Artists I know understand something about the process. The initial inspiration leads them to action and by some means unknown to me, most would say that the product is not what they originally envisioned, but better. Though I try to internalize the greatness of how it seems to work, I struggle with the reality.
If you know me, you know that I thrive on the messy and love to solve problems with excellence. A perfectionist and yes, Type A (me in a box!), I have a tendency to procrastinate until I know I can do something well. As a result, the creative process can feel like torture to me. I love the idea of expressing myself, engaging with the Lord and experiencing His truth as I write, draw or paint; yet, all of these forms of artistry take a toll because I can't know how it will turn out in the end. And, if I'm honest, I don't know how open I am to feeling this 'seen'. I am afraid.
As I type, I'm also reminded of how this comparison relates to people--you cannot control them, you must listen and temper your expectations of what's coming next. Uncertainty is the only certainty you're guaranteed. Intimacy comes when you are vulnerable and let them close enough to see the cracks and they do the same. This, too, is scary.
Today I sat down and actually completed two smallish paintings. Shockingly, I found myself reveling in the process throughout the whole of the morning! I smiled and teared up as I realized it mid-stroke. And, who knows if they're even any good--though, it really doesn't matter... I like them.
It feels brave.
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