War Wounds

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." 

John 16:33

I don't know about you, but when I break down in tears with the physical therapist over a simple inability to conquer a more intense version of the plank, it's time to really take stock of what's happening inside. I knew I was off this morning. I had the hardest time sleeping and sent a late night text to my big brother to see if he might be able to give me some perspective. Sadly, when we finally did connect at 1:30 AM, he was engaged with a friend and couldn't offer more than a listening ear for the overview before hanging up with a promise to talk soon. Thankfully, just the brief connection helped put me at ease and I fell asleep a short time later.

I jolted awake 30 minutes before my scheduled alarm and the thoughts that kindly slipped away as I embraced REM, flooded back into my consciousness. Hours later, I'm still not certain what it is that I'm feeling. Loss? Grief? Disturbed? I cannot pinpoint the emotion and perhaps that's why peace seems far from me. Obviously I'm vague, but I learned something last night that has been challenging to process. Does it alter life? No, not really, but I'm struggling with it. 

More to the point, I think it has much to do with this fear that has crept back into my life this past week; it comes in the form of this statement: "I don't want to be messed with again..." Life and relationships have taught me many things, but this sits high atop the list. The Lord, in His goodness I believe, has brought this up for a purpose--perhaps to heal this particular war wound.

It's true. Life is filled with pain. Sometimes it seems like it sits at attention waiting to spill over, covering every ounce of hopefulness that exists in my life. The old platitude, "This too shall pass," no longer comforts but becomes yet another stake to plunge into the ground declaring the absurdity of the broken world.

And then I remember... "But take heart! I have overcome the world." 

Meeting with two sweet women yesterday, we chatted for hours about forgiveness. What does it mean to forgive? In part, we must confess where we are in relationship to God--understanding our own depravity and need for forgiveness. We are not able to give what we have not received. Then, we are free to forgive ourselves and forgive others. How is this possible? Truly, only through a relationship with Jesus. We cannot manufacture it--it had to have been provided for us. There's no other source, no other way.

At one point in our dialogue we read a favorite passage of mine in the Bible that speaks about hope:

"Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us."

Romans 5:1-5

God has met me time and again through this particular passage because it points me to what is true. Where is my hope found? Hope does not exist to disappoint... It exists because God loves us and provides a greater picture and truth about the world than what we see and experience regularly. He has made us righteous by grace (which we stand in! Amazing...) through the work that Jesus accomplished in his life, death and resurrection. We're at peace with God and therefore, whatever trouble we encounter, we are transformed as we move through it and find: hope; and, we can move beyond it to the glory of God. Not only that (as if it wasn't enough!), he ensures that we're able to walk in his love through the gift of the Holy Spirit. I'm just in awe of him...

Honestly, even after all of that, my feelings are still at war inside me. The ability to heal, forgive and hope have to be entrusted to God. I cannot make those things happen in my own strength. I lack it. But, I do want those things... I'm trusting him for it.

Which reminds me, last week I sensed the Lord asking me that question: "Whom do you trust, Jess?"

In this world we will have trouble... Jesus has overcome the world.

Green Lights?

"Who had time for those switchbacks with the destination so clearly in sight?"

Taylor, Barbara Brown. An Altar in the World: A Geography of Faith.

Canada: HarperCollins Publishing, 2009.

I'm certainly not much of a fan of switchbacks. When my eyes see ahead to the end goal, I'm there within seconds and have figured out the best course of action to get directly from Point A --where I'm likely standing-- to point B. Once a decision is made, green lights all the way, baby! But, that's not always life. Certainly not my life at this moment, anyhow. The past week or so I have absolutely longed for it to work this way, but I've been traversing a path that keeps winding me around to a familiar location: the place of Waiting.

I add a capital "W" there because it feels like a real place right now. I'm there. I wonder if I'll ever leave it and somehow, I'm coming to understand that as I become more self-aware, I'll likely find myself living here. There are always things to wait upon. My dear friend told me that truth years ago in a poignant way referencing her own story--you wait to grow up, go to school, graduate from school, meet someone, get engaged, get married, have a baby... And, more routinely, you wait in line at the grocery store, post office and in traffic. You get the idea. We all have to wait. It is a necessary and admittedly, a good part of life. So why doesn't it feel good?

Control--yep, the tug-o-war is in play. I want to be in control. I want to determine how things will happen so I can know how I'll feel about them happening; and then I can decide whether I want that thing, whatever it is, to happen or not. Whew... That feels exhausting just to write out, let alone live. But, past experience has taught me that hurt awaits if I don't control my own life-- you just can't let people get that close or allow that thing hoped for to carry the weight it does... "Live and learn," right?

While I do need to exercise more discernment when it comes to trusting others and making wise decisions about my life, I also need to leap! Faith says that I won't always understand why or how, but I must trust something (Someone, in fact), greater than myself. The switchbacks don't make sense to me, but he gets it and is engaging my heart as I faithfully maneuver their corners.

So today I'm seeking to enjoy the view and the journey. I'm finding that as I embrace the course set before me, I'm experience peace deep within my belly--and if you know me, you know what a great thing that is! Here's to letting the Lord inform the future and waiting on his best for my life, not manufacturing my own version of what I think is best... It's a process. I'm in it.