Chaotically Calm

Sitting at my desk today, I noticed an oversized pencil a friend gave me a few years back with this phrase on it... "Chaotically Calm." Lately, I find that my days mirror this. Life is chaotic. Will I choose calm?

Often in life I find myself thinking, "Shouldn't it be easier than this?" Life, I mean. Why should it be so challenging? Yet, as a good friend reminded me last week, life is challenging for everyone. Not one person escapes hardship or challenge - I think it's more about how you handle it when it arrives.

The last few weeks I've been thinking about this transition I'm in. It seems like ages since my life changed completely in taking this new role in Boston, but the reality is, it hasn't been that long. I'm still adjusting, trying to figure out who I am, what God wants me to know about Himself, where He's placed me and what He wants me to do here.

Somedays, it feels really chaotic. And, I feel really chaotic.

Never before have I wondered so much about my purpose. Maybe it's just the time for it. I thought once that college would be the time to really evaluate and seek to understand what I wanted to do, whom I wanted to become, etc. Not that I missed discovering some of this during those years, but at this stage it seems far more pronounced.

I want my life to "count" and perhaps this is the source of my chaos. I don't want to miss my life. I want to live it, enjoy it, learn, grow and be the best "me" possible. The same friend who gave me the pencil, wrote out this quote for me at the time...

"Jesus is not repelled by us, no matter how messy we are, regardless of how incomplete we are. When we recognize that Jesus is not discouraged by our humanity, is not turned off by our messiness, and simply doggedly pursues us in the face of it all, what else can we do but give in, to his outrageous, indiscriminate love?"

- Michael Yaconelli, Author, Messy Spirituality

Boy, does that resonate! It's encouraging to think that Christ isn't repelled by my chaos. He expects it, understands it and meets me in the midst of it. He knows that life isn't all I hope for somedays. In fact, didn't He tell me to expect suffering? Granted, my suffering looks different than that of other people. I'm grateful that God knows what I'm able to bear in life... But, it's encouraging to think that He doesn't expect me to "arrive" - He doesn't expect perfection. He embraces me where I'm at.

How I long to see myself the way He does! In process... Growing (even when I can't see it)... Forgiven... Loved...

In need...

The good thing about the chaos is that I see my need. For Him. I've never seen my relationship with God as a "crutch" as those who aren't fond of "religion" might say. I've always seen my relationship with God as oxygen. I don't need a crutch... I need new life! I'm broken beyond repair and need a Savior.

If my life is chaotic, Jesus is my calm. He's peace. He redeems. He heals. He embraces. He loves. And, He's not afraid of my chaos.