I Belonged There

Standing in my shoes today, the view from here looks dreary. It rained this morning, but then the sun came out. I don't feel very capable of appreciating its brightness. Not so much from an outward view (I see how lovely it is!), but from my soul perspective. I feel lonely in my life right now. The reality is hitting me hard this week. Perhaps this is an aspect of the season of life I'm in. Combined with the challenges I've faced relationally and in my work these past several months, I feel depleted. I don't feel successful at much. I don't feel seen or known well. I don't feel like I belong anywhere specific.

There are many people around my life. They have their opinions about what it looks like from their view and the reasons I've wrestled deeply. I have my own, as well. It's not that I don't think they care for me or want to care--I just don't see anyone having the energy or desire to care in a way that I need someone to care. I continue to extend invitations for people to be "inside"--some are accepted and that has been very sweet. God has met me through people who have taken the time to notice me and those who have also invited me to be part of what they're doing. But, my trust has also been broken as other people have taken what they've seen on the inside and shared it on the outside. That's not so sweet.  And, all of that aside, I think I'm just weary in the process of extending invitations. It feels like planning my own birthday party over and over again, hoping people will want to come but realizing they've found something more exciting to do instead.

One of my oldest friends put it well about a month ago, "You have good friends in your life, but you don't have a group... Everyone who you're close with is part of their own circle and you belong with those individuals, but the circles don't connect." Once upon a time, I did have a group. Earlier today I had the chance to share about that group. Those friends wanted me there. It wasn't even a question in my mind or theirs whether I'd be included in plans being made. At one point, I'd moved thousands of miles away and they called saying they had to have me at a last blowout party and wanted to pay to fly me home to be with them... "It wouldn't be the same without you," they exclaimed.

I knew I belonged there. And wow, thinking of it now, I felt safe, secure and oh so very loved. I knew I was wanted. I knew my presence was precious to them. I felt precious. I'm seeing now how profoundly their love changed me. What a gift. What an absolute gift.

I told the Lord today that I'm not sure how to walk this path He has me on. I know I belong to Him. I know the picture is not as black and white as the story I've unpacked above illustrates--my perception is incomplete. I just feel the deficit deeply today. I'm tired of being strong. I'm tired of being told how things should work. I'm tired of being told I offer so much one week and being critiqued over the smallest thing the next. I'm sad as people who have expressed their willingness to battle for me have pushed me away. I'm just tired right now. There's just a lot more bad than good. And, it feels really hard.