Fragmentation

Independence Day found me atop a parking garage in Orlando with others from my church community celebrating the holiday and discussing freedom. It was a great evening connecting with new people and enjoying the city (food to my soul!). At one point, I had a conversation in which I described my life as 'fragmented' and I've been thinking about it ever since. Here goes my verbal process:

Fragmented, Fragmenting, Fragments (www.thefreedictionary.com)
To break or separate (something) into fragments
To become broken into fragments

Sometimes, it feels like both; either my life is being broken into fragments or I'm becoming broken into fragments. When I moved east, as I've said here before, I wasn't logically nor emotionally aware of the consequences of my decision. I stepped out in faith, knew I was following the Lord and went for it. This time around, my perspective has changed. No longer sweetly naive to the realities of change, I am constantly aware of my choice. It's the right decision and I'm really encouraged as I see God at work, please don't misunderstand me; though, I do feel differently this time.

As I explained that night to the kind person with the listening ear, I'm starting over and my life feels like it's in three places now. Part of me is still in Colorado, most of me is in Boston and the rest has wandered down to Central Florida. DEAR friends live in each place while others reside in a variety of distant locations beyond the three, I'm finding it a challenge to keep up with my own life. How do we do it??

Fully aware that I'm not the only person living this sort of life, I'm struck by how crazy it is that we're all so interconnected and distant at once. (By the way, I know what I'm about to say has been said much more eloquently by others before me...) There's no use pointing fingers of blame at technology which made life this complicated because it also makes it this sweet. Goodbyes are no longer for good. We have the ability to hop planes, see each other online (literally and figuratively), text, call, send pictures via our phones and more. It's AMAZING. Can you believe we get to live in a time like this?

The ramifications, however, are real. Yes, I, the achiever, feel strongly that I should be able to do it all--stay connected to every person I've ever known and have yet to meet--but the more places I visit, the more I know the stories of the people I meet there, the less able I am to do it well. Perhaps this is the greatest hardship of the new move... Knowing that I'm further away from staying connected the way I desired to be at this time last year.

Another side to the issue? I now have the choice and ability to let new people into my life. This is a beautiful thing and I really do want that, but starting from, "Once upon a time there was a girl from Colorado..." feels so draining. Maybe I don't need to start there (I am an extrovert who does have a lot of words...), but, "Hi, I'm Jessica" can steal my energy just as fast as it's typically followed by, "What do you do? Where do you live? How long have you been here?" Bottom line? I just want to be known--sooner rather than later. Yet, it requires effort and it requires time.

So, here's a perspective the Lord gave me today regarding my fragmented life--the one I will carry with me when the waves of uncertainty rise in moments where I feel so out of place--again, not a new idea: A Mosaic. All of these fragments, the pieces from various places and people in my life are beautifully melded together creating a picture I cannot see this side of Heaven; but prayerfully, a picture that brings glory to God who has led me so faithfully along this path, provided so lavishly for this daughter who loves Him and would go anywhere because I know He is good, and simply sits at His feet wondering at His ability to make the pieces add up to something whole.