Beautiful Things

There's a song that I've come to love... Much of it goes like this...

"You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of the dust

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of us"

--Gungor--

This afternoon, I pulled out my oil pastels and took time to draw and reflect on these lyrics. Here's what came out:

I've been thinking a lot these days about my strength. Mostly, I've been evaluating my belief that I lack it. While I know this is not true, I've often bought into the lie that I don't have what it takes to make it through the difficulties in my life. They have been immense in a way. Recently, a friend and I reflected on the hardships I've experienced these past few years. I feel like I've been to hell and back in specific ways relationally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. I've wondered if I would make it to the other side OR if the record player of my life would "play and repeat" adversity forever ...

God has begun to reveal, with more clarity, why he has brought me into this place of refinement through hardship. He wants to free me from those war wounds I mentioned recently. In fact, the other day, my brother put it this way, "He wants to kill the performer!" God cares so much more about my soul than he does about what I do for him.

I have to type that again...

God cares so much more about my soul than he does about what I do for him.

I've been forced to slow my pace. Most days it feels like I'm creeping along. But, the stillness has revealed this bittersweet truth: I am in deep pain. And, God has provided me with the strength to handle the process of healing. Here's how he's recently been showing this to me:

Two weeks ago, I found a card from one of my best friends. She sent it to me the first year I was in Boston... It was significant then and means so much today: "Your strength may surprise you... The rest of us already know..."

My back is healing from my car accident months ago, and as I've been challenging myself in physical therapy, I've noticed something... I'm actually achieving things that I'd given up on, watching daily as my strength returns and I regain ground I thought I lost.

Last night at church, a friend came to me during the musical worship time near the end. She said, "The Lord wants you to know that you are strong. You are stronger than you think you are..." I wept.

Today, I've chosen to step into my strength.

"You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of the dust

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of us"

...

God = Refuge

Two weeks ago I had a feeling... If I could just give myself the grace to not have it together and do what I was 'supposed' to be doing, but make the choice to rest and listen to my body instead, my energy would return. And today, coming home from my physical therapy and chiropractic appointments, I realized that it is coming back! Honestly, this is such a sweet gift from God. To have the flexibility to be able to live this out is one huge blessing and having seen growth in my life to the point where I actually chose it is amazing!

I feel grateful.
I feel encouraged.
I feel seen by God.
I feel loved by Him.

Psalm 91 has come up again and again these past few weeks. In fact, almost every time I've opened my Bible, the page has fallen there... He definitely got my attention. So many parts of the Psalm resonate with my heart right now (given the things I've shared here recently, as well as these musings for today), but this stuck out this morning as I read the Message version of the text:

"If you'll hold on to me for dear life," says God,
"I'll get you out of any trouble.
I'll give you my best of care
if you'll only get to know and trust me.
Call me and I'll answer, be at your side in bad times;
I'll rescue you, then throw you a party.
I'll give you a long life,
give you a long drink of salvation!"
(Psalm 91:14-16)

I laughed aloud when I read the part about throwing me a party. He's so fun, isn't He? The early parts of the Psalm talk about God as our refuge. I'm resting in that today. He is my home and with Him, I am safe. I'm learning that as I listen, I'm living and thriving--far from my past history of simply surviving.

How grateful I am to Him for such sweet gifts in the midst of life that still feels rather confusing and chaotic right now. Trusting, leaning, depending, waiting, needing, listening... New words that are finding their way into my everyday vocabulary.