Taxes & Twitter

I had a tender moment on Twitter last night.  I made a little 'office' space out of two storage bins stacked on top of the other and sat in my lovely dark leather chair which has been with me since Colorado... This set-up was much more comfortable than the kitchen table we're hoping to send to a new home soon. Trust me. So there I was detailing my mileage log in preparation to meet with an accountant today and tears came. I took a second away from my spreadsheet and wrote:

It's remarkable how the simple act of working on 2013 taxes brings up each hardship of the past year. Thankful to wrap it up fully.

The feeling was strange. I was executing this mundane task over hours and hours while reliving some of the most poignant, painful and eye-opening moments of this past year. Not quite sure how to feel, I let the tears come and told the Lord about them. Whew. 2013. You were a toughy. 

There are so many things I've said and thought and felt about the very moments I recorded for the sake of another tax deduction, but now, on this side of it, I'm simply amazed by the quantity of the yuck. Again.

I knew it was bad. If you've read anything I've written here this past year, you probably did, too. It was bad. 

One thing hit me late in the evening though. Perhaps it was delirium from sitting in 30 different positions on that chair and staring at those numbers and the printout and wondering if I missed anything, but I had another moment of clarity:  it was bad, but it has led me into so much good. Without it, I would not be where I am today and I actually feel like it's worth it somehow. I think I've said that before, but after detailing those days and the drive from one awful conversation to the next one, I needed to be reminded. 

It's like I could see why I have made the decisions I've made in the last few months. They make so much sense. I feel proud of myself for listening. Though, I wish I would have allowed myself to leap sooner. I could have been spared a bit of the pain, I think if I had. Hindsight.  

And I want to wrap it up, but I have a feeling I'll be revisiting many of those moments again as I write these books that are on the horizon. Part of me doesn't know how to do that as I consider it. It's still fresh in many ways and I worry about how to honor people while telling my truth. For now though, I think I'll leave it there. Taxes done. Refunds (yes, you read that correctly: refunds!) on the way. All in all, not a bad day.