Last night around midnight found me tossing and turning. I was feeling the stress that I so often internalize (gift!), but let's just say that it was not fun--perhaps that's why I've learned to internalize it? But, I digress. Actually, an increasing sense of panic began to spread over me regarding my recent decision to officially move to Florida. I imagined ways of escape:
I could hop a plane and be anywhere but here this weekend,
I could leave my job and start something new, but somewhere where I was known,
I could live by myself and not deal with the anxiety I'm feeling of managing the expectations of three people,
I could sell all of my belongings currently residing in storage in the Northeast and rebuild my home life somehow,
I could...
In all honesty, I didn't like most or any of these suggestions I offered to my panicky self. Ultimately, I realized they wouldn't solve my problem. I wanted to go home. Which, I promptly told the Lord a number of times. And, then I cried as I realized I still don't quite know where that is. Don't get me wrong, I know home is with Him. I'm so grateful that this is true. Yet, me, in this place of transition isn't feeling that at the moment. I'm starting over and it's settling in... deeply.
So today, I made it into the office (did I mention I've been by myself all week, suffering from a virus that has encouraged me to sleep 15-16 hours a day?). I saw real people, whom I spoke with about things. That was good. I felt myself slowly backing away from the ledge, but the tears were immediately below the surface and welled to the brim several times throughout the day.
And tonight, one of my best friends from college called. We caught up for a while and I chatted with her precious little girl on speaker phone. I was grinning from ear-to-ear. She was telling me about making lemonade today (I think it was make-believe) and what she had for dinner (chicken tetrazini--big words for such a little person!). I loved how she said my name in her goodbye--how is it that little kids can make you feel like a huge celebrity simply by saying your name?? I love it!
Back to the point... My friend asked how I was doing and I spilled about this week and how I'm feeling about the change. She reminded me that I am known; in fact, that I have friends all over the country who care about me and this little life of mine (my words, not hers : ) ). It reminded me of that Mosaic... Didn't I say I needed to keep that in mind just a couple of days ago? My life might be fragmented, but it's a good life and there are actual people (living and breathing!) who share in it with me. Good, bad and mundane.
The point of these words? I needed the reminder. I might need more, so forgive me if I drone on about this for another few posts or another couple of months. This too shall pass.
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