Reflecting

Tonight I'm feeling a bit nostalgic. It's quiet in my apartment. Sitting atop my new eggplant-colored chair, laptop perched upon my lap and listening to the sounds of the cars drive by on the dampened Boulevard, I reflect.

Moments, several moments, too many moments, this past week brought me back to the reality of the brokenness that exists in the lives of people that I love. Just minutes ago I sent an email that was challenging to write. Part of the larger story is that I don't know where these two friends are or what has happened in the recent months. I feel left out and unaware, but not so much wounded by the lack of inclusion in their affairs as the limited knowledge of how life is for them and what has transpired between them. Email is never my choice communication medium especially when the circumstances require greater sensitivity and care. And, this added to the degree of stress I felt as I typed. I wanted to be careful and loving and available and grateful.

It's not just this circumstance, but as I mentioned, many. People are broken. People make good decisions. People make poor decisions. People seek wholeness. People hurt others. People are hurt by others. People grow. People remain stagnant. People want to control their own lives. The list goes on and on.

As I have continued to grow in my relationship with God, one thing I've noticed is a increasing awareness of my own brokenness. For some, this might sound miserable - "Becoming more in tune with how messed up I really am? Why would I want to do that?" For me, it has been so encouraging and freeing. In the midst of seeing my junk and dealing with it (not running from it, avoiding it, ignoring it), I have an immense gratitude for the work of Jesus in my life. I don't have to do this on my own! I am completely loved and accepted for who I am! I am forgiven! I am secure! I am in process! I am made whole!

Yet in my humanity, I am still broken. I still fail. I still hurt others. I am still hurt. That's life...

Where does the nostalgia fit in to all of this? If you know me, you know that I see the glass as "half full!" When life tosses you lemons... Well, I make lemonade. Though, as I get older I've noticed my tendency to "sit" longer in the grief of the brokenness. At times it is overwhelming. I don't think I ever considered how the actions of those that I love would impact my own heart and life. But they have... Deeply. Even when it had nothing to do with me. I'm learning that the decisions we make take their toll on those that we most care about - for better or worse. The challenge is this: How do I live rightly?

For my part of it, I know that I have to trust God to continue to show me how to do so beginning in the smallest decisions of my life. I have to ask him to show me the potential repercussions of my choices and I need to choose the road that may be most challenging to walk down in the present, but that which will most bless and encourage the people that he places in my life. After all, it's not just about me. My hope is that I will finish well.