Lessons from "Be Present"

Tonight, in the midst of an acting exercise I saw a truth about my life with fresh eyes. The guy in front of me was portraying an action; I didn't know what it was, but my responsibility was to engage with him in it. He was postured toward me with indifference. He held a folder in his hands and whatever was on it was more interesting than what I had to say to him. He didn't care. In my approach, I began to tell him a story. He looked up, obviously annoyed and returned his gaze to the folder. I tried again, this time moving closer. I even shifted lower and tried to meet his gaze from the level of the folder. He wouldn't give.

In the background, our instructor/coach was now giving me directives: "The news you have for him is life and death... Convince him to listen!!" A little frustrated, I took a second with the advice and got back in my scene partners face. This time, I ripped the folder from his hand and threw it to the ground. Still no response, no engagement. My coach continued, "It's life and DEATH!!!" I broke focus and turned my attention to him now. "It's hard to do this when you're telling me what to do!" And I was done.

Later, as we debriefed the time, I felt disconnected. I was still thinking about the interaction from earlier. I decided to share about the frustration I experienced toward our facilitator when he started directing me in the exercise. "Honestly, I felt angry at you. I tried what I could with John, but he wouldn't have it. I guess I realized it's how I operate in my life... If someone ignores me like that, I give up. I want to get out of there..." He responded to this by adding a few things including, "A scene is boring if you're neutral. It would have been great for you to just leave then. Require your scene partner to have to figure out what to do next..."

Yet another guy in the room spoke up at this point, "I see what you're saying there, but Jessica is a pacifist-type of person. I don't see her leaving dramatically like that..." And I nodded. It's so true. But, what I realized in the midst of all of it is that I really don't fight for myself. This is a larger theme I'm seeing in my life right now especially when it comes to relationships. I often take what's issued to me and after giving it my best shot, I sort of slink away when the person isn't responding to me. I feel sad as I see and consider it, actually. I allow rejection to rule.

Though, one encouragement came in the process, too... I surprised myself by actually throwing the folder to the ground tonight... That's not like me. I think there was growth there--it didn't seem good enough for our coach though. He wanted more from me.

I wonder if I should expect it from myself...
I wonder what it would look like if I actually did.