Out of the Noise

It's grey outside this afternoon and I hoped the rain would actually come. What a tease! All of that wind and even the feeling of it in the air which sent me directly to the curb to bring the trash bin in before it poured... Or not.

I've turned on the lamps in my living room on account of the lack of brightness and it sort of feels lovely in here--even with a bit of a mess around the house today. I've been sorting through things in hopes of getting rid of more stuff and having space to actually store the things I really want around. It has been a good process for me. I'm learning how to let go more and more of less important things. This applies to so much more than my 'stuff' these days.

While printing pages of what will become my first draft of a book manuscript soon, I hope, I realized I hadn't blogged in quite some time. I've been working on a poem these past few weeks and continuing to ponder the book project while penning ideas in my mind for how the next part goes. I'm not writing in order which has presented an interesting challenge of sorts, but like my abstract paintings, I think it's becoming something even though the structure seems more lacking than abundant at the moment.

Honestly, I've felt fairly overwhelmed the past few weeks. There have been some significant happenings in my life and in the lives of people I love. It's always amazing to see how much emotional weight I carry. God is continuing to invite me to sit still, recognize exactly what it is and hand it back to Him. I'm still learning how to do so after all of these years. Going into the "prayer closet" is becoming increasingly more important the older I get and yet, it's so very easy to just keep moving with all of the 'extra' weighing me down. He's reminding me to continue to stop, to rest and to relate with Him over what comes up in the quiet.

Today, I worked from a coffee shop for a while and there was a group from a local church meeting to talk about what they're up to these days. I don't know them or their church, but as I was trying to focus on the book writing, I couldn't help but tune into their conversation and reflect on how my life looked like their's not so long ago. Even six months out from my old work routine, I find myself thinking very differently about church. That hit me strongly today as I eavesdropped a bit. I'm finding how much I'm longing for the Church to sit and be still. We talk a whole lot and have many ideas of what is happening or should happen. It's rather noisy in that place.

This isn't meant as a criticism. Rather, I was surprised to find how my own mind wandered there. I've been a major contributor in the past to that noisiness and I imagine I will fall into that again in moments to come. I know it's important that we work hard and do our best. Activity and talking can be a hindrance though. I think it's part of what God has been rescuing me from... my own tendency to allow my perspective and activity to become more important than the listening and the being.

There is little in my life which actually makes sense at the moment, but I'm finding how much freedom and peace I'm experiencing in a place of not knowing much of anything and even letting go of what I thought I knew. When I'm sitting quietly, I've been telling the Lord that... I'm genuinely glad to be 'in the dark' because I'm finding how I'm in a protected place, under the shelter of His wing (as it goes in Psalm 91, a personal favorite). I'm learning His character better and better here. And I feel thankful for a rainless, cloudy afternoon to stop and reflect on how good it feels to know so little these days. I'm enjoying the quiet.