Chaotically Calm

Sitting at my desk today, I noticed an oversized pencil a friend gave me a few years back with this phrase on it... "Chaotically Calm." Lately, I find that my days mirror this. Life is chaotic. Will I choose calm?

Often in life I find myself thinking, "Shouldn't it be easier than this?" Life, I mean. Why should it be so challenging? Yet, as a good friend reminded me last week, life is challenging for everyone. Not one person escapes hardship or challenge - I think it's more about how you handle it when it arrives.

The last few weeks I've been thinking about this transition I'm in. It seems like ages since my life changed completely in taking this new role in Boston, but the reality is, it hasn't been that long. I'm still adjusting, trying to figure out who I am, what God wants me to know about Himself, where He's placed me and what He wants me to do here.

Somedays, it feels really chaotic. And, I feel really chaotic.

Never before have I wondered so much about my purpose. Maybe it's just the time for it. I thought once that college would be the time to really evaluate and seek to understand what I wanted to do, whom I wanted to become, etc. Not that I missed discovering some of this during those years, but at this stage it seems far more pronounced.

I want my life to "count" and perhaps this is the source of my chaos. I don't want to miss my life. I want to live it, enjoy it, learn, grow and be the best "me" possible. The same friend who gave me the pencil, wrote out this quote for me at the time...

"Jesus is not repelled by us, no matter how messy we are, regardless of how incomplete we are. When we recognize that Jesus is not discouraged by our humanity, is not turned off by our messiness, and simply doggedly pursues us in the face of it all, what else can we do but give in, to his outrageous, indiscriminate love?"

- Michael Yaconelli, Author, Messy Spirituality

Boy, does that resonate! It's encouraging to think that Christ isn't repelled by my chaos. He expects it, understands it and meets me in the midst of it. He knows that life isn't all I hope for somedays. In fact, didn't He tell me to expect suffering? Granted, my suffering looks different than that of other people. I'm grateful that God knows what I'm able to bear in life... But, it's encouraging to think that He doesn't expect me to "arrive" - He doesn't expect perfection. He embraces me where I'm at.

How I long to see myself the way He does! In process... Growing (even when I can't see it)... Forgiven... Loved...

In need...

The good thing about the chaos is that I see my need. For Him. I've never seen my relationship with God as a "crutch" as those who aren't fond of "religion" might say. I've always seen my relationship with God as oxygen. I don't need a crutch... I need new life! I'm broken beyond repair and need a Savior.

If my life is chaotic, Jesus is my calm. He's peace. He redeems. He heals. He embraces. He loves. And, He's not afraid of my chaos.

Chocolate Cake

My friend, Ryan recently blogged about his love of pie and it got me thinking... While I like pie, there is something I love even more... Chocolate Cake! I was craving chocolate cake a few weeks back and in my attempts to satisfy my tastebuds, tried some here, tried some there. I was disappointed every time. But, last week, my roommate decided to make a box version and I made some homemade frosting to complete it. Let me just tell you, it was fabulous.

You'd think that having chocolate cake for a week would take care of the craving. Oh, I wish it were so! Last night I had some friends over for some NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament action, lasagna & of course, chocolate cake! I pulled out the "big guns" - Grandma B's famous (at least in our family) Chocolate Oil Cake recipe complete with out of this world chocolate icing. We weren't disappointed. And, it made me wonder, "Why would I choose Betty, Pillsbury, or anyone else over Grandma?" Homemade is insanely good.

Later in the evening after the guests had gone, my roommate and I sat on the couch enjoying more cake. We wondered aloud to each other, "What is there like chocolate cake?!" I mean, it's so dense, rich, and chocolately um, um good! Candy, cookies, really, every other type of sweet treat doesn't provide anything close to what chocolate cake has to offer. We even entertained the idea of buying a glass enclosed cake "holder" so we could have fresh chocolate cake every week! You never know. : )

Pie is good, but there is nothing like an amazing, homemade CHOCOLATE CAKE!

I love chocolate cake.

Speaking of Random...

...occurrences. Case in point: last Friday, I was unloading some supplies from my car - for my small group retreat - and this man who was walking down my street stopped to talk with me. He asked, "Have you got everything?" My reply, "Yep. Thanks!" He stuck around, introduced himself and asked my name. We began to talk about life... and God!

Friends in Boulder used to tell me how this happened to me "all" the time. I remember thinking that it wasn't true. Now I'm not so sure. What IS interesting to me about this is that I'm in New England now. People just don't come up to you and ask if you need help. People don't just stick around and want to know more about God.

Or, do they? I wonder if people really think about Him more than I think they do. It's interesting when I remember that every person is on a spiritual journey. What are they really looking for? Even in my life as a follower of Jesus, I often think about what I'm looking for - maybe it's not so different.

After all, I really want to be known and to know that there is something greater out there than this life I have. Not to say that my life is all bad, but I often find myself in a place where I am so aware of what this life lacks. Look at the world around us. In these moments of my day I often find myself in a place of gratitude, thanking God that it's about Him and not about me.

So, why should I be surprised when someone, even a random guy on the street, wants to talk and understand more about the God that created his life and mine?