging to try exploring what I've learned from another angle. It's not the direction of the book, certainly, but I realized something important... There are so many people I've known over the years that I've learned from. I could write dozens of books by simply offering what I've noticed about each--mix and match their traits... Characters and books galore!! I felt bolstered as I understood this. It gave me a little push beyond my box. I needed it.

So, here's to trying.