Beyond Winter

 Today I've been wondering what it means for me to pursue beauty in the context of my life. Moving into a new place recently, all I've been thinking about when it comes to home life is how to bring order to it and cultivate an environment where people feel welcomed and even inspired. I've been absolutely energized by this place and the possibilities I see here. From the moment I viewed it, I couldn't stop thinking about how to make it special. It has a great foundation--all I have to do is build on it and highlight the best features.

There has been a lot of talk about the idea that I'm entering a new season. God has been speaking it to me for months and now He has other people joining the dialogue, affirming what He has said. This winter I've been in has been so very long. I've had glimpses of spring here and there for a number of years -- some of the glimpses have seemed to last, but when the winter has folded in again (like a good Colorado 'spring' snow), I've found myself discouraged bordering on despair. "You must not be hearing right..." or "You're not doing this right..." So much of what I've written recently contributes to these notions. As I said before, I'm pointed back to my true identity in Jesus and the idols I fall for, like control in relationships and work.

But you know, I think the Lord sees possibilities much like I see them in my new home. I think He sees blossoms when I wonder about the impending spring storm that reminds me it's not really spring after all... I want to believe Him. I want the newness and the freshness of Spring. I want those blossoms and the hope of new life forming and bursting up from soil which has rested in preparation for a new season throughout a seemingly unending New England winter. (Hey, why not draw both into this story? I've lived them both, after all...)

To be honest, I don't see many places to cultivate beauty in my current reality. When I've tried, the brakes have been applied from outside and inside sources. The way I offer it hasn't seemed to be desired and I haven't been able to figure out how to offer it in a different way. And I've been trying to fit a mold. I've been offering myself in a way where I seek permission to do what I sense I should do and it feels wretched. I think much of it is my own perspective. I cannot seem to see things as they actually might be... I feel chained to unseen obligations which are likely rooted in other places in my story. But I look at the reality of how I'm living and I don't think I can do it anymore because this desire for beauty is pulling me apart at the seams. It sounds terrible writing it that way--painful--but I think it's actually good. I want to live from a whole heart and I need to decide what's really going on in there so I can get to the place where I offer it! Frankly, all in all, I'm really the one holding myself back. I can look around and point my finger, but at the end of the day I'm making these choices. Ultimately, I point at myself... It's my responsibility to live my life.

It's enough. I'm tired of making excuses, trying to be 'what I should be' or trying not to be what I 'should not be'... I'm tired of my joy being gone. It has been missing for quite some time. And the Lord is inviting me to live in light of the joy of my salvation again. This beautiful thing He has done -- restored me to relationship! I get to live from this glorious and free and whole place. And with His help I've got to sort out what that means for my day-to-day so I can cease living under the heavy things I allow myself to stay under.

Today He reminded me of a place He took me five years ago... 

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”

I keep running back to the place where I allow things to be put on me which feel heavy and ill-fitting. Many times I stick them on my own back! I just picture the Lord kindly shaking His head at me saying, "Jessica, you don't have to live there... remember?" But it's so comfortable... It's so known. By His grace I've come so far. I still have so much room to grow. And yes, I'm afraid.

So today, I just keep thinking, "Grow. Go beyond everything you've ever known and held onto in this life. Surprise yourself by walking in light of how brave you actually are. Go after the beautiful things He has placed in your heart even when you don't know how the journey goes. Take a step. Breathe in the air... The winter has gone... It's SPRING."