Tell Me, Show Me

The truth can hurt, but it also sets us free. Last week I learned a couple of things that I've genuinely missed in the past two years. The lack of communication and clarity on one end and my inability to understand on my end has left me feeling a deeper sense of sadness on the whole. I've been really, really angry this year. Many things have contributed, but at the root of it I've found how my expectations for what I thought I was getting into and the reality of what it is do not add up. The anger, I've discovered is actually founded in deep sadness and disappointment. In practice, the things stated were not how they were lived out.

Funny enough, the research I used to do involved this understanding at the core. I'd walk into an interview and ask someone to tell me how they did a particular task. Once they outlined it in detail, I'd ask them to show me how they did the same task. They always did it differently than the way they explained how they did it to me. I knew the person didn't intend to lie or mislead me. In fact, awareness would often wash over their faces as they realized they really didn't accomplish it the way they said they did. We all do this in our lives. The neat thing was, solutions would come to us as we understood the gaps between what was said and what was actually done. There was space for creativity and new paths to form as we looked into those gaps.

Right now, I MUST choose to look at the circumstances and people in my life this way. If I don't, I fear I will succumb to the anger and grow bitter. It's a daily tension I'm feeling right now. I want to forgive and move forward, but the pain of the things I've experienced continues to follow me around. At the end of the day, it feels easier to be angry than allow myself to feel the sadness. But, the truth is I'm so very, very sad. I'm sad this isn't what I thought it would be. I'm disappointed that clarity didn't come until an unplanned piece of a conversation occurred and all of the light bulbs went on for me. "OH. That is EXACTLY why I feel the way I feel here," I realized. Finally, the truth came out and I saw how I wasn't as crazy as I have imagined. The things others have spoken in were affirmed, as were my own thoughts on this experience. It felt great and it felt awful.

But, now I know. I can move forward into places I'd rather be and offer what I have to offer where it is wanted and genuinely needed. It's really freeing to know that now. And, I'm trying to look at it this way: it only took me two years to figure it out. I could have remained in this for much longer. That, in and of itself, is a gift. So here's to taking responsibility for my own life, being released and stewarding my gifts well. It's terrifying, but it's time.