John of the Cross, a Spanish believer and spiritual pilgrim, referred to times like the one I've been walking through as "the dark night of the soul" - there's a consciousness regarding the depth of pain we experience when all of our hopes in God do not add up to the reality of what we see and understand. The process has been challenging to sit in, but I'm grateful that I've chosen to be still. The value to my soul? Immeasurable.
I've been praying for years that I would more fully experience what the Apostle Paul talks about in Ephesians 3:
"...that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height--
to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God." (emphasis mine)
I think these recent months, and even the past several years, are a clear answer to this prayer. While it seems counter-intuitive and even cruel, I am coming to understand that in order to experience God's love in this way, I must be wounded by Him first. John of the Cross talks about this in his writings. When I first read it, my anger increased and I felt a greater measure of despondency. How could God choose to wound me further? Wasn't the struggle and disappointment severe enough?
And now, I see more clearly. In my life I have set up systems and structures that act as "workarounds" to deal with the brokenness. I'm more dependent upon these than I am upon God who loves me deeply and sent His Son to free me from this very thing. I've been coping my whole life.
The answers? I don't know them all or even most or some.
What I do know:
I am present.
I am listening.
I am in it.
I am not alone.
My hope is in God.
