Rebuilding & Restoration

"What does this bunch of poor, feeble Jews think they're doing? Do they think they can build the wall in a single day by just offering a few sacrifices? Do they actually think they can make something of stones from a rubbish heap--and charred ones at that?" --Sanballat, Nehemiah 4: 1-2

Sometimes I wonder that, too: "Do I actually think..." The enemies of Israel were not kind. In fact, in Nehemiah, we see them reminding the Jews of the truth--the city was vulnerable and the work to restore the city wall was an enormous endeavor. I see my life in the picture of those simple stones that have been laid in a rubbish heap. I feel the coarseness of the char that exists in my soul from days gone by that have brought destruction and death. And, over the years, I've chosen to believe the enemy.

Thank God for the "Nehemiah's" of the world! As he learns of the enemy's threats, he establishes a system for protection so the rebuilding might continue when under attack. I love what he says after putting this framework into play (Nehemiah 4:19-20):

"The work is very spread out, and we are widely separated from each other along the wall. When you hear the blast of the trumpet, rush to wherever it is sounding. Then our God will fight for us!"

Two things stand out to me; first, the people were called to help one another--they were in it together--and two, even when they might rush to where the trumpet was sounding, Nehemiah recognized that it was God who would fight for them--Nehemiah knew God. Amazing.

Years of my life have gone by where I've lived in unseen bondage to beliefs established in the past. My walls of protection have turned to rubble as patterns were secured where I listened to and lived in light of the lies. I lost sight of what it looked like to fight. Honestly, I don't think I realized there was something real to battle. While I've delved into some of this during the last three years, over Christmas it became apparent that there were more areas of vulnerability in my life. And God, in His kindness, opened my eyes to see and hear the taunts of the Enemy. He brought someone alongside me to battle with me, but ultimately, He was the one providing the insight, direction, clarity and power needed to win.

I'm not sure if the Jews felt this way, but I was humbled by my lack of faith and belief. I cried tears of repentance and told God how sad I was that I believed so many things that are contrary to who He is for so long. And, the wall isn't fully rebuilt yet, but it's a beginning. There are more battles to engage in and I must live with resolution to believe God and invite other people to be in it with me. This past week I've been so grateful as He has shown generosity towards me, allowing me to recognize things that aren't from me or from Him. It has changed my perspective on the world and the impact of the supernatural in my day-to-day.

My heart is that God would fully restore me. I know it's possible--Jesus made it so. And, I know He will. I'm asking Him again to take this rubble and build a wall so solid that the lies remain on the outside. We cannot give what we do not have, after all. I know that experiencing the freedom He bought for me will have far reaching influence; I just need to live in light of it first. The exciting thing is, He is already accomplishing it in and through me...

Belonging

I'd be lying if I didn't say that sometimes I want to give up on people. Recently I've been considering what it means to continue to take the initiative in relationships even when the prospect of doing so leaves me open to feelings of rejection. Or, in another vein, finds me wondering "what if"--what if I didn't initiate? Would others seek me out and include me?

We've all found ourselves in positions like this, I'm sure. This reality has hit home a few times over the past several months when I've reached out to friends to make plans or include them in something I'm doing, but they don't reciprocate or think to call me when they move forward on something we've all talked about doing. It's hurtful, honestly and I have wondered why I wasn't included. But, it feels petty and shameful to be sad about being left out in those moments.

Yet, what I realize is that this can be significant in a couple of ways: one,  feeling forgotten or unwanted by people I care about is painful; and two, what I want to do with that pain is a weighty reality. Often, I want to close myself off from those relationships because it hurts too deeply to continue in them. Why would I want to set myself up for further disappointments? In the past, I've done that--cut people out, I mean. Let me say now, it's not a great option. In the process, you shut off important things inside of you that take effort and time, and yes, more pain to re-open. But, what are we to do with it all?

My brother and I were talking about this on the phone today. I told him that I'm trying to live a better story in this area of my life and seeking to remain open. Part of this comes from remembering that other people also want to belong. What does it look like for me to love radically and to re-frame what feels like rejection from some into an opportunity and invitation for others to step into life with me? It reminds me of the story Jesus told in Luke 14 of a rich man who planned a large banquet and at the last moment, all of his friends unanimously decided to find better things to do than come to his feast. Instead of sulking about, he made a decision to include those who were never included. He sent his servants out with the directive to search high and low for anyone who would come to his feast and fill his house. Now, I'm taking this a bit out of context here... I mean, I'm not a rich man who is experiencing purposeful rejection by his friends for some social reason the reader isn't privy to, but I can learn from him. He sought out those who did not belong and brought them in. How beautiful! Isn't that exactly what God has done for us? It made me further consider:

Who are those around me (including my current friends) who I might pursue and take the initiative with even when it means more risk for me?

How might I include them?

If my friends opt out, why wouldn't I pursue others and make new memories with them?

And, with regard to my closer friends, why hold a grudge or act out on the hurt? Forgiveness is key to maintaining strong relationships with them and keeping myself available to loving them well. I don't want to be a person who develops a bitter heart. I do want to be a person who gives others grace and remains open to relationships even when they hurt.

What it really comes down to is that I want to belong. I think others do, too, so I think I can choose to move towards them with joy and enthusiasm, don't you?

Reason 1.85 Million I Know God Loves Me

Peanut butter and dark chocolate, I mean, four words that make me remember God's love for me in a low key way. Today, I had such a hankering for a rich treat and I knew I'd be disappointed if I didn't eat something that satisfied it. But there is always a risk; often, the craving leads you in a direction and you buy something that doesn't measure up and then it's sad, right? : )

Well, I had to run to the chiropractor a little while ago and all day I kept thinking about chocolate cake. I knew that I didn't want to take the time to make one (and I know that THAT one would be perfect!), so I was considering other options.

By the way, isn't it nice that this took over my thought-life today?

Back to the topic at hand... I went to the chiropractor and as I walked in I saw Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory (Go Colorado!) just to the right of the office. And, after my adjustment, I laughed at myself thinking here I was having done something good for my body and now, well, welcome sugar!! I quickly made my way next store and discovered an enormous dark chocolate peanut butter cup. Let's just say my craving and a little over five dollars is gone. (As is seventy-percent of that deliciousness...)

Even better, I was cleaning out the trunk of my car when I got home (moving around for a few months has a way of helping one gather piles of things) and came across a box of papers and cards. Filtering through the items, I found a Publix receipt and wrapped therein: seven dollars! I made money today. Not too shabby!

Happy Monday, world. I think the week is looking up.